A Love Undone

by Cindy Woodsmall

  “If the wrong person finds out, Lester will be in as much trouble as I will, and my siblings will be humiliated when I’m shunned for it.”

  “This would be allowed in Apple Ridge.” He sounded distracted, as if his conversation were an afterthought while the rest of him was lost inside her paintings. “If you were allowed to do this art, my cousin Beth and her husband would be thrilled to sell these in their store. Actually, Beth and her husband met because he carves items out of wood, completely allowable in his district in Steubenville, Ohio, and she wanted to carry his work in her store. Bishop Omar is a kind and loving man, but it took some effort for him to see the work as art and not as an idol. He eventually did. Maybe that will happen here one day.”

  “It’s a nice thought.”

  “It’s as if I could crawl right into this art and live there.” He patted his chest, then picked up another canvas. “This has to be one of the best secrets I’ve ever been privileged to know about.” He held up a canvas painting, letting the afternoon light fall across it.

  “Everyone has secrets?”

  “Sure they do.”

  “Even you?” Her imagination ran wild. Did he know where his wife was and he’d refused to go after her? Had Eva been expecting his child when she ran off, and he had a daughter or another son somewhere? She wouldn’t ask.

  “My secret … is you.” His low tone rumbled through her like the roar of rain against a tin roof.

  She knew it would continue to do so forever, and she knew something else—they could no longer be on the same property. They’d done all they could to squelch their feelings.

  It hadn’t worked for either of them evidently.

  Several moments passed before Andy looked up from the painting. When he saw her, confusion flickered through his eyes, and then his face mirrored shock as he seemed to realize what he’d let slip. “Jo, I … shouldn’t … I didn’t mean to …”

  “I know.” She managed only a whisper. But they both knew that despite their determination, their love had shown itself, and now they had to go separate ways.

  27

  With a thirty-foot lead line in hand and a longe whip, Andy walked through the barn alongside Ray. “After a horse is used to and trusts the human working with it, we spend time with it in the round pen, attached to the line. Never before that.” Ray seemed invested in learning all he could about horses, and with his savings back he was talking to Lester about going to an auction and buying a few horses to house on this farm. Ray had a lot to learn, but if Lester took him under his wing and Ray went with Andy to a few auctions come September, Ray would have a two-man team to help him learn the ropes.

  It was the end of July, and Andy had two horses trained and ready to go. A driver and horse trailer would arrive soon. Andy gestured. “Until the truck arrives, we’ll work with the filly today.” He’d begun working with the filly a few weeks back, and it was time Ray tried his hand at it. But she was too young to be saddle broke.

  Ray opened the gate to the filly’s stall and eased inside. “Hey, girl. Jolene says you’re something special.”

  Jolene. It’d been a week since that day in the attic. Andy thought he was braced for moments like this, but the mention of her name caused disappointment to burn his skin. She still came to the farm when it couldn’t be avoided, but Naomi often came in her stead. Hope arrived with Ray each day and helped watch Tobias, not that his son realized she was his baby-sitter.

  What was Jo doing with the long summer days now that she wasn’t spending them working next to him?

  It seemed crazy to think he loved her, but he did. It didn’t matter that there really hadn’t been enough time together to fall in love. It had happened anyway. From their second day together, it was as if he could catch glimpses into her soul, and the wealth he saw there turned him into a man with gold fever.

  “The longe whip”—Andy held it up—“is mostly used for showing the horse. To begin with, you may have to flick the horse’s rump a few times, but if a horse trusts you, it won’t require more than a tap as a means of instruction. If the horse doesn’t respond well to gentle commands and light flicks, we’ve missed a step in the process and need to reset.” Andy prattled on, trying not to think of Jolene.

  “Jolene had a question she thought I should ask you.” Ray took the horse by the harness and led her out of the barn.

  Andy’s heart about stopped, but he kept his feet and body moving. “Ya, what’s that?”

  “She read that auctions aren’t the best place to buy horses.”

  “That depends on what a person is looking for. A lot of horses at auction have issues, serious ones. But if your goal is to buy them for a song and to train them well, then you can sell them for ten to fifteen times what you paid for them. Of course overhead on a horse is expensive, and some require months of intense training.”

  They’d barely entered the round pen when Jolene pulled onto the lane, driving Naomi’s wagon and horse. She stopped at the hitching post. His best guess was Naomi couldn’t bring dinner since Jolene got out of the rig with the large box that had been used to carry their meal before.

  She paused, looking their way, and their eyes locked. Moments later she gave a nod before going into the house. His heart thudded like crazy. A truck pulling a horse trailer drove up and stopped twenty feet shy of where Andy had the horses tied. He left the round pen. These horses had been some of the oldest and easiest to train of the group, which meant they’d had good owners before going rogue from abuse and neglect. They had settled quickly and were quite at ease being ridden bareback or with a saddle. Neither was trained to pull a rig, but they wouldn’t be used for that.

  The driver got out of the truck. “I’m here to pick up two Morgans.”

  “Ya.” Andy gestured. “You have the paperwork?”

  “Uh.” The man looked around as if the stuff might float from the air and into his hands. “Let me check on that.” He pulled a cell phone out of his pocket. A minute later he talked with someone, and then he nodded at Andy. “Yeah, I got it.” Still on the phone, the man got back in the cab of his truck.

  As Andy waited, Jolene came out of the house, floating down the steps like a dream.

  “Hey, Jolene.” Ray motioned for her. She hesitated, but then she closed the gap between them. “It’s your favorite. Look.” Ray grinned and gestured to the horse. “She likes me.”

  “You’re just trying to make me jealous.” She smiled before looking to Andy. “Hey.”

  “Hi, Jo.” His palms sweated. “How’s the new schedule working for you?”

  She slowly rolled her eyes. “It’s doing its job.” Hurt reflected in her eyes, but he knew there was nothing they could do about it.

  “Here you go.” The driver of the truck handed Andy a clipboard with papers to sign. Andy read over the notes, trying to focus on them. He tapped the papers on the clipboard. “The tag numbers for the horses don’t match your paperwork. Should start with a zero, not a nine or eight.”

  The man took the info. “Give me a minute, okay?”

  “Not a problem.”

  Jolene stood at the fence, watching Ray, her expression somber. How had her limited time with Andy blossomed into a miserable desire to be free to be together?

  Ray secured one end of the longe line to the training post. “Glen said he’d like to adopt this one when the time came.”

  Glen. Andy was tired of thinking about him. He swallowed, and it felt as if sand was stuck in his throat. Glen was many things. Andy could make a list, and the words good and patient would be at the top of it. Careless or clumsy when it came to Jolene wouldn’t be on the list. Glen intended to win her heart, and he trusted her sense of boundaries. As a preacher, he could’ve stirred up trouble for Andy, but he hadn’t. Did Andy feel like a rash on the man’s skin, one that would disappear along with the prickly heat of summer?

  Andy untied one of the horses and walked him into his metal box and closed the door. He felt as if someone were loading hi
m into a compartment and locking it. He returned for the second horse, all too aware of Jolene’s presence. After closing the trailer, he dusted off his hands, determined to sound upbeat. “The first ones on their way to a new home.”

  “Congratulations.” Jolene’s words matched his, empty and yet aiming to sound upbeat.

  The driver returned with fresh paperwork. Andy read over it and scrawled his name on it before passing it back. The driver got into the cab of his truck, and Andy moved out of the way as the vehicle slowly backed up.

  When the horse trailer and truck separated Andy from Jolene, he took a breath. It would be easier once he left Winter Valley, wouldn’t it?

  The truck pulled out, and Andy was surprised to find Jolene looking right at him. His eyes met hers, and just as their summer had faded, so had the spark he would normally see there.

  He’d leave here in a month, and he could see her future as clearly as he saw her standing there. A month, maybe two, after he left, the ache of missing him would dull. Traditional Amish gatherings and the holidays would roll around. Family and church get-togethers would replace the wearying awareness that Andy was out there somewhere, married. She’d have days, then weeks when she didn’t think of him. One of the Keims, perhaps Naomi or Hope, would invite Glen and his sons to Thanksgiving. During the feast Glen and Jolene would revel in the supernatural power of family and love. Jolene would realize that Glen might not ever own her heart as fully as Andy once had but that he didn’t have to. He was there, touchable and obtainable. A week or so later Glen would ask Jolene to go with him to watch his children in the Christmas play at school. The lure of it would tug on her, and she would go because his sons were adorable. Moreover she would long to feel light and love stir within her once again. Reality would swell within her heart, bringing peace and hope. With Glen she could have the joy of an instant family and conceive that longed-for child of her own and could even step into a high-esteem position within the community by marrying the widower preacher.

  In a year Andy would be dead to her.

  He swallowed hard, fighting with himself to remain on his feet and go about his day. He pulled his attention from her and focused on Ray. “Okay, she’s feeling skittish. Her feet aren’t moving, but see the prancing of her leg muscles. You need to …”

  The mid-August sun was brutal as Jolene stood on the bluff staring at the current in the murky river some ten feet from her. The stone bridge her parents had tried to cross was in her peripheral vision. Andy wasn’t here, but she imagined him standing on the sandy part below, his hand extended toward her, his blue eyes assuring her she was safe.

  Her rib cage and stomach ached from the muscles quaking inside her.

  Voices belonging to Glen, his sons, Ray, Hope, and Tobias floated from behind her. Glen had cut the grass and some of the brambly bushes so they could picnic here today. He and Ray had created a makeshift area to play baseball, and Jolene had spread a blanket and put a basket of food on it before meandering to this spot.

  For the past several weeks she’d barely seen Andy, and she still missed him. She’d caught glimpses of him, and they’d exchanged just a few words here and there.

  She folded her arms tight, fists clenched as she stared at the river. She couldn’t catch her breath.

  Glen eased next to her. “How are you doing?”

  “I … I feel weak and dizzy.”

  He put his hand around her elbow. “I could go with you.”

  “I … I’ve changed my mind.”

  “You haven’t changed your mind.” His tone hinted at amusement, and she didn’t appreciate it. “Your fears are changing it for you.”

  Whatever. She sat. “I think I’m done trying.”

  He sat beside her. “Okay.” He dangled his feet over the edge.

  Andy’s voice washed over her. Jo, close your eyes and breathe.

  Am I safe?

  Absolutely. I promise.

  The imagined conversation soothed her somehow, and she allowed her senses to be filled with the sunlight and sparkling water of summer. The river had a muted roar, a sound she hated. It reminded her of the distant noise of traffic on a highway. She listened closer and heard the small patches of woods bustling with nature. Humid air brushed against her skin, cooling it, and she realized the August sun wasn’t bearing down right now. It had to be hidden behind clouds. An acrid smell of muddy water and decaying wood filled her nostrils. She breathed in deeper, searching for something beyond what she didn’t like, and with that breath she relaxed even more. Something about this moment was familiar, perhaps a little like the indistinct feel of the attic. Waiting, she felt the breeze rush past her and heard the treetops rustling while birds of all kinds chirped.

  Quietness filled her, and she felt so alive.

  A hawk cried out, and for a moment it seemed she was the one in the sky looking down on the river. The water didn’t appear frightening from the sky. In her mind’s eye she soared over the field where family and friends played ball. She unfolded her arms, tilted her head back, and released her clenched fists.

  Everything her senses picked up on seemed to swoosh together and sweep through her soul, filling her with peace and love. She opened her eyes. The shadows of the trees were long on the water now. Glen was gone. How long had she sat there with her eyes closed?

  She turned and looked behind her. Glen was pitching, and he had his five little boys, Tobias, Ray, and Hope all playing softball.

  What was Andy accomplishing on the farm today by himself? Ray said that he was sending off four more horses today and that he had stacks of paperwork to do for the Humane Society. She closed her eyes again. Odd as it seemed, she actually enjoyed the sound of the river this time.

  Jo. Andy’s voice washed over her again, and she opened her eyes. A bright-red male cardinal was at the edge of the water, dipping his beak in and then stretching his neck, drinking. He hopped in farther, little by little, until he was bathing in it. The female swooped onto the dirt a few feet away, tilting her head as if watching for danger.

  As she breathed in the beauty of God’s creation, verses from Romans chapter eight came to her, and a peace she had never experienced before became a part of her—a peace that appreciated that as beautiful as life could be, it also groaned under its slavery to corruption.

  She was tired of being held captive by an unreasonable fear of rivers and creeks.

  While she was removing her shoes, a bee buzzed past her face, and when she swatted at it, both birds flew off. She eased down the side of the bank. The sandy dirt was cool against her feet, and she inched toward the river until her toes were touching the warm water.

  It felt like freedom, and she stepped in farther until it just covered her feet. She wished Andy were here.

  “You did it, Jolene.”

  She looked up to see Glen smiling.

  “I did.”

  He glanced behind him, probably making sure Ray and Hope were watching his sons. Then he skidded down the bank and held out his hand to her. She took it, and he kept her steady as she stepped back out of the water.

  He motioned to a large rock, and they sat on it. “I, uh, have some news, and since no one can hear us, now is probably the best time.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Some rumors have started about you and Andy.”

  “What?” Had her siblings already heard them? What about Andy’s family? Could he keep Tobias from learning of them? “Who—”

  He shook his head. “Not completely sure. It’s not as bad as it sounds, but the bishop and his daughter dropped by Lester’s a few days ago. Maybe Tobias said something that caught their ear. His daughter is known for asking lots of nosy questions and putting a picture together.”

  The bishop’s daughter was over fifty. She should be more mature than to stir up unnecessary trouble. Jolene’s fairy-tale moment of having victory over the river drifted away with the water rushing downstream. And clearly Glen was disappointed. Again.

  “So now what?�
��

  “I’m not sure. The fact that you’ve not been going there nearly as often lately helps. I was in and out a good bit before then. I say we keep our mouths shut and hope the community ignores the rumors. The last of the horses will be gone in two weeks, and Andy will return home.”

  Her chest constricted so tightly she felt unable to breathe.

  He started to reach for her hand, but he pulled back. “Maybe one day you’ll tell me why you aren’t going to Lester’s much anymore. My fear is something specific happened between you and Andy.”

  If she wanted to confess to Glen, she would tell him that seeing Andy less and him more had done nothing to dissipate her feelings for Andy. Rather than sharing a meal with the family, they exchanged glances as she walked in or out of the home. But he was in her heart, and Glen deserved the truth. “Nothing happened, Glen. Not in the physical sense. I … we realized that we cared too much, and we knew we needed more separation. But I have trouble imagining my life with any other man, and I know that’s not right because Andy isn’t mine to imagine life with. Shutting out the possibilities of love and family may be refusing God’s best for me. But it’s where I am.”

  “I appreciate your honesty. And if there is one thing I do understand it’s wishing the one you love were here with you. But life isn’t what we want it to be. It is reality, and I think we’re meant to accept our limits and make the most of what we have.” He stood. “I need to check on my boys.”

  She stared at the river, thinking of her parents. Glen was right. Life was about reality and learning to accept what was. But if she spent time with Glen for another year, would the reality of how she felt about him change?