Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

Moments later, the peak of the frame was wedged inside the door opening, and the tent reached approximately halfway to the ground on either side.

  “I’m telling you, it shrunk,” Fred insisted.

  “Ahem,” Cat said from across the campsite, where she and Jen were reclining in camp chairs. Billie turned to see her waving the instructions. “Are you ready to read the instructions yet?”

  “I don’t need instructions, Cat.”

  “Stop being such a guy and admit you need help,” Cat teased, while Jen struggled to hide a grin.

  “Uh, that’s kind of hard for me to do,” Fred said drolly.

  “Okay, smarty pants, why don’t you and Jen put this damned thing together?” Billie challenged.

  “And if we do?”

  “If you do, Fred and I will clean up after dinner tonight.”

  “Hey, speak for yourself,” Fred said.

  Billie glanced at him. “Don’t worry, Fred. I doubt they can do it.”

  Cat and Jen rose from their chairs and approached their spouses. “You’re on,” Cat said.

  “Have at it. How about a beer, Fred?” Billie offered as they headed for the chairs Cat and Jen had vacated.

  While Billie and Fred watched, Cat and Jen methodically disassembled the frame.

  “Hey, we put a lot of work into that,” Billie protested.

  Cat glanced back over her shoulder. “Who’s doing this, you or us?”

  Next, they laid the tent base flat on the ground and, piece by piece, assembled one leg of the frame inside the tent by sliding each pole into its designated sleeve and connecting them end to end across the base. The process was then repeated across the other two corners. When they were together, the four stabilizer bars were inserted around the tops of each wall and connected to the crosspieces. Finally, the four bottom stabilizer bars were inserted, one on each side, and connected to the main poles at the corners. To finish, they hammered the stakes back into the corner pockets to secure the tent.

  Cat dropped the hammer on the ground at Billie’s feet. “Piece of cake,” she said smugly.

  Billie and Fred looked at each other in amazement. “Well, I’ll be,” Fred said.

  “You wash, I’ll dry,” Billie replied.

  With Cat and Jen’s help, the children’s tents were soon set up. The children’s tents were two three-man domes that went together relatively easy. They placed them so that their entrances faced each other in the center of the campsite. The sleeping arrangements had been decided by the kids, with Stevie and Seth in one tent, and Skylar, Karissa, and Tara in the other.

  After securing a promise to ask for help if needed, Cat and Jen reluctantly allowed Billie and Fred to set up the adult tents while they organized the enclosed dining area.

  “Fred, why don’t you set up your tent, and I’ll set up ours. It’ll save a little time. The sooner we’re finished, the sooner we can relax. I don’t know about you, but I’m beat after that long drive last night.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  “Call if you need help,” Billie offered.

  Billie and Cat’s shelter was a larger version of the children’s dome tents. Before long, Billie had it set up inside and out, positioned to one side of the smaller tents. They had enough extra space in their tent to store their family’s suitcases and extra blankets.

  Just as Billie finished, Cat poked her head inside. “Nice job.”

  “Food all put away?” Billie asked.

  “Yes.”

  Billie sat down in the middle of their sleeping bags and pulled Cat down into her lap. She looked around at their cozy environment. “Maybe this won't be so bad.”

  Cat smiled and placed a feather-light kiss on Billie’s lips. “I’m looking forward to making love to you in the wilderness,” she whispered.

  Billie lowered Cat to the pillows and lightly ran her hand over her breasts. “You are so beautiful, my love.” She squeezed the supple flesh through the shirt and drew a soft coo from Cat. Her tongue demanded entry as she devoured Cat’s mouth.

  Sounds of bickering reached the ladies’ ears just as Billie

  pulled Cat’s shirt out of her waistband. Cat turned her face in the direction of the noise. “I guess we’d better go see.”

  Sighing in frustration, Billie rested her forehead on Cat’s chest, then looked up into Cat’s eyes. “Tonight.”

  “Sweetheart, I hate to burst your bubble, but you would’ve had to wait until tonight anyway. There’s no way I’m doing the nasty with you in broad daylight, with the kids running around outside the tent.”

  “You’ve got a point there.” Billie rose to her feet and helped Cat up, then took a moment to straighten her clothes before exiting the tent.

  Jen and Fred were standing at the back of their van in the midst of the gear that was still strewn around on the ground. Jen gesticulated wildly as they argued back and forth. Cat and Billie walked over to them, hand in hand.

  “Problems?” Billie asked.

  “Ask Einstein here,” Jen said.

  “Tent poles,” Fred said, looking chagrined.

  “Tent poles,” Billie repeated. When Fred remained silent, she looked around at the supplies that had been haphazardly thrown out of the van. Realization struck her. She looked back at Fred. “Don’t tell me... you forgot them, right?”

  “Right.” He looked down at the ground and kicked the dirt around with his toe.

  Billie raised her hand to her mouth to hide her grin.

  At the look on Billie’s face, Jen lost her cool. She stomped around. “Wonderful. This is just wonderful. We’ll be sleeping with the mosquitoes tonight, and you think it’s funny?”

  “Jen, I understand how you’re feeling, but there’s no reason to be angry with Billie,” Cat said. She wrapped her arm around Jen’s shoulder. “Calm down. We’ll think of something.”

  Hands on hips, Billie walked around the tent and found that the four corners were already staked to the ground. “Uh, Fred, didn’t we already make that mistake?”

  “Fred, I swear you have the memory of a goldfish,” Jen said.

  “Enough, already. How many times do I have to apologize?”

  “Let’s go to the office to see if they have any poles that were left behind by other campers,” Billie suggested. “At the very least, the park ranger might have an idea how to jury-rig something for this.”

  A half hour later, Billie and Fred returned empty handed. “No luck,” Fred said. “Apparently another set of campers had the same problem, and the only available poles have already been loaned out.”

  “Great, just great!” Jen said.

  “Don’t give up hope. I’m sure there’s something we can do.” Billie looked around the area and was dismayed to realize the campsite had been picked clean of fallen branches. The last occupants probably used them for firewood. Now what do we do? She looked up at the surrounding trees. Suddenly, she smiled. “Got some rope?”

  An hour later, Billie and Fred had the four corners of the roof and the center peak of the tent tied to the trees by ropes. From a distance, the tent appeared to be as perfect as it would have been with the tent poles. Up close, it looked rather odd.

  When the tent was secured, all four adults stood in front of it and looked up. Jen was the first to laugh. “Holy moly. Anyone walking by is going to think we’re insane.” Before long, all four of them were in varying degrees of incapacity from laughter.

  The kids chose that moment to return from exploring the campground.

  Seth tilted his head at the tent construction. “What the…?”

  “Geez, that looks strange,” Stevie added.

  Jen tried to explain the situation but failed miserably as laughter rolled through her.

  Seth turned to Stevie. “Are your parents as weird as mine?”

  “Weirder.”

  The girls lost interest immediately, and they climbed into their tent to play dolls. Seth and Stevie just shook their heads and rummaged through the camping gear until they fou
nd their fishing poles.

  “Where are you two going?” Fred asked.

  “There’s a great stream behind the campsite. We’re gonna give it a shot,” Seth said.

  When the adults had composed themselves, Cat turned to Jen. “Okay, Jen, we need to grocery shop while Billie and Fred finish organizing the site. Are you ready to go?”

  “Grocery shop?” Fred exclaimed. “We had to force the lid closed on the hamburger box, it was so stuffed with food. Why do we need more?”

  Jen walked over to Fred and knocked on his forehead. “Hello! Is anyone in there?” she asked. “We need perishables. We have no meat, cheese, milk, butter, or eggs, and we need to get ice for the cooler. We’ll be back soon.”

  “Oh, Billie,” Cat said, “when we get back, be sure to look for your phone in the back of the car, okay?”

  “Okay. Do you want Fred and me to take the kayaks off the roof before you go?” Billie asked.

  Cat glanced toward the car, then back at Billie. “No. We can take them off when we get back. It’s getting pretty close to dinner time, and I’d like to get back as soon as we can.”

  * * *

  It was nearly 5 p.m. by the time the final piece of gear was stowed and the campsite fully organized. Upon returning from the store, Jen and Cat busied themselves with preparing the communal dinner while Billie and Fred took care of the kayaks and set up the campfire. Jen and Cat decided they would take care of cooking duties if Billie and Fred tended the campfire and kept the campsite clean. Considering that neither Billie nor Fred could cook anything edible, they all agreed it was a fine arrangement.

  An hour later, with the kids gathered and hands washed, the two families sat contentedly around the picnic table enjoying a meal of hamburgers, chips, and corn on the cob.

  “Great dinner, Ma,” Seth said.

  “Thanks, sweetie.” Cat’s attention was drawn toward Billie, who was yawning loudly. “Tired, love?”

  “Beat is more like it.”

  “I, for one, am looking forward to my air mattress tonight,”

  Fred offered.

  Jen nodded. “Amen to that.”

  “Well, I think we accomplished quite a lot today,” Billie said. “We arrived in one piece, despite the flat tire and gas crisis.”

  “Don’t forget Maeve sending us into a cornfield,” Cat interrupted.

  “And Maeve sending us into a cornfield.”

  “Do you realize we’ve been 36 hours without sleep?” Fred asked. “No wonder we’re tired.”

  “I’m more tired from having to pick up the mess we made while emptying the cars than I am from driving here. I had to do it twice. Once to change the flat tire and another when we unpacked,” Billie complained.

  “Which reminds me¯did you ever find your phone?” Cat asked.

  “Nope. It appears to be AWOL.”

  Chapter 12: Help Me Make It Through the Night

  Cat held the stick a few inches above the flame and carefully rotated the white fluffy marshmallow at the end of it for Skylar. The older children were all seated around the picnic table several yards away playing a board game.

  “Don’t let it burn, Mama,” Skylar said.

  “I’ll try not to, sweetie.”

  “Hurry, Mama, the kids are playing the game without me.”

  “I’m going as fast as I can, sweetie."

  Armed with a graham cracker and chocolate, Skylar waited patiently at Cat’s side, ready to squish the marshmallow between the scrumptious layers as soon as it was toasted it to a golden brown color.

  “Damn,” Cat exclaimed as the marshmallow fell from her stick into the fire, where it immediately went up in flames.

  “Aw, Mama.”

  “Here, let me do that.” Billie took the stick from Cat and speared a fresh marshmallow. Within moments, it was perfectly toasted and sandwiched in Skylar’s treat.

  “Thanks, Mommy,” Skylar said.

  Cat glared at Billie. “How do you do that?” Billie opened her mouth to answer, but Cat interrupted her. “I know. You have many skills, right?”

  Billie leaned forward and placed her hands on the arms of Cat’s chair, then whispered in her ear, “I could toast your marshmallows, if you want me to.”

  Cat gave her a “not in front of the neighbors” look, then whispered back, “They’re half melted already. Remember your promise.”

  “How could I forget?” Billie traced Cat’s jaw line with her index finger and stopped under her chin, placing a delicate kiss on her lips before returning to her seat.

  Cat watched as Jen leaned into Fred and took his hand. Fred lifted Jen’s hand to his mouth and kissed it before he winked at her and turned his attention back to the fire. “I’m so glad we’re here together. We need to do this more often,” Cat said.

  “Do you realize it’s been, what, nearly five years that we’ve known each other, and this is the first time we’ve done something like this,” Jen said.

  “Has it been five years already?” Billie asked.

  “Skylar was just a baby when you moved into the neighborhood, and she turned five this past May, right? I remember it like it was yesterday,” Jen glanced at the children, then lowered her voice. “We were so naïve then. Who’d’ve thunk we’d be best friends with a couple of lezbos.”

  “If you want to speak lezbonics, get it right. The term is lezzie, lipstick, chapstick, carpet-muncher, gnome-stroker,” Billie corrected.

  “I’ve heard of lipstick, but what the hell is a chapstick?” Jen asked.

  “A diesel dyke, boi, butch, stud. You know, a tomboy lesbian,” Billie explained.

  “I see.”

  Fred stretched his legs out in front of him and hooked his thumbs into his belt. “Yeah. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I’d be a fag-hag,” he said.

  “Fred!” Jen exclaimed, glancing once more at the kids.

  “So you like to hang with gay men, do you, Fred?” Cat asked.

  “I didn’t say that,” he replied quickly. “I meant I like hanging with you guys.”

  “I think the term you’re looking for is lesbro, Fred,” Billie offered.

  “Yeah, that’s exactly what I meant.”

  “Well, regardless of what you call it, we love you guys, and we’re grateful you came into our lives,” Jen said.

  “Ditto, my friend, ditto,” Billie replied.

  “Hey, all this talk about lesbians reminds me of a joke,” Fred said.

  “Oh God, do you have to?” Jen objected.

  “You’ll like it. I promise.”

  “Go ahead, Fred. I’d like to hear it,” Billie said.

  “Okay. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?” Fred looked back and forth between the women. No one replied. “Give up? One’s a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.”

  Jen jumped to her feet. “Frederick Cornelius Swenson, I can’t believe you said that in front of the kids!”

  “Cornelius?” Billie repeated.

  “What? They weren’t even paying attention,” Fred said defensively.

  “I thought it was hysterical,” Billie said as she wiped tears of laughter from her eyes.

  ”Speaking of the kids, it is getting pretty late,” Cat said. She looked over at the picnic table. “It’s nearly midnight guys. Time to hit the sheets.”

  “Aw, Ma!” Seth complained.

  “Don’t ‘aw, Ma’ me. It’s been a long day. There’ll be lots to do tomorrow that you’ll need to be rested up for. Off to bed with you.”

  While Cat and Jen tucked the children securely inside their tents, Billie cleaned their campsite of chocolate bar wrappers and left over paper plates and napkins from their dinner and threw them into the fire. She then reached into the cooler and produced two beers, one of which she handed to Fred.

  “I really want to thank you for your help with the tent today,” Fred said. “I can’t believe I left the poles at home. I can still see them leaning against the garage door.”

  Bil
lie chuckled. “No problem. Hey, what’s on the agenda for tomorrow?” she asked as Cat and Jen settled themselves back into their lawn chairs around the fire. Billie rose from her seat to get them each a beer and popped Cat’s open for her before handing it over.

  Cat smiled at her. “Thank you, love.”

  “Well, I read the brochure pretty thoroughly and from the sound of it, there’s a lot to do right here, but we also might want to check out the attractions in the surrounding area. I understand there is a giant shopping mall not too far from here,” Jen said.

  “Shopping?” Cat perked up, her travel fatigue suddenly forgotten.

  “Cat, if you do go shopping while you’re here, you might want to check out the cell phone vendors. I’m going to assume my phone is lost forever,” Billie said.

  Cat frowned. “But I gave it back to you after you changed the tire. Don’t you remember?”

  Billie shrugged. “What I remember is having to pick up that huge mess on the ground behind the car and stuff it back inside. If you gave the phone back to me in the middle of all that, God knows what happened to it.”

  “Well, you shouldn’t have thrown everything all over the place.”

  “So my temper gets the best of me sometimes,” Billie said defensively.

  “I remember your setting it on the bumper while we reloaded the car. Maybe you forgot it there?” Cat suggested.

  Billie shook her head. “Anything is possible. My guess is it will be a miracle if we find it.”

  “Why don’t you come shopping with us so you can pick out your own phone?” Cat suggested.

  “Oh groan,” Billie said.

  “Ditto,” echoed Fred.

  Cat stuck her tongue out at the pair. Billie’s eyes widened and, without thinking, she blurted out, “Don’t stick your tongue out at me unless you plan to use it.”

  Jen spat out her mouthful of beer and started choking. Fred laughed as he rubbed her back. “Thanks a lot. I swear, Billie, you make it your mission in life to embarrass the hell out of me,” Jen complained.

  Cat covered her face with her hands, then sneaked a peek at Jen. “Don’t worry, she does it to me too, all the time.”

  “Does what?” Billie asked. “Embarrass you, or put your tongue to good use?”