Fortitude (Heart of Stone)

by D H Sidebottom

  I swallowed as tears burnt my eyes and my stomach revolted. “I know.”

  He nodded then narrowed his eyes on me, “And I can guarantee that he won’t want to be replaying all that up there.” He pointed to the ceiling then shrugged and looked down, “Or down there. He’s found his peace Ava, let him have it.”

  I lowered my eyes when he closed the door behind him, watching the fall of each tear as they dropped into the glass of juice and marbled the orange into streaks of yellow.

  ***

  I sighed as I sank into the hot water, the bubbles tickling my chin when I slid as far down as was possible without drowning. The warmth enveloped me straight away, disinfecting the chill that had developed in me.

  I lay for a long while, wondering how much longer I had. Would it be painful, would it be quick or would it draw out agonisingly? I even pictured how many would be at my funeral.

  “I would love to see Rebecca there.” I said to myself. “That would be awesome. I’d swoop down on her and flick her perfectly styled hair.”

  I nodded to myself then sighed when I realised I’d spent way too long on my own. “You are so sad, you’ve now progressed to talking to yourself. I should get a dog.” I decided suddenly, “That way I have someone to talk to.” I frowned and chuckled, “But that’s out, Ava. Damn girl, he wouldn’t even get past the puppy stage and he’d be on his own.”

  I clambered out when the water had cooled and rubbed myself down. I caught sight of myself in the full length mirror, the large scar on my breast from the poker glaring at me.

  I traced along it with my finger. “You know what’s so fucking hard to take.” I spat at the ceiling. “I went through all the shit. I spent night after night, shivering in the cold, starving and fighting to survive until the morning. I’ve been raped, I’ve been beaten, I’ve been tortured for Christ’s sake, but not once, not one single time did I ever give up.”

  I studied my breasts in the mirror, then placed my hands over then, squashing them as hard as I could to my chest. Mason loved my breasts, he’d feast on them, worship them even. I couldn’t bear for him to see them hacked away, replaced by something hideous and repulsive.

  I fought back the anger and pulled on the clothes William had left for me, sniffing them secretly to see if they’d been cleaned from the previous woman who had worn them, then went back into his office.

  My breath left me in a whoosh as a palm flashed across my cheek, snapping my head to one side abruptly. “You fucking bitch!” Courtney hissed at me.

  She tore at me, her hands and nails in my face as she screamed and raged at me. I curled into myself and let her get it out. She needed to do this, she needed to let it loose but her sobbing hurt me more than her physical abuse. They were cries of broken sorrow and grief and each one gutted me.

  “Okay,” she said finally as she lifted her chin defiantly. She wiped her forearm across her nose and turned to face someone. “She’s all yours.”

  I gasped when Nate walked over and hoisted me onto his shoulder. “Enough of this crap Ava, you were born to fucking fight. And now…” his voice broke and he coughed to clear it away, “now you fucking fight.”

  I didn’t answer for a while, I couldn’t; the distress in his voice hurt me more than anything. I hadn’t just destroyed myself, I had destroyed my friends along with me.

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  “Okay?” he asked as he turned his head to look at me. He placed a finger under my chin and tilted my head. “Okay?”

  I nodded. “But you do this with me. Not Courtney, not Kade, not even Mason. I don’t want them to watch this. Just you.”

  “You’re on. I’m there, sweetheart. Right the fuck beside you… all the damn way.”

  I nodded, “Okay.” I repeated.

  It was all I could say.

  But it was enough.

  Chapter Eleven

  Relief

  Mason

  The whisky wasn’t enough. The coke wasn’t enough. I fought over whether heroin would be enough.

  I tried to stand but fell to the floor, my head bouncing off the corner of the coffee table. “Fuck!”

  I needed to piss and I focussed on the stairs. Could I make it?

  “Jesus Christ.” Kade walked through the doorway and rushed over to me. “What the hell, Mase?” He wasn’t angry, well his voice wasn’t, he was sad and I hated him for it.

  “Don’t fucking pity me!” I stormed at him as I tried to push off the table and stand. He grabbed hold of me, lifted me then threw me back onto the sofa.

  “I don’t fucking pity you, you arse. I’m hurting here too. I love her too. I want her to get through this as well.”

  I stared at him, his voice full of ache and pain. “She doesn’t love me, Kade.”

  “Of course she loves you.”

  I shook my head slowly but firmly, the coke and alcohol in my system slowing my movements. “No, she told me. Her exact words were ‘I don’t even fucking love you’.”

  “Hey,” he whispered as he slid my face round to look at him, his fingers soft on my face and I sighed, nestling into his touch. “She’s determined to destruct, Mason. You know damn well she loves you.”

  I was silent for a moment but then lifted my eyes to his and locked his gaze. “She’s going to die, Kade. And I…”

  “No!” He barked at me, desperately trying to stop my breakdown before it hit. “Listen to me. Nate rang, she’s gone in, Mason.”

  “What?” I stared at him in confusion.

  His smile was radiant, his bright blue eyes sparkling furiously. “She’s fighting back, Mason. She’s fucking fighting.”

  I swear my heart exploded in my chest. I suddenly couldn’t breathe. My life hit me with the force of a train wreck, everything coming back into focus as my spirit soared. “I need to see her.”

  I struggled to get up but I found the determination. If my beautiful wife had found the strength, then I could too.

  “Mason…”

  “Call me a cab,” I told him as I pulled on my shoes.

  “Mason…”

  “Are you capable of driving?”

  “Mason!” He stood and took my hands. “She doesn’t want to see us. She doesn’t want to see you.”

  “What? But…”

  He sighed and looked over my shoulder, his eyes focussing on something, anywhere but me. “We have to respect that. She has taken the biggest step of her life. Let her deal with it. Don’t ruin it by storming in on her, she won’t appreciate it.”

  “But she’ll need me.”

  “No,” he shook his head. “She’ll need us to support however she wants to do this. Let her get through this, then she’ll accept you, she’ll accept life again.”

  “But I can’t let her do this alone.”

  “Nate is with her. He’ll carry her, but you have to accept what she wants now.”

  “Well, how long are we talking?” I asked, my patience thin and fragile.

  “I don’t know, Mason. Honestly, I really don’t know.”

  I sank back onto the sofa, my hands sliding over my face as I fought against the tears. “Why?” I asked him softly, “Why doesn’t she want me anymore, Kade. Why?”

  He sat beside me and pulled me against his lap until my head rested in his groin and his fingers slid through my hair gently. “Because she’s scared, Mason. She is frightened of seeing you hurting. She can’t cope with that on top of everything else. She loves you too much for that.”

  “No,” I whispered as I shook my head gently. “She’s saying goodbye, Kade. Death or not, I’ve lost her.”

  And I knew it in my bones. Twenty years of memories would have to get me through now. I remembered every single one. I remembered her laugh, her smile, every curve of her body. Every tear she had spilt and every single word of love she had whispered to me.

  They were all I had left now.

  Chapter Twelve

  Persevere

  Ava

  Five months later
>
  I fiddled with the bra, pulling and poking at it. I hated it, hated the way it looked on me, hated how false it looked. Hated how it now replaced my breasts.

  “Hurry up!” Carrie shouted up the stairs. She had become a fast, firm friend over the last four months. She’d been my homecare nurse and we had quickly developed a bond, her sense of humour as sick as mine.

  “I can’t.” I choked out when she came to watch me in the doorway.

  “Don’t be so bloody grumpy,” she said firmly as she whipped the long wig over my head and adjusted it through the mirror. “You have been through hell in the last five months. Celebrate the end of your treatment. Live for a little, if only for one night.”

  She stood, flicking through my clothes in the wardrobe. I knew nothing would fit me anymore but I let her choose. As usual she was spot on when she pulled out a short shift dress, knowing it would hang perfectly and cover my prominent hipbones and horrid protruding ribs.

  I pulled at the skin under my eyes, sighing at the dark circles that now seemed at home on my face. “A bit of slap will cover those, so don’t even try to use them as an excuse.”

  I poked my tongue out at her back, knowing whatever I said that she wouldn’t back down. I loved her strong personality but sometimes it could be a little too much, especially when all I wanted to do was hide and wallow.

  Carrie left me to it and I stared at myself in the mirror. It wasn’t even me any longer, I was completely different now, not just my looks but my life and my goals; not that I had any goals other than to get through each day without pining for a man I couldn’t have.

  I had cut myself off from all of my friends and family, except Nate. He said very little about Mason; on one hand I didn’t want to know, I couldn’t move on if I didn’t let him go, but on the other hand, I needed to know everything, had he changed, was he the same, was he looking after my children, had he moved on from me?

  All Nate had told me was that Mason was back to running the family business, Kade and Grace had decided to hang around, much to Liam’s chagrin that Grace would become a target now she didn’t have the bureaus protection. My children were doing great, George had gone through a drug rehab program and Katie was studying hard at uni.

  And I missed them with every fibre of my being. I missed Mason’s special smiles, the sexy one he would always give me that lit me up inside. I missed his words of love, I missed his arms and his safe hold. I missed the way he made me feel, I missed how he would make me laugh. I missed his sexy words when he was inside me. I missed him so damn much that the pain never seemed to disappear. But I would never let him see me this way. Gone was his little warrior. She had been replaced with an empty shell. A no one with a mutilated body, a body I knew he would hate but never say.

  I sat at my dresser and piled on layers of camouflage, hiding the paleness to my skin and the thin blood vessels that had burst through my bouts of sickness. My hands shook. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t face the outside world yet, I wasn’t ready.

  “Taxi’s here!” Carrie shouted.

  I took a deep breath, swallowed back the bile and took my shaky legs down the stairs.

  “Beautiful,” Carrie smiled at me as she adjusted my blond wig. I hated that too by the way.

  I pulled it back and she glowered at me. “Leave it!”

  “I hate it, it itches and makes me sweat.”

  She pursed her lips, her frustration with me evident on her pretty face. “Honey, you can’t go in a club wearing a Sons of Anarchy headscarf, it isn’t done.”

  “Fuck them!”

  “No,” she murmured as she dragged me out the front door. “Fuck you, honey.”

  She was once again introduced to my tongue.

  ***

  I was absolutely slaughtered. I could hardly see, my legs were struggling to hold me up and to top it off I’d lost Carrie in the hordes of revellers. She had given up after hours of trying to persuade me to dance and had gone in alone, fighting to get to the centre as her lithe little body had squeezed past people.

  The barman grinned at me yet again. Creepy bastard.

  Epic night!

  I swung round to study the dancers again, hoping to catch sight of my friends black bob bouncing about. It was impossible, the lights were streaking the dance floor and morphing each human into its alien doppelganger.

  I needed to pee so badly.

  “Hey!” I shouted to the barman, gesturing for him to lean over the bar as I put my mouth to his ear. “If my friend comes back, can you tell her I’ve gone to the loo?”

  He nodded and gave me a thumbs up with another leery smile as I slid off the stool and made my way across the bar, using it for support across the room.

  I cringed when I saw the space I needed to cross to get to the corridor that housed the toilets. “Oh damn.”

  I just went for it, giggling to myself as I swung one way and another. People, mainly men, wrapped their arms around my waist and steered me across when they figured out which way I was heading.

  “That door,” A tall bloke pointed to a door and smiled at me.

  I strained my neck as I ran my eyes up his lengthy body, “Fucking hell,” I gasped as I stared very rudely at him. “You’re huge.”

  His tongue poked through his cheek as he tried to hold back his laugh. “They all usually say that,” he winked.

  I rolled my eyes and crossed my legs, “Oh damn.” I repeated.

  Tall guy laughed then lifted me into his arms and rushed across the room with me. “Coming through!” he shouted as he bounded through the ladies bathroom door, past the long line of needy pee-ers and kicked open a cubicle door. He sat me on the loo then closed his eyes as he shifted my dress up and his fingers fiddled with the sides of my knickers. “Piss!” he demanded as his eyes remained screwed tightly shut.

  He smirked when I started to wee. “We made it!” he cried with a grin. “Woohoo!”

  “We made it!” I laughed as I continued to pee.

  “Good god, are you ever gonna stop?”

  I slapped his shoulder and told him I had done. He was so gentlemanly as he struggled to help me pull everything up with his eyes still closed that I placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Thank you.”

  He peeked through one eye to make sure I was decent, then lifted me once more and carried me over to the sinks where he propped me up on the vanity and washed my hands for me. He never said a word, just concentrated on his duty, smiling the whole time. “My name is Ava,” I whispered when he grabbed a paper towel and started to dry my hands.

  “Toby,” he introduced.

  I quirked an eyebrow at him but he shook his head. “They named me after the dog.” He openly revealed with a slow nod.

  I bit into my lower lip, a funny squeak strangling my throat as I tried not to laugh. “Well, it’s lovely to meet you Toby.”

  “And you, Ava.” He smiled back warmly. “Are you ready?”

  I nodded and slid off the unit. He caught me when my legs gave way. “Whoa, it seems someone’s had a little too much.”

  “It seems that someone may be me,” I laughed as he scooped me back up and carried me through the club.

  We hit the mass of dancers as Toby struggled to manoeuvre me around them. “Hey, my friend!” I cried in his ear when I spotted Carrie’s black bob.

  Toby lifted an eyebrow at me, “You wanna disturb her? She looks kinda busy.”

  I shook my head when I saw her attached to someone’s face but then she shifted and my world fell apart.

  Mason grabbed the back of her neck and pulled my friend back onto his mouth, his hands sliding around her back to pull her even further into him.

  Toby snapped his face towards me when the weird noise echoed from my lungs. “Hey?” he asked with a worried expression. “Are you okay?”

  I shook my head at him, desperately trying to hide the tears from him. “I want to go home.”

  “I’ll just go get your friend.”

  I shook my head and grabbed
at him. “No!”

  “But…”

  “No,” I spat, “Just get me into a taxi, please.”

  He shrugged then did as I asked but just as he was about to shut the car door I took his hand. He crouched in the door and looked at me expectantly. “Thank you for this.”

  He smiled and ran a finger down my nose. “Gimme your phone.”

  I pulled it from my bag and he took it from me, pressed at some keys until his own phone rang in his pocket. He pulled it out, winked at me then closed the door and patted the roof.

  “Where to love?” the driver asked.

  “Home,” I sighed as the tears started to fall when shadows of Mason’s mouth on my friend gripped at my heart. “I want to go home.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Mistakes

  Mason

  “I need a drink,” Carrie shouted above the noise. I gave her a nod and followed her across the floor to the bar.

  She stood still, her head twisting left and right as though she was looking for something. “Are you okay?” I asked as she continued to search the area, her little body spinning round in circles.

  “My friend.”

  I frowned and shook my head, “I didn’t know you were with anyone.”

  “Ava!” she shouted as she hollered into her hands.

  The hairs on the back of my neck reared to attention as my gut coiled. “Ava?”

  She nodded as she leaned across the bar to the barman. “Where’s my friend?”

  “Toilet,” he shouted to her.

  She sighed with relief but I turned to face the toilet doors, studying each person as they came out. It had to be her, her name was fairly unique and uncommon.

  “Carrie?” A tall guy asked as he approached Carrie. She nodded and frowned at him, her eyes roaming his body appreciatively. He smiled back at her, “Ava went home. She saw you with someone so left you to it, but I just thought you should know that she left.”