Fortitude (Heart of Stone)

by D H Sidebottom

  My knees buckled and I grabbed hold of the chair.

  Shit. Shit. Fuck.

  “She saw us kissing?” I asked as I grabbed hold of his wrist a little too firmly. He narrowed his eyes on me.

  “Yeah, like I said, she said to leave you both to it and I put her in a taxi. She was a little far gone.”

  “Fuck!”

  “Are you okay?” Carrie asked when she saw me pale.

  “No,” I shook my head frantically and grabbed her arms. “Where is she?”

  “Hey,” the tall guy cut in. “Chill the fuck out mate.”

  I turned to him slowly, realisation just hitting me. “And what were you doing with her?”

  “With who?” he asked as he shook his head in bewilderment.

  “My fucking wife, arsehole.”

  “Whoa.” He held up his hands and shook his head again. “I didn’t know she was your wife, I didn’t even know she was married.”

  “You’re married?” Carrie asked as her eyes widened.

  “Yes,” I nodded then shook my head. “Well, no…”

  “Listen,” Tall guy said. “For one, I didn’t do anything with her. I just helped her to the toilet. And for two, no wonder she freaked out, she watched you kissing her fucking friend. In my book, that’s pretty low.”

  “I didn’t know she was her mate.” I defended as I turned to Carrie and glared at her.

  “Don’t look at me either. I didn’t know you were her husband.”

  It was all such a fucking mess. “Do you know where she is?” I asked as I dropped her arms from my grip.

  “Yes,” she nodded. “But I don’t think she wants to see you. She told me she was done with you.”

  Her words cut deep, even more painful than when Ava had said them. Women always confided in their friends and told them the truth. And I had honestly thought Ava was just protecting me, but that she still loved me. If she had told her friend she didn’t want me, then it must be true.

  But I still needed to see her. Just once more, just to give my heart that little jolt it had missed so much. Just to give my soul a moment’s peace.

  “Please, I just want to talk to her. You know, chat over coffee and catch up.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Tall guy said.

  I spun round and grabbed his throat, “I don’t give a fuck what you think’s a good idea or not. She’s mine, remember that.”

  “Hey, calm down.” Carrie took hold of my hand and turned me to face her. “If you don’t calm down, I won’t be taking you anywhere.”

  I dropped my hand and managed a sorry, just for face value, I’d have loved to beat the shit out of him for even looking at Ava, but that wouldn’t be a good idea in the middle of the club.

  “There is no way you are going to see her like that,” he defended as he rubbed at his neck. “She could barely stand.”

  Carrie sighed and closed her eyes. “Mason.” I turned to her when I caught her worried tone. “She isn’t the Ava you know anymore. She has been through so much that it has stripped her complete identity.”

  Her honesty stabbed me, the thought of what my little warrior had gone through alone hurt more than I could stomach. “Please,” I begged once more. “She cut me off so bluntly that I didn’t even get chance to say goodbye. I just need to see her. Please.”

  “Right, okay.” She conceded and gave a shrug. “On your head be it.”

  “No way are you going there alone. I’ll come with you,” Tall guy insisted.

  I spun round to glare at him. “What the fuck does it have to do with you?”

  He stepped into me, his eyes firing furiously. I realised he was tougher than I originally thought, I had just caught him by surprise. And the way he had relaxed in my hold should have told me he was a professional fighter, but I had been too riled up to notice it. I would never admit it, but I respected him more for knowing that he was willing to stick up for Ava, even if he hardly knew her.

  “I picked up your wife. I also frequently pick up my nine year old little girl, and let me tell you, my daughter weighs more than your wife. I could feel every single one of her ribs through her dress. I could also feel the pain radiating from her. She is in no position to fight you off if needs be.” He glared at me resolutely. “I come with you or I’ll make sure you don’t leave this building walking.”

  I smirked at him. “You want a job?”

  He blinked at me in shock. “What the…”

  I stuck out my hand to him. “Mason Fox.”

  His eyes widened and he stepped back. “Fuck! I just pulled Mason Fox’s wife’s knickers down in the toil….”

  He went down faster than I thought he would but he laughed and got back up without even wincing before he stuck out his hand in return. “I closed my eyes.” I shrugged, pacified by his honesty and apology. “Toby Kirkland. And I’m open to offers Mr Fox.”

  “We’ll talk on the way. I need to see my wife.”

  “Lead the way!” We both said to Carrie.

  She rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Okay. Come on, but I’m warning both of you, I don’t care how fucking hard you are, you upset Ava then you’ll get to see my bad side.”

  I lifted a brow and smiled at her. “Job offers open to you too.”

  She laughed and shook her head. “I’m fine just nursing your wife at the moment.”

  I winced at the thought of Ava being cared for. She would hate that. Losing her independence was the last thing she would ever cope with. I just wished she’d have let me be the one to care for her.

  “Come on, we’re wasting time. My eyes are eager to see her.”

  “Mason,” Carrie said softly as she stopped me with a firm grip. “You must remember what I said, Ava isn’t the Ava you know now.”

  “I don’t care, Carrie. She’ll always be my Ava, whatever she looks like, whether her breasts and hair have gone, she still owns me, all of me.”

  She nodded. “Then don’t hurt her with looks, because believe me I’ve worked with a lot of cancer victims and the first thing she will look for is your initial reaction to her looks. And I told you, you hurt her and I will watch you beg on your knees as I hurt you.”

  I grinned at her, “Fuck, you’re a pitbull.”

  She laughed as she walked towards the doors, “Nah, I’m a viper and my bite will kill.”

  “Fair do’s” I acknowledged. “You must have something to put up with Ava’s poorly side for so long.”

  “Yeah,” she laughed. “You know her alright.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Denial

  Ava

  I wasn’t sure if I was angry or hurt. All I could picture was Mason’s eyes, closed as his mouth devoured my friend, the lips that had once worshipped me, that once only touched me, on hers and now giving her pleasure as I knew his perfect kisses did.

  I had sobered up pretty quickly since then, shock had a strange way of doing that.

  I pulled out the flour and eggs and cursed when the bag of sugar split, trailing a line of white grains across the floor.

  I stared at it and wondered if it was too late to get high. I didn’t do it often, just the occasional line when I was down. I hated myself for it. After everything Mason had put me through with the stuff, I now had grown to rely on it for comfort – for the oblivion it provided.

  I stared through the window and gripped the edge of my vest, pulling it away from my chest when it itched my scars. The tree at the far end of the garden swayed in the late night summer breeze. It suddenly seemed to mesmerise me, the long branches reaching across the garden for the delicate buds that had just bloomed on the edge of the garden as they appeared to gobble them up.

  My mind was too active and I grit my teeth before I ran up the stairs and pulled out my knicker drawer, snatching the small plastic bag that was taped to the underside of it.

  Within seconds I had a white line shooting up my right nostril through the thin tube and I sat back on my heels as I waited for the calm to roll o
ver me.

  It didn’t take long and a deep sigh echoed around the room when everything seemed lighter, less of a drag pulling at me and weighing me down as tranquillity spread through my veins and then up into my brain.

  I placed everything back, making sure to secure the bag properly before I went back down, kicked up the tunes and started the formula for apple danishes.

  Within an hour, I was slurping hot coffee, nibbling on warm pastry and singing along to Theory of a Deadman’s, Hate my life.

  I stared at my phone when it rang again. Toby had been ringing for the last thirty minutes but I had ignored each one. I couldn’t be dealing with him yet, I wasn’t even sure how I felt about him now that I had sobered. I couldn’t pass off the shame I felt at letting him take me to the loo.

  I was angry for once more relying on someone else to help me. I hated it. I knew it was time to move out of Carrie’s now I was strong enough. I needed the comfort of my cottage now.

  It had been Carrie’s idea for me to move in with her whilst she cared for me when I couldn’t rest with Mason’s attempts to contact me. He had always had the knack of banging on my door when Carrie wasn’t there, leaving me to call Nate time after time to come and fetch him from my doorstep when I had refused to even open the door to him.

  I placed my cup in the sink then closed my eyes when I heard the front door open. I didn’t know how to look at her, knowing all I would see was her face attached to my husband’s. I knew it wasn’t her fault, she had no idea who he was, but it still hurt. The thought that Mason desired my friend was the most painful thing ever, especially knowing that my body would now repulse him. Something he had once idolised and revered would now sicken and nauseate.

  “Ava?” Carrie shouted.

  I blew out a breath to steady myself before I turned.

  The room swam and my heart crushed against my ribs when I realised she’d brought Mason home to have sex.

  Oh dear god.

  I spun back round quickly, my fingers clawing at the worktop as a pain ripped through my stomach and up into my chest.

  I needed to hide from him.

  I needed to run.

  I moved across the kitchen quickly and yanked open the back door. The warm night air hit my face when three little words froze every single muscle in my body and battered my soul.

  “Oh - dear - God,” Mason gasped in shock.

  Everything crumbled around me when I caught the disgust and shock in his voice. I covered my baldness with my hands and brought my elbows in front of my chest.

  “Get him out of here!” I cried, not daring to turn and see the horror as well as hear it. “Please.”

  “You fucking…” I heard Carrie sigh.

  “Ava…”

  I shook my head and ran.

  ***

  I wrapped my arms around myself and shivered as I dropped onto the park bench. My tears refused to stop.

  ‘Oh – dear – God’

  ‘Oh – dear – God’

  I turned and hung over the arm rest of the bench and vomited onto the floor.

  “Got anything?” A male voice slurred and I turned to find some pathetic random teenager staring at me threateningly. He chuckled when he noticed my lack of hair. “Love the look, babe. You ill?”

  “Not ill enough for you to try anything.”

  He smirked at me, “Now see, little woman. I’ll ask once more and then I won’t be so nice about it, you got anything?”

  I sighed as the bubble popped in the pit of my stomach then I smiled. I hadn’t felt it for so long, the rage, the fury and to be honest it was exactly what I needed right then. I studied the scrote. He was around 5’ 8”, scrawny and pale, obviously a junkie. He wasn’t anything I should worry about, even in my weakened state.

  I smiled at him. He didn’t smile back as he reached for me. He definitely didn’t smile when he found his face pinned to the bench, his arm snapped behind his back and my knee in the base of his spine immobilising him. “Now I’ll ask you, you got anything?”

  “Shit,” he hissed. “Get the fuck off me you mad bitch.”

  I rummaged through his pockets with my spare hand and found a small bag of snow. Perfect.

  I threw him onto the floor and rammed my foot into his face. It suddenly seemed so easy and I was on him within seconds, my wrath taking over after so long dormant. My fists were furious on him, my bare feet snapping each of his ribs and bruising internally as I let rip and drained the heartache along with the hatred.

  Arms circled me and dragged me off. “Shit!” A voice hissed and I stilled.

  “Steed?”

  “What the fuck Ava?”

  I blinked then looked at the teenager. He was unconscious, blood pouring from him, his body broken and his face smashed. “Oh my God. What have I done?”

  “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Steed soothed when I started to panic. “Shush, shush, we’ll deal with it, but first I have to phone Mase, he needs to know I’ve found you.”

  I don’t want to see him.” I shook my head frantically at Steed. “No, I can’t. I…”

  “It’s okay,” he said gently as he palmed my face gently with both of his hands. “Calm down. He just wants to know I’ve found you. Everyone’s out looking for you.”

  I nodded before I turned and stared at the boy. He was barely eighteen.

  Oh Jesus.

  “I’ve found her.” Steed spoke into his phone. “No, she’s fine but I need a clean-up.”

  I winced at the words, reality at what I had done kicking in. “No, no, she’s fine but some… young knob got the shock of his life by the look of it. You’ll also need to get Kade onto the park CCTV.”

  Nodding his head, he ended the call then took my arm and steered me to the bench, turning my back on the boy so I wouldn’t have to look at him. “Are you okay?” he asked as he studied my body. His eyes swept over me and I frowned with surprise when I realised he’d seen my head and not even bat an eyelash at it.

  “I’m fine.” I told him.

  He sighed and smiled sadly at me. “I take it you didn’t like him?” he asked as he tilted his head to my victim.

  “He… he…”

  Steed took hold of both my hands, “Ava. It’s okay.” He frowned then uncurled my fingers and looked down. I bit into my lower lip when he discovered the bag of coke in my grip. I hadn’t even realised I still had hold of it.

  “Umm…”

  “Ah Christ.”

  He snatched it from me as heavy footsteps approached. Greg and Sam stood smiling at me.

  “Hey you,” Greg smiled widely and pulled me into his arms immediately. He felt soft and reassuring and I realised just how much I had missed them all. “I missed you,” he whispered into my ear.

  “And you,” I told him.

  He smiled as Sam took hold of me and embraced me, “I see you’re still causing trouble, girl.” He winked and I sighed.

  “I’m so sorry, I…” He shook his head and went to crouch beside the boy, checking for any signs of life.

  “He’s okay, pulse is strong.” He smiled at me then turned to Steed. “Take her home while we sort this out.”

  He nodded then led me back to the car. “I want to go to the cottage.” I told him when he pulled off.

  He narrowed his eyes on me, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  “I don’t care what you think, Steed. I want to go home. I want my own bath, my own house and my own bed. I want to go home.”

  “Okay,” he conceded with a heavy sigh. “But you can bet your husband isn’t going to be best pleased.”

  “He isn’t my damn husband anymore, he proved that tonight.”

  He turned to me with a perplexed expression, “Eh?”

  “He was all over my friend. He has obviously moved on.”

  He nodded slowly, his eyebrows twitching with my disclosure. “And you?”

  “Me?”

  “Have you moved on?”

  I paused before finding the courage
I needed. “Yes.”

  He sucked air through his teeth as he pulled up outside my cottage. “See, I’m not sure you have.” He said when he flung the bag of coke at me. “Not if you need to eradicate all thoughts with this shit.”

  “Fuck you, you self-righteous bastard!” I spat as I yanked open the car door and stormed up the path. I lifted the plant pot on the porch and took the key from the underside and let myself in.

  My back hit the wall, the air rushing from my lungs in a single swoop as Steed’s mouth crushed mine. His lips dominated me, forcing me to kiss him back with as much fury. His arms slid around my back, pulling me into him as he hardened the kiss and dragged a moan from me. I hadn’t felt this alive in months, arousal lit my body up and I shivered at the intensity of it as my body ached with need.

  “Fuck!” He hissed as he pulled back. He stared at me for a moment, then left, slamming the front door shut behind him.

  “What the hell,” I choked out as I touched my swollen lips.

  Everything was spiralling out of control again within hours of Mason turning back up. I was ashamed for wanting Steed but I was also relieved that someone still found me attractive, even with no hair and a flat chest. He seemed to bring out a primal urge in me. An urge to fuck. I didn’t want a relationship, as I knew he didn’t, there was something between us, a spark of need, and an animalistic hunger to screw each other’s brains out, hard, painfully and violently.

  But we could never concede to it. By the looks of things, Steed now worked for Mason and that in itself was trouble, never mind risking everything just for the sake of pain and pleasure.

  I needed to completely cut myself off. I needed to build a life again and the best way to do that was to take control once more. I needed a diversion from the waiting for my next test. The next one was in three months and I knew the wait would be agonising, so I needed something to occupy my days instead of my lonely thoughts.