Rough Water (Songbird #7)

by Melissa Pearl

  She felt so damn good. I wanted to spin her around and lay her on the bed, spread her legs wide and then have them wrap around me as I buried myself inside her. I could see it all so clearly, the way she would bite her lower lip as she came, the feel of her fingers digging into my back… But before I could make a move, my brain decided to resurrect itself.

  New images flashed before me. Unwelcome ones I couldn’t counter. They threatened to tear me wide open. I squeezed my eyes against them, focusing on Sarah’s tongue brushing my skin, the curve of her butt beneath my fingertips. I squeezed her to me and she moaned—that luscious sound that used to belong only to me.

  Funny how one small sound can take a beautiful moment and rip it to shreds.

  Her moan.

  That was what did it.

  I imagined that sound in another man’s ear. Did she writhe beneath him? Did he make her come before entering her? How did her take her? Was she on her back or was he thrusting into her from behind? Snapshots flicked through my mind like some sick porno movie.

  My head snapped back, my hands flying out of her pants.

  “Justin?”

  “I c-can’t do this,” I puffed, jerking away from her and landing on the bed behind us.

  Sarah stared at me wide-eyed and sank onto the bed opposite me, wrapping her arms around herself. “You don’t want me.”

  I let out brittle snicker. “It’s not about want.”

  “It could be. You haven’t touched me in months. I know I screwed everything up, but before Vegas…what did I do wrong? Why? Why didn’t you want me anymore?”

  “Is that why you cheated?” My eyes burned as I looked at her. “Because you think I didn’t want you?”

  “No! I cheated because I was drunk off my ass and I didn’t know what I was doing!” She slapped the bed. “I never intended to hurt you! If you’d been there—”

  “Oh, so it’s my fault you let some guy shove his dick inside you?”

  The room went still for a shocking beat, and then her face crumpled with an wounded sob. Covering her mouth, she curved over on herself and started to whimper like an injured kid.

  Guilt slapped me in the face, but I couldn’t apologize. I couldn’t say anything. I’d never spoken to her like that before. It was mean, and I was a jackass for saying it. But all I could do was stare at her as she whimpered. Her shoulders trembled while she quietly cried in front of me.

  Why couldn’t I move to her? I wanted to comfort her, but my body just sat there—stupid and weak.

  “I swear to you,” she finally whispered, “I’ll never do that again. If you could please just find it in your heart to move past this. I love you. I’ve only ever loved you.”

  “I can’t touch you without thinking of—” Blake’s corpse…and now Mr. Vegas.

  “But…” she squeaked then sucked in a shaky breath. “I can’t live without you.”

  Her broken whisper scraped down my spine, threatening to ruin me.

  “Please,” I croaked, “can you just go?”

  She sat up straight, her blue eyes practically glowing. “I’m not leaving you, and I’m not signing those papers.”

  “You left me the second you cheated, don’t you get that?”

  “And you left me the day Blake died.” She shot off the bed, standing over me in her skimpy underwear. I could see every muscle heaving as she begged me. “Please, I want you back. I need you.”

  “No, you don’t.” I shook my head. “You’re better off without me, Sarah.”

  “Don’t do this!” She slapped my shoulder then dug her nails in and gave me a firm shake. “Fight for me! Fight for us!”

  Her desperate cries were met with silence. I couldn’t respond. I didn’t have any fight left in me. I’d been working myself to nothing trying to get over Blake’s death…my guilt. How was I supposed to rise above her infidelity?

  “Say Something” started playing in the background. It leaked into the room as a final warning. I kept my eyes on the carpet, gripping my curls like a failure.

  The song washed over us—a melancholy refrain that threatened to drown me. I could feel Sarah’s gaze on me as the words swirled around us. I glanced away from the carpet and spotted her thin fingers gripping the bed covers. The sapphire on her finger made my heart spasm. I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed, my throat so viscous, talking was impossible.

  Sarah finally let out a soft sigh and slipped back into her dress. I watched her shaky movements from the corner of my eye, resisting the urge to pull her into my lap and hold her against me.

  She walked to the door and grabbed the handle, pausing to look back at me once last time. “Happy anniversary,” she whispered. “For what it’s worth, I’ll never regret marrying you.”

  The door clicked shut behind her, and I was left with the mournful song and a shattered heart.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Sarah

  I didn’t realize I’d been waiting for the day to come, but I obviously had, because the second I woke up, it hit me like a battering ram to the chest.

  It’d been one year since Blake’s death.

  Everyone would be feeling it, especially Jane…and Justin.

  I’d sent him a text before leaving for work, but hadn’t heard back. I could only imagine what torment was hounding him. He’d keep it all in though, locked away so no one could see it.

  I worried my lip as I sat in the coffee shop below Echelon Fashion and waited.

  The place wasn’t busy. It was still summer, so most people were rushing in the door to get their fix then taking it outside. The sun was glorious, the sky so blue it looked like it went on forever. I gazed out the window, watching the light move and shift as people walked through its beams. Shadows danced on the pavement as two little girls skipped by hand in hand. They giggled and started to run when someone called for them to hurry. An elderly couple strolled past, nattering away like the best of friends. She had her wrinkled hand resting in the crook of his elbow. He looked down at her and said something that must have been sweet because she pressed her cheek against his shoulder while he patted her hand.

  So cute.

  So heart-wrenching.

  I glanced back into the cafe, aware of traffic through the door. I hadn’t seen Jane since she yelled at me, but I got a message on my phone while I was working. I dropped everything and left the office, telling Jules I’d pull an all-nighter if I had to. My friend needed me.

  I hadn’t realized how desperate I was to see her again. I’d kept my distance, giving her time to forgive me. Work was my salvation—the only thing keeping me afloat. I hadn’t spoken to anyone outside of Echelon in days. Kelly had called to check on me, which was sweet. It was nice to have an ally. I couldn’t believe how understanding she was over the whole thing. I didn’t think I could be friends with a girl who screwed my father.

  I shuddered, closing my eyes and thinking about those wretched divorce papers on my dining room table. I still hadn’t signed them. Even though Justin wasn’t willing to fight, I wasn’t ready to let go. I wanted my husband back…I just didn’t know how to reach him.

  I’d left him a message the day after our anniversary, apologizing for yelling at him and asking if he’d be willing to do counseling with me…but I hadn’t heard back. In retrospect, we should have had counseling after Blake’s death, but everyone slipped into robot-mode and life passed by. We all thought we could be brave enough to do it on our own.

  We were idiots.

  The song on the radio switched to “Not Just You” by Ebony Day. I’d only heard it a couple of times before, but my soul seemed attuned to mournful music and I picked up on it right away. I closed my eyes and listened to the words, wondering if they were true.

  I had hurt Justin, very badly.

  But maybe he’d hurt me too.

  I wanted to think that Vegas was a drunken mistake, but was there a part of me, buried deep in my subconscious, that allowed it to happen?

  Was I somehow trying to wa
ke my husband up? Pull him out of his stupor so that he’d see me again…let me in?

  If that were the case, my subconscious needed a kick in the ass, because it was a complete and utter backfire. Slumping in my seat with a sigh, I gazed out the window. What a mess.

  “I take it he hasn’t forgiven you yet.”

  I whipped around at the sound of Jane’s voice. She towered over me, her expression neutral. I held my breath and gazed into her green eyes. The yellow flecks in them were more obvious in the cafe light. With a soft sigh, my friend finally gave in and flashed me a brief smile. Slipping into the seat opposite me, she slid the bag off her shoulder and placed her elbows on the round table.

  “Thanks for meeting me.”

  “Thanks for calling.” I gave her a glum smile.

  She picked at a groove in the table. “I just needed time.”

  “I know. I completely understand.”

  Tucking a lock of red hair behind her delicate ear, she studied me with narrowing eyes. “I didn’t realize things were so bad for you two.”

  “I was drunk, Jane. I didn’t…” I sighed, wondering if my I didn’t know what I was doing line held up anymore.

  “You wouldn’t have been sitting in a bar doing that if you were happy. You’re not a heavy drinker, you never have been.”

  “Never drink to make yourself feel better, right?” I muttered bitterly.

  “You’ve never had to.” She reached for my hand. “You’ve always been the sun, bright and glowing. Nothing could drag you down.”

  I placed mine on top of hers and squeezed. “Yeah, that’s not actually true.”

  “All this time, I thought you were the invincible one. I felt like a fool for feeling so depleted and lost without Blake. I tried to tell myself that you guys had each other, so it was easier for you.” Her forehead crinkled. “But maybe it wasn’t.”

  “It should have been. We should have held on to each other, but we just kind of drifted apart, both putting on brave faces and pretending like our marriage was…everything it needed to be.” I sniffed. “I didn’t mean to screw up so badly.”

  I swallowed, willing myself not to start crying again. I was so sick of tears.

  “It was a mistake, Sparks. I understand that now, and I’m sorry for going off at you like I did. I was just horrified. It’s so unlike you to do something like this. But after I had some time to reflect, I realized that you must have been feeling pretty damn desperate to put yourself in that position.” Jane shook her head and looked out the window. “I just miss Blake so much, and I’m tired of feeling sad and empty all the time. Every day is an effort…and today, I mean, I don’t even know how I would have gotten out of bed if Mom hadn’t stood at my front door banging on it like a maniac.”

  I gazed down at my empty coffee mug, struggling to look at Jane’s torn expression. So much pain.

  “I can’t keep going like this,” she whispered. “It’s been a year. Every day hauling my sad, tired ass out of bed and feeling numb. Going through the motions like a frickin’ robot because if I let myself feel, I might just fall apart.”

  Her laughter was breathy and coated in tears.

  “I’m not dying, Sarah. No matter how hard I pray for it, I still wake up every morning. I could live for another seventy-five years.” Her eyes were desperate as she stared at me. “Seventy-five! I can’t keep going like this. If I’m not going to die, then I need to figure out a way to live without him.”

  Her words crashed over me like a tidal wave, threatening to sweep me away. She’d been wanting to die? I pulled in a shuddering breath.

  “So…what’s your plan?” I asked.

  Slashing at her tears, she scrambled in her bag and pulled out a rumpled piece of paper.

  My forehead crinkled. “What’s that?”

  She smoothed it out on the table. “When we first moved to LA, I was miserable. I was the ginger kid with the weird name and a stupid accent. I missed England and I just wanted to go home. So, I ran away. I stole money out of Dad’s wallet and I caught a bus to the airport.” She rolled her eyes with a self-deprecating smile. “Of course, I forgot my passport and no one would sell me a ticket.”

  I snickered. “How have you never told me this story before?”

  “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Anyway, Mom came to get me. I blubbered out my misery and she hugged me and told me we’d come up with a solution together.”

  “And this is the result?”

  I pointed at the sheet of paper. She flicked it across the table and I picked it up, scanning the bubbly writing.

  Georjana’s Bucket List

  * Disneyland

  “That’s it?” I flipped the piece of paper over and gave her a bemused smile.

  She wrinkled her nose. “About a week later, I made friends with another new girl at school, then I asked people to start calling me Jane, and before I knew it I was kind of loving my life. I didn’t need it anymore.”

  “But you need it now.”

  “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Is it a dumb idea?”

  “It is if Disneyland’s the only thing on here.” Rummaging in my bag, I pulled out a pen and wrote beneath her original list.

  Jane’s Life List

  “Okay, what do you want to do?”

  She sighed and pulled a fresh sheet of paper from her bag. With a nervous half smile, she slid it across the table. Jane had already started a new list, and the first item on it was: Say good-bye.

  “I’m going back to England, to the church. I need to start at the end, and find my new beginning.”

  I scanned down the rest of the list. It included random things, safe things, like: eat at least one oyster, watch Gone with the Wind, read The Great Gatsby. Further down she started to get a little more adventurous: Learn how to surf, try scuba diving, go skydiving, swim beneath a waterfall.

  My eyes shimmered with tears as I swallowed and fought the tingles in my nose.

  “This is amazing.”

  “It’s only a start. I just… I’m never going to fall in love again. Blake was the one, so I need to figure out life without him. I need to fill my life with things to keep me busy. To help me move on and forward. Maybe if I have a list to tick off, life on my own won’t be quite so vacant.”

  “Are you sure going back to England’s going to help you? Won’t that be too painful?”

  “I was in too much shock to really say good-bye. I’m hoping that going back will help me find closure. Blake and I had big plans for our honeymoon, so I’m going to go and do some of them.” She tapped the list, indicating the skydiving and scuba diving.

  Spinning my pen between my fingers, I added another thing to the list: Horseback riding on the beach. And then with a playful smile, I scribbled down: Skinny dipping in the ocean.

  Jane gasped, but I just pointed at her and snickered. “You have to promise me.”

  A sound popped out of her mouth—one neither of us had heard in a really long time. It jolted both of us, and we stared at each other then both laughed. Laughed. Yes, Jane had actually laughed.

  “That sounded really beautiful,” I whispered.

  Her lips wobbled into a crooked kind of smile. “It felt pretty good too.” Reaching across the table, she snatched my wrist. “This is crazy, right?”

  “You better do it.” My voice was low with conviction.

  “I’ve already bought my ticket. I leave in a couple days. I only have a few weeks before school starts again.”

  “You can do a lot in a few weeks,” I assured her. “You’ll come back a whole new woman.”

  “Or maybe just a revised version of what I once was.” Her smile was sad and wistful.

  “You’re making me realize that we’ve all been drifting this past year. Unless we do something about it, nothing’s going to change. What I did…in Vegas was out of control. It altered everything, but not for the better.”

  “So, how are you going to make it better?”

  I shrugged. “I need to t
ake control. I need to stop waiting for everyone to start acting the way I want them to. We’re not those two carefree girls from college anymore. Life’s dealt its hand and knocked us on our asses. I’ve been desperately trying to live the life I thought I wanted, instead of accepting what is and carving out the life I actually need.”

  “I know exactly what you mean.” She slapped her hand over her list. “Which is why I have to do this.”

  I smiled. “Do you want me to come with you?”

  She paused to stare at me. “You’d do that?”

  “I would if you needed me to.”

  “Well, I’d only accept if it fits with your plans.” She tipped her head. “What are your plans?”

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I rubbed my forehead. “I’m still trying to work that out.”

  “What do you need, Sarah?”

  I frowned, the weight of it all pushing me down in the chair. “I need the love of my life back. But I can’t control that, can I?”

  She shook her head. “I wish we could.”

  “So…what? Do I give him what he’s asking for and then figure out what life looks like without him?”

  Jane’s expression was pained. “I guess that would be taking back control.”

  “I love him.” My voice shook. “I love him so much.”

  “Do you think he still loves you?”

  “I don’t know. He’s asking for a divorce, but I haven’t been able to give it to him. How do I sign? It’s the last thing I want to do.”

  “But maybe it’s what he needs.” Jane’s eyes glassed over. “Maybe losing you will work like some kind of electric shock. He’ll realize that he’s making a big mistake.”

  “What if it doesn’t?” My voice hitched with fear. “What if I never win him back?”

  “Then you’ve got me, Sparks. Even when we’re not together, you’ll always be the best friend I’ve ever had, and I’m only ever one call away.”

  I grinned and hummed the first line of Charlie Puth’s song, “One Call Away.” She smiled and sang the second line, then we both sang the rest of the chorus together, Jane dropping into a perfect little harmony. It was a snippet of our past and one to treasure. We hadn’t sung since the night before her wedding.