My Next Play

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  He nodded and kissed me again. “I’m here for stats homework, and I have to go through a few of my labs.”

  “Is that the one with the carbon paper?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “Right now, I’m on grid paper. And then I need to write an actual paper from it. I don’t do carbon paper anymore since that’s a first-year lab.”

  “See? I had to take a lab for one of my core classes, and I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

  “You do. Didn’t you get like a B+ in that? You did great.”

  “I did. I don’t remember sleeping much during it, though.”

  “I’m now one of the TAs for a gen-ed lab, and it’s not as fun as it was when I took the class.”

  “There are so many things wrong with that sentence.” I laughed as I looked up at him. He was so freaking cute sometimes. “First, you had fun?”

  “Yes. I’m a nerd, remember?”

  “You’re a hot one,” I corrected, and he rolled his eyes.

  “Thanks for that.”

  “I didn’t know you were a TA, did I?”

  He tilted his head as he looked at me. “You did. It’s the class I do on Fridays.”

  “Oh. Right. I knew that. Sorry.”

  “It’s fine. I never talk about it since it’s barely any stipend, and it’s only so I can afford to do a few things other than pay my rent.”

  “It’s good that you have a job, though.” I leaned into him as we walked.

  “Thanks for that,” he said with a laugh. “Hey, you’re working at a bookstore. I’m working in a lab that somehow, somewhat has to do with my job. It’s a living.”

  “Yes. And, hopefully, my professor will be able to help me find another job that pays a little more.”

  “You’d quit the bookshop?” he asked as I led him to my bedroom.

  I shook my head. “Not necessarily. More like I’d get a second job.”

  “Jesus, Nessa. Are you going to have time to sleep?”

  “I can sleep while standing up. Maybe. I don’t know if I’m going to have much choice at this point.”

  “I’m here if you need me. You know that.” He sat next to me on my bed, and I swallowed hard.

  “I know. And it’s kind of nice knowing that.”

  “Are you ready for the fun to begin?” he asked as he opened my textbook.

  “Hell, we’re studying hell,” I said on a laugh and leaned into him as he started looking over some of my formulas.

  “You’ve got this.”

  “You’d think so, but this took me forever. I don’t know why I have to take this stupid class,” I grumbled and then held up my hand before he could tell me exactly why I was taking the stupid class.

  “I don’t know if I want to know, so let’s just pretend,” I said with a laugh.

  “Okay, we can pretend. Let’s go over a couple of these that you skipped, and then we can play strip-studying.” I looked up at him then, a smile on my face. “Strip-studying?”

  “What? Dillon said he and Elise enjoy playing it. I figured we might, too.”

  “We’re going to play strip-studying just because they like it?” I asked, laughing now.

  “I think we’ll enjoy playing it because I want to see you naked,” he growled low.

  I looked up at him and swallowed hard.

  “You know, I think I’m going to like that kind of studying.” I laid my book on the bed and leaned over to slowly take off his glasses.

  “That’s going to make it a little difficult for me to see you,” he said as he leaned down and kissed me again.

  “Well, then, I guess you’ll just have to do it by touch,” I teased, wondering where those words had come from. I wasn’t good at this, usually. Although I was better at it when I wrote certain scenes. When I had time to think about what I should say, things made sense.

  He smiled at me and nipped my lip before deepening the kiss. Somehow, he was over me, kissing me softly as I moaned. I was ready for this, had been since the first time we had spoken about it, even though I had told myself I needed time.

  I knew I was going to get hurt no matter what, so I might as well live in the moment.

  I liked Miles. Watching him walk away would devastate me, but this moment could make it all worth it. I would make sure of that. So, I leaned in and kissed him again. He slowly let his hands roam all over my body, and I raked my fingers down his back as he groaned before deepening the kiss once more and slowly rocking against me, his jean-clad cock hard against my heat. I swallowed hard and then let out a gasp when he tugged my arms above my head, clasping them together in one hand.

  “Are you good?” he asked, his gaze on mine. I knew he could see me this close. His glasses were helpful for distance. We wouldn’t need them for this, but I nodded anyway. “Yes. Please.”

  “Whatever you want,” he whispered, and then he kissed me again, and I was lost. He tugged at my shirt, nibbling my stomach before pulling down my bra slightly to suck on my breast. My nipple puckered, turning to a hard little nub against his tongue as he took his time and nearly sent me over the edge. I keened, rocking against him. Needing him.

  He hummed, the slight scrape of his beard a new sensation that made me wetter. He sat up and pulled off his shirt, and my mouth dropped open, watering at the sight. He was all hard lines and ridges, and I couldn’t help but want to reach out and touch him. He shook his head, took his shirt, and slowly wrapped it around my wrists. My eyes widened, and he grinned. “Are you still good?”

  “Yes,” I breathed, surprising myself with the need in my voice.

  Miles’ eyes darkened before he leaned down and kissed me hard, tugging my hands back over my head, still tied together by his shirt. It was loose enough that I could get free quickly if needed, but knowing that he was the one in control just then? It was almost too much. It was so good. So much rode me, and I had so many decisions to make, answers I didn’t have. But letting Miles take control right now was everything.

  He kissed me harder before letting go of my arms, but I kept them in place, knowing that was what he wanted me to do.

  “Good girl,” he whispered before undoing the clasp on my bra and letting my breasts fall. He kissed them, paying special attention to them and pressing them together as he slowly bit and sucked. I knew I would be sore tomorrow; minor bruises all over my body that would be from the most marvelous sensations of my life.

  He pressed against me harder as he leaned up, and then he moved back in, nibbling my stomach and coming to rest against the top of my pants. I groaned, pressing my thighs together, but he pulled off my leggings and panties in one go, shocking a gasp out of me. Before I could even breathe in and think too hard about it, his mouth was between my legs, and he was sucking at me, licking my pussy. I groaned, rocking my hips. He pushed me down, keeping me steady so he was the one in control. I groaned again, trying my best to remember to keep my arms back.

  He spread my folds and licked me, diving his tongue deep into my pussy as he breathed cool air over my clit. Then he sucked and licked, his fingers there, and I could barely breathe.

  I came hard on his face and his hand, wondering how it had even begun. Before I could think, he kissed my pussy again and then flipped me to my stomach. He smacked my ass, a quick sting before kissing where he had touched. I sucked in a breath, the sensations making me even wetter. I pushed my ass into his face, and he spread my cheeks, licking me from behind in ways no one had ever done before. I groaned, arching into him as he ate at me before I came again. And then his fingers were between my thighs, and I was panting his name, my whole body shaking.

  I looked over my shoulder and groaned as he stood there naked, his cock in his hand, thick and long and rigid. I watched as he slowly slid a condom over his length, and then he was behind me again.

  “Tell me you’re ready,” he said, and I nodded. “I need the words, babe.”

  I shivered at his tone and swallowed hard. “Please, get inside me.”

  “Anyt
hing you want,” he said, and then he was there, the tip of his dick right at my entrance. With my gaze on his over my shoulder, he speared me, thrusting so hard in one movement that I came again, my pussy clamping around his cock. He groaned, squeezed my hips, and then one hand moved to my breast, the other dropping near my head as he clenched the bedsheets. He pumped into me, faster and harder. Both of us panted, and I could barely keep up, but all I wanted to do was gasp and try to stay in the moment. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do anything. Then, his fingers trailed over my clit, and I came once more, surprising myself. I had never come so many times in one session. I couldn’t even focus. He pounded into me again, and then he pulled out of me. It left me bereft, but then the t-shirt was off my arms, and I was on my back. He slammed into me one more time, groaning as he kissed me, coming hard and deep inside me.

  He was so gentle, even with the forcefulness of our lovemaking. I could barely keep up, but I didn’t want to. He held me as we came down from our highs, and I knew that even though this had been the most miraculous moment of my life, it had been a mistake, as well.

  We both knew we’d have to walk away after this. There could be no forever for us.

  However, at that moment, I couldn’t care. Not when he took such good care of me, didn’t stop touching me, and wouldn’t stop looking at me. I snuggled against him, let my eyes drift shut, and pretended.

  I told myself I could believe that this was more than just a night. More than just a touch.

  I let myself be. If only for a moment.

  Chapter 13

  Nessa

  * * *

  I leaned back and stretched, my eyes going bleary. I’d worked on this project for most of the day, and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I had class, meetings after, and work later.

  At some point, time permitting, I hoped to see Miles, but I didn’t know if that would happen. Not when he was even busier than me. He had a complicated group project in lab coming up that stressed him out. Both of us were doing our best not to talk about the fact that we weren’t sure what would happen next semester.

  I pushed those thoughts from my mind and made my way to the living room. I was alone in the house, the girls either at work, school, or with their guys—in other words, off living their lives. I finally looked at the clock and held back a curse. I needed to get going. I quickly stuffed my books into my bag, put my work shirt on top, and looked around to make sure I had everything.

  I wasn’t dressed for a date or time with Miles, and part of me figured that might be a good thing. Things were getting a little too serious—not that I was surprised. Sex made things serious, even if we’d only joked about it before.

  It would always be serious with him. No matter how hard we tried to keep it casual, I couldn’t stop wanting more when it came to Miles.

  Only, we were both moving. I might be leaving even earlier than either of us had planned. I had to get a real job and become an adult and figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I wouldn’t be able to do it making plans that could go up in smoke in an instant. Plans were more Mackenzie’s thing, and even when everything had been derailed in her life, she had found a way to make it right. I would have to do the same.

  I looked at my phone and smiled, a text from Miles lighting up the screen.

  Miles: Thinking of you. Miss you.

  I smiled.

  Me: Miss you too.

  My stomach roiled a bit, thinking about what might happen when we had to walk away. We both knew there wasn’t a future for us. That meant I had to stop fretting over every single decision when it came to him.

  I looked at my text and frowned when I noticed that Miles was on two lines in my messages. As if he had started a new chat with me with his most recent text. I needed to update my phone. Maybe that was why it was bugging out. The cell had been doing that often lately, randomly chirping and ringing once before it powered down. I needed to get a new one, but that wouldn’t happen anytime soon. This baby needed to last me a long while because even some of my schoolwork required a smartphone. As did a few of my grant ideas.

  I also wrote a few chapters on my notes app that I would send to my computer to edit before adding them to my book. It was my lifeline, and I hated that it seemed to be acting up.

  I shook my head and made my way to campus. I had statistics class first and took as many notes as possible, even though my head ached and my hand hurt. I ignored that pain. It wasn’t as bad as it used to be. Since Miles had started helping me, something had started to click. I would never be a mathematician, nor would I get an A in the class, but I figured I was learning some things, at least, and I wasn’t as bad off as I had been. That counted as a win in my book. And anything to increase my GPA meant I was happy. The schools I was looking at for grad school, if I could get in at all, needed me to stay at my current GPA. I didn’t have Miles’ 4.0, but my grades were better now than they had been in high school. Thankfully.

  I had another class later this afternoon, but I needed to meet with my dad first. I’d been planning on a phone call, but he had texted me during class. Thankfully, my phone was on silent, even though it was flaking out. I was supposed to meet him at our favorite coffee shop. A place on campus that had two floors and was where everybody always seemed to be. Dillon had met Elise there, though the two hadn’t spoken at the time. Mackenzie had had a couple of interactions within its walls that I knew people still talked about, as well, even though they weren’t as important to her these days.

  I didn’t do much at the coffee shop other than drink cheap coffee—which wasn’t easy to do with most of their prices.

  I found my dad sitting in a corner, his glasses perched on the tip of his nose. He looked a little dubious, sitting there surrounded by a bunch of students who were my age or younger. This probably wasn’t the best place for us to have this conversation, but he had chosen it, so we were going with it.

  I looked at him and waved. His whole face brightened when he saw me. My heart did that little clutching thing it did, and I couldn’t help but lean into the emotions because my dad didn’t smile like that often anymore. I had lost my mother, but he had lost his wife. Now, a seemingly instant, insurmountable mountain of bills and grief had tackled us until we were drowning and unable to crawl our way out of the abyss. Still, my dad was there for me. He was my rock. He hadn’t pushed me away or tried to put me in a box. He had stepped back ever so slightly to watch me grow and help me plant my feet firmly in the soil so I could bloom into the woman I needed to be. Yet, I wasn’t there yet. I was not that woman. I wasn’t sure when I might find her because I was not my mother’s daughter. I was not my father’s daughter. I was not Miles’ girlfriend. I was no one but myself, and I didn’t know who that person was.

  As I stood in the middle of a coffee shop as people milled around me, smiling or stressed or dealing with emotional turmoil and their day-to-day lives, I had my existential crisis. I wondered who I could be in front of a man who had cared for me, no matter the choices I made. He had pushed me to become the woman I wanted to be, even though I wasn’t sure who that was.

  My father tilted his head as he studied me, and I had a feeling he knew exactly where my mind had gone. Perhaps not down a path of crisis, but at least the idea that I would think about so many things all at once and end up with a blank expression. He shook his head and stood up, holding out his hands. I moved around others, trying not to bump into anyone as I made my way to my father. I took his hand in mine and then reached around with my other arm and hugged him tightly. I wasn’t in middle school or even high school, shying away from my parents’ affections. I had lost my mother, and there was no getting her back. There would be no more instances of holding my mother and telling her that I loved her and missed her.

  There’d be no more time spent trying to pretend that I was okay becoming the person I was without her here to watch. I wouldn’t shy away from my dad’s
embrace. Nor would I dwell on the times I had because of the person I’d thought I needed to become.

  “It’s good to see you,” my dad said, and I hugged him tightly again before reaching back around him to straighten his sweater.

  “You’re looking nice. Are these new glasses?” I asked.

  “They are. It was time for a change. My prescription’s the same, but one of the lenses on my previous ones was a little wobbly. I had to let them go.”

  Those had been my mother’s favorite glasses, the ones he had worn for so long and had finally broken. I knew that he thought about it, but we wouldn’t talk about it. We were good at that. Not talking. At least, that’s what I thought. Now, we needed to speak, even with the customers around us.

  I recognized a few people, Mackenzie’s ex-boyfriend was in the corner with his new girlfriend, but he didn’t pay any attention to me. I was fine with that. It didn’t matter much. Even Dillon’s ex-girlfriend was here, milling about. Our friend, Sasha, also walked around. She gave me a little wave before going back to her boyfriend.

  I recognized so many people from school and parties, but my roommates weren’t here. Not the family I had chosen and made. For that, I was grateful. If I broke down, I didn’t want them to see.

  My dad reached out and squeezed my hand. “I love you, hon. I know you’re not sleeping well because of seemingly insurmountable issues, but you need to know that we’re going to be okay.”

  I sat next to him in the booth, close enough that our voices could be low, even though nobody was paying attention to us. My dad had already bought me coffee, but it sat in front of me untouched, still hot.

  “Are we going to lose the house?”

  “It’s looking that way,” my dad said. My heart broke, another twist that shattered everything I was. “Some of the debt from the hospital backed up some bills when I had to take time off. And, yes, school. The house will cover most of it.”

  “I can take next semester off. Take a break. Get a full-time job. Everly can give me more hours. She’s already talked to me about it, even though she wasn’t too thrilled about the idea.”