On Becoming His - Lessons Learned

by Dayne, Cassandre

  “I know. Okay.” Jessie gritted her teeth. “I think you’re holding a part of your life back from me and I think whatever that is drives you to work harder and stay busy all the time, completely unable to relax. You’re driven to the point of being almost crazed with every aspect of your life. It has to be perfect. Nothing is every out of place and I can’t accuse you of leaving your clothes lying around.”

  “Most women would be thrilled,” Luke teased.

  “I’m not most women and I can see an edge in you, one that’s growing. That bothers me. I don’t know what to think. Is it me? Did I do something wrong?”

  “No, nothing wrong.” Luke cupped her chin, leaning over and brushing his lips across hers. When he eased back he tilted his head, guilt and memories about the past sweeping through him.

  Jessie frowned. “I’m worried. I’m allowed to be worried about you.”

  Her exasperated voice kept him from retorting a remark. “Jezebel, stop worrying about me. I’ve always had a very stringent work ethic and I’m just stressed because of work. I have a lot going on and new clients. I can barely wrap my arm around what I need to focus on at work. I thought you knew that about me immediately.”

  “No. I won’t buy that completely. The looks I see on your face and the way you aren’t sleeping well is more than about work. There’s something eating at you and the problem with loving you so much and needing to become completely devoted is I grow concerned when you’re not you. Anxious.”

  “What are you worried about?” Luke asked quietly as he took her hand, fingering her palm. The mere touch of her skin gave him shivers.

  Jessie looked down, her chest rising and falling several times. When she looked back into his eyes hers were misted. “So many things.”

  “Tell me one.” For so many reasons this was agonizing for both of them.

  “I’m terrified of disappointing you. I’m petrified one day I’ll say or do the wrong thing and you’ll grow tired of me, finding every flaw I have intolerable.”

  The words hanging in the air, for the first time since he’d met her he was utterly and completely petrified. And the worst part was, he had no idea why. Brushing his fingers back and forth across her skin, he brought her hand to his mouth, kissing her palm. Very slowly he placed her hand on his heart. “Do you feel that?”

  “What?” Her voice was breathless.

  “My heart thumping wildly.”

  Nodding, a slight smile crossed her face. “I feel your heart racing, as if the muscle is trying to best a series of competitors.”

  Luke burst into laughter. “You over analyze everything to death. My heart is beating because of the love I feel for you and a raging hunger that never seems to sleep. My heart constantly stays at a heightened level simply by being in the room around you.”

  She gave him a quizzical look, her eyes flashing. “You don’t get what I’m saying.”

  “I think I do. Jessie, you need to understand something. I will never judge you on whether you keep up with me or will ever be disappointed in you because of you saying the wrong thing. Your devotion to me is a gift and something I’ll cherish always. You must know that.”

  “I…” Jessie’s lower lip trembled.

  “Believe me.” Luke knew a little bit better why she felt like she needed his discipline. If she was bad and he punished her, then she could be absolved and he wouldn’t be disappointed. Kissing the top of her forehead, Luke kept his lips pressed against her heated skin. His heart was racing and when she dug her fingertips into his chest, he shivered. The woman had a sixth sense like no other. Easing back, he brushed the stray strands of hair from her face and reached for his glass of wine. “I love you and you honor me every day.”

  “But you don’t think I’m devoted enough.”

  “I think you’re holding yourself back from me and from what you long for with us. While what you just said makes a lot of sense, I think there’s something in you that you simply can’t divulge, perhaps very much afraid I won’t understand. Until you and I find the happy balance, I think there’s going to be something between us keeping a barrier just there, just out of reach.”

  Jessie tilted her head, a hurt look in her eyes. “I guess.”

  “This isn’t a race. I know you want to be devoted completely and utterly. You should know I feel your love in the way your kiss me, the way you laugh. I can tell when you brush your hand across my arm and by the way your eyes light up when I enter the room. I know.”

  “But not my devotion.”

  Luke hesitated long enough she reeled back. “I feel your growing devotion.”

  “As I said. That’s not good enough. What if I can’t give you more?”

  “Jezebel, just relax tonight.”

  “I can’t,” she whispered.

  “Let’s not worry about that now. My suggestion is we enjoy our night together. Enough talk about devotion and worries. We are a couple after all. I want to sit by the fire and relax, sharing a few quiet moments together.” The words sounded stilted even to him.

  “Mmm… That is the classic shut down.” Frowning, she patted his chest, a sight catch in her voice.

  “No, I’m just hungry and this has nothing to do with what I know is going to be a fine meal you’ve prepared.”

  This time she grinned. “You’re a bad man.”

  “Women.”

  “Men.”

  “Now stop worrying.” He took a sip of his wine as he studied her face. The devotion issue was troubling her much more than he’d realized. Maybe he just needed to let this concept go for a little while for both of them. Luke sighed, another flash of guilt reminding him he couldn’t run away from the past forever.

  “Easier said than done.” Giving him a pout, she shifted back and forth on the chair, allowing her legs to open wider.

  Of course she was trying to entice him and her feminine wiles were working too well. His swollen and aching cock was pressing hard against his pants, constricting blood flow and for a few seconds he actually panted. “You’re a very bad girl.”

  “Who me?” Taking a single finger, she eased the edge of her teddy up a few inches, exposing her naked pussy.

  Inhaling deeply, Luke rubbed his hand up and down the length of his thigh, pushing back his intense and growing need. “Not yet. I need to let you know about my schedule next week.”

  “Uh-oh.”

  “I’m sorry, baby. I have to go out of town again on Monday. I know it’s a quick turn around but it can’t be helped. Hopefully after that I’ll be home for a longer period of time.”

  Jessie just looked at him, blinking rapidly.

  “Don’t give me that look.”

  “What look is that?”

  “Jessie. This is just business.”

  “It’s always about business,” Jessie snorted.

  The very edge in her voice was the one he hated, haughty and as if she was owed. “Jezebel. Don’t.”

  “Don’t? No problem. Just go out of town and that’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.”

  “Whoa. You need to stop right now. You’re crossing the line.”

  “I’m crossing the line?” Jessie pressed her finger against her chest.

  “Yes, you are.” Luke tilted his head. He’d realized she wouldn’t be thrilled with the news, but to see her strong reaction was riling him. “Let’s just stop. I have to go out of town and there’s nothing I can do about my decision. You know my business is very important and something that drives me. We’ll be able to spend some real quality time together after I return.” A full minute ticked by.

  “Hmmm. Okay. I’ll be your girl Friday waiting for you until you return.” Jerking up from her chair, she grabbed her wine and walked toward the window.

  “Jezebel, do not walk away from me.” Luke tried to tamp back his anger. Was she pushing on purpose?

  “I’m right here. I’m always here.”

  “Yes, you are.” Now he was indeed angry. “All right. I’ll bite. Don’t you want to be? Is thi
s about telling me you no longer want to have our relationship?”

  Jessie turned slightly, a sheepish look on her face. “No. Of course I want to be here. It’s just...”

  “Then what is going on?”

  “Nothing. I realize work is very important to you. I respect that.”

  “Good. Now when I’m gone…”

  “More rules,” Jessie interrupted.

  Luke knew he wasn’t going to win this battle tonight. Remaining quiet, he studied her tense form, the way she was rubbing her arm. He eased in front of her, his look merely a quiet reminder of who he was. When she finally looked at him he finished his thought. “While I’m gone. No playing with yourself. Is that clear?” He could see her tense. While he hadn’t anticipated blurting the words out with such blunt vehemence, he also hadn’t anticipated she’d seem this irritated. He’d imposed what he thought was a simple sanction on her and here she was glaring at him like he’d asked her to stay locked in the house. Luke rubbed his eyes and counted to ten.

  Jessie tipped her head slowly, her eyes narrowing. “What? Why?”

  “I want you very hungry when I return. It’s time you begin restraining yourself.” For the first time in a solid five months, she had daggers in her eyes. Over this? Sighing, he took another sip of his wine and walked away.

  She said nothing else.

  Luke shook his head, exasperated by the entire conversation, and waited for a few seconds before he spoke. “Time for dinner.”

  “Yes, Sir.” The words said in a stilted fashion, she remained unmoving and unblinking for a full minute before walking toward the kitchen.

  Exhaling, he lowered his head. Jezebel was one challenging woman. Then again, he was a difficult man. The dichotomy of their relationship he sometimes called into question. Right now, he couldn’t take his mind off of her, or her stilted and irrational behavior. She was out of sorts, much like he was and tonight seemed to be a turning point. He walked toward the window, so many thoughts racing in his mind. For some reason he believed tonight to be a turning point, maybe for him more than Jessie. They had to cross the final line together. Right now, he wasn’t certain what to think.

  Luke moved back to the table, his heart heavy. Maybe he simply wasn’t the Dom she needed.

  Dinner was reserved, with basic conversation about their respective lives, and by the time they were finished Luke was in a reflective mood. She’d managed to avoid his gaze for the majority of the fifteen minutes or so and by the time she stood up, taking his plate with hers, he was beside himself with curiosity about how far she was going to take her discontent. He’d never seen her be this difficult on purpose before.

  “Dessert?” Jessie’s voice was clipped.

  “Why don’t you clean up the dishes and join me in the living room?” Luke asked quietly.

  Jessie looked at him, a puzzled look on her face. “Okay.”

  “Okay?” My God she was challenging everything with him tonight.

  “Going into the living room usually means a discussion. Since we’ve already had one I was wondering why we were going into the living room.”

  She knew what was going to happen. Of course she did. Now he had no doubt she was pushing his last button, forcing him into a corner. Even her body stance was oozing with tension and sass. Her difficult behavior was a line being drawn in the sand. “How astute of you, sweet Jezebel. You’re right. Tonight you’re going to get that spanking I mentioned and one you so crave.”

  Her eyes opened wide.

  “Yes. Don’t look so surprised. It’s past time and we both know it. Your behavior is deplorable, your attitude surly and in general you continue to fight me on everything. You’re not just willful any longer. Without a doubt it’s time for a spanking. While I was going to give you a maintenance spanking only since I’ve been out of town, the way you’ve acted over dinner isn’t something I can let go.”

  Jessie opening her mouth as if to retort, then looked away, biting her lip. She pressed a hand over her lips as a tiny whimper escaped her mouth.

  Luke thought about the times he’s actually given her a real spanking. They’d been swift and sharp reminders, but never lasting very long and certainly not what she seemed to be craving. Tonight they were adding another layer to their relationship – to a degree anyway. “Do you understand me?”

  “Yes! Yes…yes, Sir.” She gave him a look as she raised her eyebrow.

  He rose to his feet slowly and could see her defiance waning. This was the right decision. “I’ll be in the living room when you get done.” Without saying anything else, he took his glass and walked out of the room.

  Luke set his glass down on top of the mantel and eyed the logs by the hearth. He hadn’t really wanted to give her a harsh spanking tonight, no matter what he’d told her. He was in a passionate mood, wanting nothing more than to hold her by the fire, enjoying some soft music and taking about the future. Instead he was going to spank her ass cherry red.

  He knelt down by the hearth, loading the wood and adding kindling. After opening the flue, he finally found the long matches. Striking the side of the box, he gazed at the flame for a few seconds and thoughts about Suzzana rushed back into his mind. Of course he knew why. Jessie’s confrontational behavior was so reminiscent of Suzzana’s when she was in one of her moods. He didn’t like to compare the two women, but the truth was they were very much alike in many ways. In the attributes that were completely different, he found himself more and more attracted to Jessie because of the dichotomy. She was without a doubt her own woman and unlike any he’d ever met before. Sighing, he tossed the match into the fireplace.

  As the fire began to burn slowly, he sat back on the rug, studying the tiny flicker. Suzzana was the wild child, the one willing to try anything. She moved forward into life by her own standards, shoving her way into every situation. Her bold attitude matched her brassy red hair and her verve for life. She’d been a wild flower blooming brightly when the sun was out. When a storm approached, and one did far too often, she was lost to bouts of depression – ugly, damaging depression.

  Luke brushed his hand through his hair then held it out, lifting up his palm and staring at his features. Clenching his fist, he sighed. He didn’t want to remember the memories, even the good ones. But he didn’t have a choice lately. Memories and visions about Suzzana had been crowding his sleeping and waking moments. His thoughts shifted to Jessie and she’d been right on the money about her assessment of him. The realization should be haunting but maybe he needed to face the past in order to relish the future.

  He stood and leaned against the mantle, remaining unblinking as he envisioned Suzzana’s smile. For a few seconds he could almost hear her laughter. Thinking about the past wasn’t fair to Jessie. Luke studied the flames licking against the logs and frowned. The past was creeping up on the future, threatening to overwhelm his happiness. Clenching his fist, he made a promise to himself. This time he was going to do handle such a heady responsibility with the utmost care and conviction.

  ****

  Jessie barely made it into the kitchen before she groaned, the sound so loud she slapped her hand across her mouth with one hand and barely managed to set the plates down. My God she was jittery. Spanking. Lordie. Luke was really going to really punish her tonight, something she’d been asking for. The solid slaps she was used to didn’t last long nor were they punishment in her mind. Gripping the edge of the counter, she knew this was a turning point. Please, let it be. She concentrated on her breathing as she washed of the plates before slipping them into the dishwasher. Yeah, she’d pushed him. Hard.

  Her mind was reeling, so ready for him to take what she had long considered the last vestige of control. Oddly enough, she was nervous about this level of submission. No matter how much they’d talked about this, she was like a scared kitty cat. The thought made her smile at first, then a myriad of wild emotions bullied through her last resolve.

  She gripped the edge of the counter and lowered her head, watching
as a single tear slipped from her eyes, falling on top of the counter. Her breath was ragged. What was going on with her? Why was there so much apprehension remaining and… No, this was pure and very raw fear. Something was going on with Luke, something she was terrified of. Snuffling, she pushed back the ugly thoughts and swallowed hard. Control. You have to gain control.

  Jessie took her time cleaning the counter and washing the pots and pans, singing her favorite Adele tune. She glanced at the clock at least five times, a rumble remaining in her stomach. Nauseous? Hell, she was ready to barf in the sink. After wiping the kitchen table for the fourth time, one that hadn’t been used to any degree, she tossed the rag into the sink and rolled her eyes. Time to face the music, or in her case, a well deserved punishment.

  She walked slowly into the living room, standing just inside the doorway as she studied his prone form. Luke appeared just as tense as she was. Before walking closer she clenched her fists, pressing them against her thighs.

  Luke seemed to sense her presence, turning to face her, his eyes darting back and forth. “Jezebel.”

  “Sir.” Why was her voice barely audible?

  He eased away from the fire, taking a place on the ottoman located just off to the side of the fireplace. “Come closer. We should talk.”

  Nodding, Jessie walked toward him. Somehow she didn’t think they were going to be doing any more talking. She couldn’t help but remember the way they’d started this love affair. One hot night in a bar filled with innuendos and flirting, dancing and talking and little else. The way they’d talked after the first few months had led them both into the realization they wanted a D/s lifestyle. Domination and submission had been something she’d craved for so long. Now, this moment, the very knowing they were moving into the final steps of defining their relationship was freeing, yet she was filled with apprehension about the future. Oddly enough, not about her needed punishment.

  “What are you thinking?” Luke asked, a smile in his eyes.

  “Just how much of a handful I truly am.”