My Next Play

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “No, you’re right. You are allowed to live your life. It’s just the one time we didn’t pay attention enough, you almost didn’t get to live it, and your sister lost hers. So, I understand. I understand that you think you’re an adult now and can make your own decisions, but that’s fine. We were just here to check on you because we love you. If you’re going to keep pushing us away like this, maybe we need to figure out exactly how you’re going to be in Aaron’s life.”

  My dad cursed under his breath, and my eyes widened.

  “Wait, you can’t just keep Aaron away from me. He’s my little brother.”

  “And Rachelle was your sister. Your twin. We saw how that turned out, didn’t we?”

  The blow hit me so hard, it was as if she had slapped me. I staggered back, the back of my knees hitting the bed. I sat down, bile filling my mouth.

  “Kayla.” My dad’s tone shocked me. “That was uncalled for.”

  Tears freely fell down her face. “Maybe, but I’m hurting, too. And he’s our son. He doesn’t get to push us away. If he’s going to act like this, like he did that night, well…maybe he doesn’t need to be an influence in Aaron’s life. We’re going, Parish.”

  “Kayla,” he whispered.

  My mother moved away, walking out of my room before my dad gave me a shake of his head and then followed her. I knew I would have to move away. That was just how my career worked. And I knew I would be leaving Aaron behind in a sense, but not this way. Jesus.

  “Miles?” Nessa asked from the doorway. I looked up, swallowing hard. She stood there, hugging herself. As I looked at her, I didn’t know what to say. She came over to me, then cupped my face and kissed me. I sank into her, needing her taste, just needing her. I was grateful when she closed the door behind her. I didn’t want anything we said to leave this room. I just needed to breathe to figure out what I was supposed to do.

  I needed an anchor, and I couldn’t find one. Nessa couldn’t be my anchor, but even for a moment, I could pretend.

  “I heard part of that. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry, Miles,” she whispered.

  I looked up at her and swallowed hard. “I think I should probably tell you a couple of things that happened, so what you just saw makes a little more sense.”

  She frowned. “I don’t know if any of that will make sense. Nothing you could’ve done deserved that, Miles.” I let out a hollow laugh as she sat down next to me. I squeezed her hand, then I stood and started to pace.

  “I’m the nerdy brother—the one who liked playing video games and had glasses from the age of six. I was a geek, a nerd. I could’ve skipped a couple of grades but decided to stay back because of my sister.”

  She met my gaze, her eyes wide. “Your sister?”

  I sighed. “My twin, actually. My twin sister, who didn’t get the same grades as I did, skipped class a lot and had a ton more fun than I ever did in high school. Even middle school. She would never skip any grades, and I didn’t want to do that without her. So, I stayed behind and took some college classes, some upper-level classes, did extracurricular activities and became a complete nerd. But I always had my sister. No matter what.” My heart ached, and I felt it twist. I let out a breath. “She was my best friend, even though she had a hundred other best friends along the way. Her name was Rachelle.”

  Nessa looked at me, her eyes filling with tears because she had heard the past tense. She knew.

  “Rachelle was full of life, energetic and brilliant, but school wasn’t her thing. My parents never understood that and did their best to help her, but they also never closed her in. They weren’t the people you saw today.”

  Nessa didn’t say anything, and for that, I was grateful. I needed to breathe for a moment.

  “My sister was a light. A shining light that sometimes dulled just a bit. But when she flared outside of that dullness, she shone on everybody and everything around her. Two days after we graduated high school, I decided that maybe I didn’t need to be the lame sibling, who was her twin but felt like the party girl’s kid brother in high school. We had both gotten into college, although Rachelle planned to take some community college classes while she figured out what she wanted to do. I was so damn proud of her. She worked her ass off to get in, and she wasn’t going to waste money while she found her path. She would forge any path she wanted. And no matter what, she knew that I would always be there for her. Aaron was quite a few years younger than us, and while we bonded with him and he is my baby brother, and I will always be there for him, Rachelle was part of my heart. Yet, after graduation, I decided I just wanted to have some fun. To live life on the other side for a bit and see what my sister did. Learn who she was.”

  Nessa was crying now, but I didn’t touch her. I needed to breathe, and I needed to get through this.

  “I had a few drinks. Maybe more than a few. I ended up getting my stomach pumped because I would’ve died of alcohol poisoning if I hadn’t. I hadn’t known when to let up. Everyone around me kept giving me drinks because I was Rachelle’s twin; therefore, they assumed I must have the same metabolism as she did when it came to alcohol.” I sighed. “That’s why I don’t drink as much as others do now. I remember what it was like to drink too much. The first time I tasted alcohol, I went too far. I don’t even remember getting in the car.”

  Nessa sucked in a breath, and I swallowed hard.

  “I was in the passenger seat. I wasn’t driving. Rachelle drove and had the same amount of alcohol in her system as I did, if not more. The first time I had a drink, I let my twin sister drink and drive. We had to get home before Mom and Dad found out. It didn’t matter that we were eighteen and newly minted adults. That we had the world in front of us, the rest of our lives to be who we wanted to be and find out who we could be. I don’t remember everything from the accident. I do remember that Rachelle smiled at me, and I blinked at her, drunk off my ass and unable to do anything but scream when the first bit of metal hit. She hit a guardrail, hadn’t even realized she had skidded around a curve. I was wearing my seatbelt. The airbags deployed, and we hadn’t been speeding. I had a little bit of internal bleeding that thankfully didn’t need surgical intervention. But I’d been covered in bruises and cuts from the glass. I needed a few stitches on my hairline. My wrist and knee got sprained. I walked away to get help.”

  “Miles,” Nessa whispered.

  I looked at her then. “It was rote for me to put on my seatbelt when I got in the car. Even drunk, I remembered to do it. Rachelle didn’t. In my memories, when we hit the guardrail and metal twisted and glass shattered, I can still see her. Looking over at me as I was in pain, trying to wake up. That isn’t what happened. That was a dream or a figment of my imagination or even a drunk hallucination. Rachelle had been thrown through the windshield, face-first through the glass. It broke nearly every bone in her face, cut through her scalp, broke her wrists and her elbow and her collarbone. Glass had punctured her heart, her lungs, and destroyed even more pieces of her. The impact killed her instantly. They told me later that with the booze in her system and given the speed of the accident, she likely hadn’t felt a thing. Everything happened so fast, I don’t even think she felt fear. I hope to hell that’s the truth. My twin sister died the first night I had a drink. The first time I wasn’t there to protect her how I always had.”

  I let out a breath and wiped away the single tear that had fallen. “I loved her so fucking much. Still do. We both made mistakes that night, but I walked away, and she didn’t. My parents haven’t forgiven me.”

  It felt as if I’d run a marathon. My heart raced, and I couldn’t catch up. It was all out now. Everything. All of my secrets.

  No more hiding my mistakes.

  “Miles. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.” She let out a breath. “It wasn’t your fault. They lost her, but they could’ve lost you, too.”

  I sucked in a breath. “You’re right. My parents twisted their grief into overprotectiveness. They love me. I don’t think they’ll ever
trust me the same way, but maybe I deserve that.”

  “Miles...” she began.

  I shook my head. “No, there are reasons we’re not supposed to be those people and make those choices. I get that. I wasn’t an adult for more than a minute when I decided to have that drink. I made a choice. Same as my sister. My parents are overprotective and pushy, and they’re so afraid if they let go of the reins for one instant that I’ll die as she did. They’re so afraid that Aaron will see the path Rachelle was on, the night I made the worst choice of my life, and follow me down into that dark hole, as well. I see their decisions, and I understand why they do the things they do, even if I can’t change it. So, that is why I’m the geeky kid with the overprotective parents who want to wrap him in Bubble Wrap and make his lunch for him. They haven’t let up since the accident, and they probably never will. I need to find a way to make that work. Because that’s who I am. The night I made the worst decision of my life, my sister died. My twin. And yet, here I am.”

  I let out a shaky breath, and then Nessa was there, holding me tightly. I had never told a single person that entire story, and I wasn’t sure I could ever do it again. Nessa held me, her tears warm and wet against my chest as I wrapped my arms around her.

  I didn’t know what this meant or what it should mean. I had to stop looking for answers in the future when I couldn’t even find them in the present.

  So, I simply held Nessa and pretended. I pretended that I was okay. That things made sense.

  I pretended that maybe this wouldn’t be the ending before it had even begun.

  I did what I was good at. I pretended.

  Chapter 12

  Nessa

  * * *

  Three days later, my heart still physically ached for Miles. I’d known he had some kind of trauma in his past—it seemed we all did—but I hadn’t known the guilt that lay shrouded beneath.

  I tried to figure out what I should do or say to make him see that I would be there for him—as friends and whatever else we were. In reality, I knew I needed to be there for him in any way I could.

  “Now, what are you thinking about?” Natalie asked as she looked up at me. I blinked and realized that my roommates were all staring at me, and I was looking off into the distance, thinking about Miles.

  “Sorry.” I didn’t want to break his confidence and tell them the source of my worry, but it wasn’t easy. “Letting my thoughts wander.”

  “About Miles?” Natalie asked as she leaned forward.

  I sighed. “Maybe.” I didn’t want to get into too much detail.

  “I’m so happy that you and he are finally starting a relationship.” Elise and Mackenzie shared a look.

  “What do you mean by finally?” I asked, frowning.

  “It just seems like you guys get along well,” Mackenzie said slowly, and I knew she was holding back a wince.

  “We do. And we’re friends. It’s not like we slept together yet,” I added.

  “Why the hell not?” Natalie asked before she threw up her hands at our looks. “Hi. Yes, I am the resident virgin, but that doesn’t mean I believe that sex is wrong, and we shouldn’t have it. I would love to have sex someday. I just need to meet a guy I wouldn’t mind touching me.”

  “We all know that you don’t mind Miles touching you,” Elise added with a wink in my direction.

  I rolled my eyes. “You’re right; I don’t. Only I don’t want to ruin anything by having sex too quickly. So, we’re waiting. Things won’t be all roses and angels and everything with the future. He’s moving soon, and I don’t know what I’ll be doing.”

  “You’re not dropping out,” Mackenzie said, narrowing her eyes.

  I sighed and held up my hands. “I know, I won’t. At least, not this semester.”

  “Then that means you only have one more semester to worry about,” Elise said.

  “We’re working on those scholarships. You’re going to make it.”

  I nodded, grateful for my friends. I would make it. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself. My friends were fantastic people who helped me with grants and made sure I could make it through the last semester. I would be okay, at least I thought I would. Not entirely because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, seeing as things kept changing, but I knew that Miles wasn’t my forever.

  “So, it’s not forever with you and Miles,” Natalie began, and we both ignored how Mackenzie and Elise scowled at us. “As I was saying, it’s not forever. But it can be for right now. We’re allowed that. I mean, I would love right now,” she said, winking.

  “Right now would be wonderful...” Mackenzie began.

  I cut in. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I am having fun. And I’m going to say it to remember that.”

  “Good. So, have fun. And when you’re ready, have amazing sex because I have a feeling that Miles may surprise us all.” Mackenzie winked, and we all laughed, even though I knew I was blushing from head to toe.

  “What’s that look for?” Elise pointed at me.

  Mackenzie narrowed her eyes. “It seems she might know a little bit more about Miles than she’s letting on.”

  “I’m not saying anything,” I whispered.

  That in and of itself said enough. I remembered how he had held me, the way he touched me just the right way. I knew Miles could take off those glasses and be into some kinky goodness, and I wasn’t sure exactly what I would do with that—other than enjoy myself.

  “Not to bring the tone of this down, but have you gotten another present or anything lately?” Mackenzie asked.

  I shook my head, my stomach aching. “No, which I’m grateful for. Hopefully, it was just a one-time thing or something. It was really bizarre.”

  Elise frowned. “I know. It’s worrying. But we’re here if you need us.”

  I nodded, relief and nervousness warning inside me. “I know that. And, hopefully, I don’t get any more flowers. This whole thing doesn’t make sense. Like the fact that he clung so quickly. We didn’t even have two full dates.”

  “Hopefully, it’s over, and you don’t have to think about it again. I hate that you had to deal with it at all,” Mackenzie added.

  “On the surface, Xander seemed like such a nice guy. But maybe those are the ones you need to worry about,” Natalie said, frowning.

  “Maybe. Although your guys aren’t jerks,” I said, looking over at them.

  Elise shook her head. “They aren’t. They expect us to like them just because we’re nice to them. If that makes sense.”

  “Exactly. Miles is a good man, but not the quintessential nice guy if that makes sense.”

  “It does, totally. And it would be nice if the other three could rub off on their jerk roommate,” Natalie grumbled, and everyone else looked at me. I just shrugged.

  I didn’t know what was going on between Tanner and Natalie, but I knew there wasn’t any love lost there. They were always growly towards one another, and while it may look like attraction to some, I wasn’t so sure. Natalie didn’t seem flustered; she just seemed…annoyed.

  “When do you have to go back to work?” Mackenzie asked as we went through our homework, trying to get caught up for the week.

  “I work tomorrow, and then I have a meeting with my professor to go over different jobs I can have for those grants. I don’t want to have to drop out next semester, but I just don’t know how I’m going to pay for it.” I looked up at the girls. “And nobody gets to help me like that.”

  Natalie shrugged. “You know my parents would help out.”

  “Yes, I know. And while I’d be grateful, things would change between us, and I don’t want that.”

  “I understand, but I also want you to be able to finish school so you can have your degree and begin what you need to do next.”

  “We’re figuring it out.” Somehow. “At least, we’ve decided that I’m staying for this semester since I already paid for it, and there’s no use trying to wait for a
refund.” I hated that I was so worried about money that I couldn’t sleep, but I couldn’t focus on anything else right now. I needed to concentrate on work, school, and Miles.

  I liked Miles. It wasn’t like I was waiting for love to have sex with him. I was simply waiting for trust. Was that it? Or maybe I was holding out for a promise that I knew would never come. Therefore, I didn’t have to worry about getting hurt.

  I trusted Miles. I always had, though I had always thought of him as only a friend. It was such a complicated mess that sometimes I just wanted to bury myself and forget that I could be my own worst enemy.

  I honestly didn’t know why I was waiting anymore. I knew it might have started as me trying to play it safe, and both of us not wanting to hurt each other when we knew we had to walk away at the end of the year. Only that might not be the case anymore. I would likely get hurt no matter what. He would hurt me, just like I would hurt him. I already liked him enough as a friend, and as something more. Things were going to hurt.

  Somehow, I needed to find a way to make that manageable.

  So why wasn’t I sleeping with the guy I kept dreaming about and wanted?

  I let out a breath and then pushed those thoughts from my mind to focus on my friends. That was the least I could do, even while everything else was falling apart around me.

  * * *

  I opened the door and smiled as Miles walked in. He leaned down to brush his lips to mine. I leaned into him, taking a deep breath as I did my best not to wrap my arms around him and never let him go.

  “Hey there.” He brushed my hair from my face.

  “Hi. I just finished work, and now I’m working on grant proposals and should probably get some homework done.” I sighed.