Falling Deeper (Falling Series)

by Lucia Grace

  I scan the gym behind him again and find Bimbo Barbie smirking over at me. I redden with embarrassment—I know I do. But not because she’s watching, along with the entire gym, no, it’s because of the way Kayson is berating and demeaning me in front of all these strangers.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d mind me asking Damon, then surprising you here so we could spend a little time together. We haven’t seen each other outside of school for a few days.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Unless you have something to hide?”

  He ignores my question. “Apparently, you didn’t think, because if you did you would have realized that maybe I didn’t want to fucking see you.”

  The whole time he’s yelling at me he never once takes his eyes off of me. Staring at the tears building in my eyes with disdain and annoyance. Who is he right now? I didn’t even do anything wrong. How dare he speak to me this way.

  Embarrassed and humiliated beyond belief, I turn and run out the front doors into the pouring rain that must have started when I was inside. It was overcast and mild when I got here, so I left my sweatshirt inside the car. Now I’m jogging through the parking lot in my gym clothes, soaking wet and freezing cold.

  Just as I’m fumbling with getting the car keys out of my pocket, I’m spun around. I gasp in shock and look into the gray eyes of Kayson. His eyes clearer than they were inside the gym only moments ago. Once I recover from the shock I push him away. Trying to get space between us.

  He takes a step toward me to eat up the distance I created when I shoved him. “Ember…”

  My name on his lips has the tears and sobs I was holding back break free. I don’t even try to hide them from him. The pouring rain mixes with the tears racing down my face and drowns out the sobs racking my body. Soaking through my gym shorts and tank top.

  “I don’t know why you are doing this,” I stammer out. Shaking and sobbing and trembling. The tears won’t stop and he’s looking at me like he doesn’t understand what’s happening. “It’s not my fault he looked at me and spoke to me, Kayson. I was just standing there watching you flirt with that dumb blonde.” Anger mixes in with the hurt when I remind myself of what I walked in on.

  “I wasn’t flirting with her.”

  “Don’t you dare try to act all innocent in this, Kayson!” I’m shouting as the rain continues to pour over us. Drenching us both. “I know what I saw, and I saw her rubbing herself all over you and you eating it up like some damn fool!”

  “Jesus Christ, are you listening to yourself right now? I wasn’t fucking flirting with her. She came on to me. Paranoid much?”

  “No, are you listening to yourself? She may have come on to you, but you didn’t push her away!” Not once did he push her away or dissuade her actions for the five minutes I stood there. God, I am pathetic.

  “How the hell did this even get turned to me when you are the one fucking stalking me?” He jabs his thumb into his chest.

  “St-stalking you?” I literally am forced a step back by his allegation. “I simply came to surprise you so we could spend time together, Kayson. You haven’t answered your phone, calls, or texts from me in two days.” I’m fuming mad and hysterically crying. Not a good combination. “And I didn’t do anything wrong!” I shout at him. “That guy said two things to me before you stormed over, embarrassing and berating me in front of everyone.”

  “I didn’t ask you to come here, Ember.” He swipes a hand down his face to wipe away the extra rainwater hanging from his lashes and lips. “It’s not my fault you were checking up on me.”

  I can’t even talk to him. Not when he isn’t hearing anything I’m saying. His total disregard for his actions has me at my boiling point.

  “FUCK YOU, KAYSON!” I can tell I shocked him with my outburst and swearing. I barely cuss, but he’s brought that out in me. Hell, I shocked myself. With those parting words I turn to get into my car, but before I can even get my door open the heat from his body hits my back. Then his arms are around me. My body doesn’t understand the hurt he just delivered to my heart. All it feels is the safety of his arms encasing me and bringing me tight to his body. So I fall back into him and let him take my pain. I cry like I haven’t cried in a long time. Trying to purge the disgust and anger and sorrow. He made me feel worthless and petty and pathetic. His words delivering blow after blow.

  “Shh, baby. Shh. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of that. I was just shocked to see you standing there, with that fucker so close to you.” He spins me in his arms and has one hand holding my head to his chest and the other rubbing soothing movements on my back.

  I can barely hear him or myself over the rain and my sobbing. “I love you more than you’ll ever know. But you’re ripping my heart out. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I can’t take this rollercoaster ride of emotions you bring me on.”

  “No, you don’t mean that, Ember. You don’t. You can’t.” He’s pleading and begging with his words and his eyes as he brings my face up to look at his. “I love you, Ember. I love you. We’ll be fine. We’ll make it right. I’ll make it right.”

  KAYSON

  I am a motherfucking asshole. She’s trembling so hard in my arms I can barely hold on. What the fuck was I thinking letting her run out here in the cold rain? Chasing her down and having it out with her out here?

  Oh yeah, I wasn’t.

  All I could see was red when I turned around to see that motherfucker talking to her. Then he stepped up close to her side, looking at her ass. My ass. And that’s when I lost my shit.

  I never even heard or saw Ember come in the gym. It probably didn’t help that Tiffani, from the front desk, wouldn’t leave me alone since I walked in this afternoon. But fuck, all she was doing was rubbing her small tits against me. I definitely wasn’t flirting, though I didn’t push her off either. But why would I need anyone when I’ve got Ember. Has she seen herself lately? Or has she not noticed how I am about her? I guess my hot then cold demeanor would give mixed signals. But fuck, she has to know how much I love her. I’ve just had a few off days lately.

  Had it really been two days since we’ve hung out though?

  Fuck, it must have been. I partied hard the other night. Popped a couple oxys with a few beers then did a line or two of blow. I was feeling right that night. But the next day at school was rough. I remember Ember checking in on me a couple of times, but I kept blowing her off. I guess I lost track of the days. We haven’t gone more than a few hours apart since last month when she gave me all of her. The best night of my fucking existence. Even at night I’m staying in her room long after her mom goes to sleep each night and staying until about the sun comes up. Sneaking out a couple of hours before I see her again at school. So for us to go days without contact outside of school… Fuck, I really am an asshole.

  “Shh, baby. It’s okay. Deep breaths for me, Ember. That’s right, baby, good girl.” I’m trying to soothe her, to calm her down. Although her cries have quieted, she’s still trembling. Still shaking and sniffling like she’s trying to hold it all back.

  Fuck! I know I fucked-up. Keeping her in the dark these last couple of days, acting like a dick and yelling at her, embarrassing her in front of everyone at the gym. I know the drugs and booze are getting to me. Every day I feel them pulling me under. I can’t stop, but I’m afraid I am going to break her if I don’t. There is no me without her, so I can’t let go.

  “You’re freezing cold, baby. Let’s get back inside so I can grab my stuff and then get you home.” I’m rubbing my hands up and down her back trying to get her as warm and as calm as I can. “Damon and I will come and get your car and bring it back to your place later.”

  She finally speaks up. “N-no, Kayson. No wa-way am I ever stepping foot back in that gy-gym e-ev-ever again.” Her teeth are chattering she is so cold. Shame washes over me when her words sink in.

  I start walking her the few spots over to my unlocked truck and open the door. I lift her by her hips and place her in the passen
ger side seat. “Sit tight here, Em. I’m just going to run in and grab my shit from my locker.”

  She won’t even make eye contact with me. I lightly grip her chin with my thumb and forefinger and bring her face to mine. “Em?” She looks up at me hesitantly. “Sit tight, okay?”

  She nods her consent and I run back into the gym, straight into the locker room. I don’t waste any time, afraid she’ll take off, and I don’t stop to entertain any of the questioning looks and stares. Tiffani tries to call my name as I pass by into the locker room, but I give her my best “back the fuck off” look and stride right to my locker. I’m jittery and shaky as fuck, my jaw hurts from clenching it so tight, but I can’t focus on that right now. I need to focus on my girl. So once I get to my locker I grab my shit, pocket my phone, and practically run back through the gym to get to my girl. I have to fix this, make this right.

  The rain has slowed down to a light mist as I jog back to my truck and see Ember’s profile still sitting in the passenger side. Thank fuck she stayed put. I would have lost my shit, again, if she left.

  I toss my shit into the back seat of my beat-up dual cab truck then slam the door to see her jump. Shit. I open my driver’s side door and get in, closing the door more gently this time. Ember doesn’t even look over. Just sits there trembling, teeth still chattering, so I quickly get the truck started and the heat blasting. I run my hand through my sweaty, rain-drenched hair then grab my ball cap from the center console and put it on backward.

  “You okay to go home?” I ask softly, not wanting to startle her again. She nods her head, again no words, and I huff out a deep breath. I shoot off a quick text to Damon to let him know I’ll need his help in a bit. I don’t give him any details, but I see he accepts before I put my phone back in my pocket. After that I put the truck in reverse, back out, then shift into drive to get us to her place.

  Not a word is spoken between us through the five-minute drive. At the lone stop sign between the gym and her house I grab my sweatshirt from the back and toss it to her so she can put it on. She grabs it and lays it over herself like a blanket, but my heart warms nonetheless seeing my clothes around her body. I shake my head and drive the rest of the way staring straight ahead and thinking how in the hell I’ll make this right.

  Once I pull in to her driveway, I park the truck but keep it going for the heat. “Baby, please look at me.”

  My gentle tone must make her give in because she looks over to me. Tears still swimming in her deep brown eyes. “I’m sorry. I really am. I know it’s no excuse, but I just lost it when I saw him near you.”

  “I know.” Her voice so faint I can barely hear it over the warm air blowing through the cab of my truck. “But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. That each word wasn’t like a blow to the chest. And you made it about me being there, Kayson. Not about him being near me.”

  My eyes slide closed at her words. Fuck, she’s right. When I open them again I see the tears she was holding back, tracking down her face. I push up the console, unbuckle both our seatbelts, then drag her over into my lap. Her soaking-wet clothes sticking to each of her curves.

  “You’re right. I let my anger at seeing him near you take over, and took it out on you. I wasn’t even thinking.” And I wasn’t.

  “I don’t know what has gotten into you, Kayson. But that was not okay. You can’t treat me like that. Not ever again.” Her sentence ends on a small, hiccupped sob. And I just can’t take it anymore.

  I know I’m an asshole, and this isn’t the right time, but having her this close, her scent wrapping around me, and knowing it will re-establish our fierce connection, I crush my lips to hers. She gasps and that’s my opening. I slide my tongue gently along hers to bring her back to me, to us, to remind her of what we have. After a minute her cold body melts into mine, and I know she’s just as lost as I am.

  “I love you.” I kiss her again. “I’m sorry. You need to forgive me,” I whisper against her lips before diving back in.

  I wish I could spend hours worshipping her body the way she deserves. I wish I could really show her how much I love her. But she needs to get inside and into dry clothes while I get Damon so we can get her car.

  I pull away slowly, but slide my hands into her damp, long, dark hair to keep her face close. “Baby, you need to get inside to get dry and warm while I go get your car with Dame.”

  She leans away, causing my hands to drop from her face, then crawls off of my lap. “Okay.”

  “Wanna give me your keys? I’ll have Dame take my truck, and I’ll drive your car back so I can come back and warm you up. I won’t be more than fifteen minutes.”

  “All right.” These short answers are killing me. She hands over her keys.

  “You forgive me, right?” I lean over and touch my warm lips to her full, cooler ones.

  “Yeah.” She breathes out, giving me a timid smile. It’s a start.

  “Go on inside then, baby. Get dry and warm and I’ll be back soon.”

  “You promise you’ll be back tonight?” The hesitancy and sadness in her eyes steals my breath for a second. It takes me a moment to compose myself, knowing I put it there.

  “Yeah, baby. Fifteen minutes.” I kiss her softly again then watch her get out and walk to her front door. She looks back once, looking for confirmation, so I nod her inside and she walks in, closing the door behind her.

  It guts me just as much as it calms me that she forgives me so quickly. It’s her love and compassion that save me time after time when I fuck up. It’s my saving grace, and I am one lucky son of a bitch that she is in just as deeply as I am.

  Once I know she’s safely inside I slam my fist against the steering wheel. Then fist both shaking hands to calm them down. Fuck, I need something already. But I don’t allow that feeling to consume me. I close my eyes and picture the tears racing down Ember’s face, and let the anger and guilt consume me instead.

  I bring myself down, talk myself out of popping another pill, and make my way to Dame’s house. I shake off this feeling of disgust and hope to God that I can fix this all. The sooner I get Damon, the quicker I get Ember’s car, and the sooner I’m back with my girl, reminding her of our love and why I need her.

  When I pull into Damon’s driveway I see he’s sitting on his front steps, phone in hand. He stands when he sees my headlights and makes his way to my truck as I shift into reverse to back out once he’s inside.

  “So what happened?” I glance over to Damon to see his brows pinched tight. A grim look crossing his face.

  “I fucked-up, man.” I breathe out on a sigh as I face the road again.

  From the corner of my eye I see him shake his head then look back through the front windshield. Waiting for me to continue.

  “She showed up at the gym. I lost my shit when I saw some asshole talking to her. She was upset because she thought I was flirting with that Tiffani chick. Then I don’t know what the fuck happened. One minute we were in the gym, the next minute she was running out into the pouring rain, and then the next we were having it out right there in the parking lot.”

  Just picturing Ember’s beautiful face full of doubt for me and for us has my heart jackhammering against my ribcage from guilt and shame.

  “I was pissed she was there. I was pissed that fucker was talking to her, looking at her. And then when she lit into me for flirting, I lost it. Spouting bullshit I didn’t mean.”

  “What the fuck is with you, man? When she asked me where you were I couldn’t fucking believe she had to even ask since you’re usually so far up her ass she can’t fucking breathe without you being there.”

  I scoff at the fucker. But he continues on like I didn’t.

  “What? It’s fucking true and you know it. You’re in fucking deep with her, bro.”

  “You’re right. I am. So what’s your fucking point?”

  “My fucking point is why the hell didn’t she know where to find you, what the fuck were you doing, and what the fuck were you thinking tonight?�
�

  “I wasn’t fucking thinking. Okay? Tonight was just one huge clusterfuck of bullshit.”

  He scoffs. “Clearly you weren’t, and from the sounds of it you fucked-up. Big time, dude.”

  “You don’t think I fucking know that, asshole?” My grip tightens around the steering wheel.

  “No, I don’t think you fucking know that, bro. Not with the way you’ve been acting lately and especially not with what you just told me.”

  “Yeah, well, regardless of how I’ve been acting, I still know I fucked-up tonight. Fuck, man, you should have seen her.” I scrape a hand through my still damp hair. “The look on her face is one I will never forget.”

  “Then what the fuck are you going to do about it?”

  The million dollar fucking question right there. What the fuck am I going to do about it? I know I need to make things right with Ember. I know I need to fucking stop this bullshit with the drinking and the drugs before it gets even more out of hand. I just need to figure out how and if I even can.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  -JANUARY-

  EMBER

  Why do I let him put me through this? Why do I allow Kayson so much control over my emotions? Why do I let myself worry so much when it’s obvious he doesn’t care at all?

  I keep repeating these things in my head, but I know why. It’s because I love him. It’s because I need him to be okay. It’s because I know he’s been doing drugs for the past few months, even though he hasn’t told me, and I don’t know how to stop it from happening. I don’t know why it took me so long to notice the signs and symptoms. But when it hit me I knew that’s what had been going on these past few months.

  I try to think of any reason why it would be okay for him to treat me this way. And I can’t think of any. But I stay anyway, because even though we’ve only been together a short time, I still love him with all of me. My heart, my soul, my body all call for him in every way. My need for him borders on unhealthy, and I don’t know how to stop. Or if I even want to.