Almost Alive

by Christina Barr

  “I’m not gonna lie to you, Michelle. I like my soul too much.” His eyes looked so tragic as he fought me. He was tired. He might as well have embraced his feelings as I did. We were inevitable. “I do want you.”

  I took that as an invitation to try and kiss him, but he pressed his hands into my shoulders and held me back. “I do, but not like this. I’m not gonna have sex with you—or anyone for that matter—until I am married.”

  “How will you know if someone is right for you unless you have sex with them?” I laughed. You needed to know how someone was in bed before you committed yourself to them for supposedly forever! “You’re putting up a shield, Julian. This is all because of Eleanor—”

  “I loved Eleanor, but she’s dead.” As much as it hurt him to admit that, he did recognize that as truth. “I’m not incapable of moving on, but you’re supposed to be my student, not my anchor. Don’t sink me, because if it comes down to my soul or the both of ours, I will let you drown.”

  And there it was. He was exactly the monster I thought he was when we first met each other. “How can you be so selfish?”

  “How can you be so blind?” he yelled, and it felt like the loudest thing in the entire world.

  I didn’t know how to get through to him. He was a coward. He was always going to be a coward, and I didn’t know if I would ever be able to reach him. “Don’t be afraid of what I can give you.”

  He turned his head from me, and I sensed that he had hardened his heart into cold, impenetrable stone. “Get out.”

  I gaffed. I just couldn’t believe that after all the hard work I put into becoming his ideal woman that he would toss me away like trash. “Fine.” I pushed passed him and rushed out of his house. I didn’t want him to make me cry and in case he did, I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing my tears.

  I held myself together on the outside, but I had so much turmoil raging inside of my heart. I concluded that it was best to just let things go with Julian, but I swore up and down that I loved him. Maria was right. He couldn’t get over Eleanor.

  You have to move on. Find someone else who will love you better.

  But I didn’t know how and I didn’t know where I was supposed to go to find that certain special someone. I drove around town for a while looking for some way to relieve my internal agony.

  Why don’t you try cutting yourself? People must do it for a reason.

  Maybe it would take my mind off of the pain of being alone, but someone would find out. I didn’t want a big intervention that would land me back in therapy. I would have rather died than went back to my therapist and dealt with my parents freaking out about my sanity again.

  There’s no need to kill yourself. Just find someone who wants to love you. That’s all you need.

  Yes. That was all I needed. Without even thinking, I drove to school and parked in the student lot. There were a few cars, but clearly no event was going on. I didn’t know what I was doing there, but I waited a while for absolutely nothing. When I got sick of waiting in the car, I lay on top of the hood and stared up at the dimming sky. It was such a beautiful sunset and yet I had no one to share it with. If such beauty was to be followed by the night, then why was the darkness seen as such an evil? Wasn’t it just as real as anything else? Didn’t it deserve to be free as itself with no remorse of its nature? That’s all we humans wanted. We wanted the freedom to be ourselves without being judged for the nature that lived within our hearts. How could we help what we were? How could we help that no matter where we were we would eventually be embraced by the darkness?

  “Michelle?”

  I sat up and pulled my tiny dress down a little bit so Michael wouldn’t see my crotch. I felt a little bit like a freak, but at least he was a friendly and familiar face. “What are you doing here?”

  “There was an emergency meeting for the football team.” He laughed pitifully to himself. “I’m not the team captain anymore.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” To be honest, I didn’t know that he was the captain at all. “Why?”

  “The QB and some of the other guys got with the coach. They tried to make it seem like it was about my performance, but I know it’s just drama.”

  “Drama?”

  “There’s too much to explain.” He sighed and leaned his back up against my car. “It’s all a bunch of stupid crap that’s not even a big deal. It’s just guy talk that they took too seriously. To be honest, everyone has hated me since…”

  I knew, because he didn’t want to say. “Since you and I made out?”

  He crossed his arms and nodded. “Liz has ruined me, her and all of her friends. Now I don’t have anyone.”

  “I know the feeling.” I felt awful for ruining his life. He was probably going to marry Liz before I tried to seduce him. They seemed like the type of high school sweethearts that would make a life together. He might have done a lot of crappy things, but I generally got the feeling that he was a good guy. Maybe I screwed that all up.

  “You look like you should be out somewhere having fun.” He had a smirk on his face after studying my look from my hair to my heels.

  “I look like a prostitute,” I said while struggling not to laugh at how ridiculous I was.

  “Only the classiest kind.” After he had an amused grin on his face, I very well couldn’t keep myself together, and we laughed. It was nice to just laugh again. “What’s up, Michelle? Why are you here?”

  I wanted to tell him a lie, but I remembered how wasteful that was for my soul. Besides, Michael really didn’t have the right to judge me. “I thought I was in love with Julian. I thought he was in love with me. Looks like I was wrong on both counts.”

  I shrugged, because there was no explanation to anything concerning him and me. “I don’t even understand why I started to like him. It doesn’t make sense. We’re so different. I should like a boy like you, not him.”

  “Me?” he asked surprised, but with a hint of gratitude. “I’m the jerk who lied to you about having a girlfriend.”

  “Yeah, but what were you gonna do after I threw myself at you?” His behavior was just what any guy would do. Only a tortured soul like Julian would deny me.

  I wasn’t trying to really hit on Michael, but he was so relieved that he began to smile beautifully, and it was the most honest I had ever seen him. “I’ve been obsessed with you ever since I met you. I can’t get you out of my head, Michelle. I don’t know if we can be anything, but I’d like to try.”

  See, Michelle, all you had to do was wait for love, and here it is.

  It was so simple, and it was right in front of my face. Now that it belonged to me, I couldn’t hesitate. “I’d like that too.”

  We kissed, and it felt innocent and pure, but it was sensational and unknowingly greedy. It couldn’t be satisfied with the brush of our lips or the collision of our tongues. He wanted something else from me and what I needed was something deeper.

  I followed him to his home that didn’t have one ounce of weirdness like Julian’s house. It was gorgeous and sophisticated like mine. His parents weren’t home, and we didn’t have any sort of disturbance when his strong arms lifted me up into his arms and carried me up to his bedroom. He had a poster of a female wrestler on his wall, and I didn’t feel intimidated by his fantasy woman with the toned abs and enormous breasts. I was confident in the fact that I could be whoever he needed me to be. And though we were filled with lust and raging hormones, he had a gentle touch that possessed a kind spirit and a deep desire to be loved. Every time his fingers stroked my skin, it was never with any malicious intent. My soul didn’t leap when he looked into my eyes, but I felt safe and I felt dangerous, and I liked that I could feel both.

  “Are you sure?” he muttered under what little breath he had.

  This is exactly what you want.

  “This is exactly what I want.”

  And I had my way with him without guilt, without shame, and without fear of Julian’s judgmental eyes ripping my so
ul into bite sized bits for my demon to devour. I was free to be myself in my human nature.

  Chapter Ten

  I was about to drift off to sleep, but the soft lips of my lover pressing gently against my bare back awakened me. I never thought I was very ticklish, but I had never had a man kiss me in such a manner. The only other man I had sex with was a selfish lover. He didn’t care if I was ready, and he didn’t care if I were satisfied. When it was all over, I went to the bathroom and cried silently to myself. With Michael, I never wanted to leave. I wanted him all over again.

  “That was probably the best sex I’ve ever had,” he said with a genuine smile.

  “It was the best I’ve ever had too.” I stared into his dreamy eyes for a while. How could what I had done be evil when it made me feel so incredibly happy? “Would I be asking too much to do that again?”

  He laughed and pecked me on the lips. “Do you still love Julian?”

  I shrugged. I really didn’t know what I was feeling anymore. “I can’t think about him. I keep thinking about how perfect this moment is.”

  “It is quite perfect, isn’t it?” I don’t think Michael was trying to dupe me. There was too much sincerity in his eyes. How could he fake something like that? “Would you like to come to my football game tomorrow night?”

  “Sunday night?” I asked surprised. “That’s unusual, don’t you think?”

  “It’s a scrimmage match against another team out of the district. Our coach was their coach’s friend and rival. They think we can learn something from each other, but we think they’ve placed bets with each other.”

  “And what’s in it for you guys?”

  “They have a really impressive record. If we beat them, we can get some scouts to come look us up.”

  “Then this is good.” I pecked him on his lips. “I would love to go and support you.”

  “Good.” He started to blush the slightest bit. “Maybe I can announce you as my official girlfriend.”

  I was incredibly flattered that he would ask, and I wanted to accept, but I didn’t know if it were right. I still needed to work all of my feelings out with Julian before I got an official boyfriend. “Let me think about it.”

  He was disappointed, but managed out a little smile. “Okay.”

  I rolled over and took a look at his alarm clock. It was going on ten. “I hate to leave, but I don’t want to freak out my parents. They have no idea where I am.” They would assume I was with Julian, and that would bother them. I’m sure if they had met Michael and knew that I was with him, they’d feel a little bit better about me screwing him.

  “Alright.” He had remorse about our agreement and wrapped his arms around my waist and began kissing my neck. I giggled again, but I found the strength to fight him off. “Go ahead, but don’t be a stranger.”

  “I don’t plan on it.” I gave him one final kiss before I got dressed. His parents were gone for the weekend, so I didn’t have to deal with an awkward conversation when I snuck out of the house. All and all, it was a really fantastic night.

  “It sure was.”

  I felt an awful pain in my gut and started hunching over. I held my stomach and gritted my teeth as I tried to block out the pain. I figured it had to be cramps, but it was too soon. Then the pain was too severe. It felt like something was clawing at my stomach and I could hardly breathe. I stumbled to my car and collapsed in the backseat. My entire body started trembling, and the pain increased up to my chest. I broke out into a sweat and screamed into the seat to muffle the sound, but I didn’t care how much noise I was making once I felt myself burning from the inside.

  I don’t know how long it lasted, but I was paralyzed from the pain and sobbed in my car for at least an hour. I was drained and terrified. It was clear to me what had happened. I was caught up in my emotions and completely forgot about the consequences.

  When I gained enough strength, I pulled my phone out of my purse and scrolled to find Julian’s number. I stared at it for a while, but I didn’t want to hear him scream at me for acting like a complete fool. I didn’t want him to scold me. I needed solutions. I needed the demon out of me.

  The next morning, I prepared myself to meet Julian before he went to church. I was still running late, and I didn’t catch him until he was pulling out of the driveway. I ran and beat on the trunk of the car, and it came to an abrupt stop. Julian put the car in park and got out screaming at me about how much of an idiot I was being, but I didn’t care.

  “Julian, you have to listen me!”

  “I could have hurt you, Michelle—”

  “I messed up!” It was so hard to get up and get dressed, but I did it anyway. I pushed through all of my pain and torment, and it was going to be worth it in the end. I was determined!

  He clenched his jaw, already pissed off. “What did you do?”

  “After you rejected me…I had sex with Michael.” My bottom lip started quivering, and my sweaty palms started to shake. I didn’t want him to think any less of me. I didn’t think there’d be any expectations left to work with. “Are you mad?”

  He breathed deeply into the palms of his hands. I thought he was prepping to yell at me, but he was stayed remarkably calm. “No. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I knew you were bound to do something stupid.”

  “I didn’t give you much of a choice.” I couldn’t believe I was such a fool. I was going to be patient and do the right thing before Maria came over and touched me. It was like they were working together!

  “The demon ate your soul?”

  “Yeah.” The admittance of such a thing caused a bucket of viciously cold fear to be dumped over my head and I started shaking. “It hasn’t said anything since then, though. I think it’s curious to see what I’m gonna do next.”

  Julian grabbed me in order to keep me still. “You’re gonna go to church with me and actually listen to what I tell you from now on.”

  I nodded a few times quickly. “I understand, but we’re not going to church today.”

  He cocked his brow. “We’re not?”

  “No. I’ve been researching all night long, and I think I’ve finally found someone who can put an end to my suffering.” I smiled and laughed hysterically. “I found an exorcist!”

  I expected Julian to share some of my joy, but I was instead met with way too much skepticism. “Like a Catholic exorcist?”

  “No!” I had seen enough scary movies not to want to go that route. “She’s like sixty, and she’s from a southern Pentecostal church. She lives three hours from here.”

  “So, you want to go on a road trip?” Julian sighed heavily and folded his arms. “How do you know this will even work?”

  “I found an eBook about demons and it mentioned a woman named Cynthia Fields. She was taught voodoo as a child and then she became possessed. The demon drove her to try and kill herself, so she went to a tent revival one night and the demon was cast out of her. Then she started a little church and started helping free other people.”

  “And how do you know where she lives?”

  “I couldn’t find her address, so I looked up her family history on one of those ancestry sights. I found her granddaughter and looked her up, and one of her statuses was something about taking care of her grandmother while she was sick and…” I was being a loser, desperate stalker. I hadn’t thought about how crazy I sounded until I saw Julian’s face as I explained it all. But what other options did I have? “Julian, I know it’s a long shot, but I have to see her. She could be my only chance.”

  I needed him to have faith with me. I needed him to hug me and tell me that we would see Cynthia, and she would make me free. He might not have been obligated as a boyfriend to say all of that mushy stuff, but he was my mentor. I needed him to have enough decency to give a little bit of something to hold onto!

  “I understand that you need this and I wanna help give you hope…” He was going to smash my dreams into tiny pieces. I could see it in his eyes. “Get in my car.” He wasn’t opt
imistic. He was just too chicken to shatter me.

  “We can take mine. The address is already in the GPS. I’ve got coffee and snacks. I bought the gas.” I knew I sounded pathetic again, so I laughed nervously at myself. “I’m ready to get my life back.”

  Julian really didn’t believe, but I think he needed something to hold onto as well. “Okay.”

  I let him drive and silently climbed into the passenger’s seat. I didn’t want to talk about my mistake with Michael. I knew Julian was thinking about it, and that was bad enough. I would worry about the consequences of my actions if Cynthia couldn’t help me.

  Julian felt guilty about missing church and popped in a CD of the bible. He was even so kind to make sure to start in Genesis so I wouldn’t be lost. It was hard to really focus and take it all in, but I did my best to let the monotone voice soothe my jacked up mind.

  Eventually, Julian turned off the volume and looked right at me with a ton of compassion, which meant he was gonna say something that I didn’t wanna hear anyway. “I don’t wanna get your hopes up and then have everything crash back on you, Michelle, but—”

  “I understand that this is a wild goose chase.” I turned away from him. I got that he was trying to be nice, but I didn’t need that. I needed him to be completely delusional, because I had enough doubts already. “That whole book that I bought could be a fake, but I have to take this risk. There’s a chunk of my soul gone. I can’t lose any more of myself!”

  “I’ll do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen!” I could sense that he felt he was doing a crappy job watching over me. It wasn’t exactly his fault. I was stubborn and difficult to work with. He was doing his best to take care of me. “Get some sleep.”

  “I can’t sleep.”

  “You look exhausted. Were you awake all night?”