Falling Deeper (Falling Series)

by Lucia Grace

  Ever since one of the most embarrassing nights of my life, when we fought at the gym last month, Kayson has been hot and cold. One minute he’s present, affectionate, and that boy I fell in love with. Then the next minute he’s irrational, angry, and downright unpredictable.

  His disappearing, without giving me any contact for days at a time, went from barely ever happening, to happening every week. It’s never the same few days in a row, making my unease even heavier because I never know when to expect it. He goes from spending every minute he can with me, answering all of my calls and texts, or texting and calling me like mad. To not replying at all, to ignoring me, to giving me none of his time.

  Just last week we spent a rainy day together at the mall, then the movies, and had an amazing time. He drove us the almost hour it takes to get into the city just so we could walk hand-in-hand from one end of the mall to the other. We didn’t buy one thing. Just window-shopped as we laughed and talked our way past store after store. We had lunch and shared an ice cream cone. Then we found a cheesy romantic comedy to snuggle into at the back of the theater where we kissed and touched more than watched the scenes play out before us.

  At one point I really tried to watch the movie, and to get Kayson to, as well. I told him to put his eyes on the screen. He told me he couldn’t take his eyes off of me.

  Then I couldn’t do anything but kiss him.

  We spent the whole day together, away from home, until the rain dried up and day turned into night. It was perfect.

  Then the next day I couldn’t do anything right. First I was texting him too much. Even though he told me to contact him the next day so we could do something else when he dropped me off and kissed me goodnight. He kept telling me I was being too needy, too annoying. Then when I stopped asking when he’d be over, he started getting upset that I wasn’t texting him enough. He told me that I must have been too busy for him since he hadn’t heard from me again. Then when he finally came over he was irritable. He tried to play it down, tried to placate me, but something was definitely off and he couldn’t—or wouldn’t—stop snapping at me.

  I just couldn’t win with him.

  I know I’m the pathetic girlfriend, ignoring all the signs and waiting by the phone for his call. But I can’t help it. I love him. If that makes me foolish, then so be it. But as much as I want to help and heal him, I can’t, because Kayson needs to want to stop. He needs to put me, to put us, but more importantly put himself first. He needs to do that. Not me. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. From trying to keep him with me more times than not. From trying to show him how powerful our love is, how healing it can be. I’m proof of that. He saved me from myself. I wish I could figure out how to save him.

  I slowly feel him starting to slip away and it petrifies me. When it’s good, it is perfect. Late night walks on the beach under the stars. Kissing until our bruised lips can’t take any more. Passionate times exploring and learning each other’s bodies. But when it’s bad he has the potential to become my biggest regret, and I never want to regret him. Never.

  I’ve been trying to call him for three days now. Three days. He wasn’t at school on Friday, and I couldn’t imagine why. Damon hadn’t heard from him and was just as surprised as I was that he didn’t make it into school.

  After Kayson left me late Thursday night, sneaking through my window as he does those nights he’s with me, he sent me his usual text to let me know he’d gotten home and he’d see me at school tomorrow. I found it a bit odd that he left so soon, not waiting for the early dawn of the next morning like he usually does. But I figured he didn’t want to risk getting caught since we’ve had a couple of close calls. Now I know something must have been up. I just hope that he’s okay.

  It is now Sunday and all I’ve done all weekend is text and call Kayson on repeat. Momma has tried to get me to leave the house with her. She tried to coax me with dinner, with the movies, with anything to get me to leave. Like today she tried to get me to run the Sunday errands with her, but I just couldn’t. What if he calls or sends a text and I have no reception? What if he stops by and I’m not here? It’s pathetic, I know, but the more time that passes, the more worried I get. So I stayed home today, just like I had yesterday and the night before.

  He may be a different person these days, but even this is extreme for him. Because even if he goes a couple of days without contacting me, he at least speaks to Damon so I know he is okay. Now though, I have no clue, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

  I even tried to call his mom, but she was no use, of course. Slurring her greeting and not so pleasantly letting me know that she hadn’t seen or heard from her son. Nor did she care that she hadn’t. I try to be as polite as possible, but I just couldn’t deal and hung up on her before she could finish.

  So that left me with nothing. No texts, no callbacks, no word from anyone else. Nothing but me sick with worry and unease that something terrible has happened to him.

  I get shaken from my thoughts when my cell starts to ring. My heart goes into overdrive in my chest. My anxiety flares.

  Oh God, please let it be Kayson.

  When I look down at the screen in my hand all my hopes are dashed.

  “He-hello.” My voice cracks so I clear my throat.

  “Oh, girl. Still nothing?” I hear the sympathy in Tracey’s voice and my stomach drops even more.

  “No,” I reply back quietly as a few tears fall down my face. I sniffle them back before I let them get out of hand.

  “I’m sorry, Em. I really am, but maybe it’s time to end things and let this relationship go.”

  I can hear how hard it is for her to say that to me, because she knows how hard it would be for me to hear it. And I know she’s right. I know this relationship is bringing both Kayson and me down. But it still doesn’t make the sting of her words burn any less.

  “Tracey, I just, I can’t—”

  A knock at the door cuts me off and my heart is jackhammering in my chest all over again. My anxiety and unease is at an all-time high because I know that what I will find behind that door is going to rip me apart.

  “Tracey, I have to go,” I rush out the words before hanging up. I don’t have time to feel bad for hanging up on her.

  I swallow back harshly as I timidly walk to the front door. I swing it open and have to brace the doorframe so my legs don’t give out from under me. On a gasp, the tears that were building tumble down my face.

  Leaning against Damon, who has an arm around his shoulders, is Kayson. He’s unkempt, unshaven, and clearly messed up. He reeks of beer and cigarettes, white powder is dusted around his nostrils, and his bloodshot eyes hold pupils the size of pinpoints.

  Oh my God.

  “I’m sorry, Em. He finally contacted me to pick him up from Decker’s place.” Damon looks apologetic and almost as upset as I do. But he also looks downright pissed. A look I’ve never seen on him before.

  Decker? Why would he be there? He hates Decker Edwards. Before I can reply, Damon resumes talking as he shifts a leaning Kayson next to him.

  “Once I got him, the first thing he said was that he needed you. I tried to bring him home to sober and clean himself up, but he wasn’t having it. He threatened to get in his truck and come to you once he got home. I couldn’t let him drive himself like this.”

  Damon looks so upset that I try to ease his worries, but words won’t come. I drop the hand from my mouth that I didn’t realize was there and nod my head while I move aside. The pain from my heart shattering in my chest, growing harsher by the second. Kayson is so out of it he can’t even walk on his own so Damon helps him. Dragging him through the doorway on shuffled feet.

  Oh God, what am I going to do?

  KAYSON

  I don’t even know how I got here. One minute I’m snorting a fresh line of blow and then the next I’m standing in front of Ember. Well, leaning is more accurate. I chuckle to myself as that thought passes but am stopped immediately when I hear a sob break free
from my girl. My eyes snap to hers and the blurry vision in front of me is enough to sober me a bit.

  I think I say hello as I try to stumble in with the help of Damon. Ah yes, that’s how I got here. Damon and his fucking lecture. But I can’t be certain of what I said since I’m slurring so badly. Apparently, I didn’t sober up too much.

  “Kayson, where have you been?” Her chin trembles as she looks up at me. Tears rolling down her beautiful face.

  I bring my hand up to grab hers to pull her in, but she steps away from me. What the fuck? “What do you mean, where have I been?” I had to focus to get those words out and make any sense.

  “I mean, where have you been the last three days? You weren’t in school on Friday. You haven’t responded to any of my text messages or phone calls. You haven’t even answered Damon until now apparently.” She takes a deep breath. “So yes, where the fuck have you been?”

  Three days? And did she just say fuck? “What do you mean three days? Baby, it’s Friday night.”

  “No, dude, it’s fucking Sunday night. No one has seen or heard from you since Thursday night.” Damon cuts in with his snide tone.

  That deep breath Ember just took to try to calm down doesn’t work because as soon as Damon finishes his statement she’s all out sobbing. Damon lets me go to lean against the nearest wall while he goes to my girl to comfort her.

  Oh, I do not fucking think so.

  That has me sobering up even more.

  “Damon, get the fuck away from my girl.” They both turn their heads to me. Ember with a red face full of tears and Damon’s full of rage.

  “Dude, chill the fuck out. You’re lucky you even have a girl right now with the bullshit you’ve been pulling the last few months.”

  He may be right, but that doesn’t give the fucker any right to console my girl. “Touch her again, and best friend or not, I will lay you the fuck out. Now step the fuck away from her. You got me here safely, thank you very fucking much. You can go now.”

  Damon gives Ember one last hug that has a growl erupting from my chest.

  “Kayson, you’ve got some serious fucking issues. Wake the fuck up before you lose the only good thing in your life or before you kill yourself.” With that parting comment he lets go of Ember and walks out the door but not before reminding her to call if she needs anything.

  Yeah, not likely, fucker.

  “I don’t want you here.”

  The hard yet soft voice pulls me from my thoughts and brings my face back to hers from watching Dame walk out. “Excuse me?”

  “I said I don’t want you here. I waited for three days to hear from you, to see you, so I would know you are okay. But now that you’re here, I don’t want you to be.”

  She goes to turn from me but I stop her. “Baby, you can’t mean that. I swear I didn’t know it had been three days. I lost track of time.”

  “Lost track of time? How can you not know what day it is? How can you not know we haven’t spoken in three days? What is going on with you?” She stops and actually laughs, but more to herself before she continues. “You know what? Never mind. I know what is going on with you. If I didn’t already know you were doing drugs I would know now with all that powder hanging off your face.”

  I swipe my arm under my nose to clean myself up. When I look down I see there is some powder lingering. What could only be known as shame starts to infiltrate my blurry, slushed-up mind and I look over to Ember, ashamed.

  “You are not the same guy from a few months ago. Not even close. You are irrational, hotheaded, and unpredictable. I can’t count on you, you’re clearly lying to me, and these disappearing acts keep getting worse.” The tears start to fall even harder, bringing tears to my eyes. Watching her break, because of me, has my gut twisting and my heart plummeting. I can see her shutting down right in front of me.

  I don’t know if there is any coming back from this and that has me sobering up quickly. I can’t lose her. I may fuck up more than I should. I may find solace in getting lost with coke and oxys and booze. But this girl is everything. She’s the light in my darkness, the good in my bad. I need her.

  “Ember, please. I need you. I can’t live this life without you. Ever since you walked into my life you’ve made me want to be a better man. You bring me the only happiness I know.” She scoffs through a sob that has me stopping.

  “If that held any truth then you wouldn’t be doing this, any of this. The drugs, the drinking, the disappearing. None of it would happen if I made you want to be better. If I were your happiness then you wouldn’t try to find it at the end of a bottle or in whatever drug you get yourself lost in. Can’t you see that, Kayson? Clearly, I’m not any good for you because I’m not enough to make you st-stop.” Her sobbing gets louder then dulls when she brings her hands to her face.

  Her knees look about to buckle from her crying and trembling so I wrap my hands around her wrists and pull her into me gently. “Of course you’re enough, baby. You’re more than that, you’re everything.” Despite her tears I see the goose bumps raise on her skin from my whispered words into her neck.

  Her arms stay limp at her sides while I hold onto her for dear life. Holding her to me as tightly as I can without hurting her. Pleading with my touch.

  “Please, Ember. Please. I will get better. I will do better. I’ll get help. I’ll do anything; I just need you to stay with me. I can’t lose you. I refuse to, baby. I’m sorry. I know I say that a lot lately, but I am. I am so, so sorry.”

  She finally caves on a sob and wraps her arms around my waist. Holding me back just as tight as her little arms will hold me. I sag into her with relief and guilt and love. I’m holding back my own tears as I feel hers drench my T-shirt. I need to hold her in my arms. I need her wrapped around me. I need the soothing calm of her soft tan skin against mine. So I drop an arm from around her to bring it down to behind her knees. I keep the other behind her back and lift her into my arms. Cradling her to my chest. I’ve spent so many days and nights here that I could navigate the floor plan of Ember’s house with my eyes closed. Thank Christ her mother isn’t here for this. I would surely have been tossed on my ass by now if she were.

  Walking down the hall and into Ember’s room, I shut the door with my foot and sit her on the bed. I rid myself of my T-shirt first then bring my hands to the hem of hers. Without a word she lifts her arms, and I take my cue and lift her sweater over her head.

  “I need to feel you skin to skin, baby. I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but can you give me this? Give us this?” I hold my breath, waiting for her response.

  Her softly replied “yes” has me letting it out on a whoosh, as I bring the straps of her bra down her arms. I don’t even take the time to stare at the beauty in front of me. A bare-chested Ember is a sight to behold, but that isn’t what this is about right now. This is about soothing and comfort and love.

  Ember stands and removes her sweatpants, leaving her in only a small pair of boy shorts that barely cover her glorious ass, and crawls into bed. I drop my jeans and follow closely behind her. As soon as the covers are brought over us both, I bring her to me. Chest to chest. Her soft sigh of sadness sends a chill down my spine.

  As I hold her in my arms, her warm skin flush with mine, I can’t help but feel content. I know I fucked-up beyond anything I’ve ever done. I know I’m falling deeper into this darkness that consumes me. I know I am letting the drugs consume my life. But I won’t lose her. I will do whatever it takes to keep her.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  -FEBRUARY-

  EMBER

  It’s been almost a month since Kayson showed up at my house disoriented, drunk, and high. He says he’s trying, that he isn’t going to any more parties, and that he’s checking into getting some help for his drug use. But I don’t believe him, and I called him out on it last night. He showed up with glassy, bloodshot eyes not expecting me to pick up on anything. I may have been the naïve girlfriend before, but now I watch for the signs, and last
night I could tell he was high as hell.

  He tried playing it off, telling me he wasn’t. Then, with enough prodding, he finally admitted that he was high but it wasn’t a big deal since he’s laid off the harder stuff. He tried to tell me it was just pot, that it wasn’t a big deal.

  I am no stranger to the effects of drugs. It’s what finally destroyed the marriage of my parents. Maybe that’s why I found solace in the arms of Kayson so quickly. I was still reeling from the upheaval of my life. Maybe my heart called out to his broken pieces, ready to mend and heal him with my love. They say a woman chooses her man based on the type of man her father is, and I guess I fit that cliché.

  After our argument and Kayson walking out on me last night, I was hoping to talk to him before classes started. Try to talk and figure out what was going on. So I walked to school early that cool morning, hoping to catch him outside. Not caring how desperate I seemed. For him, I’d withstand anything.

  He didn’t show up though. Not that morning. Not during lunch period. Not after. Not at all. And I was a frantic mess. From class to class I was looking for him in the hallways, texting Damon, asking the girls if they’ve seen him. I must have called and texted him at least a million times. Pleading with him just to let me know he was okay. Nothing.

  The final bell had barely rung and I was out the door, bursting through the front doors, searching the front lawn as if he’d just materialize. I raced over to the student parking lot hoping against all hope that he’d be waiting for me there.

  Nothing.

  Always fucking nothing.

  Now I’m calling his drunk of a mother from school for what feels like the hundredth time before she finally answers. Slurring to me that she got a call from the station, informing her that they picked up her drunk and disorderly son at 10:00 a.m. for simple assault and driving under the influence. My hands start to tremble and I stifle a sob as she continues to tell me they are appointing a state-funded attorney to him. She doesn’t even fucking care. She just says good fucking riddance and hangs up. Then I break down.