Me Mam. Me Dad. Me

by Duffy, Malcolm;

  I was wheeling me bike through the school gates one day when Amy Reynolds came over.

  ‘Hi, Danny,’ she went.

  Couldn’t figure out why Amy was talking to me. She’s cool and cheeky and the third prettiest lass in class. She’s got shortish, blondish hair, blue eyes, and a smile that proves she’s got an electric toothbrush. I fancied her that much that I never really spoke to her.

  ‘What you doing?’ she said.

  ‘Pushing me bike. Otherwise it’ll fall over.’

  Amy laughed, and started walking beside me.

  Wasn’t sure what to do next. I could get on me bike, but I’d have to ride that slow I’d probably fall off. I decided to keep pushing it. Just having her that close was making me feel horny, me heart bashing away so fast I could feel it in me ears.

  ‘Do you fancy going to the pictures on Saturday?’ she said.

  Nearly dropped me bike.

  ‘Me?’

  ‘No, I’m talking to me imaginary friend.’ She let loose a sigh. ‘Yes, of course you, Danny.’

  Could feel me face go hot.

  ‘Aye, that would be canny,’ I said, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal, when actually it was the biggest deal ever. I was being asked out by Amy Reynolds. The Amy Reynolds. Belter.

  ‘I’ll meet you outside the cinema at the Metro Centre, one o’clock.’

  I hoped she might have gone for a later screening. Newcastle were live on telly, twelve-thirty kick-off.

  ‘Aye, perfect,’ I lied.

  ‘See you then, Danny,’ said Amy, and walked off, calm as you like.

  I stood stock still, frozen like a lolly. I didn’t even know that Amy liked me. I mean, I’d seen her smile at me a few times. I didn’t for one second think it meant anything, that she wasn’t just smiling, she was thinking about me, having the same thoughts about me as I was having about her. Well, probably not that dirty.

  Then Barry elbowed me in the ribs.

  ‘What’s up with ye, man? Look like you’ve seen a ghost.’

  ‘Just daydreaming,’ I said, as I watched Amy walking away.

  Barry saw where me eyes had gone. ‘Dream on, Danny, dream on. You have absolutely no chance.’

  I tried to stop a smile coming. But couldn’t.

  Saturday couldn’t come round fast enough. But it finally showed up and I caught the bus to the Metro Centre. Didn’t tell me mam where I was going. In fact, I didn’t tell anyone where I was going. Just in case the trip was a disaster. Also, felt a bit bad that Amy had gone and asked me out. I mean, isn’t that the lad’s job? If Barry or anyone asks, I’d say that I’d been planning it for ages.

  I walked through the crowds and spotted Amy trying to spot me. She looked nothing like the Amy Reynolds from school. High heels, make-up, leather jacket and jeans so tight even Tony Heskill, the randiest kid in class, couldn’t get his hands inside them. I think she’d done something to her hair too. I decided not to say anything, though, just in case she hadn’t.

  I don’t normally dress smart when I go to the cinema. Not much point when it’s dark inside. But today was different. I’d polished me shoes, found me best jeans, and put on the shirt me mam makes me wear at parties.

  ‘Hi, Danny. You look nice.’

  ‘And you look excellent.’ Don’t know where that word came from, but Amy seemed happy with me adjective and smiled.

  I wanted to kiss her, but there were too many people about. Also, I’d have to go right up on tippy-toes. Like just about everyone else in class, Amy’s a lot taller than me. With her high heels on, it was like being with a giant, a gorgeous giant. I gave her a quick hug, the type you give your teammate when he’s just scored.

  We went and watched the film, but to be honest I couldn’t tell you much about it, because being that close to Amy made it impossible to concentrate. We’d both taken our jackets off and our bare elbows were touching on the armrest. I know elbow-touching isn’t exactly porn. Never seen it in any of the films we watch on Barry’s phone. But I swear the warmth I could feel from Amy’s elbow made me hornier than I’ve ever felt in me entire life.

  When the film finished we went outside.

  ‘That was good,’ said Amy.

  I wasn’t sure whether she meant the film or the elbow-touching.

  ‘Aye, dead good.’

  Then Amy stood close to me. Incredibly close. I didn’t think it was possible to feel happy, excited and sick all at the same time, but I did. This is it, I thought. She’s going to kiss me. Down the Metro Centre.

  ‘Shall we get a hot chocolate?’ she said.

  Oh, well.

  ‘Aye,’ I said, trying hard to sound enthusiastic. ‘Hot chocolate would be fantastic.’

  We walked together through the shoppers and found a café. I was that happy being with Amy I’d even forgotten to check how the Toon had got on. Amy grabbed a table and I went and got us two hot chocolates. After taking a sip, Amy stared into me eyes, like she was trying to hypnotise me. Amy had the most beautiful eyes of any girl in Year Eight. Right now, I almost wished she didn’t. I had the biggest stiffy ever.

  ‘Can you get me a spoon?’ asked Amy.

  Wazzocks.

  Why didn’t I wear me long jacket?

  ‘A spoon?’

  ‘Aye. To stir me drink.’

  Me brain was on holiday. Couldn’t think of a single way to get out of me predicament. Before Amy thought I was a total nutter, an idea slipped into me head.

  ‘Is that Chloe over there?’ I said.

  Amy turned to look and I tipped me drink over.

  ‘Oh, man,’ I said, looking at the pool of chocolate, now dripping off the edge of the table into me lap.

  Amy jumped up and came back with some serviettes for me, and a spoon for her. I glanced down. It looked like I’d cacked the front of me jeans.

  ‘What happened?’ said Amy.

  I got dead excited sitting opposite you. So to avoid the embarrassment of seeing me walk like a hunchback through the café to get your spoon I poured hot chocolate into me crotch.

  ‘Nothing.’

  Wiped me jeans as best I could.

  Amy stirred her drink. Then she reached across the table and touched me hand.

  ‘I really like you, Danny. You’re cute.’

  I thought cute was what puppies got called, but I wasn’t going to go all English teacher on her: ‘Reynolds, can’t you come up with a better word than that?’ Cute was fine by me.

  ‘Thanks. I think you’re cute too,’ I said, me voice going high like me mam’s.

  I wasn’t exactly sure what to do next, so I grinned. Must have been the right thing to do, because Amy took me other hand.

  ‘Tell me something about you that I don’t know,’ said Amy.

  The heat from Amy’s hands was making it hard to think straight.

  ‘I can do twenty-six keepy-uppies with a ball.’

  ‘No, something more personal.’

  Not sure what she meant, but I gave it a crack.

  ‘There’s just me mam and me in our family. But me mam’s got herself a new boyfriend.’

  ‘That’s nice.’

  ‘Aye, he seems like a canny bloke. Calls me General.’

  ‘You’re not going to war, are you?’

  ‘Too small for that. There’s bullets taller than me.’

  ‘You’re funny, Danny.’

  Glad she thought so. I reckoned I was talking pants.

  ‘Now tell me something personal,’ I said.

  Amy put a different face on.

  ‘I think I might have found a boyfriend.’

  Had that little spit in me mouth I could barely speak.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘It’s a bit embarrassing, but he’s called General.’

  She leaned across the table. Our noses bumped but our lips managed to find each other.

  I’d gone and got meself a girlfriend.

  Five

  •

  I told me mam about Amy.

>   She was dead happy for me. Asked loads of questions. She must have liked me answers ’cos she just stood there, smiling. And then the smile disappeared.

  ‘Just don’t do anything stupid, Danny.’

  Knew what she meant.

  Not long after I started going out with Amy, we moved into Callum’s house.

  I was a bit sorry to be leaving our old flat. Although it was like living inside a fridge, something inside me quite liked it. But there’s no going back. Someone else lives there now. You’ve got to move on. That’s what me mam says.

  I wanted to see Amy the day we moved out, but Mam said there was plenty of time for that. She needed me help.

  ‘Alreet, Mam,’ I said.

  Didn’t want to start a fight.

  Callum hired a van to move our stuff, but most of it didn’t even make it to his place. Ended up in the tip. No point in having crappy furniture in a nice new house like that. It took us about five goes to get it all done. By the end I was knackered. Callum stuffed a tenner in me pocket. ‘That’s your moving-in present, General,’ he said, rubbing me hair.

  ‘Ta.’

  Then me mam went to the shops to get some food.

  ‘Fancy going to the park?’ said Callum.

  ‘Aye.’

  Went and got me ball.

  Callum was rubbish at football. He couldn’t control it. Like he’d never seen one before.

  ‘Which team do you support?’ I said.

  ‘Don’t.’

  Explained everything.

  He said he liked Formula One. Said I didn’t. We didn’t talk much after that.

  He got too puffed for football and went to sit on a bench to fiddle with his phone. I practised corners.

  When we got back me mam was putting stuff away in the kitchen.

  ‘Have you unpacked your boxes, Danny?’

  ‘Na.’

  ‘Well, don’t expect me to do it. I want your bedroom tidy from now on. This is a gorgeous house. Let’s keep it that way.’

  ‘I’ll do it later.’

  ‘You’ll do it now.’

  But it wasn’t just me mam who got cross that day. It was also the first time I saw Callum go mental, I mean, totally mental. After unpacking the last of the boxes, he said, ‘That’s enough work for one day, let’s go and get some fish and chips.’

  We were in his car on the road to Cullercoats when a driver came out of a side road and just missed us. Callum swerved, then braked hard, sending us forwards and backwards like ragdolls.

  ‘Maniac,’ screamed Callum.

  The driver was a young lass. Not that Callum cared. He went chasing after her like he was a copper. Got really close behind her, flashing his lights.

  ‘Callum,’ went me mam.

  But he wasn’t listening. I could see his mouth in the rear-view mirror. The smile had vanished, his lips clamped shut like a computer lid.

  ‘Stop,’ said me mam. ‘Please stop’.

  But he didn’t, he just went faster and faster and overtook the lass. Got right in front, then braked. Slam. Didn’t have me seat belt on, and bashed me nose hard into Mam’s headrest. It hurt like stink.

  Callum got out and went over to the lass’s car, shaking his fists and using all the swear words he could think of. He kicked her door with his massive shoe. I thought she’d be dead scared. Thought wrong. She got out of the car and started screaming back at him.

  ‘How dare you do that?’ she shouted. ‘I was indicating to come out. You were the one who was speeding. You need driving lessons.’

  Callum gave her the finger, got back in, then drove off really fast, like he was in a race.

  ‘And that, Danny, is why a woman will never win Formula One,’ he said, laughing.

  We got some fish and chips. They were lush. But I noticed me mam didn’t eat much. She and Callum didn’t talk much either. Just looked out at the flat sea.

  When we got back from the coast I went to me room and did as Mam said and tried to make it tidy.

  Later on saw me mam and Callum cuddling in the hall. She must have forgiven him for going mental. Then Callum decided to have a party, a moving-in party. He turned the music up dead loud, got crisps and nuts and beer and stuff, and me mam and Callum had a dance in the kitchen. Was funny to watch. Him throwing his big arms about like he’d had enough of them, and me mam doing tiny little moves like she was trapped in an invisible box. I was happy to see her laughing and dancing. Can’t remember the last time I’d seen that. Think it was Aunty Tina’s house after Tabitha’s christening.

  Me mam finally flopped on to a chair, face all red, like she’d just done cross-country.

  ‘I’m ready for bed,’ she said.

  ‘But we haven’t had the champagne yet,’ said Callum, grabbing a bottle from the fridge.

  ‘Save it for another day.’

  ‘No, it’s for today, our big day,’ he said. ‘I bought it specially.’

  ‘I don’t want any.’

  ‘Is there something wrong with your hearing? I said it’s our special day,’ he went, his voice going school-teachery.

  He took the foil off and shook the bottle. The cork flew out and just missed me mam’s head.

  ‘Callum,’ she went.

  But if he was sorry, he didn’t act it. He just sprayed champagne over her, like they do at the end of Formula One. Me mam wasn’t happy, not one bit, wiping her dress down with a tea towel, her face all grumpy, as Callum laughed.

  He poured champagne into a glass and handed it to her. She pushed it away.

  ‘I’ve poured you a drink, so drink it,’ he said, his face right up close to hers.

  Me mam took the glass with a shaky hand and had a sip. Even though she wanted to go to bed. Even though she didn’t want a drink.

  That was the day we moved in.

  Six

  • • •

  Christmas Day. Won’t forget that one in a hurry.

  In the morning we got that many presents I thought Callum must have robbed a bank. I got a brand new mountain bike, me first-ever mobile phone, a Toon hoodie, a camera, football shorts, and best of all, a goal for the back garden. When it was just me mam and me I used to get one good present, a bar of chocolate and a hug.

  Mam got tons of stuff too. Perfume, clothes, belts, necklaces, the lot.

  ‘You shouldn’t have,’ she said.

  ‘Okay, I’ll take them back tomorrow.’

  They both laughed and then locked on, mouths open, like they were giving each other the kiss of life. It went on that long I had to leave.

  Got dressed and went on me new bike down Whickham Bank to Amy’s house. Her place was a bit smaller than Callum’s, but canny enough. Her mam opened the door. She was wearing checked pyjama trousers, a fluffy jumper with a flashing snowman on the front, and a funny hat. Christmas makes people dress dead funny.

  ‘Merry Christmas, Danny,’ she said, and gave me a hug and a kiss.

  I like Amy’s mam and dad. They never seem to be in a bad mood. Unless they save it till I’m gone. They also seemed happy that I was going out with Amy. At least that’s what she told me.

  ‘Come on in,’ she said.

  I left me new bike parked against their front wall. Don’t think thieves would steal a bike on Christmas Day. Too busy opening all the presents they’ve nicked.

  ‘Amy’s just upstairs getting ready. Would you like a drink, or a mince pie, Danny?’

  ‘No, thanks, Mrs Reynolds.’

  I waited in their front room. It was about as Christmassy as you can get. Sleigh bell music coming from somewhere, a bushy tree covered in tinsel, fire going, and Amy’s nine-year-old brother, Tyler, and four-year-old sister, Ellie, playing on the floor with their presents. Made me wish I had a brother or sister.

  A couple of minutes later I heard feet racing down the stairs.

  ‘Merry Christmas, Danny,’ said Amy, as she dashed in, all smiley.

  She looked even more gorgeous than normal. I wanted to hug her tight, but her brother and s
ister were staring at us, waiting to see what we’d do next.

  ‘Let’s go outside,’ she said.

  She grabbed me hand and we went through the kitchen, which was starting to smell of turkey, out of the back door and into the alleyway down the side of the house. There was a little garden shed there. Amy opened the door and pulled me in.

  It was packed full of gardening stuff. But there was just enough room for me and Amy to squeeze together. Close.

  Never thought I’d get excited being in a garden shed, but I was now.

  After school Amy and me usually hung round the back of The Immaculate Heart of Mary. There’s nowhere else in Gateshead you’re less likely to meet anyone from school. We’d hold hands, and she’d give me titchy pecks on the lips, the sort you’d give your gran. But that was it. I reckoned it was because Amy was a Catholic.

  But something about the look on her face told me that she wasn’t after granny pecks today.

  ‘Here’s your present,’ I said, pulling a little package from under me jumper.

  I’d got her some perfume. Not that she needs any. She always smells lush.

  ‘Oh, Danny. That’s brilliant,’ said Amy, tearing off the wrapper and looking at the little bottle.

  ‘And I’ve got something for you.’

  With a spark in her eyes she backed me into a corner by the lawnmower and gave me the biggest kiss ever. Without any warning she had her tongue in me mouth, her hands up the back of me jumper, and her perfume up me nose. It was like she’d taken over me entire body. If I went through every word in the dictionary I couldn’t find one to describe how I felt. The French have probably got one. But I’m useless at that.

  I wanted the kiss to go on forever and ever.

  ‘Amy,’ shouted her mam, from the back door. ‘I need your help with the sprouts.’

  Amy rubbed her neck. Must have been stiff from all that bending down. Me whole body was now twitching. Even me brain felt funny, like the time me and Barry drank his dad’s beer.

  ‘Merry Christmas, Danny,’ she said.

  I cycled back home with a grin bigger than anything Callum could come up with. I wished I could have stayed in Amy’s shed all day, but I couldn’t. We were going to Aunty Tina and Uncle Greg’s for Christmas lunch.

  Aunty Tina and Uncle Greg live in Darras Hall, near the airport. It’s where people with tons of money live, like footballers. Some of the houses are that big you can’t even see them from the road. You don’t see any rubbish in the street either, and people bend down to pick up their dog poo. It’s that sort of place.