Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

  Billie looked around. “Okay. I guess we can go into town for breakfast.”

  “Sounds good. Let’s take two cars so Jen and I can hit the grocery store on the way back. I’m afraid the bear demolished our supplies,” Cat said.

  Fred looked at Billie. “I guess that means we’re on babysitting duty.”

  “Yep, that’s what it means,” she replied.

  Jen headed for their tent. “Okay, then, let’s get this show on the road.”

  They had only a couple of days left before their camping trip was over, so shopping didn’t take nearly as long or fill as much space in the car as when they set out almost two weeks earlier. The ladies arrived back at the campsite and stowed away their food. This time they were sure to store it well out of the reach of critters, in plastic bags hung high in the trees.

  Cat looked around the abandoned campsite. “I wonder where everyone is?” she said.

  “Probably at the park or the beach,” Jen guessed.

  “Maybe we should go find them.”

  “Are you nuts? We actually have free time to ourselves for a change. Let’s enjoy it, girlfriend.”

  Cat placed her hands on her hips, a look of wonder on her face. “You’re right! What was I thinking? Okay, what do you want to do?”

  Jen walked over to the ice chest and extracted two Wild Berry wine coolers. She handed one to Cat, then unscrewed the cap on hers and sat down in one of the reclining lawn chairs. “I, for one, am planning to relax, read, sleep, and enjoy a refreshing cooler on a hot summer day, not necessarily in that order.”

  Cat took the hint and quickly retrieved a book from her tent, then pulled her own lawn chair beside Jen. “Cheers,” she said as they clinked bottles.

  The next several hours were spent as Jen predicted—drinking wine coolers, reading, drinking wine coolers, talking, drinking wine coolers, singing, drinking wine coolers, giggling... all in that order. By the time the rest of the family returned to the campsite, there were eight empty wine cooler bottles on the ground under the lawn chairs, and two very relaxed, giggly ladies sprawled on the chairs.

  The boys were the first ones to arrive at the site just before sunset. “I won!” Seth said as he tagged the picnic table before Stevie.

  “No fair. You had a head start,” Stevie whined.

  “You’re both whiners… I mean winners,” Jen said as she saluted them with a wine cooler.

  The boys turned to look at her. “Mom?” Stevie said. “Are you drunk?”

  Cat leaned forward and squeezed her thumb and forefinger together. “Maybe a tiny bit.”

  The boys took one look at each other and ran back in the direction they had come. Cat and Jen burst out laughing.

  Within minutes, Billie and Fred arrived. Billie stood at the foot of the lawn chairs, hands on her hips, and looked down at the two women. “Just what do you two think you’re up to?” she asked.

  Cat looked up at Billie. “What’re we up to? Well, I’m about five foot-four. What about you, Jen?” she asked, a shit-eating grin on her face.

  Jen looked up, as though trying to see the top of her own head. “I don’t know, probably five-six. What about you, Oh Incredibly Sexy Tall One? What’re you up to?”

  Jen and Cat broke into peals of laughter at Jen’s remark.

  Billie tried to hide the grin threatening to break out on her own face. Shaking her head, she walked away from the ladies and back to Fred.

  “They’re shit-faced! Looks like you and I get to cook supper tonight.”

  A chorus of groans rose from the children at the mention of Billie and Fred cooking.

  “Mom, is that a good idea?” Seth asked. “The last time you cooked, I was able to use the hamburgers for hockey pucks.”

  “Your cooking tastes like doodoo,” Skylar whined.

  Billie’s eyes narrowed at her daughter’s choice of words. “Thanks so much for the compliments, kids,” she answered. “Well, Fred, how are you at cooking?”

  “No,” Stevie and Karissa chorused in panicked voices.

  “Guess that answers that question.” Billie ran her hand through her dark locks. “Okay, boys,” she said to Seth and Stevie, “rummage through the food supplies and find something I can’t possibly screw up, okay?”

  While the boys sorted through the groceries Cat and Jen had picked up that day, Billie pulled Fred closer to the campfire where she could see the bandage on his face more clearly. She pulled the bandage from Fred’s nose. “You took a nasty hit.” After replacing the bandage, Billie turned to re-pack the medical supplies, and noticed that their spouses had full bottles of wine cooler in their hands. “Now where the hell did you get those?” she said, exasperated.

  Cat and Jen grinned at Billie and tried very hard to look innocent while they swayed back and forth in their chairs, just barely able to keep their balance. “From the cooler, while you were making out with my husband,” Jen answered, raising her bottle in Fred’s general direction.

  “Making out? Jen, I wasn’t... Oh hell, Fred, come here.” She beckoned to him. When he didn’t move fast enough, she grabbed his arm and pulled him over to put him on display in front of Jen and Cat.

  Jen shrieked when she saw the bandage on her husband’s nose. She sat up quickly and nearly fell off her chair. “Oh my God, Fred! What happened?”

  “Croquet,” he said.

  “Crow kit?” Cat repeated. “What the hell is that?” She belched loudly. “Ooops! Sorry.” She covered her mouth, cheeks glowing red in drunken embarrassment before she and Jen fell into a fit of laughter.

  “No, croquet. We were playing croquet, and the big guy here hit me right in the nose with her ball,” Fred explained, pointing to Billie, who was standing nearby looking guilty.

  It was Cat’s turn to sit up quickly, only she wasn’t as graceful as Jen, and succeeded in falling flat on her face on the ground next to the lawn chair. Miraculously, she managed to keep the wine cooler from spilling when she fell.

  Billie shook her head and helped Cat back into the chair. “I think you’ve had enough wine, Cat,” she said, reaching for the cooler in Cat’s hand.

  “Nooooo!” Cat pulled her drink in close and held on to it tightly. “Mine!” she insisted.

  “Okay,” Billie said. “It's your head.”

  “Speaking of heads, what did you do to my husband?” Jen asked, and then took another long drink from her wine cooler. Billie sat Cat more securely on the lawn chair, then turned to Jen. “Like he said, we were playing croquet. I hit his ball, so I had the right to send it flying. It’s not my fault that he was standing in the line of fire,” Billie protested. “We rushed him to the clinic for treatment. He has a broken nose, and will sport very attractive raccoon eyes for a couple of weeks,” she added.

  “And I’m having trouble breathing,” Fred wheezed.

  Further discussion on Fred’s mishap was interrupted by Stevie and Seth, who proudly dropped their selected food onto the picnic table.

  Billie turned to the boys. “Did you find something edible?”

  They stepped aside and revealed their idea of a good supper. There on the table were cookies, chips, pretzels, cold cereal, cold hot dogs, and several cans of soda.

  The commotion at the picnic table drew the girls away from their dolls. They approached the table and saw the snack food lying there. “Is this for supper?” Tara asked hopefully.

  “Yep,” Seth said with pride. The three girls cheered and jumped up and down, Skylar clapping her hands gleefully.

  “Whoa, wait a minute. I didn’t say this was for supper,” Billie interrupted.

  The cheers immediately died down, followed by exclamations of “Aw, Mom!”

  Billie looked at Fred, and then back at the snack food on the table. Suddenly realizing she didn't have to cook any of it, she said, “Aw, what the heck, eat up.”

  All five children jumped for joy as they dove into the goody pile and quickly devoured everything on the table.

  Chapter 28: Come On, Baby, L
ight My Fire

  “What are we going to do with them?” Fred asked.

  Billie looked over her shoulder at Cat and Jen, who had each just opened another wine cooler. “I say, let ’em go. Their hangovers tomorrow morning will pretty much prevent this from happening again. Besides, they’re kind of funny.”

  “You’re right, but I could do without the singing.”

  Billie turned from tending the campfire to look at Jen and Cat, who were gyrating wildly on their lounge chairs.

  “‘I feel the earth move under my feet,’” they sang in melodious disharmony while chair dancing.

  “We’ll have to shut them off soon, you know. Otherwise, we’ll get kicked out of here for violating the late-night noise ordinance,”

  Fred said.

  Billie looked at her watch. “It’s only 8:30 pm. If we’re lucky, they’ll either pass out or run out of coolers soon,” Billie replied.

  “It would have been nice to at least get some dinner into them to soak up the alcohol.”

  Billie chuckled and placed her hand on Fred’s shoulder. “Fred, if you had a choice between wine coolers and our cooking, which would you choose?”

  “You’ve got a point there. I’m just worried they’ll be sick.”

  “They probably will. Serves them right if they are.” Billie turned her attention back to the campfire. “This looks like it’s just about ready for s’mores.”

  Moments later, the kids were all holding long sticks with fluffy marshmallows over the fire, while Fred and Billie helped Cat and Jen move their chairs closer. No sooner had their butts hit the seats than they began singing again.

  “‘Come on, baby, light my fire,’” Cat sang badly.

  “‘Try to set the night on fire!’” Jen screamed, holding her wine cooler and her right leg high in the air.

  The kids looked at them and rolled their eyes.

  Cat straddled the lounge chair, her feet on the ground on either side. She held her wine cooler high and leaned forward. “Oh, I got one for you.”

  “Sing it, girlfriend,” Jen squealed.

  “You hafta use yer ’magination. Pretend I’m Elmer… ah, Elmer… Damn, I forgot his name.”

  “Who you talking about?” Jen asked.

  Cat swayed side to side. “You know, the guy on Bugs Bunny.”

  “Oh, I know who you mean. The wascally wabbit guy,” Jen said.

  “That’s him.” Cat thrust her wine cooler in Jen’s direction, spilling some of the contents. “What’s his name?”

  Jen thought for a moment. “Elmer Fox.”

  “It’s Elmer Fudd, Mama,” Skylar said.

  “Thank you, baby girl. Isn’t she smart?” Cat said with pride.

  Jen nodded. “Very smart.”

  “So where was I? Oh yeah – you have to use yer ’magination an’ pretend I’m Elmer Fudd.”

  Billie looked at Fred. “Brace yourself, Fred. I’ve seen her do this sober, and it isn’t pretty.”

  Cat sat up tall on her lounger and held her wine cooler out in front of her. “I dwivin’ in my caa, I tuhn on the wadio,” she sang, her voice slurred. “You move a wittle cwoooooseh, I just say no.”

  All eyes at the campsite were on Cat. The kids began to giggle.

  “You say you don’t wiiiiiike it. I say you’weh a wiiiiiar. When we kiss… oooooo, fiiiiweh.”

  Jen threw herself back in her lounger in a fit of laughter, which caused the foot of the chair to rise in super slow motion until she was flat on her back with the foot section of the lounger folded on top of her.

  Cat, Billie, and the kids roared with laughter while Fred ran to Jen’s aid. “Jen, are you all right?” he asked.

  “I’m fine, just don’t spill my wine,” Jen said. “Hey, that rhymes.”

  “Mom, can we do the sparklers?” Seth asked.

  “Yay, sparklers!” Tara chimed in. “Can we, Mom?”

  “Sure. I’ll get them.” Billie returned moments later and handed out sparklers to the kids. “Now be sure to hold them away from yourself so you don’t get burned,” she said as she and Fred lit each one.

  Seth and Stevie immediately pretended they were swords and began fencing with them.

  “Hey, you two, be careful not to hit each other with those, they’re hot,” Fred warned.

  “I wanna do it too,” Cat said

  Jen nodded vigorously, her head bobbing. “Me too.”

  Billie and Fred simultaneously turned and said, “No!”

  For the next hour, the adults watched the kids make circles and draw their names in the air with the sparklers.

  “Okay, rug rats, time to hit the sheets,” Billie said when the last sparkler had burned out.

  Billie put the girls to bed, while the boys quickly retreated to their own tent. While Fred cleaned the campsite of spent sparklers, Cat and Jen each opened another wine cooler. He stopped in front of them. “Haven’t you two had enough?”

  “Chill, Freddie-boy. We’re on vacation,” Jen said.

  Fred shook his head and settled into his chair by the fire. Moments later, Billie joined him. “Are the girls all tucked in?” he asked.

  “Yes. Of course, they’ll talk for the next hour or so before falling asleep.”

  “Of course. The boys beat feet awfully quickly to bed.”

  Billie glanced at the boy’s tent, its interior lit by a flashlight. “They’ll settle down soon.”

  Fred glanced at Cat and Jen, sitting side by side in lawn chairs by the fire, leaning against each other and holding half empty bottles of wine coolers in their hands. They were giggling almost uncontrollably between sips of wine. “They’ll sleep well tonight,” he said.

  “Well, they’d better, because they’ll be in a lot of pain tomorrow when the hangovers set in.” Billie threw another log in the fire ring before settling down comfortably in her chair.

  Fred stared at the fire for several minutes in a lengthening silence, until at last Billie said,

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “You don’t look fine. You look like you’ve lost your best friend.” When Fred shrugged, she persisted. “Okay, spill it. What’s going through your mind?”

  “I’m worried about Jen.”

  Billie glanced at their wives. “Like I said, they’ll be sorry in the morning.”

  “No. I mean, I’m worried about Jen and me,” Fred said.

  Billie frowned. “Really? Things seem fine between you two, at least in front of Cat and me.”

  “It’s not something I can put my finger on. I… Hell, I sometimes wonder if she’d rather be with a woman.”

  Billie sat back in her chair. “Really? What makes you think that?”

  “Well, look at her and Cat. There are no inhibitions between them.”

  “That’s because they’re drunk off their asses,” Billie said.

  “That’s not it. She really loves Cat. She loves both of you. I’ve never seen her behave this way with anyone else.”

  “Well, we love her too, Fred. And she may love Cat and me, but she is in love with you.”

  “I want to believe that.”

  “Has she said anything to you?”

  “Well, after she and Cat came back from the spa, she asked me if I would try to be a little more sensitive with her. I’m not sure what she meant by that.”

  “I think I might know.” Billie leaned forward and put her hand on Fred’s arm. “What she needs is for you to be more in touch with how she’s feeling. You know – ask her how her day went when you come home from work, ask her opinion about things, pay her compliments. That’s one of the benefits of being in a same-sex relationship. We connect on the same level emotionally.”

  “So I’ve got to be less like a guy and grow some ovaries?”

  Billie smiled. “Something like that.”

  “Well, I’d appreciate a nudge now and then, if you don’t mind.”

  “Gladly.” Billie picked up a long stick and poked at the fire. “So, can I a
sk you a question?”

  “Ask me anything.”

  “Do I seem different to you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Cat says I’m different than I was before the surgery.”

  “Do you feel any different?”

  “Kind of. I don’t feel as confident as I used to. In fact, sometimes I get this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, like something catastrophic is about to happen.”

  “Well, you’ve been through a lot in the past year.”

  “She also says I seem angrier.”

  “I can honestly say I haven’t seen that side of you.”

  “Well, I have. I’ve caught myself being impatient with her for no reason at all. I don’t understand it, but sometimes I almost feel like I’m baiting her on purpose, maybe to see what she’ll do.”

  “Do you feel like you need to test her? Cat is as loyal as the day is long.”

  “That’s just it. I don’t know why I do it. It would kill me to lose her, so I totally don’t get why I try to push her away sometimes. Hell, when I thought she was having an affair with Jen, I wanted to die.”

  “You thought she was having an affair with Jen! When did that happen?”

  “When I was still in the hospital and my memory hadn’t returned yet. Cat was my lifeline, and every day Jen would come in, and they would hug and hold hands. I have to admit I was really jealous.”

  “Jen is that way with both of you all the time. Like I said earlier, she loves you both very much.”

  “I know that now, but at the time, it really bothered me. My point is, I know what it feels like to be jealous and to worry about losing Cat, so I don’t understand why I sometimes intentionally needle her.”

  “Maybe you should discuss it with your doc when you get home.”

  Billie nodded. “That’s just what I plan to do. Thanks for listening. I feel better about it already. At least something good will come out of this trip.”

  Fred stared at the fire. “You know,” he said, “this really hasn't been such a bad vacation.”

  Billie looked at him like he had grown another head. “Well, I guess that depends on what you call bad,” she commented dryly.