Always Be the ONE

by Hadley Quinn

  “Grandpa bought them toy boats for the kiddie pool,” Doreen clarified.

  “Ah, I see,” I nodded. “Very cool.”

  “No see saw,” Mia told me. Her expression was very serious, so I made sure I took it just as seriously.

  “There was no seesaw?” I glanced at Doreen. She looked just as confused.

  “No see sawng,” Mia repeated, enunciating the last part of the word.

  “Oh, you didn’t sing any songs?” I asked.

  Both girls agreed and Sadie said, “We not sing songs.”

  Doreen lightly laughed. “I am not very musically inclined,” she informed me. “Apparently that’s your department because that’s why they wanted to come home.”

  “For Matt’s music?” Clare asked.

  With a shrug, Doreen answered, “They seemed pretty adamant it was time to come home because I didn’t have a guitar.”

  Well that was amusing, and as I looked at Sadie and Mia, they were both grinning like they were super pleased with themselves. It was really quite cute.

  “Well guess what, babes?” Clare announced. “It’s bedtime for you two, so tell Matt goodbye and head to your rooms.”

  They both hugged me tight at the same time, and Mia even gave me a kiss on the cheek.

  “Goodnight, ladies,” I said, kissing both of their foreheads. “Sleep well.”

  Clare herded them toward the hallway, but I wasn’t sure where we stood at the moment. She looked exhausted, but said, “Um, give me an hour maybe? If you still want to talk?”

  “How ‘bout you just…call it a night? We can talk tomorrow.”

  Her expression was neutral, so I wasn’t sure if she was grateful for the break or not, but she nodded her agreement.

  I walked myself to the door and told both Clare and Doreen goodnight.

  23

  “Your actions are foreign to me,” Trent shook his head the next day after hearing the latest in my life’s saga. “Seriously, man. Give up the nice guy act and just start getting laid.”

  “You’re not much help, man,” I said, digging another scoop out of the posthole.

  “You can’t be right in the head if you’re coming to me for advice in the first place,” he countered.

  “True, but I’m not asking for your advice. Plus, you’re my brother and the closest person to me. I suppose I could keep it all to myself—”

  “Fuck no, I like the drama. Tell me more.”

  We set another post into the ground before I started sharing more. I didn’t tell him about Clare’s confession because I felt like that was her life that needed privacy, but I did tell him that I wasn’t giving Aubrey another chance. He was actually thrilled with that, but a little surprised.

  “So you’ve been waiting all this time for her to come back and…what’s changed?”

  I took a moment to choose my words. “Everything, I guess. I think I was more set on the idea of us instead of her. Maybe. I don’t know,” I shrugged. “It’s like…she came back and this fantasy of us being together just…dissolved.”

  Trent eyed me for a second. “It has nothing to do with Clare?”

  We set another post in the ground before I answered. “It has everything to do with Clare.”

  “And?”

  “And… I realized my ideas were a bit off.” I paused for a drink of water, so Trent did the same. “It’s funny how you want something so bad but…you don’t understand why it won’t happen for you when you want it to.”

  “Wasn’t meant to be.”

  “Yeah. And I see that now.”

  There was a lot that I didn’t share with my brother about my situation this time, and I was okay with that. Sometimes you become content with life and certain struggles don’t seem so monumental. I felt like I had a grasp on what was to be, I just needed some time.

  And more therapy with my guitar.

  ***

  I got home around seven that evening. Working up on my property had been very necessary, and I was especially glad that my brother had been available to help.

  I’d showered and dropped onto the couch to get some writing done, but was surprised by the knock on the front door. After leaving Clare’s house the night before, we’d only texted back and forth a few times during the day. I knew she’d been busy working, and I’d chosen to spend my day off up on my property. She didn’t know that, but I figured she had come by to finally finish our talk.

  I wasn’t expecting it to be her mom, but there was Doreen, standing on my porch. Uncomfortable may have been the wrong word for how she appeared… Maybe uncertain?

  “I hope you don’t mind my unannounced visit,” she said. “I was just leaving Clare’s but…”

  “Come on in,” I motioned. She did, so I invited her to have a seat on the couch. I had to move my guitar first. “So what brings you by?”

  She hesitated, but finally said, “I’m going to make this quick, and then I’ll leave. I realize I might be overstepping my bounds here but…I feel like I have some things you need to hear.”

  I wasn’t quite sure where this was headed, but I nodded my silent agreement.

  “Clare is a special girl,” she began. “She’s made herself into an amazing woman, and a more amazing mother. Sadly, it has nothing to do with my example. I saw the way Adam treated her, and you can say that verbal abuse is not as serious as physical abuse, but I will argue that until the day I die. I saw her change with my very eyes and I’m ashamed of myself for not taking a louder stand. The way he manipulated her; the way he would subtly make her feel like garbage for every little thing. She’s not going to tell you those things. She’s not going to tell you that he used to criticize her cooking, what she chose to wear, mocked where she worked and her choice of friends….

  “Clare doesn’t complain about things; she never wants to be the focus of someone’s pity, so she kept most of this to herself. Gradually her father and I noticed the change in her, and it was because of Adam that we saw less and less of our daughter. He made her feel obligated to obey his every command. To be honest, I didn’t truly notice all of this until I witnessed it between Adam’s parents. His father treated his mother the same exact way. It was…disturbing.

  “And I know Clare and her father had some issues between them, but that’s in the past. Finally they’ve progressed a bit and I feel like I’m getting my daughter back. She’s…happier. Much happier now. And she didn’t have to admit it to me; I could see it in her eyes, how she feels about you.”

  She studied me for a moment, allowing her words to impact me. And they did. I could sense that Clare was a strong woman; that she kept her burdens to herself so no one else had to worry about them. I admired her for her strength, but I also felt the desire to be that rock for her; someone she could depend on and feel comfortable being herself around.

  I wanted that for her, so fucking much.

  With a sigh, I nodded my understanding. “I’m not sure how much you know about me, Mrs. Johnson—”

  “Please, call me Doreen.”

  I nodded. “Okay. But let me say this… I’m a musician, I build houses, and I have just enough money to make me happy. I’m not wealthy, super brilliant, or refined in any way—”

  “You’re you, Matt, and that makes my Clare Bear happy, so it makes me extremely happy. I’m asking you to give her a chance; to look past an extremely difficult time in her life and allow her to finally get on with her life. She deserves that.”

  “I do not think ill of Clare in any way, shape or form,” I clarified.

  Doreen looked surprised.

  “Is that what you think?” I took a chance asking.

  She pressed her lips together as she took a moment to think. “I actually do not think that,” she admitted. “You’re different, and I feel that you’re the type of man that was made for someone like Clare; a beautiful, amazing woman that has made mistakes, yes, but has allowed herself to be shaped and molded into something better. I don’t think a man could find a better woman
than her, and I won’t say ‘despite her past choices,’ but I’ll say because of them.”

  I could actually agree with that completely. “Doreen, I feel like you’re here to change my mind or something,” I began. I waited for a response, but she looked confused. “I’m not going anywhere. I know these things about Clare. In fact, you’re wasting my time right now.”

  She raised her eyebrows at me, but I smiled.

  “I’m trying to come up with an idea to, uh, tell Clare how I feel about her. How I really feel about her.”

  Doreen’s mouth formed an “oh” and then she smiled, shaking her head. “You’re a facetious one, you know it?”

  I chuckled with a shrug. “Yeah, get used to it.”

  She lightly laughed as she twisted her wedding band on her finger. “Don’t scare her with a proposal,” she advised kindly. “I’m just saying…”

  I could see that about Clare, but I wasn’t about to go there just yet. We had a long way to go first.

  “Well I appreciate the head’s up, but Clare is going to be open and straightforward with me when it comes to her fears and worries. I won’t let her get away with keeping it all inside.”

  Doreen laughed. “Oh my, I see some battles in your future.”

  “Good,” I nodded. “Bring it on.”

  She stood, still with a smile on her face. “I sense that you’re more in tune with certain aspects of life, Matt,” she told me. “But if you could have seen how much Adam changed Clare for the worse—how much he scarred her and how much she’s survived—you’d understand how much I respect and admire you for seeing it too.”

  Well, what do you know? Not all parents hate me after all.

  “I appreciate that, Doreen. And trust me, I plan on giving that to Clare—the chance to feel whole again, to be herself.”

  “Please, Matt. Please give her that,” she pleaded. “She deserves it.”

  She wiped a tear from her cheek and then said a brief goodbye as she helped herself out.

  I paced through my house for a few minutes and was suddenly hit with more song lyrics. It was starting to come to me like diarrhea these days, and although I couldn’t complain, I really didn’t know what I was going to do with it all. I’d already given one song to Fenton, Kurt, and Mike, and I was considering passing along a second.

  Those guys were incredibly talented and every ounce of me knew they were going places. They still needed to work on a name for their band, and they still needed to find a fourth member. But for now, they were putting in the work with me filling in, and I was pretty damn proud of them.

  I was off track again. Or… was I? I had to sit down and write out another song since it hit me. These were the days I missed, and I was loving this breakthrough I seemed to be having. I knew the timing was purposeful, and once again, it helped me to make a decision with Clare.

  And another part of my life. I picked up the phone and made a call. It seemed like once things started to come together, they were really coming together.

  “Matt Alexander, what’s up?” Johnny answered the call. “Good to hear from you, man.”

  “Yeah, it’s been a while,” I nodded to myself as I dropped my lyric book back into the end table drawer. “Listen, I have something for you.”

  “Oh my God, seriously? Please tell me you’ve decided to sign with me.”

  “No, not exactly, but… I have someone that is even better and I want you to represent them.”

  Johnny paused for a moment, but I could almost hear his wheels turning. “You don’t say? Well I’m totally fucking game if you’re actually suggesting it. Automatic Grammy in my book.”

  “Hey, don’t get ahead of yourself,” I chuckled. “Can you come up sometime in the next couple weeks?”

  “Fuck yes, just name the time and place.”

  “Good, brother. Thanks.”

  “No, thank you, Matt. I’m honored. Keep me posted.”

  I agreed and we hung up. Neither of us were big on phone talk, but I knew when John Blazwick came up to San Fran to meet with me, we could talk music for days.

  I was very selective with my favor card, and I was about to redeem it with a very big return.

  24

  Me: Do you have a free day this week you can spend with me?

  Clare: I will make it happen. Just let me see when I can have my mom watch the girls.

  Me: NO! I want them with us too.

  Clare: Oh, okay =) Well I only work mornings M/W/F this week, so just say the word.

  Me: Perfect, I’ll pick you three up on Tuesday at 10am

  Clare: Can’t wait!

  That was my text conversation with Clare after I talked to Johnny on the phone, and even though I’d wanted to stop by and see Clare and the girls on Monday, I spent the whole day up on my property, sweating my ass off.

  I was glad Vinnie was okay with me taking another day off, especially since he knew what it was for. I was also glad I had people that supported my dream right along with me. Even Trent came up for another few hours that evening to pitch in, and I’ll admit, it was pretty cool to have something the two of us could do together. We’d always remained close, and still hung out and did fun stuff every week, but this held a different meaning to me and he understood that.

  When I picked up Clare on Tuesday morning, her smile was a bit peculiar. I realized I hadn’t seen her since our little “talk” the other night, and I was okay with that because I needed that time to make some plans. I met her on the porch, not hesitant to give her a hug and kiss hello. She seemed to hold me extra tight and extra long, and although I loved it, it somewhat concerned me.

  “Everything okay?” I asked as I finally pulled away. I studied her face carefully, trying to find something to clue me in.

  She smiled and studied me back. “Yes, I believe so,” she answered. “It’s just good to see you.”

  I nodded my agreement, feeling the same way. But I hoped she understood why I’d kept my distance for a few days, and I planned on giving it to her straight in just a short while.

  “Is everyone ready to go?” I asked, glancing into the house. I didn’t hear a peep from any munchkins, so I wondered where they were.

  “Yes, we are,” Clare answered, motioning me in. “I’m not sure where we’re going, so forgive me if I packed too much for the day.” She pointed to the diaper bag by the door that looked full, but also another backpack that looked stuffed as well.

  “Where are the girls?” I asked.

  She beckoned me with a finger, so I followed her down the hall to her room. When we stopped in the doorway, I couldn’t help but smile. Both girls were sitting on Clare’s bed, totally enthralled with the television. I knew they weren’t allowed to watch too much TV—Clare believed in keeping them busy with activities that were hands-on—so I could understand why they were captivated. I even wondered if they’d want to leave the house right now.

  “Psst,” Clare got their attention. “Look who’s here.”

  Both Mia and Sadie greeted me with huge smiles, and not only that, they scurried and slid off the bed to give me hugs.

  Heart. Melted.

  What guy in their damn mind would not be affected by that?

  I picked them both up, one in each arm, and said, “Oh wow, I don’t know how much longer I can do this at the same time. You girls are getting so big!”

  They both giggled, Sadie with her arms still wrapped around my neck and Mia snuggling against my face.

  “Okay, there’s no way I’m letting you two grow out of this, all right? When you’re both twenty-five and married with your own kids, I will still pick you up like this. I don’t care how goofy we look. Deal?”

  They both just giggled again, and I was sure they didn’t understand what I meant, but Clare did. I could see it on her face and in her eyes. She stared at me for a few seconds, but I only gave her a wink and walked down the hall with my precious cargo.

  “Guess what?” I asked them both. “We get to dirty Uncle Trent’s Jeep t
oday.” I stepped outside as Clare grabbed both of the bags and locked the front door. “See?” I pointed to the driveway. Uncle Trent said you could litter his beautiful car with Cheerios and fruit snacks.”

  “He did not,” Clare scoffed. “Jeez, we will be careful and clean up after ourselves, right girls?”

  I only laughed. My brother was such a dick when I traded trucks with him this morning. I knew his would be much easier to get car seats into the back seat than my extended cab, but I didn’t give Trent a choice.

  The trip to the property was a piece of cake. Mia and Sadie seemed to love the adventure in a new vehicle, and by the time we pulled into the driveway—which was now freshly graveled and leveled out—I had them singing the chorus to Heart’s “Barracuda.”

  It was too freaking cute, I didn’t even notice Clare’s reaction to what else was new on my three acres. She got out of the Jeep, almost trance-like as she stared at the little playground that Trent and I had installed recently, so I climbed out with her and waited for her response.

  Finally she turned to me and whispered, “Why?”

  Okay, that wasn’t exactly what I expected, but I think I understood what she meant.

  Joining her at the front of the Jeep, I said, “Well, this is what I’ve been busy with lately. I just thought I would let you see for yourself what is important to me. I don’t want to assume you know, and I also don’t want to assume I know what you want, so… This is an opportunity for that. I’m taking a risk here,” I motioned to the playground, “but I think it’s worth it.”

  She blinked back a set of tears, but they trickled down her face anyway.

  “Clare,” I said, taking her hand. “This is me.” I motioned to the grass and trees on the piece of land that I owned where we faced the lake in the distance. “I want to build a house here this fall, and I want you, Mia, and Sadie to be a part of it too. I realize it’s ten minutes further away from both of our jobs, but the city is never going to be a place where I’ll be happy. I want space, and I want to spend my time working on it how I want, and most importantly… I want to share that with you and your girls. I want them to have room to run and play and enjoy the fresh air.”