Almost Alive

by Christina Barr

  “Almost would be enough for me.” I forced a tiny grin on my face and let that be the end of our tragic love affair. I knew we would face difficulty, but even if all the demons in hell clawed at our heels, it would be worth it in the end if we were together. “I’ll see you Sunday at church.”

  I didn’t stop to see Julian’s expression, but I trusted that I gave him quite the pleasant surprise. I planned on continuing to do that. I didn’t need to steal his light. He inspired me to create my own.

  Chapter Nine

  “Michelle?”

  I wanted to just rest in my bed and enjoy the crisp, clean, and warm sheets. It had been a long time since I actually had a good night’s sleep. I didn’t resolve my issues with Julian, but I felt like I did all that I needed to start us on a good journey to a first date.

  “Michelle!” My mother bombarded her way through my door. “I’m having a friend over and I know you probably don’t want to be here when they arrive so—”

  “Wait!” I wrapped my sheets around me and rose up in my bed. “Are you telling me that your yoga instructor is on his way over?”

  She clasped her hands together and slightly swayed from side to side. “He’s actually here.” It was so gross how she giggled like a little girl in middle school. It amazed me—not in a good way—that she could be so shameless in front of me.

  “What time is it?” I moaned.

  “It’s noon.”

  “Noon?” I could believe it because I felt so rested, but I hoped it was earlier so I could just be lazy. “Where do you expect me to go?”

  “You don’t have to leave. We can all hang out together…” She was so not even serious! She didn’t want to bond with her boyfriend. What would they talk about? It’s not like she watched cartoons. “Besides, your friend is here.”

  “Who?” I started to get pretty excited. “Is it Julian?”

  “No. It’s…” She looked confused. “Maria?”

  I started wigging out to myself on the inside, but I couldn’t let Mom see that. “What is she doing here?”

  “I don’t know, but she gives me the creeps! Maybe we should talk about your friends.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Please don’t do that, Mom. You have cheated on my father with someone whose voice probably still cracks from puberty and you want to scold me for hanging out with friends who dress a little darker than I do?”

  Mom still wasn’t used to me talking back or standing up for myself. She usually said whatever selfish thing she wanted and then that was that. But I was forcing her to explain herself. “I didn’t mean to hurt you or your father. Relationships are difficult, and marriage isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I still love your father, but I needed something else in my life. I didn’t want to break up our family. This is just what I need right now.”

  But I didn’t buy what she was selling. However, I was going to play along. “Do you love your boyfriend?”

  “I don’t know.” She shrugged, but there was a special smile on her face that I hadn’t seen in a long time. “He makes me feel new and young.”

  That’s when I rolled my eyes. It was the same old age story about a middle-aged crisis vampire seeking to suck the life from a youth. “Well, I’m not very interesting, so living vicariously through your boyfriend is about the best you can do.”

  She looked a little…Embarrassed? It was awful how I just put her on blast, but she was just a little too simple to figure out.

  “Please entertain Maria while I get dressed. I will confront her in a few minutes.”

  “Okay…I think I can do that.” She was clearly apprehensive about being around Maria and I could relate, but I had defeated her, and she was going to do what I said.

  I threw on some jeans and a tank top and put my hair up in a messy ponytail. I really only planned on kicking her out so I could go to the library and read my bible to impress Julian. When I came downstairs, I heard excited yelling and spotted Maria playing with Mom’s chew toy. I laughed at how pathetic it was. “Video games?” I asked him. “Well, I guess you’re about my age. You probably don’t talk investments and politics with my mom.”

  “Michelle,” he said with a gorgeous and bright smile. “It’s good to have a proper introduction.” His hair was dark blond, and it was neat. He was tall and his body was really fit, and his frame was just so perfect. He had broad shoulders, a thin waist, and I could even tell how toned he was from his muscular legs. I couldn’t blame Mom for being attracted to him, but he was a whole lot closer to my age than hers. “I was hoping the two of us could—”

  “Don’t start that.” I hated being so rude. I was never rude until I got my demon, I swear. But I absolutely could not betray my father, even though he was cool with Mom’s infidelities. “You’re not my father and you’ll never be my friend. There will be no polite conversations and family dinners. Just get out of here and do what you came to do.”

  He looked really flabbergasted. He didn’t know whether he should convince me to change my opinion or if he should ride me off as a crazy teen and ignore me. Eventually, Mom awkwardly came to his rescue and started pulling him away. “Come on. Let me show you the rest of the house.”

  I crossed my arms and glared at him until he evacuated upstairs. And of course my mother’s tour started with the bedroom. I was not stupid. He had been in my house before. He probably knew every inch of her box spring.

  Maria noticed my facial expressions and started snickering. “Are your parents getting a divorce?”

  “Nope, and I don’t care to talk about it.” I cut my eyes at her so she wouldn’t give me anymore lip about it. “Why are you here?”

  Maria was amused with my bad attitude and she chuckled. “I heard about you and Julian, and I wanted to help you get my brother.”

  “I’m not interested in love spells, Maria.” Could she have been any more offensive? “I’m not pathetic!”

  “You’re at least a little pathetic, Michelle. Admit that you’re into him, and you have no idea how to get him.”

  “With time, we’ll figure things out. Right now, his heart is broken. If he doesn’t want to rush into a relationship because of what happened to Eleanor, I understand.”

  “Eleanor is exactly why I’m here. He’ll never forget about her. He hasn’t allowed himself to really be close to anyone else. He likes you, but he’ll die alone unless you make him realize how much he’s addicted to you. Let me help you.”

  I knew that I shouldn’t have trusted her. She was a creepy witch. She might not have had green skin and flew on a broomstick, but she had some kind of abilities. Julian claimed that she didn’t, but she made me feel really eerie. But, she was his sister, and I was still really curious about what she had to say. “How? What am I supposed to do?”

  “You could start by becoming his ideal woman.”

  I was a tad offended, though I knew I was far from ideal. “He likes me fine enough.”

  “No, he doesn’t.” She sighed and appeared to pity me because of my nativity. “He thinks you’re a commercialized doll that’s too naïve to survive without him.”

  “He doesn’t think that!”

  “Yes, he does.” She tried to resist a tiny smirk that appeared on her face as she reached inside of a black messenger bag she was wearing and pulled out a black leather-bound book with a golden lock. “He wrote about you in his diary.”

  I gasped, because I was horridly appalled by her actions. I had never invaded someone’s privacy like that, and it was awful that she would take advantage of their sibling bond and betray her brother by reading his most intimate thoughts. I also couldn’t believe that he would keep a diary and have it somewhere any human could find it. I was curious, but I didn’t want to read it. Maria did open up to a page pointed right to a specific spot. I glanced and certainly saw my name, but I didn’t want to be that person that stooped so low. “It doesn’t matter what that says. I’m sure he doesn’t think that way anymore.”

  “Of course there is posit
ive, but he doesn’t think it’s gonna work out between the two of you. He keeps talking about how you’re too…Different.”

  I kept looking at the diary. I figured that everything I needed to know to properly dissect his brain was in there, but it wasn’t ethical. Would it have been a sin? I wasn’t sure, but I was going to trust in my instincts and stay away from it.

  Maria was surprised when I didn’t snatch the book out of her hands like a pitiful and silly girl. She smiled and closed the book shut before tucking it safely back inside her bag. “I’m very impressed, Michelle. You not only like my brother, but you respect him.”

  “I do.”

  She gently grabbed my hand. “I know things have been weird between us ever since you found out about my unique abilities, but I think you would be good for my brother. I trust you, and I think you can make him better again.”

  I began to breathe in deeply as I stared into her eyes. I tried to pull my hand away, but it amazingly never moved at all. I felt something coming from Maria, and I felt something leaving me. I was going to beg her to make it stop, but I couldn’t think of the words.

  “Let me help you help him.” Every syllable that came out of her mouth was a demand with great authority, though her words sounded like she was pleading.

  “You know you want Julian. He’ll never accept you for who you are. No one else will want someone as damaged as you. The only way to keep you from dying alone is to become like Eleanor.”

  Desperate and suddenly pathetic, I did what I had to in order to be happy. “Okay.”

  Maria gleefully cheered. “Great! Let’s get started, Michelle.”

  I was suddenly very anxious to see what Maria could do in order to make me more suitable to Julian’s eyes. We went upstairs to my room, and Maria parked me in a rolling chair I had at my desk. I had never seen her so excited. It was like she was a mad scientist about to experiment with all of her makeup that she emptied out of her bag and onto my bed.

  “Should I be concerned?”

  “Why?” she laughed. “Are you nervous?”

  “No,” I said with a shaky voice. “Why should I be?”

  “Because, you’re a creature of habit. You dress a certain way, look a certain way, and behave a certain way.”

  “That’s not true…” I don’t know why I even bothered saying that when I started flinching as she aimed the eyeliner right at my face. I tried to remain still as she carefully swiped the pencil across my eye, but I think I was shaking. “…And even if it is, that doesn’t mean anything bad because I like that I look a certain way. It’s what I like.”

  “It’s what’s safe.” She blew into my eyes to keep them from streaming tears from the irritation and ruining her flawless penciling. “You need a little bit of danger in your life.”

  “Oh, I’ve got enough of that.”

  “And you secretly like it! You like that your whole world is changing.”

  She was wrong about me. I missed having a boring life, because I didn’t have a demon gnawing on my soul when all I thought about was if I had homework and if my boyfriend was gonna take me to the movies on Friday. I didn’t want to worry about becoming a monster because I told a little fib. “It’s terrifying…”

  “But at least it’s exciting.” She smiled in my face in approval before turning my chair so I could see myself in the mirror. “Tell me that you don’t feel the least bit empowered right now.”

  I never put too much makeup on. I always thought I’d look like a whore or a clown if I did, but Maria did it right. I looked…Darker, but in a good way. “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do.” She started running her fingers through my flat hair to give it volume. After a little bit of teasing, she made me look like a sexy woman. “You like breaking the mold. You like that you’re doing something your parents wouldn’t like, especially since they’re putting you through hell. You like that you know you look good and that you could seduce the boy you want. You like that you’ve got the nerve all of the sudden to do the reckless things you never thought you could do.”

  I shied my eyes from her. I did like that I looked nice, and I think I liked the fact that my parents didn’t like Julian, because I certainly didn’t like their boyfriend and girlfriend. The boring me was safe and secure, but she didn’t have a lick of nerve. “Maybe…”

  “That’s a start.” She was pleased with my tiny smile and wrapped her arms around me. “Use that confidence. It’ll make Julian go crazy.”

  I smirked. “I will.” Maybe I was selling out in order to get a boy, and maybe I wasn’t. I liked to think of it as strategizing.

  Maria had brought an outfit over. It was a short leather dress and fishnet stockings. I would never pick it out myself, but after she made me try it on, I felt really hot in it. I don’t know why I had to be someone else to finally feel that way, but at least I found my confidence.

  “You look great,” Maria said. “He’s gonna flip when he sees you!”

  “I know, right!” I felt really great, different than I ever had before. I was determined to make Julian see that he and I made sense. I wasn’t afraid of what could happen, and he didn’t need to be afraid either.

  “Here are the keys to my house.” Maria placed the silver key in my hand and instead of feeling the nervous butterflies that I should have felt I had an odd sense of desperation. I needed Julian to want me, and I was going to make him want me.

  I smirked deviously and stared at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t afraid of the ravenous woman that I saw, because I knew she could change the world. Whatever cost she had to pay, she wasn’t scared. She only cared about what my heart wanted. “I’m ready.”

  I walked out of my room with my heels purposely clanking on the wooden floor. Mom was still up in her room, but her boyfriend had gone down into the kitchen for a drink of water. He spotted me while I was walking out with Maria, and he stared a little too long and longingly. It disgusted me a little bit, but a plan quickly came into mind on how I could separate him and my mother. If he had sex with me, then Mom would know that he didn’t love her. I’d be doing us all a favor if I sabotaged their relationship. Maybe it would even get my parents officially back together.

  “Save those smoldering looks for my brother,” Maria said in my ear.

  I hadn’t noticed that I was flirting so much with my lips and eyes until she brought it to my attention. I ceased pursing my lips and giggled as I followed Maria out of the front door. I felt fierce! I didn’t know that much confidence existed in my personality.

  “I’m gonna go out. Julian should be home not too long after you arrive.” She squealed. “Have fun tonight.”

  “I will.” When I arrived at Julian’s, I decided to park a little ways down the street so he’d be completely surprised when he came in his bedroom and found me inside and waiting patiently on his bed.

  The house was empty when I came inside. The lights were off, but there was enough light pouring in from the midday sun for me to see. I snuck upstairs and tried my best not to do anything that would make my presence known. I did sneak into Maria’s room and took a couple of candles to set the mood. I figured she wouldn’t mind.

  It was a little difficult trying to set a romantic atmosphere in Julian’s room. After all, it had bible scriptures plastered everywhere. However, I didn’t feel convicted about what I was trying to do. It was simply weird that there was a bunch of writing on his walls like a crazy inmate in an asylum. I never even considered that what I was doing was indeed wrong.

  I patted his bed to see how soft it was before sitting down and crossing my legs sexily. I realized exactly how short my dress was, but I shrugged. It’s not like I was about to be wearing any clothes anyway.

  I only waited a minute or two before the bedroom handle turned and he came in sweaty from an afternoon jog. “Michelle?”

  As he examined me, I did the same for him. I didn’t consider that he was sweaty as a turn off. I was quite riled up about how his muscular body glistened
in the light. He had great, toned legs and his arms and chest were really being showcased well in his tight, black tank top. I smirked and got off of the bed, determined to remove every piece of fabric from him.

  “What are you doing?” he asked horrified as he pushed me back. “Where are your clothes?”

  “I thought you might like these better.” I went in for his lips, but he pushed me back again.

  “You have a spirit of lust on you!” he yelled.

  I rolled my eyes and went in for the kill again. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  He pushed me once more. “No!” His nosed scrunched up in disgust. “I see it on you, Michelle. It’s like…A black tar, but worse.” He held his stomach as if he were about to vomit. “Who put this on you?”

  “Stop it!” I was starting to feel embarrassed, and I didn’t like it one bit. “I don’t have lust on me, Julian. I just want you to know that I can be who you need me to be.”

  “What? Like Eleanor?” He began to get so angry that I swear his eyes were shaking. “Maria did this, didn’t she?”

  “Don’t!” I warned. “She’s only trying to help me.”

  He rubbed the temples of his forehead in pure frustration and growled like a beast. I could tell that he was just exhausted with everything, especially me. “You can’t be this stupid, Michelle. You can’t be this trapped and deceived. I can’t stand for you to be this…Idiotic!”

  “Excuse me?” I didn’t know what else to say. I was angry, but I felt my heart as if it were physically being torn apart.

  “You have to fight back for yourself, Michelle. I can’t keep pulling your weight. It’s too much.”

  “Why?” I smirked and placed my hand on his firm chest. “Is it because you’re fighting yourself every step of the way?” I could feel something inside of him pulling on something that was on the inside of me. We were connecting, and I think I knew how dark it was, but it felt beautiful at the time. I finally didn’t fear the unknown. I embraced it. Deep down, I knew he wanted to embrace it as well.