A Love Undone

by Cindy Woodsmall

  They entered the clearing Hope had talked about over breakfast. Lester had cleared this area more than a decade ago, and he paid someone to take a swing blade to it at least once every spring. It had some outdoor furniture—an old side table and several chairs covered in pollen. Around the outer edge were a few half-filled bird feeders, and in the center was a small firepit. The cleared ground led to the banks of a creek. One of the huge oaks had a limb overhanging the water with a tire swing attached to it by a rope. The elderly man had some strange ways about him, but this picnic area might be the weirdest thing Andy had discovered yet.

  “Daed, look.” Tobias pointed at a fallen tree that lay across the water, bridging the two banks of the creek. “Can me and Hope eat our lunch there?” He kept his voice soft around the skittish horses.

  “Ya, can we?” Hope’s eyes were filled with almost as much excitement as when she talked about the dogs Ray had brought home and Jolene had agreed to keep.

  Jolene turned to Andy, distress burning in her sapphire eyes. “We don’t go near the creek. The dry land on the bluff over the creek is a haven for wildlife, and we’ll see a lot while here. Even deer come to get a drink, but …”

  Had neither she nor her siblings gone into a creek since her folks died?

  “It’s called adventurous eating.” Andy wasn’t giving in to her fears that easily. “Can you handle it?”

  She stared at the creek. It had a lazy current and was only a few feet deep, but what did she see—her parents drowning? He waited. He would give her whatever time she needed to work past her anxieties, but for her sake he wasn’t yielding to them unless necessary.

  Since their argument, he’d pitched in whenever he could. As determined as she was to help Lester, it meant she currently had a full-time job to add to her other responsibilities. So they had spent dark, cool mornings unloading her wagon, and then he helped her and Hope in the kitchen. He was, after all, one of the handiest of men in the kitchen. If he hadn’t become a decent cook, Tobias would’ve gone hungry too many times, even with Andy’s mother bringing dishes a few times a week.

  He and Jolene spent long, sunny days training and washing the horses. After sunset, when dinner and the dishes were done and they were too weary to work anymore, they spent breezy evenings with Lester, Hope, and Tobias. They’d sit in lawn chairs near the corral as Jolene read aloud by lantern light, entertaining the listeners and helping the horses continue to get comfortable with humans. All the while Andy and Jolene were getting to know each other.

  Those things led straight to the worst part of their getting along—they were too good at it. But he had little choice. There was no hiding from the likes of Jo, and she seemed to need him to talk to—a man she hadn’t helped raise and didn’t feel responsible for molding his character or preparing him for the world ahead. Perhaps she needed to talk to someone who knew a similar heartache to the kind she’d had with Van. They’d both been left behind while their loved one moved on. He wasn’t sure about that part because they hadn’t discussed it. But most of all, she seemed to want someone she could be herself with—not the guarded, parental Jolene or the breadwinning, I-can-do-it Jolene but the one who’d given up marriage to a man she loved in order to hold a family together. And now her siblings were leaving, two in the last eight months, to begin lives of their own.

  Jo told him she’d walked the floors for years, praying each one would grow up whole enough to be happy and independent and whole enough to be a strength to a spouse for the rest of their days. Still, their leaving brought up thoughts and emotions that needed to go somewhere.

  Wisdom said he shouldn’t allow himself to be that place, so he aimed to guard his heart and hers while being a friend. She finally pulled her eyes from the silky current and rubbed her palms together. “I can hardly breathe. Why can’t coming to enjoy the wildlife be enough?”

  “It’s not that deep. If they fall, they just need to stand up.”

  She eased a few steps toward the bank, studying the water, but she didn’t seem convinced. Her breathing was in short spurts now.

  “Jo, I can rescue them if need be.”

  “Both simultaneously?”

  “Absolutely. I promise.”

  Her sapphire eyes locked on his, searching him and herself to know if she trusted him that much. She gave a reluctant nod, and Hope squealed, apparently aware of the conversation she couldn’t overhear.

  Andy motioned toward a small tree. “Be sure to secure your horses. And let Tobias test the fallen tree first so he can warn you which direction it will wobble as you walk it and where it’s slick, okay?”

  “Sure.” Hope laughed. “This is adventurous eating.”

  Tobias and Hope tied their horses, and Andy knew Jolene wasn’t going to budge until the two explorers reached their designated spots and were sitting.

  “You know”—Andy studied the hoofs of the horse Hope had ridden—“I think Lester may need his horse shod too.”

  Van had arrived at Lester’s last Friday, giving Jolene and Andy whatever they needed of his time. Andy asked for a couple of hours each day, because they couldn’t shoe horses that weren’t calm, and he and Jolene couldn’t calm horses without spending most of each day working with them individually.

  “You should mention it to him. He’ll take them into Scarsboro.”

  “That’s ridiculous, especially with Van coming to the farm daily right now.”

  That familiar resignation entered her eyes when speaking of Van, but she didn’t take her focus off Hope as her little sister tried to find her balance on the fallen tree. “You can talk to Lester about it if you want.”

  When he and Van worked as a team to shoe the horses, Jolene disappeared. Van was deeply respectful of Jolene, but she didn’t seem to notice. Around Van, she was quiet, speaking only when spoken to. It was as if she became someone else. “Have you and Van talked since the breakup?”

  Andy wanted to understand her, what made her tick … and what caused her to skip a beat. Van definitely caused her to skip a beat.

  “Sure.” She tensed, watching Hope. Jolene angled her head and fisted her hands as if helping Hope keep her balance. “When necessary.”

  “That’s all?”

  “We’re in the same church district and attend the same meetings, so I have to interact with him and his wife, and I’m very careful to be kind. When I have to work beside his wife serving meals or what have you, I’m always polite. What else do I need to do?”

  “Not for them. For you. It’s been a decade, Jolene, and yet you still aren’t able to be yourself when he’s around.”

  “I’m not around him much, so it doesn’t matter.”

  “I would agree except you disappear as often as possible when he’s around. When he speaks to you, even just to say hello, your shoulders stiffen, and your hands draw into fists—every time.”

  She shrugged, still focusing on Hope. “I hadn’t noticed.”

  “Are you afraid of him?”

  “Van? No way. He just …” She shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter.”

  Maybe it didn’t. He had no interest in making a mountain out of a molehill, but the more they talked, the more clearly he saw a pattern—avoidance. A phone call drew her parents away from home that night, so she didn’t own a phone. A raging creek stole her parents, so she viewed it only from afar. He didn’t know exactly what Van had done, but the issue went deeper than just the breakup, because that was her decision … sort of. Something about Van caused her to fist her hands before going into hiding whenever he was near.

  If Andy could, he would leave at the end of summer having given her the gift of freedom—freedom to wade in creeks, own a phone again, and hold a conversation with Van without needing to flee.

  “I’m glad you like Van.” She tilted her head, watching Hope’s steps. “It doesn’t surprise me that you do, but the relationship works fine as is.”

  What? “This has nothing to do with whether I like him or not. How do you feel abou
t him?”

  Disgust flickered through her eyes. “I’m not in love with him if that’s what you mean.”

  “Okay.” He didn’t think she was. “That should make dealing with whatever is bothering you easier to figure out and fix.”

  She raised an eyebrow, stone faced. “Nothing needs to be fixed.”

  “If you say so …” Without releasing the lead line, Andy walked to a chair, removed his backpack, and set it in the seat.

  Hope paused in her walk toward the center of the log, turned, and waved at Jolene. Jo waved back. “Let’s make the topic of Van off-limits, please.”

  Andy guessed that was fair. He certainly didn’t want to talk about Eva.

  Jolene took a deep breath when Hope and Tobias finally sat on the log. The children put their backpacks beside them and began getting out their food.

  With Hope and Tobias settled, Andy eyed the hitching post on the far side of the clearing. Two weathered round posts held up a third horizontal one. He went to it and shook it. He’d seen better. It was plenty steady for tame horses. Of course a stick on the ground would work for a trained horse. But if his and Jolene’s horses were startled, would the animals bolt with the hitching post in tow?

  Jolene tied her lead. “You’re okay with children perched on a log over rushing water, but you’re worried about horses tied to a hitching post?”

  He smacked the side of his neck, ridding it of a mosquito. “The log-and-creek situation is predictable. The horses aren’t.”

  “Ah. Well, just so you know, if a fish flops, making an unexpected splash, I won’t respond in a predictable manner.” The lilt in her voice indicated her amusement.

  “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a little annoying?” He couldn’t keep from smiling as he teased her. There was no way of knowing what she’d say back to him.

  “Nope. Not one person has used the word little with the phrase you’re annoying.”

  He suppressed his laughter while tying his horse next to hers. “Imagine that.” But from his ten days in Winter Valley, he’d come to realize that Jolene was greatly esteemed. Lester said that even those who’d disagreed with a girl being the head of a household respected her nerve and sacrifice. So Andy doubted anyone had told her she was annoying.

  She pulled a handful of baby carrots out of her backpack to reward the horses.

  He swiped leaves off a chair and sat.

  The one exception to their work routine had been Sunday. The Keims weren’t in the same church district as Lester, and Jolene’s district had a church meeting. Late that evening Jolene, her family, and Preacher Glen had come to Lester’s, prepared a meal, and stayed until bedtime. It’d been enjoyable to watch Jolene interact with her siblings, their spouses, and her two-year-old nephew.

  But Andy knew only one reason why the widower preacher would come with them. He was interested in Jolene. It seemed to Andy that Glen could be a good match for her, but Jo’s body language didn’t indicate any interest in him. Lester said the man was only doing his duty as a preacher by coming for a visit with her and her family, making sure everything with Andy and the horses was above reproach. Andy appreciated any checks on appropriateness. He didn’t want to do something that might lead to rumors about Jolene and him.

  Jolene returned to her backpack, scrubbed her hands with disinfectant, and pulled out a gold hand towel. She brushed the towel across the back of the chair, working her way toward the seat.

  He interlaced his fingers and put them behind his neck. “If you had washed the horses like that, the first one would still be filthy. Besides, waving that towel as if it were a wand, you look like one of those fairies in that book you were reading to Tobias and Hope the other evening.”

  She dangled it against his face. He sputtered and pulled it from her hand.

  “Hey.” She tugged on it. “Let go. I wasn’t finished. My chair is still covered in debris.”

  He leaned forward and made one swipe across the seat. “There. Now sit.”

  She sat and pulled a sandwich out of her backpack. “Here, put a sandwich in it.”

  He took it. “I think I will. Denki.”

  A sense of something unfamiliar tugged at him. Was it an awareness that they were becoming a little too comfortable around each other?

  As a grass widower, he’d wrangled with wayward desires. Who wouldn’t when left with such loneliness? Women were attractive and interesting, but he hadn’t been drawn to anyone in particular. And he had no interest in that changing. He might not look it or feel it, but he was married, and right now Jolene was like nectar to a bee. The pull scared him.

  He knew what he needed to do. He needed to begin praying for Jolene, asking God to bring her a man she could fall in love with and have the family she’d told him she longed for.

  She pulled another sandwich from her backpack.

  Andy noticed a bright-red male cardinal on the bird feeder and a female sitting on the limb above it. The male was taking food to the female, one seed at a time. This must be the mating ritual Jolene had told him about. He pointed to the birds.

  She watched them, smiling. “They pair for life, and he feeds her seeds every spring before they mate. He’ll bring the supplies for the nest, and she’ll build it while he watches. Some books state that when they have young, he’ll feed her or sit on the nest while she eats.”

  Jo obviously liked the idea of romance, and seeing the cardinals like this, he understood why. Lifetime mates, one feeding the other every spring as they built a new nest together. And each year they raised a brood together until one mate died. It was impressive.

  She stood, catching a better view of the children. “What are they doing?”

  Andy glanced. “Feeding the bread from their sandwiches to the fish.”

  “Oh.” She sat. “Did I tell you that Ray plans on going out with his friends again this Friday?”

  “You didn’t, but he must’ve had a good time last weekend.”

  “Clearly. I told him he cannot return with any more stray animals. But why doesn’t he want to talk about who he’s been with?”

  “He’s eighteen and probably looking for a little independence. Did you tell your folks the name of everyone you spent time with?”

  “Absolutely. I had nothing to hide.” She sighed. “Maybe if I’d been a little more defiant, losing them wouldn’t have been like losing myself.”

  “I doubt anything would’ve eased that time. My guess is even those who are estranged from their parents grieve deeply when they die, only for different reasons than you grieved.” Did Eva miss Tobias? When she died and Tobias was informed of it, whether his son was a young man with children or a grandfather, would he grieve for her, for all they never had?

  “After all this time, I’m not sure how much of myself I’ve gotten back.”

  “It’s understandable, Jo. You lost a lot in less than a year, and few people could’ve done half as well as you have. Most would be a wreck.” This was a perfect opening. Should he take it or not? “But you did lose some ground, and you, of all the people I know, deserve to regain it.”

  She leaned in, smiling. “I like the way you see me.” Looking pleased and beautiful, she sat back. “So what is missing from my life that bothers you?”

  “Enjoyment of simple things, starting with the creek.” He motioned from the chairs to the creek, indicating the distance from one to the other. “You and Lester come here, but you’ve never gone down the bank or sat on the log?”

  “I can’t swim.”

  “You could at least wade in it or sit on the log and feed the fish or put a chair on the bank and read a book while letting the water rush over your feet.”

  She watched the creek. “You honestly think something like that matters?”

  “I do. None of us can get back every piece that’s been stolen from us, but we should retrieve as much as possible. Get a phone. Play in the creek. Clear the air with Van.”

  “You seem to have me pegged.” She pulled an apple
from her backpack and held it out to him.

  “Am I out of line?” He reached for it.

  She pulled it back, just out of his reach. “No. Not as long as I get an invitation to spend ten days at your place and discover all your weaknesses.”

  It was an invitation he could never give. Surely she knew that and was just teasing. “I’m sure I have plenty of weak areas I’m not aware of.” He hoped the young woman sitting next to him wouldn’t become one of them.

  “Jolene,” Hope whispered loudly, grinning. “Look.” She pointed down the path that led to the clearing and waved.

  They couldn’t see through the underbrush of the woods, so Jo got up and walked to the start of the path. She put her finger over her lips, telling whoever it was not to yell, and then she waved before returning to her chair. “It’s Glen.”

  Glen? Immediately he felt concerned for Jolene. He shouldn’t have caved and agreed to this picnic. Working beside Jolene at the farm was already pushing the boundaries, but for a married man to go for a picnic beside a creek with a single woman was careless on his part.

  Jolene pulled a water bottle from her backpack and opened it. “I had no idea he was off work today.”

  “What does he do?”

  “Renovations of old but fine hotels. He came to this spot a few Saturdays last fall with his boys, but it seems strange he’d come here on a workday, doesn’t it?”

  “Not strange at all.” Andy figured the man had numerous stakes in this situation, starting with his job as a preacher to protect Jolene’s reputation. Most of all, he apparently desired to protect his interest in Jo. Had the two gone out already? She hadn’t mentioned it.

  The crunching of leaves grew louder until Glen came into view and stopped at the edge of the clearing. A little boy about five was holding his hand, and another boy about four sat on his shoulders. Both were jabbering to Jolene and waving. Glen’s straw hat was in his free hand. Andy knew from the years of Tobias riding on his shoulders that a man could not wear a broadbrim with a little one on his shoulders. Glen was lanky with a little gray edging in his black hair and beard. The other thing Andy had noticed was that he had kind eyes, especially when talking to Jolene.