Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

  “What do you mean?”

  “Where do I begin? Let’s see…” Billie ticked the negative events off on her fingers. “Flat tire on the highway, lecherous waiter, missing tent poles, water snake.” She rose to her feet and began to pace. “Trigger, Horse from Hell, poison ivy, sunburn, killer hornets, bear attack, broken nose, drunken wives, lost cell phones. Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah, how could I forget? Dueling neighbors, a regular Hatfield and McCoy feud between Cat and Jen.” Billie stopped in front of Fred. “Christ, Fred, the only thing that hasn’t tried to ruin this vacation is a rainstorm.”

  No sooner were the words out of Billie’s mouth than a large clap of thunder resounded and lightning tore across the sky.

  “You just had to go and say it, didn’t you?” Fred admonished.

  Billie looked up at the sky and shook a fist in defiance. As she looked back at Fred, her attention was suddenly drawn toward a rapid flickering of light in the boy’s tent. “Fred,” she started.

  “Mom! Help!”

  Smoke began to billow from the screens as the nylon material melted before their eyes.

  “Oh my God! Seth, Stevie!” Billie and Fred ran to the tent and ripped it open, allowing the boys to escape.

  “I’ll get water,” Fred said as Billie checked out the boys.

  After Billie was sure the boys were okay, she grabbed each of them by a shoulder. “What the hell happened?”

  Seth began to cry. “We lit sparklers in the tent, and the tent caught on fire.”

  Fred dumped a bucket of water on the burning tent and went back for more.

  “You did what? What were you thinking!” she barked

  “I’m sorry, Mom.”

  “Me, too,” cried Stevie.

  Billie hugged both boys as Fred dumped a third bucket of water on their tent. “Thank God you’re not hurt. You scared the life out of me. Do you realize what could have happened?”

  Both boys nodded.

  “That should just about do it,” Fred said. “Want to tell me how this happened?”

  “Sparklers,” Billie answered.

  “Holy Jesus!” Fred replied. “You two could have been killed. It could have spread to your sisters’ tent as well.”

  The boys struggled with their tears.

  Fred hugged his son. “Don’t ever do anything like this again, do you hear me? If we ever lost you to something foolish like this, it would kill your mother and me.”

  “I won’t, Dad,” Stevie said.

  “All right. Since your tent is ruined, I guess you’ll have to sleep with us tonight. Go on and crawl in. Your mom and I will join you soon,” Fred said.

  “You too, Seth,” Billie said. “You’ll have to sleep with Mama and me. Go on.”

  Billie watched the boys retreat to their parents’ tents. “How the hell did they get the sparklers?” she asked.

  “They must have stashed a couple while all the kids were playing with them.” Fred shook his head. “I hope they’ve learned something from this.”

  “No doubt. I guess we’d better spread the sleeping bags out and douse them again to be sure they won’t flare up,” Billie suggested.

  Before Billie and Fred could move, large drops of water began

  to fall from the sky.

  “Strike that. I think Mother Nature will take care of it for us,” she said.

  Chapter 29: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

  “Fred, quick, get Jen into your tent. After the girls are inside, I’ll take care of the campfire,” Billie said.

  Billie took Cat’s arm. “Come on, Cat, into the tent with you.”

  “Hey, I’m having a drink with my best girlfriend. I don’t want to go to bed,” Cat protested.

  “No choice. It’s starting to rain.”

  “You too, Jen,” Fred said. “Let’s go.”

  “I know I’m as sweet as sugar, Fred, but I promise I won’t melt,” Jen replied.

  Cat gave Jen a high five. “That’s a good one, Jen. I’ll have to remember that one.”

  “Sugar or not, you’re going to bed.” Fred hoisted Jen into his arms. “I’ll be back in a minute to help with the fire, Billie.”

  “Come on, Cat, party’s over,” Billie said.

  “You’re no fun,” Cat protested as she allowed Billie to lead her to the tent.

  Back at the fire, Fred and Billie worked together to douse the flames. “I can’t believe those two were totally oblivious to the boys’ tent catching fire,” Fred said as he spread the coals.

  “I suspect they’ll be sorry for their night of fun come sunrise,” Billie said. “Once they experience the hangover and memory loss, they’ll think again about doing this.” Just then, the heavens broke open and the deluge began. “See you in the morning, Fred,” Billie shouted as she ran to her tent.

  “Ditto.”

  Billie, Cat, and Seth sat in their tent for long moments, listening to the torrential rains cascading around them. “You realize everything we have is getting soaked out there right now,” Billie said. “The chairs, the beach towels.”

  “I left a bag of chips on the picnic table,” Seth said.

  “Well, it’ll be mushed potatoes by morning,” Cat joked.

  “Did you and Steve hoist the food bags back into the trees, Seth?” Billie asked.

  “Yes.”

  “At least those will be safe from the bears. I just hope the bags don’t fill up with rain.”

  “Billie, did you grab the wine coolers?” Cat asked.

  “You’ve had enough wine coolers, Cat.”

  “What’s that noise?” Seth asked.

  “Noise?” Billie said.

  “Yeah. It sounds like yelling.”

  “I don’t hear anything.”

  “Billie, I want another wine cooler.”

  “Cat, you don’t need another wine cooler. Now please be quiet so I can hear.”

  “There it is again,” Seth said.

  Billie frowned. “Sounds like Fred and Jen arguing. Maybe I should check it out.” She reached forward to unzip the tent and came face to face with a saturated Fred, Jen, and Stevie. Fred was holding Jen up, who was still too intoxicated to stand on her own.

  “Our tent collapsed. The ropes let loose from the trees. Can we come in?” Fred asked.

  “Of course, of course.” Billie made room for her soaking wet guests.

  Jen immediately crawled over and snuggled up against Cat, who was totally oblivious to the woman’s wet state. They immediately fell into spasms of giggles over their predicament. Billie shot a look in their direction and just shook her head.

  “Jen, come over here beside me. That’s Billie’s spot,” Fred said.

  “No. I’m sleeping next to my best friend.”

  “Let them be, Fred. Better they breathe booze breath on each other than on us,” Billie said.

  Stevie and Seth moved as close to the side of the tent as they could to make room for the adults. “This is cool,” Seth said.

  Fred was very apologetic. “I’m really sorry about this.”

  Billie placed a hand on his shoulder. “Relax. Why don’t you get out of those wet things and scoot over here under the covers?

  You too, Jen.”

  “But we’ll be in our underwear,” Fred said.

  “Fred, I love you dearly, but trust me. You have nothing I’m interested in.”

  Soon all four adults were lying side by side in the small tent, with Billie and Cat wedged between Fred and Jen. Seth and Stevie squeezed into the space between Jen and the side of the tent. Just as everyone settled in, a loud clap of thunder ruptured the silence. Within seconds, the zipper opened and all three girls piled in.

  “What the… You girls need to go back to your tent,” Billie said.

  “We’re scared,” they whined, almost in unison.

  “Great. Just great,” Billie mumbled.

  “Why is everyone in this tent?” Tara asked.

  “Our tent burned down,” Stevie said. “It was awesome!”
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br />   Billie looked at Fred. “Your son has a warped sense of humor.”

  “He gets it from his mother.”

  “Mom, can we sleep with you?” Tara wheedled. “The thunder really scares us.”

  Billie looked at the pitiful expressions on the girls’ faces. “All right, all right. You’ll have to squeeze in where you can find room.”

  Within moments, Fred was sleeping and Billie was drifting in that world between sleep and wakefulness, listening to Cat and Jen giggle well into the night.

  Billie was dreaming she was strolling through the woods, the birds chirping in the background, the sound of dry leaves crunching underfoot. She marveled at the beauty of the trees, breathing the smells of the forest deeply into her lungs. In the distance, she could hear a sound—a rumbling, low and growly. A motorcycle? she thought. The sound grew louder and closer. She stood in the midst of the trees, trying to locate the origins of the sound. Suddenly a tree fell beside her, then another, and another. The forest quickly thinned around her until there was one tree left. As the last tree fell, she saw the chainsaw, and it was coming directly for her, growing louder and louder as it approached, the teeth on the chain threatening to tear her from limb to limb. As it closed in on her, she stumbled and fell.

  “Nooooo!” Billie sat bolt upright in the tent and looked around wildly. On one side of her were Cat and Jen, still giggling in a state of alcohol-induced silliness, and on the other was Fred, snoring like there was no tomorrow.

  “Chainsaw,” she said, her heart moving from her throat and back down into her chest. She lay back on the sleeping bag and looked up at the ceiling of the domed tent. Giggles to the left, Texas chainsaw massacre to the right. What did I ever do to deserve this? She covered her face with her hands and released a long sigh. “This is going to be a long night!”

  Chapter 30: Barfing in the Briar

  On the verge of wakefulness the next morning, Billie felt a heaviness on her chest. It was so intense, she had trouble breathing. She also had a headache, and her body felt stiff and sore, so much so, she found it difficult to move her arms and legs. In her half wakened, half sleeping state, she imagined herself gravely ill. After much struggle, she was able to turn her head sideways and open her eyes in search of Cat. It was then she realized that she wasn’t ill at all. In fact, she was trapped in her own bed. Skylar was sleeping on her chest, hence the weight, and Billie was wedged tight between Fred and Cat, to such an extent that she couldn’t move a muscle. To top it all off, the humidity inside the tent, made worse by the early morning sun beating down on them, was suffocating, which enhanced the smell of smoke, alcohol, and body odor. Billie lay immobilized. Why did I agree to this camping trip? Oh yeah, Cat played on my vulnerabilities, that’s it. “Sweetheart, don’t be such a baby,” she says. “You’ll have fun,” she says. Some fun. This has been the worst vacation of my life. It’s almost over, Billie. Just hang in there… for Cat.

  Billie really needed to use the bathroom. The question was how to dislodge herself from the sardine can without waking the other fishies. Little by little, she worked one arm free, and then the other. Next, her legs. With her arms free, she was able to gently push Cat’s leg off her thigh, but her other side, she was literally stuck to Fred’s bare leg. Ewww! Remind me again why I don’t sleep with men! Slowly, painfully, she peeled her skin away from Fred’s hairy leg, bringing back memories of the vinyl seats in her parents’ car in the summertime. She bit her tongue to stifle her groan, but her leg was free, albeit minus a layer of skin. The final segment was to shimmy out from under Skylar. Billie thanked the heavens above that her youngest daughter was a sound sleeper.

  Billie sat up and looked around the tent. There were bodies packed shoulder to shoulder, from one end of the tent to the other, making it impossible for her to retrieve clean clothes and shower gear, so she unzipped the tent, extricated herself from the tangled mass, then stepped out into the fresh morning air.

  The campsite was a total disaster zone. Fred and Jen’s tent was leveled, Seth and Stevie’s tent was a pile of melted nylon, and the girls had left their tent unzipped when they left it in the middle of the night, so everything inside was undoubtedly soaked. There were wine cooler bottles scattered on the ground; the potato chip bag left on the table the previous evening had been picked up by the wind and its contents were scatted all over the site; the beach towels that were hung on the line to dry the night before were now sitting in the mud below the line; and critters had apparently invaded the trash can and strewn its contents everywhere. “Holy shit! This site looks like a bunch of cavemen live here,” Billie said. “But the cleanup will have to wait until I get back from the bathroom.”

  When Billie returned from the bathroom, Fred was up and busy cleaning the campsite. “Looks like a tornado came through here last night,” he said when he saw her.

  Billie put her hands on her hips. “Fred, answer me honestly. Are you having fun?”

  Fred grinned. “Actually, yes. Stuff like this is all a part of camping. I have to admit, we’ve had a little more bad luck than normal on this trip, but I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed it.”

  “Bad luck? Is that what you call it? I, for one, think it’s the Furies.”

  “Furies?”

  “They’re characters from Greco-Roman mythology, three sisters named Alecto, Tisiphone, and Megaera. They were the goddesses of vengeance and known to torment their victims psychologically.”

  “You might be onto something there, but regardless, it wouldn’t be a real camping trip without a few mishaps,” Fred said.

  “I guess I just wasn’t cut out for roughing it.”

  “You’ll look back on this someday and laugh,” Fred said. “At least you’ll have some stories to tell.”

  “You got that right!” Billie retrieved a trash bag from the screen tent and began picking up the debris around the campsite.

  Fred took the bag from her. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll pick up the trash if you set up the coffee pot. I think our wives are going to need a good strong cup when they finally roll out of bed.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. Besides, I kind of need a cup myself.”

  “Deal.”

  Signs of life emanated from the tent by the time the coffee finished brewing. All five of the kids apparently woke at the same time, as they appeared one by one and made their way to the bathhouse, ultimately returning to the picnic table where Billie served them cereal and juice for breakfast.

  “That was fun with all of us sleeping in one tent last night,” Skylar said.

  “Speak for yourself, little one. I hardly had any room to sleep,” Billie said.

  Tara said matter-of-factly, “Uncle Fred, you snore really loud.”

  “Sorry about that.”

  “Mom and Aunt Cat were really funny last night,” Stevie said.

  “I’ve never seen my mom drunk before,” Seth observed. “It was kind of weird.”

  Stevie nodded. “I know. My mom was just as bad.”

  Billie and Fred exchanged glances over the kids’ heads. “I suspect neither of them will feel very good this morning, so it might be a good idea if you guys keep the noise down until they feel better,” Billie suggested.

  “Maybe we can go to the park,” Tara said. “Karissa and I will take Sky with us.”

  Seth shook his head. “I’d rather go fishing.”

  “Me, too,” Stevie agreed.

  “That sounds good. Boys, I’d rather you fish in the stream instead of the lake. Maybe you can bring home some trout for dinner,” Billie said. “Girls, you can go to the park without an adult if you go to the one just across the road there, so we can keep an eye on you from here.”

  “Aw, Mom. We’re not babies, you know,” Tara complained.

  “I agree. It’s not about you being babies, it’s about making me feel better. Okay?”

  “Okay.” Tara put out a hand to her sister. “Come on, Sky.”

  A short time later, Fred
and Billie were cleaning up the last of the storm damage on the campsite. They were just beginning to disassemble the boys’ tent when Cat and Jen emerged.

  Cat climbed out of the tent holding her head. “Kill me, please,” she whimpered.

  “Me first,” Jen said from behind her.

  Both women stopped short when they realized what their spouses were doing. “What happened to the boys’ tent?” Cat asked. “Was it struck by lightning?”

  Billie took Cat’s and Jen’s hands and led them to the picnic table inside the screen tent. Fred ran ahead of them and poured two cups of coffee. “Sit,” Billie said.

  Cat sat, propped her elbows on the table, then cradled her head in her hands. Jen sat, crossed her arms on the table, and laid her forehead on them. Neither one touched her coffee.

  “What do you remember from last night?” Billie asked.

  “What part of last night?” Jen moaned.

  “Any part of it.”

  “Umm.” Cat couldn’t come up with anything on such short notice.

  “Do you remember singing?” Fred asked.

  “Singing?”

  “Yeah, Elmer Fudd,” Billie supplied.

  Cat crossed her arms and lowered her head onto them. “Oh my God. Please tell me I didn’t do that.”

  “You did it, all right.”

  “How much did we drink?” Jen asked.

  Fred pointed to the line of bottles artfully arranged on the picnic table near the fire ring. “You can count them yourself, but there’s at least sixteen bottles there.”

  “Holy Mother of God! No wonder I feel like shit,” Cat said.

  Jen sighed. “Did we do anything to embarrass ourselves, other than the singing, that is?”

  “Well, you accused me of making out with Fred,” Billie said.

  “I what?” Jen looked up at her husband. “Oh my God, Fred. How did you get the black eyes?”

  “Billie punched me for making out with her.” Jen’s mouth dropped open, and he quickly said, “Just kidding. Billie and I took the kids to the park while you were shopping for groceries. I was injured in a lively game of croquet.”