Never Turn Back

by Lorna Lee

  Siri. I know nothing of the world except the small part of it I clean. But something I heard last week upset me. In part, I’m confused and in part, I’m frightened. Perhaps you know something from your work at the embassy that can help me understand.

  Madame invited her family from Germany to stay last week. Imagine! All those Germans and poor Monsieur Dorval (and me)! I had to work late every night because she entertained them for five days straight. When alone, they spoke only their harsh German, but when Monsieur was there, they spoke French (mostly).

  That’s when I heard them speak of war as a solution to the economic downfall of Europe and how the “despicable Jews” were at the heart of the financial crisis affecting all the good people. They said that the Jews should be punished. Only Monsieur disagreed. Madame’s brother-in-law said if something wasn’t done about “those evil people” that France’s way of life would be threatened. Madame agreed.

  Have you heard anything about wars and Jews? I don’t even know who the Jews are! Are they really the cause of our economic problems? Do Jews have their own country that we will go to war against? I don’t understand.

  Amiel and I are still very much in love, but he hasn’t asked me to marry him. He’s an old-fashioned young man, I think. We’ve only known each other for seven months. Maybe he’s waiting for a special time. What do you think?

  Ta Chère Amie,

  Meri

  About ten days later, Meri received this reply.

  22 October, 1932

  Ma Chère Amie,

  All is well with me. I’m dancing every part of myself silly! Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I’m very glad Josef Ticktin was so homely! I’ll never forget how we laughed and laughed on our way home that night. I miss you terribly, Meri.

  To address your many questions and concerns about the conversations you heard among the Germans, I wish I knew more. I know you think I’m an important person at the Embassy, but I just type letters and run errands. But I hear things, like you, from time to time.

  It’s all very secretive around here, too. War is something that’s been discussed among some of the officials at the Embassy. “War happens when too many people have nothing left to lose.” That’s what I heard. That’s why there’s so much concern about financial stability or instability in Europe and, I suppose, around the world.

  As for the Jews, I don’t know, Meri. No one here speaks of them one way or the other. After I got your letter, I asked a few people around here about Jews. They said Jews are people who follow a certain religion called Judaism. It’s different from Christianity but I don’t know how. Some people think that Jews are very good business people and call them “God’s chosen people.” That’s all I know. Why would the Germans think that good business people are the cause of our economic crisis? That doesn’t make sense to me. Neither does rejecting a perfectly wonderful Finnish seamstress work in the Parisian fashion district. Either I’m not very smart or the world is a place full of nonsense!

  I hope Amiel proposes to you soon so you don’t have to live with Madame Fussy Bossy! Then we’ll go out and have a proper double date.

  Until the next time,

  Ta Chère Amie,

  Siri

  Because Siri made such a disrespectful reference to Madame and because Meri was never sure if Madame searched her room, Meri destroyed Siri’s letter. Indeed, Meri destroyed all letters or personal mementos from Amiel. Zara, the other maid, warned her not to keep anything personal. Madame liked to use personal items against her staff—if not to fire them, at least to taunt them into her preferred style of loyalty: fear.

  After the Germans left, Meri heard the Dorvals argue many times about war and the Jews. Meri’s curiosity got the better of her one afternoon when Monsieur happened to be strolling in the garden, taking Soldat for a walk.

  “Pardon, Monsieur. May I have a word with you?”

  “Oui, Meri. What do you need?” His face brightened.

  “Forgive me for being so bold, but I’ve heard you argue with Madame about frightful issues like a possible war and that Jews are the cause of all our economic troubles. I’m concerned that I might lose my job, and I don’t understand.” She trained her eyes on Soldat’s back while she spoke.

  “My dear, please try not to worry about your job. It’s secure as far as I’m concerned. I pay your wages, even though Madame is in charge of the household staff.” He reached over and patted her on the back, leaving his hand resting there a moment before he removed it.

  “What about this war?”

  “I cannot predict the future. A year ago I would have laughed the Germans out of my house. Today, I am concerned that their man, Hitler, is a real troublemaker. He is the one who blames the Jewish people for all of the problems in Europe and the world. In my opinion he is a maniac and a dangerous one.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he has the ear of enough of the Germans that he may actually become powerful in their government. If that happens, he will start a war.”

  Meri stopped. “Mon Dieu!”

  “I said ‘if,’ Meri. Now he is spewing his propaganda and has a relatively small following, my wife and her family being among them. That’s what the arguments are about.”

  “Do you believe the part about the Jews, Monsieur?”

  “Not for a moment, but there are enough people who already do that I wouldn’t want to be a Jew living anywhere in Europe right now.”

  “I understand the situation a little better. Merci.”

  He turned to the house. “Good, no one is looking.” Reaching down, he hugged her and whispered in her ear. “I’ll keep you safe, Meri. I promise. You brighten up the house for me.”

  Meri stood paralyzed. What should I do? Hug him back? Mon Dieu! Why does he like me so much?

  Before she had a chance to do or say anything, he broke the embrace and said, “I best get back to the house before I am missed. Very nice chatting with you, Meri.” He abruptly turned and strode back to the residence.

  Meri continued walking Soldat, more confused than ever.

  §

  On November 11, Armistice Day or Remembrance Day, a national day of celebration in France to mark the end of World War I, Meri awoke sweating and with severe nausea. This was the first time she had suffered any sickness in the almost ten years she had been in France. Always a robust child, she took her good health for granted.

  Madame’s normal sour disposition worsened at the news of her illness. “At least complete the light cleaning and, for God’s sake, tend to Soldat. Dismissed.”

  Meri did as she was told. While walking Soldat, she let her mind wander to the place she forbade it to go in the past several weeks. Her “time of the month” had come and gone, but the bleeding never came. We use a condom every time, she told herself. There must be something else wrong with me. She worried about having a serious disease. Her midsection felt heavy, and she was tired all of the time. Consumption? One of those dreadful sexual diseases Tuula told me about?

  Meri asked Zara if she knew any doctors. Zara gave her the name of a doctor who saw people of their class. Zara warned her, “Unless you dying wit lot off blood comink out, Madame don’t let dock-tor come to here. You go to heem. He haff time at night when da work is done for you. He is goot man. He fix you up goot,” she said in her Czechoslovakian accent. She nodded at Meri. Meri nodded back, unwilling and unable to argue.

  The doctor had both satisfying and shocking news. Relieved to learn she was not dying, Meri relaxed for a moment. Her brief relaxation ended with the confirmation that she was pregnant. This is one Remembrance Day I will never forget.

  Meri kept the news to herself until the end of November. She did not want to force Amiel into marrying her, something he might think manipulative women do. Would Madame fire her? Meri guessed she would, but Monsieur might intervene. Could she hang her future on the possibility of his sympathy and his minimal influence over his wife? She had broken all ties with Tuula, the one woman wh
o knew about raising a child as a single woman in Paris. Aborting the child was inconceivable. Returning to Finland was unthinkable. Damn condoms!

  She told Siri first. Meri took a big risk and asked Monsieur Dorval if she could use his telephone. “I’m not feeling well, Monsieur. I simply wish to call my only friend at the Finnish Embassy to ask her to visit me. I promise. I’ll be quick and only use the telephone this one time.” Meri held her hands in front of her belly, still perfectly normal from the outside.

  “Of course, Meri. Such a simple request for one who works so hard for us, but…ah…don’t tell the other staff about this. Let’s keep this between you and me. The walls in this house have ears and tongues.” He winked at her. If he was older, shorter, less refined, and not so handsome, he could be my Papa. Her heart surged just thinking about her Papa, the man who taught her to love and to live. He was probably dead now.

  “Merci, Monsieur. You’ve always been so kind to me.” Meri blushed, wondering if she would ever outgrow this childish reaction to her insecurities.

  He waved his hand. “A simple favor for a brave young Finnish girl who came into my shop with a beautiful lace dress.” He grinned and patted her on the shoulder.

  My Papa would like this man.

  §

  “Pregnant!” Siri shouted.

  Meri told her as they were sitting on a park bench near the Dorval residence. “Shush! Now even the pigeons know!” Meri scolded her friend.

  Still with a frantic quality to the pace of her speech, Siri said more quietly, “How did this happen? Didn’t you use protection? What are you going to do? Does he know yet? He better marry you now!”

  “Siri, stop. You’re exhausting me. I asked you here to calm me down. I need advice, not more questions.” She had at least one free hand always placed on her belly since she found out. Why am I doing this? Is it an act of protection? Of what—or who: my reputation, my job, my future with Amiel, my figure?

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m shocked.”

  “Me too.”

  As was their habit, the women faced each other for a brief moment to let what they just said sink in, and then they began to laugh. Meri missed laughing. She never laughed with anyone but Siri…and Soldat. Amiel was charming and could be clever, but he never made her laugh like Siri did.

  “So, Siri, what shall I do?” She glanced down at her belly. Now both hands were covering it.

  “You’re going to keep the baby, right?”

  “The baby?” Meri stared blankly at her friend. Not once since she had learned she was pregnant had the word “baby” come up—not in her mind or in any conversation…until now.

  “Oui, the baby. That is what you’re having!”

  “I know, but saying it makes it seem so…so different and important. Mon Dieu, Siri! I’m going to be a mother! Of a baby. The last time I took care of a baby was in Finland. Mamma had a little boy late in life and she didn’t want to raise him, so other than feeding him from her breast, I took care of him. Jani was, I mean, is, his name. I raised Jani, and now I’m going to raise my own child.” Meri spoke as if this realization had just dawned on her.

  “So you are keeping your baby, right?”

  Meri nodded a weak nod.

  “Of course you are. You couldn’t live with the terrible sin of killing a baby. I suppose you could give him or her away for adoption…”

  “Assuming Amiel doesn’t marry me.” Meri added.

  “So he doesn’t know yet.”

  Meri shook her head. “How do I tell him? He may think I planned this to trap him into marriage. Men think women are devious.”

  “Surely not Amiel. He loves you, doesn’t he?”

  “He says he does. But it’s a long voyage between love and marriage. I haven’t even told him where I work or what I do—just that I work for a rich couple and the Madame is mean to me.”

  “You haven’t told him anything about your job or the baby? Meri! This man loves someone he doesn’t even know!” Siri slapped her hands against her cheeks.

  Meri looked away. “He hasn’t asked about my work. I suppose he isn’t the curious type.” Looking back at Siri, Meri shrugged.

  “Meri.” Siri’s tone sounded like a disappointed parent.

  “When I tell him he’s going to be a father, I’ll tell him the rest. Perhaps the fact I’m a lowly maid will fade in comparison to the other news.”

  “Mon Dieu! Meri. You certainly get yourself into some interesting predicaments.”

  “Sometimes with no help from you,” Meri said with a smile. For some reason talking about her pregnancy with Siri made the situation seem less bleak.

  “Does Madame Fussy Bossy have any idea about the baby?” Siri asked.

  “Non. I only hope Monsieur will advocate for me or Amiel marries me. Otherwise I’ll be in big trouble. My savings won’t carry me far.”

  “Well, I suggest you speak with Amiel. He’s your best bet, by far. You don’t want to raise this child alone, Meri.”

  Meri nodded. She was thinking of the many times as a young girl she had to tend to Jani by herself. It was hard, even though her mother and her siblings were living with her. Perhaps it was hard because they were living with her and chose not to help. She shook the memory off, not wanting to dwell in the past.

  The future is what she needed to pour her limited energy into. Her normal Saturday with Amiel was coming up, and she had to figure out the best way to tell him her…their news.

  §

  Meri waited until after they had finished a satisfying meal and were in Amiel’s room. She could hear Josef moving around somewhere in the apartment. He was well aware his younger brother had a woman, so there was no more need for secrecy.

  As they lay in each other’s arms with Amiel nuzzling Meri’s ash blonde hair, Meri took a deep breath. “Amiel, I have news. Important news.”

  “What’s so important it can’t wait until after we make love?” He reached down and patted her round derrière.

  She smiled in spite of herself. Amiel, a playful man, provided such a welcomed relief to her dreary, toilsome life with Madame. Would a baby seal their relationship or make him run from her? There was only one way to find out. “You’re impossible, Amiel! This news can’t wait. If I don’t tell you now, I may lose my courage.”

  “All right, mon amour. Tell me.” He sighed and kissed her on top of her head. His hand, however, stayed on her buttocks.

  “You’re the only man I’ve ever been this close to, Amiel.”

  “Meri, you’re the only woman who exists in my world. What’s this news? You’re beginning to worry me.”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  She waited with eyes closed for his response.

  Silence.

  Meri finally opened her eyes and looked at him. “Did you hear me? I have your baby inside me.”

  He nodded.

  “Well?” Meri’s gray eyes darkened. “Are you going to say anything?”

  “How long…how long have you known?”

  “That’s your first question? Not, am I all right?” Meri slid to the other side of the bed. They were still fully clothed and she was glad. She wrapped her sweater tighter around her. “I’ve known for several weeks. I don’t have a big belly that everyone can see, so I’m not too far along. That’ll happen soon enough.” She turned her head and stared out of the window.

  “Meri. I’m sorry. The news is, well, unexpected. We always use protection.”

  “This protection isn’t so good.”

  Amiel reached for Meri. “I was waiting until Hanukkah to ask you to marry me.” He paused and smiled meekly. “So we just speed things up.” He spoke more rapidly. “We’re happy with each other, and now we’re going to have a baby. We’ll get married. It’ll be fine. Josef loves children, and we need a son to carry on the business.” With each breath, Amiel seemed more excited about his future with Meri and their child, certain it would be a boy.

  Meri took his hand and smiled. He said everyt
hing she had hoped for. Only one thing confused her. “When were you going to ask me to marry you? Hanaku?”

  He laughed. “It’s pronounced Han-noo-kah. And it’s the Jewish Festival of Lights. A festival of dedication. Perfect, oui?” His eyes beamed. He continued, apparently not noticing Meri’s blank eyes. “We never talked about religion, but I guessed you’re a Christian. You celebrate Christmas, right? We celebrate Hanukkah. To marry me, you’ll have to convert to Judaism and our children will be raised as Jews. Is that a problem for you, Meri?”

  Meri turned silent. All she heard was the guttural way Amiel pronounce this festival word as if clearing his throat. Has he spoken this way before? Have I not noticed? Is that how Jews talk? Will my baby speak from the bottom of her throat? She dropped his hand and placed both of her hands on her stomach. Nausea overwhelmed her.

  “What’s the matter, Meri. Are you feeling all right?” Amiel slid over to sit beside her and held her. He stroked her head and back. His touch felt both comforting and vexing.

  “Non. I’m not. All of a sudden I feel sick.”

  “Is it the baby?” Amiel was already the concerned, loving husband and father.

  “Oui…in a way.”

  “What do you mean?” His touches were soft, gentle, disturbing.

  “You’re a Jew.” Her voice sounded as flat as the floor. She said it as a statement of fact, not an accusation.

  “So what? We love each other. And now you’re having my baby.”

  Love? He never told me he loved me until now. Do I love him? “Jews caused all the financial problems in Europe. A war might happen because of Jews.” Again, she was speaking as if reading from a newspaper.

  “What?” His hand stopped caressing her. “You can’t possibly believe such nonsense! Who filled your head with such horrible lies?”

  “Madame and her family. Siri and Monsieur Dorval also spoke of possible war. He said he wouldn’t want to be a Jew in Europe right now.” She blew out a big breath in frustration. “I know nothing about Jews, and then I hear bad things about them. What am I to believe?”

  “Believe me, Meri. I’m a Jewish man. Do you think I plotted to ruin France’s economy or want a war?” He laughed. It sounded hard, not jocular. “Those Germans. They hate us and always have. Why? You tell me because I don’t know. But you, Meri, aren’t a German. You have no reason to hate me or any Jew.”