Always Be the ONE

by Hadley Quinn

  “Tell you more about what?”

  “Your parents. And whatever falling out you guys had.”

  She stared at me for a long time, long enough that my stomach growled three times before she smiled. “You’d better feed that,” she said, turning for the stove again.

  Topic avoided. Again.

  “So why won’t you talk about it?” I asked.

  I had to stare at her back since she kept it to me as she paused at the stove.

  “It’s not that I won’t talk about it…” she began. “I just…it’s one of those things that’s so…complex…that you know it’s going to take a lot of explaining.” She turned around to face me. “Does that make sense?”

  “It makes perfect sense. Sort of like all my past shit with Aubrey.”

  She pressed her lips together tightly as she paused. “Okay,” she nodded. “So…tell me something first, if you don’t mind.”

  “I’m game,” I shrugged.

  Her eyes seemed to look past me at the wall as she considered whatever it was she was thinking about. “What is your, um, situation with your ex?” she asked. “Are you two…working things out? Getting back together?”

  I instantly shook my head because I knew the answer right off the bat. “No. Aubrey is… She’s a very important part of my life but… I just don’t think our roads are going to cross again. It just doesn’t seem probable.”

  “Not probable,” she slightly nodded as she turned toward the stove to remove a pancake. “Because of how she betrayed you?”

  No, I’m not dense. I was finally getting some kind of emotion from Clare; the vibe that I’d been waiting to get for a while now. I knew she had feelings for me but she kept them buried.

  I wanted to know why.

  I stood from where I sat and entered the kitchen further. “Clare?”

  She was facing the counter, her hands leaning against it with her back to me. “Yeah?” she whispered.

  Standing directly behind her, I placed my hands on her shoulders. Closing my eyes, I laid my face against her head and softly said, “There’s this girl down the street that I can’t get out of my head. She’s beautiful, she’s sweet, she’s the best damn mom I’ve ever seen. She makes me breakfast sometimes and I don’t believe I thank her enough. I think she kind of likes me but…something’s holding her back. I wish she’d tell me what it was because…I care enough to work through it if she’s interested.”

  I felt her body slacken as she exhaled. Then I realized she was crying. I was really good at that, wasn’t I? Making women cry?

  Turning her around, I asked, “Why are you crying? I’m hoping this is a happy cry… Is it a happy cry?”

  She slightly scoffed but I saw her smile. “Yes.” Then frown. “And no.”

  Well that didn’t help. “Can you expound on that?”

  Taking a deep breath, she swallowed and then exhaled. “Yes. I can. Um… I’m really happy to hear that you feel that way about me because…I feel the same way.”

  Pretty sure I smiled from the inside out. And hell, if those silver eyes of hers could look at me like that every day, I’d be one happy bastard.

  “But…that’s where it ends, Matt,” she added all of a sudden.

  My pride and entire manhood deflated all at once. Okay, it was my heart sinking into my stomach, but it felt just as shitty. “What?”

  She moved away from me as she brushed the tears off of her face. “Because I’m no better than she is. You can’t get past what she did to you, well guess what? I did the same thing to someone else and…I’m probably not good enough for you either.”

  I watched her leave the kitchen, and a few seconds later, the front door opened and shut.

  She left, and I was numb.

  22

  My legs finally moved underneath me, and at least I had enough sense to turn the stove off before I chased after her. She was barely to the sidewalk when I flung the door open and crossed the porch. She glanced back at me as she rushed away, and instead of asking her not to leave, not a single word came out of my mouth.

  I stood there for several minutes, staring at the road, staring at the steps, staring at the grass… And then my eyes stopped on the orchid. That white fucking orchid that I’d put so much stupid faith in; that motherfucker had refused to die.

  Out of anger, my hand swung violently at it, knocking it to the ground. The ceramic pot busted in half, but that wasn’t good enough so I kicked it. Soil and petals and terra cotta flew across the end of the porch in disarray, but the destruction made me feel better. I don’t know why, but it did, and then I entered the house and slammed the door behind me.

  Out of all the faults in a person… Why did it have to be that? Why had Clare done the one thing that I had spent the past sixteen months trying to get over because of someone else? No wonder she had never spoken anything ill of Aubrey. She’d been the same cheating—

  No. Fuck. I couldn’t say that about her. It made me sick that I would even think that of Clare. She was the best mom to those little girls, an amazing friend to me… What the hell was wrong with me?

  I sighed and slid to the floor with my back against the wall. All the advice she’d given me…she’d been giving it to me from experience, hadn’t she?

  You never know what’s going on in someone’s life, Clare’s voice repeated. In their head or heart—when they’ve made certain choices. We’re all human, we all screw up, but I think it’s a better choice to forgive and forget.

  And then I’d asked about the risk of getting burned.

  Sometimes the greatest risk turns up the greatest reward.

  As I sat on the floor for the next hour, I wondered if she’d really been talking about herself. I thought of all the things that Clare had told me, even about her parents. Putting all the clues together, I could only surmise that they knew what Clare had done and…disowned her?

  I shook my head to myself. That was ridiculous. No one would forsake their own kid for messing up… Would they? But she’d said they were very old-fashioned, religious, and that she hadn’t allowed anyone in her hospital room when she was in labor.

  Then I thought about Sadie and Mia. Was that why there wasn’t another set of grandparents around? Did the girls not belong to Adam? No, she’d told me about Adam when I’d directly asked about the girls’ dad…

  “God, this is not doing me any good,” I groaned as I stood.

  I needed to talk to Clare; I needed the facts before I drove myself crazy. I kept telling myself that this wasn’t a betrayal she’d done to me; it was something that hadn’t affected me directly. Everything she’d said about people changing and that she truly believed that could happen…

  Yeah, I believed it too. The problem wasn’t with forgiving Aubrey. The problem was that I just didn’t want to be with her anymore. I was weighing all the pros and cons and the negatives kept outweighing the positives. The problem was…

  I was in love with Clare.

  “I’m in love with her,” I repeated as I made my way down the street. “I’m in love with my neighbor, her two beautiful little girls…”

  I loved them too. Without a doubt. All the pieces in my fucked up brain were coming together, and getting rid of the pieces to a separate puzzle was what finally made sense. I’d forgiven Aubrey, I truly had, but she wasn’t who I saw myself with. I saw myself with Clare; someone who seemed to want what I wanted in life—

  Yeah, hold up right there. I paused in the middle of the sidewalk. That was my mistake the first time. I couldn’t assume anything about what Clare wanted because that’s how I’d apparently screwed up with Aubrey. And suddenly the casual relationship I’d been having with my neighbor was beginning to make perfect sense to me.

  She hadn’t been a means to forget my troubles; she’d been the new path in my life that I’d needed.

  A movement to my left caught my eye and I wondered how long Ollie had been standing on his porch, watching me. I must have looked like a dipshit, standing there talki
ng to myself—out loud and to myself.

  “Have you lost your mind?” he finally asked.

  Good question, and I tilted my head to consider it. Maybe I had. Maybe all of this had just caused me to have a complete breakdown right there on the sidewalk. I realized I laughed out loud, too. I was in the middle of a personal crisis and I was laughing to myself.

  Ollie gave me a look that clearly displayed his disgust, and then he went inside.

  I didn’t go to Clare’s. I turned around and went back home for fear I wouldn’t handle things the right way. Was I upset? Yeah, I was. And I admitted to myself that I was disappointed.

  I grabbed my guitar as I sat down on the couch. Thankfully the drawer on the end table had one of my notebooks in it, so I began furiously jotting down song lyrics. This was the way I coped with things that bothered me; it was also the way I expressed my gratitude to all the blessings in my life. That was sometimes contradictory when trying to write a song that made sense based on certain emotions. It’s why all my songs after Aubrey left were angry, hateful, and just plain sucked.

  But yet I’d still wanted her back? What the fuck was up with that? What makes a person put himself through something so damaging? People shouldn’t make you feel anger and bitterness. The ones you want to keep in your life should make you feel happy and look forward to the future.

  I poured my heart out into my music, and by late afternoon, I’d written three full songs. I still hadn’t eaten, hadn’t even smoked a cigarette, but my body wasn’t desiring something tangible. I needed to let my emotions out so I could get the guidance I desperately needed. I needed to keep writing my life down—my thoughts—and I needed to let those words and feelings lay out the facts for me.

  It worked. It always did. Somehow I’d lost that knowledge along the way; the ability to self-counsel myself through music. I’d been missing that therapy for so long, now it pummeled through me like an earthquake, shaking my soul back to its old self and reminding me of who I was.

  Clare needed to open up to me. I’d gone too long allowing myself to be indifferent. That wasn’t me. I was a sensitive, thoughtful guy, and if I wanted to know what a woman was feeling, I was going to fucking ask her.

  As I passed Ollie’s house a second time, I noticed him on the porch again. He smirked at me and said, “Got another craving after all?”

  As I continued to walk to Clare’s, I turned around and answered him with both middle fingers.

  His gossiping ass could kiss mine a thousand times over.

  I knocked on her door the second I could reach it. The house was quiet, she might not even be home, but I knocked again for good measure until she answered.

  “I didn’t mean to run away, I just needed a minute,” she spoke instantly. “I’m sorry I left like that, I just…needed to regroup.”

  I was surprised by the admission, and after a moment of studying her distraught expression, I nodded since I could understand. “Are you able to talk now?”

  She opened the door to let me in, and upon following her lead, we both sat on the couch and faced each other. I didn’t even have to say anything because she took the lead.

  “I was always planning to tell you, and even though I feel like my situation was different, it just got harder to face the closer you and I got. I told myself that I would have never done that to a guy like you but…the more you told me of her, the more I could relate, and that makes me feel like shit.”

  “A guy like me? What does that mean?”

  She closed her eyes for a second and then looked at me again. “I married into an emotionally abusive family. When I was dating Adam, I never saw that side of him. Maybe I was just blinded by the newness of a relationship, but I think I ignored the signs. Or maybe I just didn’t know them at the time. And I want you to know, I am not looking for sympathy or trying to justify my actions in any way,” she stated firmly. “I’m just trying to be open about this because…I’ve really never shared all of it with anyone.”

  “Why not? Even your parents? Is that why you guys don’t get along?”

  She sighed. “No, that’s not really it. I kind of kept things to myself. I guess because my parents wanted me to wait to marry him and I chose not to listen. Adam was charming at first; very convincing that we would have the perfect life. I believed him, but those happy ideas didn’t last long. His true colors came out shortly after. He was controlling and manipulative…always made me feel like I was in the wrong. He had a way of making me feel…inadequate. No matter what I did, it was never good enough.”

  I tried to process that as quickly as I could. “So you found someone else?”

  The look on her face was puzzling. I’m not sure if she was surprised I brought it up or I’d just flat out hurt her. With Clare, I couldn’t be sure. She was so hard to read. I felt there was so much there that she kept hidden away, and I sensed that it was to protect herself.

  She swallowed. “Yes, I suppose so. But it wasn’t intentional. At first it was just a casual friendship, a guy that worked with my dad. And that’s the real falling out with my parents; I caused stress on my father’s business because my personal relationship caused a lot of problems there. So…that’s been a big issue for him to get over, even with how many times I’ve apologized to him. And to Adam’s family,” she sighed. “Even though they’ve treated me like the spawn of Satan. I still haven’t been able to have a fair conversation with them.”

  “So tell me about all of that.”

  She pursed her lips together in pause, and then nodded. “I told Adam right away. Like a few weeks after it happened. It was just one of those…stupid moments in my life, one that I let my emotions take over…” She shook her head as tears trickled down her cheeks.

  “So…Sadie and Mia?”

  Clare blinked a couple of times. “What about them?”

  I didn’t quite know how to ask, but at this point, being direct was probably the best choice and I just needed to be sure. “This guy that you, uh, had a fling with…?”

  “God, no!” she gasped. “No, no, no,” she shook her head. “They belong to Adam, no doubt. All of this happened a year before that. Having kids was always something we fought about—he didn’t want any and I did. I don’t know, I still feel like I had to twist his arm, but we decided to go ahead and get pregnant. That I do not regret. Not ever. I love those two more than anything, no matter what mess brought us to that point, I will always be grateful I got my girls from it. You may not understand that—what it was like fighting for that, just the opportunity to have a baby—but I feel like it was a blessing in disguise. I don’t know that he would have ever agreed otherwise.”

  “He felt threatened that you would leave?”

  She paused again and took in a breath of air. “Yeah, we talked about it,” she exhaled. “He refused to divorce me, saying he would look like an idiot to his family, so he told me he’d ‘look past everything’ if we could just stay together and work through everything. He basically ‘gave me permission’ to have a baby.”

  That sounded ridiculous, and even though I didn’t know the guy, I wanted to kick his ass. “So did you work through everything?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing changed. Not for the better, at least. He just…”

  “He just what?”

  “I have a really hard time speaking ill of the dead,” she replied, her voice cracking. “I just feel so…conflicted. I don’t understand how things worked out the way they did.”

  “You mean his accident? His death? Him being out of your life after everything you went through?”

  With a nod, she brushed away another set of tears. “Yeah, all of that. I still can’t comprehend it.”

  I didn’t have a response to that either. Fuck if I knew why things happened the way they did. Here I was with my ex wanting me back, and me in love with someone who felt she wasn’t good enough for me.

  Life really was twisted sometimes.

  “Matt?” Clare barely whispered.

&nb
sp; “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, and I’m sorry for my choices that affected other peoples’ lives too.”

  I leaned forward onto my knees and sighed. Clare’s actions hadn’t directly impacted my life, so she had no need to apologize to me. And I could sense there was a lot more to her past with Adam that she wasn’t telling me, but I hoped we could get eventually get to it. I think I still needed time to process everything. Of course I could forgive her—that wasn’t a problem—but I was about to make a decision in my life that I did not want to fuck up this time.

  “I would never judge you,” I replied softly. “I know that some people think cheating is the worst thing ever, but I don’t believe it is. I feel there’s a lot of evil in the world; coldhearted people that have no ounce of compassion or love for others. I think forgiveness…mercy…kindness… Those are the qualities this world needs more of. When we fuck up, we tend to learn those lessons a bit harder than others. I mean, I’m not perfect, but I know when I’m in the position that requires someone’s leniency… I would hope they’d give it to me if I deserved it.”

  She stared at me for quite a while. Whether she was trying to believe me or felt grateful I understood something like that, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t get a response out of her either because the front door opened and her mom came in with Sadie and Mia.

  Clare quickly wiped her face clear of sadness and got up to greet them. Both girls came to her, completely excited to see their mom. Doreen seemed to notice that Clare had been crying as she glanced between the two of us and offered to give us more privacy.

  I stood and politely excused myself, feeling it was more important that Clare have time with her kids, but both Sadie and Mia said my name and wiggled out of her arms to see me.

  Yeah, it affected me. I knew from that very moment that I was already a significant part of their lives, especially since they were both yammering about their time at grandma’s and I had no idea what was being said. After a few minutes of sitting on the couch with them, I understood that there was coloring, Playdoh, sidewalk chalk, and something about boats.