Never Turn Back

by Lorna Lee

Meri reminded Siri of her midnight curfew. They arrived at nine o’clock and sat strategically at a table near the round bar. They both ordered a glass of champagne, hoping it would be the last drink they would have to pay for.

  At about nine-thirty, two more glasses of champagne arrived at their table. Siri’s eyes darted back and forth while Meri’s eyebrows furrowed. They looked at each other and then at the waiter. His grin was crooked and thin— un serveur arrogante, Meri thought. Then she spoke with authority she didn’t feel, “Monsieur, we didn’t order these. Please take them back.” Meri did not have extra money to spend.

  “You misunderstand, Mademoiselles. These drinks are compliments of the two men sitting at the bar over there.” He pointed to the other side of the circular bar. Two men raised their champagne glasses as they watched both Siri and Meri stretch their necks to see them. Four nervous smiles wobbled in the smoky air.

  Siri took over. “Sir, please tell the gentlemen that we thank them for this kind gesture.” Winking at Meri, she said, “Tell them they’re welcome to join us.”

  Meri let out an audible gasp.

  The waiter nodded and left. Siri patted Meri’s leg. “It’ll be fine. This is exactly what we hoped for, and we were only here half an hour!”

  Meri peeked over at the two men. As the waiter talked to them, they nodded enthusiastically.

  “Mon Dieu! Siri, they’re coming over!” Meri turned her head around as if checking her quickest means of escape.

  “Calm down, Meri. It’s just drinks and chatting. Nothing more. These men are gentlemen. We’re at the Ritz.”

  “Fine.” Meri smoothed the material of her dress around her hips and lap area. She fussed with her hair.

  “Stop. You look nervous!” Siri whispered as she adjusted her necklace.

  “I am nervous,” Meri whispered back as the two men arrived at their table.

  “Bonsoir, Mademoiselles. May I introduce my brother and myself?” The man who spoke had curly dark hair cropped close to his head and slathered with cream to keep it lying smoothly. His eyes were big and brown, and his skin was rather pale. A large nose and prominent ears, however, dominated his appearance. They seemed to have arrived before he did. His suit was made from rough, cheap wool and the cut was common. He speaks like a gentleman, but he’s not a rich man.

  Siri and Meri nodded simultaneously.

  “I’m Josef Ticktin and this is my younger brother, Amiel.” Amiel bowed his head in introduction. If he is this man’s brother, he inherited his looks from a different parent, Meri mused. Amiel had lighter hair and he wore it longer, allowing his natural waves to flow around his narrow face. He, too, had large features: eyes, nose, lips, ears. On him, they worked well together, perhaps it was the length of his face or the way his hair drew attention to itself and away from his other features. Whatever the reason, Amiel was the more handsome of the two.

  “Pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m Siri and this is Meri.” Siri raised her glass of champagne and smiled. “Merci! Please sit down.” She set her glass down after taking a sip and motioned for them to sit.

  A moment of awkward silence followed as the two men sat.

  “It’s Amiel’s thirtieth birthday today. We’re here celebrating.” Josef looked at Amiel as if for confirmation.

  “Indeed it is.” Amiel agreed. “How about another round of champagne?”

  “Lovely!” Siri clapped her hands.

  “Happy birthday.” Meri raised her glass and drank the contents in one gulp.

  Amiel laughed as he did the same.

  “Happy birthday, Amiel!” Siri quickly added and drank her wine.

  Josef motioned for the waiter to bring another round of drinks.

  “Meri, do you come here often?” Amiel moved his chair closer to her.

  “Non. This is the first time Siri and I have been here. And you?”

  “This is our first time, too. Imagine the coincidence! Someone up there is playing matchmaker.” Amiel stared directly into her eyes.

  Meri blushed. She turned to Siri. Her friend had a thin, false smile pasted on her face. What’s going on here? Meri wondered. She noticed Josef cozying up to Siri, his eyes fixed on her. In some unspoken deal, couples had formed. Meri was happy with Amiel, but Siri did not seem pleased with Josef.

  “What kind of work do you do?” Meri looked at Amiel and then at Josef. Perhaps if I include both of them, this ‘couples’ thing will disappear.

  Amiel leaned in even closer to Meri, never releasing his gaze from her gray eyes. “We’re watch makers. We make time.” He laughed and touched Meri’s hand. She hoped he did not notice how rough they were. She had slathered them with lotion in preparation for the evening.

  Josef gently pushed his brother. “Forgive my little brother. We rarely drink champagne, and he’s had a little too much.”

  “Is it true? Do you make watches?” Meri was curious.

  Siri remained silent and stared at the table, not wanting to encourage Josef by looking at him.

  “Oui. We both make time pieces of all kinds, but mostly watches. We’re the proprietors of Ticktins and Sons.”

  “And we’re the sons.” Amiel raised his empty glass.

  “Interesting,” Meri said.

  “Everyone needs to know the time. Our business is good even in these hard times.” Josef spoke to his half-empty glass. The bubbles in his glass seemed more animated and interesting than the now aloof Siri.

  “Another round?” Amiel nodded to his older brother.

  Siri finally spoke. “I don’t think so. Meri works in the morning. We must be on our way.” She gave Meri her wide-eyed I’ve had enough signal.

  “Oui.” Meri said. “It’s best we go.” She got up to leave.

  Amiel reached over and held onto her forearm. “Please don’t leave yet. It’s only ten. We’ve barely had a chance to get acquainted.”

  Siri stood. Josef joined her. He tipped his head to one side and smiled timidly at Siri, silently asking her to stay. She reached down and tapped Meri’s free hand. “Come on, Meri. We really must go.”

  “At least tell me where you live or how I can find you. I would love to take you to dinner some time.” Amiel’s pleading look and firm grip did not bother Meri. She smiled.

  Meri had to think quickly. She did not want to tell this man she worked as a maid, but she wanted to meet with him again. He seemed pleasant and attractive enough for a future husband. He owned a business, too. Siri is probably jealous Amiel picked me over her, Meri thought. If Amiel had picked her, we would be staying.

  “Perhaps we could meet here again in two weeks? My work keeps me away for long periods of time,” Meri said. Meri would have to think of something to tell him about her work. Two weeks should give her enough time to fabricate a plausible story.

  Amiel bowed his head and then shrugged. “If I must wait two weeks for you, I’ll wait. Shall we say eight o’clock to give us more time?”

  Both Siri and Josef had been standing awkwardly listening to them negotiate the terms of their next date. Finally Siri spoke, reminding them of the two other people still at the table. “You’ve settled your next rendezvous. Good. I’m leaving. Josef. Amiel. Merci. Buying us drinks was generous. I wish you continued success in your business. Au revoir.” She could have been speaking to businessmen at the embassy.

  “Bonsoir, Mademoiselles. Merci. The evening was lovely.” Josef offered his hand to each woman, who shook it in turn. Another business transaction completed professionally and with courtesy.

  Amiel was not so formal. “Bonne nuit, sweet Meri. I’ll count the days until we meet here again.” He took her hand and kissed the palm.

  Meri blushed and giggled ever so softly. “Bonsoir, messieurs. I had a wonderful, if brief, evening,” she said to both of them. Turning to Amiel, she whispered, “Two weeks.” She gently, reluctantly, pulled her hand away from his. Both women turned and left the noisy bar—one more hastily and stiffly than the other.

  They walked in
silence for several blocks. Even though Meri wanted to chatter on and on about Amiel, she realized Siri did not want to hear her childish musings about possible romance. If Siri had found a man she liked and I didn’t, Meri wondered, would she keep silent and worry about my feelings?

  Meri could not endure the clack-clack of their shoes on the sidewalk any longer. “What did you think of the Ticktin brothers?”

  “I think you got the one I wanted.” Siri had not lost her Finnish bluntness.

  “Josef seemed like a kind gentleman.”

  “Ha! Then why didn’t you flirt with Josef and leave Amiel to me?”

  “Siri, be fair. Amiel started flirting with me. Josef had eyes for you right from the start. He’s a man with superb taste.”

  “A repulsive face, too! Imagine our children? If they got his big nose and ears, I don’t think I could bear to look at them…or him.” She over exaggerated a shudder.

  Both women stopped and faced each other. They started laughing so hard tears rolled down their cheeks. Finding it difficult to catch her breath, Siri, choked out an apology. “Oh…Meri. I’m…ah…ooh…sorry for…for…being so…” she erupted with more laughter. “…horrible in there. Both men must…ah…think I’m a bitch and you’re a…a…” More giggles bubbling up “…a saint.”

  Meri agreed. Siri was rude and Amiel was definitely the pick of the evening.

  After calming down, Siri took Meri by the hand and said, “I’m happy for you. I am. Maybe this watchmaker is the one for you. At least you have a chance at a handsome and agreeable husband.”

  “You’ll get your chance, too, Siri.”

  “Maybe. Ask Amiel if he has a younger brother. Maybe the younger these Ticktins are, the better looking they get!” They began laughing again.

  §

  Amiel and Meri met again for drinks and dinner at the appointed time. She told him she helped a wealthy couple, manage their two estates. “Madame is German and a terrible task-master. She can be very difficult, but Monsieur is kind and looks out for me. All in all, I like my job,” she said, hugging the edge of the truth to feel comfortable.

  Each time they met, their fondness for the other grew. Meri sensed he might, one day, be her husband. She even practiced saying Meri Ticktin in her private moments. With every encounter, Amiel attempted to become more physically intimate with his new amoureuse, but the timidity in his advances made him different from the other men Meri had encountered. He asked permission to kiss her or to hold her hand in public. Meri suspected she was much more experienced in sex than this sweet man, making him more endearing to her.

  Much to Meri’s (and probably Amiel’s) surprise, Meri initiated their first sexual encounter. They had been seeing each other for about three months, which amounted to six times given Meri’s schedule.

  Sitting on a secluded park bench after dinner, they waited for darkness to descend. They began kissing, wrapped in each other’s arms. Amiel’s hands found Meri’s breasts. She responded by pressing herself closer to him. She moaned. With Amiel, these acts were pleasurable, not repulsive. She moved one of her legs up onto his lap. Her knee met his hard crotch. He moaned.

  Meri broke the kiss. “Can we continue this at your home?” She began to nibble on his ear. For some reason, men like this—a lesson she learned from her past experiences with her former employers.

  “Josef will be there. Oh, let’s do it anyway.” Amiel squeezed her breast and bit at her neck, right beneath her ear. Shivers scattered throughout her body. He took her hand and they dashed to a small side street, giggling as if they were school children on a naughty mission. He stood in front of the watch shop. Ticktin & Sons, Inc. was etched in the glass that separated the street from a mesmerizing display of clocks and watches, all subtly moving in perfect rhythm, displaying the same time.

  “This is your shop?” Meri knew it was, but she was in such awe that her statement came out as a question.

  “Oui. Josef and I live above the shop. You should hear the place when the cuckoo clocks go off every hour! We’ve learned to sleep through it, which is good for us.” He winked at Meri.

  “What do you mean?”

  He smiled. “Hopefully Josef is sleeping. If we’re quieter than twenty clocks shouting out the hour, he won’t know you’re here or what we’re doing.”

  “Oh.” Meri nodded.

  “Come on. It’s almost nine. The clocks will go off and we can sneak in.”

  “Will Josef be asleep this early? What about your parents?”

  “Josef acts likes an old man—up with the sun, works all day, and in bed by eight most nights.”

  Meri kept silent and didn’t move.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “Your parents?”

  “Sorry. My mother died when I was twelve. My father died two years ago. He started the business and left it to us—his only sons. His only children.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Kissing Meri full on the lips, Amiel said, “Meri, let’s not waste what time we have talking about my parents. Tonight is for us.”

  Meri nodded and smiled.

  Bells gonged, birds sang, and chimes toned. It was nine o’clock. “You see? Josef can sleep through anything!” They ran inside. Weaving through the maze of clocks and watch display cases, Amiel lead Meri up a steep set of stairs to a narrow hallway with mostly closed doors on both sides.

  As they passed each door, he whispered. “A storage closet. The washroom. Josef’s bedroom. Shush.” They passed a small kitchen and the dining and sitting rooms. “Here’s my room.” Amiel gently turned the knob. The door creaked as it opened.

  He had a small room, but the space was tidy. A good sign, Meri thought. I won’t have to pick up too much after this man.

  They stood in the center of the room, kissing. Then Amiel inched Meri over to his bed, still locked in each other’s arms. When they reached the edge of the bed, they fell onto it awkwardly. Meri, used to being the only one naked, tried to free her arms so she could undress herself.

  When Amiel sensed what she was doing, he pulled away and started to pull off his own clothes.

  Meri stopped. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m getting undressed. Aren’t you? I…I thought that you wanted to…to…” Amiel’s voice was a pitch or two higher than normal.

  “Of course I want to. This is the first time—”

  “Meri! This is your first time!”

  “Non, Amiel. This isn’t my first time with a man. Let me finish.” She kissed him on the nose and mussed his hair to show him she was not angry. “This is the first time I’m not the only one undressing.”

  “Really?”

  “Oui. Don’t ask me why. I’m so happy to be doing this with you—naked you.”

  “As you wish!” He stripped as if his clothes were on fire.

  Illuminated only by the street lights coming through the sheer curtains on the single window in his room, Meri could see Amiel’s nakedness. For the first time, I’m not the only one vulnerable.

  “Oh, Meri. You’re so beautiful. I’m such a lucky man.” He planted kisses all over her body. Massaging her ample breasts, he grew hard and rubbed himself on her thighs and belly.

  She enjoyed the feel of the entirety of a man’s body against hers. His touch was gentle but urgent. This was not just sex; it was love-making.

  Amiel made up for in kindness what he lacked in stamina. Nearly the moment he entered her, he climaxed. Even with the condom. The other men made sex last a long, horrible time. She wanted to savor her experience with Amiel and it was over before it began—at least for her.

  He apologized in the most flattering way. “You’re too ravishing. I couldn’t help myself. I’ll try to have more self-control next time…There will be a next time, oui?”

  “Don’t worry, mon amour.” Meri stroked his wavy hair, tucking it behind his ears. “I hope there will be many more ‘next times’ to enjoy each other. I feel safe with you. I’ve never felt safe with any other man
. Well, any other man in this way.”

  “Meri, I’ll always protect you and keep you safe. You have stolen my heart.”

  Resting quietly in each other’s arms, they both jumped at the sounds of the clocks beneath them reporting the ten o’clock hour.

  §

  The more time Meri spent with Amiel, the less time she could spare for Siri. Both women regretted the infrequency of their meetings so they began writing letters as a substitute.

  Writing and receiving these notes was therapeutic for both women, who came to miss each other’s company and counsel. Meri learned Siri found a beau—a Finnish man recently hired at the embassy. She wrote, “He is an accomplished and enthusiastic partner on the dance floor and elsewhere.” Siri also expressed concern for Meri due to the worsening financial picture in Europe. “The Dorvals may not be able to hang onto their wealth. They may not need as many staff. Then what will you do? Even if Amiel marries you, his business isn’t one that’s necessary in an economic crisis. If people are unemployed, watches to make sure they’re on time for work makes no sense.”

  Meri’s letters to Siri talked of the future with Amiel or the present with Madame. Regardless of the economy, Madame was not happy. She was unhappy by nature, so Meri always wondered about her job security. Monsieur Dorval continued to act as her protector for reasons she could not explain.

  One afternoon, while Meri served coffee and cake to the Dorvals and their house guests, she overheard a disturbing conversation that she did not fully understand. Except for Amiel, Siri was the only person Meri trusted in Paris. And Siri had inside information about political affairs because of her work at the embassy. Meri asked Siri about the conversation she overheard when some of Madame’s family from Germany came to visit. Since Monsieur Dorval was part of the conversation, they spoke French, so she understood what was being said. Antoinette had been right: maids hear everything.

  She wrote to Siri the day after.

  17 October, 1932

  Ma Chère Amie,

  I trust you are happy and well. I miss you and our croissants and coffees together. How can we be in the same city yet so far away from each other? Ah, well. I won’t always be a maid.