A Love Undone

by Cindy Woodsmall

  Jo smiled and went to Glen, speaking in Pennsylvania Dutch to the little ones. “This is a surprise.”

  “Ya.” Glen glanced to Andy. “I was going by Lester’s and decided to drop in to see if I could lend a hand. He said you were out here.” He removed his son from his shoulders. Both boys headed straight for the old firepit. They started gathering sticks and stones and tossing them into the pit.

  “I have graham crackers and water if they’re hungry,” Jolene offered Glen.

  “They would like that, Jolene. Denki.”

  While she grabbed the crackers from her backpack and returned to the children, Glen meandered to the chair next to Andy. The boys asked to feed the fish, but Jolene talked them into crumbling the crackers and spreading them on the ground for the birds.

  Glen leaned back. “I didn’t know who you were when you arrived, but I do now.”

  Andy nodded. Maybe Glen had asked Lester, or maybe he’d called Andy’s bishop to talk, one minister to another. That was common, but however he’d learned about Andy, he now had something pressing on his mind.

  “I need to ask you something, Andy.” Glen propped an ankle on his knee. “It’s not an easy thing to ask, but it’d be much worse to have to approach Jolene.”

  Andy figured he was here for a specific purpose. “Sure. Ask anything.” It was the preacher’s job to look out for those in his flock.

  Glen watched Jolene with his sons. “She’s a remarkable young woman. Smart. Gutsy. And sweet.” He shifted. “It seems to me that she’s incredibly innocent about certain things. Would you say that’s right?”

  Glen had known Jolene her whole life, so he should know the answer to his question. “That’s my impression, ya.”

  He pursed his lips, nodding. “Since we never shave our beards once we’re married, and grass widowers are such a rarity, I was wondering if it’s clear to her that you’re married.”

  “Ya, of course it is. I asked her about it.”

  Relief seemed to ease through Glen. “That’s good. She wouldn’t spend this kind of time around a married man she was attracted to. Your bishop assured me that up to this point you’ve been a man above reproach, so I trust you will continue in that same manner.”

  “I’m trusting that I will, ya.” Andy could control his actions, but where Jolene was concerned, he sensed that his emotions wanted to branch out further than a married man could allow.

  14

  Ray helped move cabinets onto the truck while Chad sat in the driver’s seat, waiting to take him and Josiah to Mrs. Coldwell’s place. All the work was done at the Coldwell place except for installing the cabinets in the garage, which wouldn’t take more than a day, so this would be Ray’s last chance to see Teena for a while. “Josiah?” They edged the tall cabinet into the truck and set it upright.

  “Ya?” Josiah was a little out of breath.

  “You sure I have enough money to hire a driver to take me to visit Teena?”

  Josiah dusted his hands together. “You need to think about that question for a bit.” He headed to the loading dock to get more cabinets.

  Ray followed. Did he have enough money saved to hire a driver? More than half of everything he earned, which according to Old Man Yoder wasn’t much, went to help Jolene pay bills. But for the last two years, he’d saved the rest, almost every penny.

  After their folks died, Jolene and Josiah worked really hard to keep bills paid, including those for Ray’s physical therapy. Plenty of good Amish folks gave money on a regular basis too. Maybe that’s why he believed in saving.

  But his need to save probably had more to do with a recurring dream in which he desperately needed food but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and no one would loan him the money. Each time, terror gripped him as he handed over all the cash he had, and the person behind the cash register said he was two pennies short. In the dream no one was allowed to loan him the money, and he couldn’t take a single item off his tray. Either he could afford every item, or he had to do without.

  When Ray woke from that dream, he was in a pool of sweat, and his heart pounded like mad. So in the real world, after Ray gave Jolene a portion of his paycheck to help with bills, he put the rest in the bank, hoping if he was ever caught in a similar real-life situation, he would be prepared.

  But he could spare enough to hire a driver to visit Teena. What was he thinking? Embarrassment burned inside his chest and climbed up his neck. He was slow and scattered on a bad day or when he was upset, but he wasn’t naive. Teena wasn’t looking for someone like him to be a boyfriend. It was enough that she wanted to be his friend.

  Josiah said they could take an extra-long lunch break today. Today would have to be enough … unless Teena asked him to visit her. That would make a huge difference. He smiled to himself. Today was going to be a good—

  “Ray!” Old Man Yoder’s voice echoed from somewhere inside the shop.

  Why did Uncle Calvin rely on someone like Yoder to be his right-hand man? Yoder was a screamer whenever Calvin was out of the shop for the day. Ray rolled his eyes, but Yoder’s anger didn’t shake him like usual. Ray had helped Josiah do a really good job at Mrs. Coldwell’s, and he had Teena, Alvin, Urie, and James as friends now. Oh, and he had the man’s dogs. Is that why Yoder’s screaming didn’t bother Ray today? He stood on the platform of the loading dock. “Out here.”

  Yoder busted through the swinging doors of the shop, a clipboard in one hand and a small plastic bag in the other. “You put the wrong hardware on the cabinets for the McClains’ place, and we’re supposed to deliver them this afternoon!”

  Josiah stepped forward. “We’ll get it straight. It’s not that big a deal.”

  “He will get it straight. You’re heading to the Coldwell place. Take another worker with you.”

  Ray jolted. “I need to go to the Coldwell place with Josiah.”

  “And I needed you to follow a simple set of instructions. All you have to do is read the numbers on the order sheet and compare them to the numbers on the boxes of hardware before installing the hardware!”

  “I did. I triple-checked the numbers.”

  “And now you can redo the work because you did it wrong. It’ll take all day. Josiah goes. Ray stays.” He pointed his finger in Ray’s face. “And try not to be useless without your brother here.”

  Josiah raised his voice and snatched the order sheet from Yoder, saying something to the man, but Ray couldn’t catch it. The world became blurry, fragmented moments. This felt worse than his money dreams. It was as if he was a child again, injured from being struck by lightning, lying there afraid and too weak to move while his mother was outside his room whispering mean things about him. The familiar sense of self-hatred and powerlessness returned.

  “Ray.” Josiah snapped his fingers in front of Ray’s face.

  Yoder was gone, and other workers were now outside on the platform, staring at him, thinking the same thing Yoder did—that Ray was useless.

  Ray shook himself free of his thoughts, but something didn’t let him loose. “What?”

  “I went inside and checked. Yoder’s right about the hardware, so we’ll just do as he says, okay?”

  Ray fought not to march into the truck and kick in the doors on the cabinets. “Why are you trying to reason with him?”

  His brother shrugged. “What do you want me to do? I’m not sure what happened, but a mistake was made. It’s not a big deal, but it has to be fixed.”

  “What about Yoder? I’m supposed to let him treat me like this?”

  “We work here because of Uncle Calvin’s generosity, Ray.”

  Ray’s anger stopped cold as disbelief took over. They didn’t work here because of Uncle Calvin’s generosity. Ray worked here because of that. Josiah was good at the job, and he’d worked here for ten years. Ray wondered why Josiah hadn’t been moved up to a supervisor yet.

  Yoder usually made Ray feel broken inside, but something in him was different this time. His thoughts weren’t scrambled, and
he didn’t wish the roof would collapse on him. An idea came to him, and he felt calm, methodical. It was time Yoder experienced the feeling of being shattered inside. But he couldn’t be impulsive, not this time.

  “Okay.” Ray lowered his voice, feeling something new—a sense of power. “I’ll stay. By the time you’re back, I’ll have everything fixed.”

  Josiah’s eyes narrowed. “You’re okay with this?”

  “Ya, I get it.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Ya. I messed this up, and I’ll fix it.” He’d fix Yoder too but not right this minute. Ray went to the set of cabinets and began removing the hardware. Josiah left, and all the men but one returned to their posts. Wilmer didn’t say a word when he entered the small room where hardware was added to the cabinets. He simply started working beside Ray.

  Ray’s mind never felt so clear, so sure of what had to be done. But he needed to finish this job first. When lunchtime came, Wilmer and all the other men scattered—some to the small kitchen in the shop, some to the bakery or nearby diner. But Ray kept working. He didn’t need food. He needed to be done. Wilmer returned, and by three they had all the right hardware in place.

  Wilmer stepped to the door of the small hardware room. “Yoder.”

  The old man entered, clipboard in hand as he began his inspection. “We’ll have to discount the cabinets.” He ran his hand over the inside of a door. “I can see where the compound was added to fill in the holes.”

  The holes made for the first set of hardware didn’t exactly match the holes needed for the second set. But Ray and Wilmer had added compound, sanded it, and stained it. The spots were hardly noticeable, and the holes for the knobs were exactly the same.

  Yoder frowned. “They’ll need to stay here to dry, so we can’t deliver them on time, and, like I said, we’ll have to give the McClains a discount. If they don’t take it, we’ll have to build new doors.” He sighed. “All of which is coming out of your pay, Ray, not the shop’s.”

  Wilmer shook his head. “His sister needs—”

  “I don’t care what his sister needs! You stay out of this, Wilmer. Everybody in this shop mollycoddles him, and those days are over!” Yoder turned to Ray. “You’re useless, Ray! If I could, I’d get the money from your account. But your uncle will take the hit, which affects my bonuses, and I’m sick of it!” He sighed. “Just absolutely useless.”

  Ray’s heart pounded so hard he thought he might pass out, and why did it seem as if he was looking through a keyhole? He could hear his mother’s whispers again: He’s worse than useless; he’s a burden. “So can I go now?” Ray fought to keep his voice low. “My lunch was in the truck with Josiah, and I’d like to go home to eat.”

  “I guess,” Yoder mumbled. “At least that way you can’t cause any more damage.”

  Hatred and anger burned as Ray stormed out the door. His blood pulsed in his ears as he ran down the street, tears blinding him. It wasn’t fair! Why did he have to struggle so?

  He strode past Beiler’s Blacksmith Shop and then by the bakery. James came out of a sandwich shop, carrying something in each hand. “Hey, Ray.”

  Ray ignored him and kept going.

  James hurried after him. “What’s going on?”

  “Yoder, that’s what!”

  “Did he find out about his dogs?”

  “No. He made me miss seeing Teena on our last day to work there and called me names in front of everyone!”

  “So where are you going?”

  “To break a few windows. Maybe then he’ll know what it feels like for someone to shatter his insides.” His thoughts were becoming fractured again. He could hear it in his words. Ray spotted an empty buggy, and an idea popped into his head. “You won’t tell, right?”

  “I guess not, but, Ray, this is different than taking the man’s mistreated dogs.”

  Ray stepped forward. “Are you my friend or not?”

  “Well, ya, I want to be, but …”

  Ray turned, ran to the buggy, and climbed in. The ride to Yoder’s place was a blur, taking forever and yet no time at all. As soon as he reached the man’s driveway, he jumped out and began searching for rocks. He found not only rocks but a few bricks lying around. He looked at the house and at the huge plate-glass window, probably the one in his living room. Ray aimed and flung a brick with all his might. It went straight through, making a hole and shattering the glass around it. Relief raced through him. He stood straight, feeling pretty darn good. He grabbed a rock with each hand this time and threw one at a set of windows.

  “Ray.” A man’s gentle voice called to him. “Kumm now. Put the rock down.”

  Ray turned. Another buggy was parked behind the one he’d taken. Was that James inside it? Van strode toward him, nodding his head and looking friendly. “I get what you’re doing, and you have a right to be angry. I’m mad too, but this could land you in jail.”

  Feeling defiant, Ray picked up another rock.

  “Kumm on, Ray. Don’t make the situation any worse.”

  “Well, I’ve already started. I might as well make it worth it!”

  Van put his hand on Ray’s shoulder. “Drop the rocks and let’s leave now. I’ll make it right with Yoder.”

  “You can’t tell him!”

  “He’s going to know, Ray. How long do you think it’ll take the police to put together that you stole his dogs, took someone’s rig, and vandalized his home? A day? Maybe two? I bet you have his dogs at your house, don’t you?”

  Ray nodded.

  “You don’t want Jolene to get in trouble for that, do you?”

  “What? No.”

  “You took my brother-in-law’s rig, so I can make that right with him easily enough. But do you know what it’ll do to your sister if she learns the rest of what you’ve done?”

  “I … I didn’t think …” The idea of Jolene being angry or disappointed in him sent a wave of panic through him.

  “I understand, and I’m here to help. Just put the rocks down, and let’s go to Yoder right now with an offer to set things right before he goes to the police. Maybe we can buy the dogs from him, but if not, you have to give them back.”

  “He’s horrible to them.”

  “After we get your mess cleaned up, if we can’t work out a deal about the dogs, we can go to the bishop or maybe file a report with the Humane Society. But right now, all the blame is on your shoulders, and I want to help you fix that, okay?”

  Ray stood there looking at the rocks in his hands and then at Yoder’s house. The very actions that had felt so good only moments ago now seemed to be choking him. What had he done?

  Ray dropped the rocks. “Do you think Yoder will let us make this right?”

  “I do.”

  “Jolene’s gonna get hurt by all this, isn’t she?”

  “If she finds out, ya.” Van thought for a moment, his eyes narrowing. “But … if I can get Yoder to be cooperative, she doesn’t have to be told. That’ll be my goal, because it would actually be better for her if she didn’t know.”

  “Yoder really hates me. He has since the day I went to work for my uncle.”

  “Then we have to offer him something he really loves.” Van’s brows knit. “Kumm. I have an idea.”

  15

  The light from two kerosene lanterns flickered against the gray cement walls of the wash house as Jolene turned off the compressed air–powered washer. She began feeding the drenched, soapy towels through the wringer one by one while she turned the handle. Flattened towels slid from the grip of the rollers into the warm rinse water of the mud sink. Her back had a twinge, so she paused, working on the kinks while looking out the window.

  The low-hanging purple clouds slowly peered through the darkness as the sun rose, bringing the light of day and promising that stormy weather was on its way. Winter Valley needed some springtime rain, but she hoped to get all the laundry washed and hung out long enough to dry before the sky opened up. The first load of clothes sat in a basket near
the back door, waiting for it to be light enough so she could safely cross the yard and hang them on the line.

  After nearly three weeks of going to Lester’s almost every day, she was woefully behind. A smile tugged at her lips and filled her heart. She didn’t mind how much time she’d spent at Lester’s. Actually, she felt just the opposite—because of Andy Fisher. She’d never once expected someone like him to enter her life. Apparently she had come to accept that if she found someone, it would be a make-do relationship. Better than none, but far less than her idealistic romantic notions.

  She chuckled. Andy could fill every starry-eyed dream she’d ever had. She knew he could, but what was it about him? He had a quiet, gentle air that she saw the clearest when he worked with the horses, and he had a down-to-earth honesty with a dry sense of humor when he talked to her. He seemed quite disinterested in impressing her, so maybe that was why he was comfortable being himself and speaking his mind. Whatever his reason, she liked it. What she loved was the sincerity in his eyes, his warm smile, his broad shoulders, and his deep, calm voice—except when he feared for her safety.

  Taking a deep breath, she aimed to slow her mind … and her heart. It’d been only three weeks. Well, almost three. Come Monday it would be exactly twenty-one days since they met. But if all the time they spent working together was tallied, she figured it equaled courting about six months.

  She laughed. Obviously she wanted to justify to herself how her feelings could be this strong this soon. But he’d yet to ask her to go for a walk or buggy ride. Actually, he hadn’t given a hint that he was interested in more than being friends who got along while working together, which was how she treated Glen. That caused her concern.