Thrilling Heaven (Room 103)

by Sidebottom, D H

  I had been in the pub for five days straight and this bitch beside me had been trying to get into my pants the whole time.

  “Why the fuck would I wanna screw you, sweetie?” I mocked cruelly.

  Her face contorted foully with her confusion, “But… you just said. You just told me you wanna fuck me?”

  I laughed at her, her own stupidity and my drunkenness making the situation more humorous than it actually was. “Noooo, I said I wanna ‘get fucked’. Huge difference, sweetie. I meant high you stupid cow.”

  Her palm connected with my cheek and I hooted at the hilariousness of it. “Christ, sweetie. My woman can give me more shit than you.” I smiled at the memory of Jen’s hard slap in the toilets of The Black Pod when I had called her a name I didn’t want to recall.

  I waved a hand at Jesse as he entered the pub and I made my way over to him, somewhat precariously but I eventually made it and pulled a couple of twenties out of my wallet and handed it to him.

  He grinned and pulled the white pouch from his pocket but as he moved his hand to mine he stiffened and shook his head before depositing the coke back in his packet.

  “What the…”

  A hand gripped the back of my neck and pulled me backwards through the room, my legs dragging on the dusty wooden floor in an effort to remain upright as I was yanked through the door and into the car park.

  I peered over my shoulder at a stern faced E, her anger and disappointment in me giving her the strength to handle me forcefully.

  “You stupid twat” she spat as a current of air stormed through her nostrils in her attempt to stay calm. “Get a fucking grip, Boss. You are burying your brother tomorrow. Sober up, clean up and man up!”

  I released a bark of humourless laughter as I brushed myself off and fought with the wobble that was threatening to pull me to the ground. “I’m not going.”

  She inhaled sharply but nodded. “Don’t you think that’s gonna look a bit suspicious, Boss? He was your brother!”

  I screwed up my face as anger surged through me, “My brother? My fucking brother?”

  I could see her tongue peeking between the clench of her teeth as she closed her eyes for a moment to rein in her temper. “I don’t give a damn shit Boss, but Jen will. She will need you there.”

  I laughed with mirth this time. “Yeah, okay sweetheart. Sure she will!”

  “Don’t be so damn selfish. That woman still loves you, you idiot. She’s just hurting and trying to understand why. You wanna lose her forever?”

  I glared at her in amazement. “She made it quite clear how much she needs me, E. Hell, that woman never needed anyone, only herself and her abusive husband. Fuck, she probably even enjoyed it.”

  E’s slap was harder than Jen’s or Blondie’s and I grit my teeth at the pain that smarted through my face. “Christ, hot stuff!”

  She opened the car door and pushed me in, my arse hitting the seat with oomph as my head slammed against the headrest. “Get in and shut the fuck up Boss, before I bury my fist in your jaw.”

  Okay, jeez.

  ***

  E squeezed my hand as Jen climbed from the funeral car with my parents and Erica, my younger sister.

  They all turned to me, my family’s faces filled with disgust and horror at my attendance. Since my ‘affair’ with Jen when we were kids, they had never forgiven me for what I had done to their precious Kyle.

  Always the outcast, me; never quite good enough for their expectations of life.

  E’s arm slid around my waist as I brushed off their stares and my eyes found Jen’s. Her throat bobbed and her chest heaved as our souls linked but her eyes filled with sadness and she turned to my father, giving him a soft smile as he said something to her.

  She greeted many people, smiling and nodding at their condolences before her breath caught and the pall-bearers appeared with Kyle.

  I watched her knees jolt and Erica’s arm shot out to catch her from falling as my own hand reached for her even though she was meters away from me, the need to support her raging through my system like a torrent in a river.

  E inhaled a deep breath and pushed back her shoulders, her knowledge of my family’s hatred towards me saw her much needed support doubled as she leaned towards me. “I love you, Boss. You’re worth twice what they are. Your heart is triple the size of theirs and I love you for who you are, baby.”

  Her open, affectionate words were just the words I needed and my courage and confidence boosted with each syllable as I planted a gentle kiss on her forehead and smiled my thanks, words were not needed to display my own love for my best friend.

  We followed them in, stares and glares from the many people roasting me from inside as E led me into the pew at the back of the church. “I think we might be safer here. Quicker route to the exit when they pelt us with fermented eggs.”

  I snorted and nodded as everyone took their seats and silence descended.

  The vicar started his spiel but paused and frowned as Jen stood up and lifted a hand to halt him.

  All eyes swung to her as she heaved her shoulders and walked down the aisle towards me, her eyes locked on mine as she appeared before me.

  We both secured gazes, hers blazing and feisty and mine cautious and anxious at what was to come.

  I puffed out a breath as she lifted her hand to me. I frowned at her but she nodded, her silence hurting me but her need for me lighting my core.

  I placed my hand in hers and she enveloped her fingers around mine as I stood. The mere touch of her brought forth the determination and strength I needed to see me through this ordeal.

  She steered me up the aisle and I flinched at the anger and revulsion radiating off every person who loved Kyle as I passed them. Their knowledge at what I had done to him nine years ago spoke volumes for their hatred of me.

  “He knew it was you and he accepted that,” she whispered as we walked up the channel between the pews. “He would want you up front.”

  My breath caught at her revelation as I stared at her with my mouth open. My eyes searched her face for a lie in her words. I wasn’t sure how I felt when I didn’t find one.

  Kyle knew! He knew what I had done and he had still given Jen his blessing to be with me.

  How hard did that hit me?

  Oh Christ!

  As we reached the front bench, Jake, Kyle’s best mate stood up to challenge me but Jen shook her head firmly and held up her hand. “Kyle wanted him here and it’s Kyle’s wishes we are honouring today.”

  He stared at her but relented and seated himself back down, but not before I caught his words. “You did this, you fucking prick, and you’re gonna get what’s coming to ya’.”

  Wonderful!

  My grandparents smiled encouragingly and nodded in pride to me from the opposite pew, their love for me displayed openly and I sucked on my lips at their exposed heartache of a squabbling family.

  I had always been their favourite grandchild and I had called them and treat them as my folks from the moment my own parents had disowned me. They had been the only ones who had understand mine and Jen’s pure potent love for each other and they had accepted that, although we had done everything within our power to push back our feelings, they had been too strong to fight and my grandparents had supported as well as blessed us.

  The vicar sighed heavily, the atmosphere in the room sucking the life out of the place as the air seemed crushed and stale in our lungs but he bit it back and started his speech.

  “We are here to give thanks to the lord for the life of Kyle Richard Hart….”

  Jen slipped her hand into mine and I threaded my fingers through hers as I closed my eyes to the images of Kyle and me as youngsters, our laughter and fun filtering through each of my memories and a small smile lifted my lips as I remembered how close we used to be.

  “I’m so sorry” I whispered to Kyle as I opened my eyes and penetrated his coffin trying to give him my apologies for everything. For Jen, for my betrayal, for the ultimate s
in I had performed and for the guilt of his death.

  “He knows.” Jen whispered back and I turned to look at her. A soft smile curved her soft lips as a tear skimmed her cheek, “he knew.”

  I swallowed back the anger, and reined in the heartache but I openly displayed my guilt at what I had done to her.

  She nodded slightly before she turned her attention back to the service but I couldn’t look away from her utter beauty. Her face pale was gaunt and troubled but her pure exquisiteness and vividness was still there and it stole my breath and melted a small piece of that ice I had formed around my heart.

  I would never stop loving her and maybe Kyle had finally accepted just how much I had loved the woman he had loved just as deeply.

  My sister caught my attention as she stood and approached the altar with a piece of paper held in her trembling fingers.

  She settled behind the wooden stand and took a deep breath before she looked out at the mourners.

  “Kyle was a brilliant brother; he was kind, affectionate and gentle.” She began and I swallowed back the snort that was impending and Jen clenched my hand in silent agreement of my feelings.

  Erica’s hard face found mine and her lip curled in disgust. “From September 2003 I only had one brother and Kyle made up for that in so many ways.”

  “Sit down and keep quiet.” Jen breathed beside me as she felt my body needing to argue with my sister’s grievance.

  “The way he handled an awful situation was semblance to what a deep and caring man he was. He was fun, outgoing and wasn’t afraid to show how much love he held for you.”

  Jen snorted loudly and I felt her stiffen before she coughed to hide her mistake. Erica smiled at her when she presumed Jen had coughed not scoffed but I sucked on my lips and sighed.

  It suddenly occurred to me that my family loved Jen as one of their own, even though we had both betrayed Kyle but I would approach her about it later, now was not the time.

  Erica continued with her speech, often and regularly bringing in digs at me but I fed from Jen’s strength beside me and breathed through it until she stepped down, glared at me and retook her seat.

  The vicar looked around the room to see if anybody else wanted to say some words but nobody moved and he resumed his monotonous dialogue and ended the service.

  “I’m gonna go before it finishes and everybody in this room lynches me.” I whispered to Jen. Her eyes perused my face but she nodded. “Can I come and see you later?” I asked cautiously.

  She pulled in a breath and chewed on her bottom lip, the action lighting my desire for her but I swallowed it back.

  Not in church, Boss, bloody hell!

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ethan.”

  I frowned at her. “But, I thought…”

  “You thought what?” she hissed quietly as people turned to hush us. “You thought because I had held your hand through your brother’s funeral that everything was fine and dandy?” She scoffed and turned her attention back to the vicar.

  “Please, Jen. Just to talk. I need to… talk.”

  And touch you and feel you and breathe you and just be near you.

  She sighed and clenched her teeth together before scorching me with her blazing angry eyes, “Fine.”

  “Thank you.” I whispered as I lifted her hand to my mouth and placed a gentle kiss on her knuckles. She snatched her hand away and bit into her lower lip and I winced at the pain in my chest.

  “8 o’clock. I’m staying at Zoe’s” she muttered and I nodded before I scurried down the church and met E at the bottom, both of us making our escape before the mob of haters had a chance to execute me. God included.

  Chapter 24

  Jen opened the door to me and walked away down the hallway and into the kitchen. I huffed out a weary sigh but followed her.

  She waved a hand at a chair and I plonked down heavily in it. “Coffee, beer?” she asked devoid of emotion or without turning to me.

  “Beer would be good, thanks.”

  I noticed the drag of her feet across the floor towards the fridge and my body wheezed at her obvious distress and fatigue. “You okay?”

  She shrugged as she handed me the bottle and perched herself opposite me. “The baby?” I asked although something inside me told me the answer before she did.

  She sighed and turned to gaze out of the window before she looked back at me and shook her head with a pool of moisture in her sad eyes.

  “Oh, Christ Jen…”

  She tilted her head in pain and held a hand up to me as I reached across the table for her. “I’m so sorry, baby.” I whispered as her pain decimated me. Her eyebrows lifted quickly whilst she pursed her lips. “When?”

  “The night Kyle died, when I got home from E’s” she divulged quietly as her finger tracked the pattern in the grain of wood on the table.

  “Sweetheart, why the hell didn’t you phone me?”

  She scoffed as she drew in a breath and lifted her eyes to mine, “And where was you, Ethan?”

  I rolled my lips and nodded in resignation. She knew I would have been drunk at the time our baby died and I suddenly hated everything I was, despised the fact that my own needs came before the woman I loved and the child I would never meet.

  I pushed my chair back and flung myself up. “Fuck, Jen! How the hell did we get here?”

  Palming the counter I gazed through the window at the small yard at the back of Zoe’s house and smiled at Romeo pinning Zoe down on the grass as he tickled her, their carefree exploits aching my own heart. “What did he say?” I asked quietly, not wanting to know but desperate to learn.

  She was silent for a moment but her sigh sounded loud in the quietness of the room. “That he forgave us, he loved me and he finally realised how much he had hurt us. He said… he said we had poisoned him and gave him a disease of rage and hatred that was slowly suffocating him.”

  I nodded in agreement as I still stared at a now kissing couple on the back yard but turned back to Jen when Romeo palmed Zoe’s boob.

  Jen found my gaze as pain flashed over her face. “When he was… dying, he told me he didn’t blame you; that you had done it because you loved me that much. He knew what you had done, even if I couldn’t see it, Ethan. He knew.”

  I rubbed my hands over my face before I looked at her. “I did it for us, Jen. To stop his relentless push on you, his overbearing, dominant hold over you – his abuse. I did it for us, baby.”

  She shook her head in astonishment. “What the hell did you expect, Ethan? That I would get down on my knees and be eternally grateful that you murdered your own brother.”

  “I didn’t murder my own brother!” I argued.

  Her eyes widened at me in disbelief. “Specifics, Ethan. You ordered the hit, you took his choices away, and you took my choices away.”

  “What the hell, Jen. What do you want me to say? Hell, I dunno… Yes, I ordered the hit, yes I wanted him dead. Wrong? Yeah… very, but that’s the only way I could see a way out, Jen. I won’t apologise for wanting you. I won’t say sorry for trying to protect you and I will not ask for forgiveness for loving you that much.”

  “Just go, Ethan.” She sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair in frustration.

  My anger with her dismissal saw me trapping her against the wall under my heat, her tiny frame simmering beneath me as her breathing sped up and her eyes flashed. “Move!” she hissed at me as she pushed at my chest.

  “No, not until you listen.”

  “I’ve done nothing but listen to you, Ethan, but that’s the problem; you are all fucking talk. Where’s the remorse? Where’s the guilt and self-hatred at what you have done? He died whilst he held my fucking hand, Ethan. His last words were that he loved me! Fuck, ya’ know! After everything we did to him, he still fucking loved me and forgave us. That’s pretty fucked up, Ethan.”

  My eyes scanned from her hairline, along her pert little nose and down to the soft supple contours of her pliant lips. I closed my ey
es, frantically trying to control myself at the urge to kiss her, her feistiness turning me on and making me hard.

  “Do you think I don’t feel the burden of what I have done? Do you think I have just brushed under the carpet what I have done to my own brother? For you, Jen. FOR YOU, DAMN IT!”

  Her eyes fired as her teeth sank into her lip to stop the retort she wanted to voice. “I don’t expect you to be grateful, Jen but fuck, I expected you to understand why.”

  She drew in a heavy breath and glared at me. “I do understand, Ethan. That’s the problem. That’s the fucking problem because… because I – understand…”

  She broke down then, her tears mixing with her snot as she fought to breathe against the violence of her sobs, her whole body trembling with each desperate cry and her retches fierce at the strength of each howl.

  I pulled her in tight, holding her hard and firm as she let it out and grieved for Kyle, mourned the loss of our baby and just accepted it all.

  “Ssshhh, baby. I love you, Jen. So damn much that I… I did it for you…”

  She pushed at me, pushed me away harshly as her face darkened. “No! Stop saying that, Ethan. You did it for yourself! Please, just go!”

  “I won’t let you do this, Jen. Not after everything we’ve been through. I will – not – accept – it!”

  “You don’t have a choice, Ethan.” She turned to the window and I noticed her fists clench, “I don’t want you. I don’t want you anywhere near me, you disgust me.”

  The bile rose up my throat rapidly at her harsh words as my stomach churned and my heart broke, shattered within me as my soul fought to catch the pieces before they turned to dust around me.