Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

  “I woke up in Cat and Billie’s tent this morning. How did that happen?” Jen asked.

  “Take a look at our tent, Jen.” Fred pointed to the heap on the ground. “Don’t you remember? It fell down in the middle of the storm last night, and you and Stevie and I had to bunk in with Billie and Cat and Seth.”

  Cat raised her head. “We all slept in the same tent?”

  “That’s right,” Billie said. “Seth and Stevie burned their tent down last night, so it was all six of us, until the girls got scared by thunder and climbed in with us as well. Trust me when I say it was not a great night for sleeping.”

  “The boys burned their tent down! Are they hurt?” Cat asked.

  “No. Luckily we were still up when it happened,” Billie said. “The little shits lit sparklers inside their tent, and it went up in a matter of seconds. Fred and I reached them in time to get them out before they were hurt, but the tent was destroyed, along with their sleeping bags.”

  Cat gaped at Jen. “I… I don’t remember any of it. Do you?”

  Jen shook her head.

  “That’s the last time I touch wine coolers!” Cat proclaimed.

  “At least in that quantity,” Billie qualified.

  Jen suddenly stood up. “Oh my God. I gotta go.” She covered her mouth with her hand.

  “Oh no, you don’t, not in the food tent.” Fred grabbed her arm and led her to the bushes.

  Billie looked at Cat. “Cat?” Cat covered her mouth and nodded. Billie took her arm. “Let’s go.”

  Jen and Cat were bent over the bushes, with Billie and Fred hovering nearby. “Are you guys okay?” Fred called. When the sounds of vomiting came in reply, he backed away. “Okay. We’ll just be over here cleaning up the boys’ tent.”

  Chapter 31: Whipped Pussy

  Billie and Fred spent the morning roping the Swensons’ tent back to the trees, so it could dry out after the previous night’s rain, and so they could sleep in their own quarters that night. While they worked, Cat and Jen laid on the loungers, nursing headaches and upset stomachs. Around noon, the kids returned to the campsite for lunch.

  “What’s for lunch?” Tara called as she and the other girls returned to the campsite.

  Cat rose from her lounger and went over to her daughter. She tucked an errant lock of hair behind Tara’s ear. “What would you like for lunch, sweetie?”

  Tara shrugged. “I don’t know. A sandwich, maybe?”

  “Sounds good to me,” Karissa said.

  “I think I can manage that. Why don’t you three go wash your hands.” Cat turned to Jen. “Are you up for a bite to eat?”

  Jen joined her at the picnic table. “Not especially, but I’ll give you a hand making lunch. Billie, Fred, are you hungry?”

  “Be right there,” Fred replied. “We’ve got just one rope left to secure.” He and Billie stood back and admired their handiwork.

  “What do you think?”

  “I think it looks like the Persistence of Memory,” Billie replied.

  Fred frowned. “The what?”

  “Persistence of Memory. You know—that painting of the melting clocks by Salvador Dali.”

  Fred placed a hand on Billie’s shoulder. “You, my friend, are weird.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you’re weird. Who on earth would ever think that looks like melting clocks?”

  Billie shook her head. “Fred, I didn’t say it looked like melting clocks. What I was implying is that the way the tent sags at the bottom suggests it’s melting, like the clocks in Dali’s painting.”

  Fred crossed his arms and stared at the tent. “I still don’t see it.”

  Cat approached the pair as they contemplated the tent. “Are you two going to eat? Hey, that looks like Persistence of Memory,” Cat said.

  Billie turned to Fred. “I rest my case.” She put her arm around Cat and escorted her toward the picnic table. “I’d love some lunch.”

  Fred looked again at the tent, then at the retreating backs of his friends. “You’re both weird!” he called after them.

  Stevie and Seth returned to the campsite just in time to join their families for lunch. They carried with them a stringer of medium sized trout.

  “Nice catch,” Billie said. “I’ll help you dress them right after lunch.”

  “Count me in. I’ll help as well,” Fred added.

  Seth proudly held up the stringer. “I think there’s enough here for dinner.”

  “I hope I’m feeling better by then,” Jen said. “I’d hate to miss out on fresh trout.”

  “Still not feeling good, huh?” Billie asked.

  “I’m better than I was this morning, so maybe by dinner I’ll be back to normal.”

  Billie nodded at Cat. “How about you?”

  “I’m okay. A slight, lingering headache, but otherwise I’m good.”

  “That’s great, ’cause Fred and I plan to take the kayaks out after we help the boys dress the fish.” Billie smiled.

  “We are? I mean yes, we are.”

  “What are we gonna do?” Tara asked.

  Billie picked up the Happy Trails Campground booklet on the picnic table and leafed through it. “Says here there’s a miniature golf course and roller skating rink on the premises.”

  “Cool! Can we go, Mama?” Tara asked.

  “I wanna go, too,” Skylar said.

  Fred paddled his kayak alongside Billie’s. “I hope we’re not in too much trouble when we get back.”

  “Why would we be in trouble?”

  “Well, we kind of stuck the girls with the kids. I’m not sure that was such a good idea, what with their hangovers and all.”

  “I think it’s good for them. Maybe they’ll think twice about getting shit-faced again.” Billie grinned at Fred. “You’re not pussy-whipped, are you, Fred?”

  “So what if I am? Hell, I only win about five percent of our arguments, so I tend to choose my battles. Most of the time it’s easier to give in and let Jen have her way.”

  “That can’t be very satisfying for you.”

  “Well, if you want to know the truth, she’s usually right. How about you? I mean, who wears the pants in your family?”

  “We both do.”

  ‘Yeah, right.”

  “No, really. I’m not saying I don’t give in and let Cat have her way occasionally, but when I feel strongly about an issue, I stand my ground.”

  “Occasionally, huh?”

  “Yes, occasionally.”

  “You mean, like this camping trip?” Fred teased.

  “That’s not fair. Cat was so excited about this trip I just didn’t have the heart to say no.”

  “I’m willing to bet she used the libido card on you and you caved, just like my tent in the storm last night.”

  Billie grinned. “Busted.” Suddenly distracted by an unusual noise, she scanned their surroundings. “What’s that?”

  “Beats the hell out of me.”

  Billie rested her paddle across the bow of her kayak. “Stop paddling, Fred. I want to isolate where the sound is coming from.”

  Billie listened intently as they glided silently through the water. “Hey! It’s my new cell phone. I didn’t recognize the ring tone.”

  Billie dug the phone out of her pocket. “Hello? … Yes, this is Billie Charland. Yes, my wife purchased it for me. Yes, I said ‘my wife.’ So far, so good. I haven’t really used it much yet. No, I don’t think I have any questions at this point. Okay. Thank you for calling.”

  Billie tapped the touchscreen to end the call.

  “That was a pretty cryptic call. Who was it?”

  “It was the cell phone company asking how I like my new phone and wondering if I had any questions.”

  “How do you like it?”

  “So far, so good. Look. I can get on the Internet, and it has a GPS.” Billie leaned over to show Fred the phone. “Whoa!” she screamed as the cockpit of her kayak began to fill with water. “Lean the other way,” F
red shouted.

  “Too late.” The kayak rolled, dumping Billie, and her new cell phone, into the lake.

  “Billie!” Fred yelled at the hull of Billie’s kayak.

  Billie surfaced a few feet away, as her lifejacket buoyed her above the water. “My phone!” She thrust her hand out of the water in an attempt to keep her brand new cell phone from the depths of the lake.

  While Billie bobbed, holding her phone above her head, Fred paddled over to recover her kayak, which was drifting downstream. He managed to snag the handle on the bow and pull it over to him, then rolled it upright. “There’s no way you’re getting back into this thing without being on dry land,” he said. “Give me your phone, and then swim to shore. I’ll tow your kayak to you.”

  “Good idea,” Billie said.

  Fred set Billie’s phone on the floor of his own kayak and paddled toward shore while Billie swam. Along the way, Billie’s kayak worked loose from the bungee cord Fred had used to secure it to his own boat, and it was heading toward the rapids. Billie stopped to rest, looking back at Fred to see how he was progressing. “Ahhh! Fred, my kayak is loose!”

  Fred snapped around quickly and lunged for Billie’s kayak.

  Billie watched in dismay as his kayak was upended.

  * * *

  Billie and Fred walked along the path toward their campsite, each carrying a lifejacket and wearing soaking wet clothing. Billie’s hair hung in tufts around her shoulders.

  “Cat’s going to kill me,” Billie said.

  “Relax. She’ll be happy you’re okay.” Fred didn’t sound as if he had even convinced himself.

  “No, she’s going to kill me.” They walked in silence for the next few moments. “She’s going to kill me,” Billie said with a sigh.

  “Billie, will you stop saying that? She’s not going to kill you.”

  “You don’t know what she’s like when she’s pissed, Fred.”

  “Cat’s a reasonable person. She’ll understand.”

  “First, we leave them with the kids, and now this. It won’t be pretty.”

  Fred stopped. “I thought you weren’t worried about leaving them with the kids.”

  “I lied.” Billie looked around. “Maybe we can find the road and hitchhike home,” Billie suggested.

  “Now who’s pussy whipped?”

  Chapter 32: Hello Kitty

  When Billie and Fred strolled back into the campsite, Cat looked up from setting the picnic table for dinner. “Well, it’s about time you got—What the f—You’re wet!” Cat said.

  “Soaked is more like it,” Billie replied.

  Jen brought a plate of hamburgers to the table. “Where’re the kayaks?”

  “Uh…” Fred stammered.

  “Actually, Fred and I have to go find them,” Billie said.

  “Find them? What do you mean, ‘find them?’ And why didn’t you answer your phone when I called you?” Cat asked.

  Billie looked at Fred and grimaced. “Well—”

  “Don’t tell me,” Cat said. She paced back and forth while Billie looked on nervously. Finally, she stopped in front of her. “Where’s your phone, Billie?”

  “Um… at the bottom of the lake.”

  “Really? Really, Billie? It was brand new! How could you drop your phone into the lake?”

  “And why are you wet, Fred?” Jen asked.

  “I was towing Billie’s kayak to shore, and it got away from me. When I reached for it, my kayak rolled. That’s kind of when Billie’s phone drowned.”

  “So here you are, your brand new, expensive phone sitting at the bottom of the lake and no kayaks,” Cat repeated.

  “That about sums it up,” Billie agreed.

  “Great, just great!”

  “I’ll ask again,” Jen said. “Where are the kayaks?”

  “They floated downstream into the rapids,” Fred replied.

  “God knows where they are now!” Cat said.

  “That’s exactly why Fred and I need to go look for them while we still have daylight. Come on, Fred,” Billie said.

  Billie and Fred climb into Billie’s car and sat there for a few moments. Finally, Billie got out and approached Cat. “Car keys?” she said.

  “We’re lucky it’s dark,” Billie said.

  ‘Yeah. Maybe they won’t notice the damage so much,’ Fred replied.

  “I’m surprised we found them at all.”

  “It was probably a good thing they went over the rapids without us. As much damage as they sustained, we might have been looking at something much worse than a drowned cell phone,” Fred said.

  “You got that right. We’re here,” Billie said as she pulled the car into the campsite. They could see their wives and children sitting around the campfire, toasting marshmallows.

  “We’re back,” Billie announced.

  “Yeah,” Cat said dryly.

  Jen waved her marshmallow stick at them. “Did you find the kayaks?”

  “Yes, but not the paddles,” Fred answered.

  “There are a few burgers left, but they’re cold,” Cat said.

  “Cold is good,” Billie said in as cheerful a voice as she could muster. “How ’bout you, Fred?”

  “I’m fine with cold. I’m so hungry I’d eat dog poop right now.”

  “Ewww!” the kids said in unison.

  Billie and Fred retreated to the screen tent to devour a quick dinner of cold hamburgers and chips.

  “Shit!” Billie whispered. “We’re in big trouble.”

  “I’ll say,” Fred replied. “It’s colder than a witch’s tit around that campfire.”

  “Well, prepare for another Ice Age when they see the kayaks tomorrow morning.”

  “I don’t think I’ll sleep a wink tonight, just worrying about it,” Fred said.

  Billie shook her head. “You’re right, Fred. We’re whipped.”

  “Who wants another s’more?” Billie asked.

  “I do, Mommy.”

  “Okay, Sky. Why don’t you run over to the screen tent and grab another pack of graham crackers for me.”

  “Mom, can you sing that funny song you do when we have a fire in the backyard?” Seth asked.

  Billie glanced at Cat. “I’m not sure Mama is in the mood for that song.”

  “Aw, come on,” Seth begged.

  “All right.”

  Billie cleared her throat and began to sing. “‘Put another log on the fire. Cook me up some bacon and some beans. Go out to the car and change the tire. Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans. You can fill my pipe, and fetch my slippers, then boil me up another pot of tea. And put another log on the fire, babe, and then come tell me why you’re leaving me.’”

  Billie spared a glance for Cat, who was not smiling.

  Seth grinned. “Sing some more, Mom.”

  “‘Now don’t I let you wash the car on Sunday? Don’t I warn you when you're gettin’ fat? Ain’t I gonna take you fishin’? Well, a girl can’t love a woman more than that. Ain’t I always nice to your kid sister? Don’t I take her driving every night? So, sit here at my feet ’cos I like you when you're sweet, and you know it ain’t feminine to fight.’”

  Fred cringed.

  “‘So, put another log on the fire. Cook me up some bacon and some beans. Go out to the car, pick it up and change the tire. Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans. You can fill my pipe and fetch my slippers, and boil me up another pot of tea. Then put another log on the fire, babe, and then come tell me why you're leaving me.’”

  Seth clapped. “Yay!”

  Billie took a deep breath, hoping she hadn’t just dug her grave deeper. Suddenly she realized Skylar hadn’t yet returned with the graham crackers. She turned toward the screen tent. “Sky–”

  “Hi, pretty kitty,” Skylar said.

  Billie froze. “Sky, honey, don’t touch the kitty. Walk away slowly,” she said in an even tone, which got the attention of everyone else around the campfire.

  “Mom! It’s a skunk!” Seth yelled.
>
  “Skunks aren’t white, idiot,” Tara said to her brother. “They’re black with white stripes.”

  “Well that one is white,” Seth said. “And you’re an idiot, not me.”

  “That’s enough,” Cat warned.

  Everyone sat on the edge of their seats.

  “It’s not a skunk, Mommy,” Skylar said. “It’s a white kitty.”

  “Sweetie, it’s a skunk,” Billie confirmed.

  “But, Mommy…”

  “Cat, Jen, Fred, slowly get the other kids away from the campsite. I’ll grab Skylar,” Billie said evenly.

  Very slowly, the seven occupants around the campfire rose to their feet and tiptoed toward the adjacent site where the cars were parked. Once the rest of the campsite was evacuated, Billie gingerly took a step toward Skylar. “Don’t move, honey.”

  “But, Mommy–”

  “Shh. Please don’t move, Sky.”

  The skunk paced nervously within feet of Skylar as Billie slowly tiptoed closer. Finally Billie was close enough to reach her daughter. The skunk turned around the moment Billie lifted Skylar into her arms. All Billie could do was turn her back on the animal to protect Skylar from the spray, then it ran off into the bushes.

  Cat tore across the campsite and took Skylar from Billie’s arms, then ran back to the other campsite.

  “Oh, gross, Mom!” Tara yelled.

  Seth held his nose. “That’s an understatement.”

  “Oh my God, I’m going to puke,” Jen said.

  Billie took a step toward her family. A chorus of “no” rang out, stopping her in her tracks.

  “Billie, go wash it off,” Cat said.

  Billie obeyed, rinsing her bare legs under the faucet at the edge of their campsite while the rest of her party stayed as far away from her as possible. Try as she might, the intense odor lingered.

  The kids all pulled the necklines of their T-shirts over their noses. “Mama, this is gross,” Tara whined.

  “How do you think I feel?” Billie said.

  “It’ll take hours for this smell to dissipate. How are we going to sleep tonight?” Jen asked.