Beating Around the Bush

by Buchwald, Art

  A senior citizen went to Canada to visit a cousin on the tundra and take photos of moose. As he crossed the border he remembered he had forgotten his antidepressant Zoloft. A snappy Mountie on a horse directed him to a pharmacy in Winnipeg. The senior told the druggist, “I don’t have a prescription,” and the druggist said, “You don’t need one. We are not a third-rate Central American country.”

  After the druggist gave him the drugs he said, “That will be half the price of what you pay for it in the United States.”

  “How can the drug companies sell the same drugs in Canada for half the price?”

  “They don’t have to pay for advertising or marketing. Also, drug companies charge whatever the market will bear. In China they are even cheaper than here. What has the senior citizens really screwed is that in your country under the Medicare rules, you still have to pay double what you do up here.”

  “Why?”

  “Your president lied to you about what they cost and the drug lobbyists lied to him.”

  When the senior citizen got back home he told all his friends how cheap drugs were in Canada. They immediately started to go there. Even with the high cost of gas the drugs were still cheaper than in the United States.

  American citizens with high blood pressure, arthritis and a need for antibiotics traveled to Canada. They started collecting trading cards of Canadian hockey stars. It was the golden age of Canadian-American relations.

  Then Canada came up with a stellar idea. Instead of Americans going up there to buy their meds, they can now buy them on the Web—even Viagra. Any prescription drug advertised on the evening news and American Idol can be purchased north of the border with one click of your mouse.

  A Canadian friend of mine, Norman Richler, said, “You need us more than we need you.”

  “You don’t have to rub it in,” I said. “If the American drug companies lowered their prices no one would buy anything except Kleenex from Canada.”

  Norman said, “Well, it would be a miracle. Drug companies don’t lower prices, they raise them. We also win the price war on generic drugs. It if wasn’t for Canada, many of your people couldn’t afford to take Prozac.”

  “Right, but instead of needling me you should thank us for what we are doing for your economy.”

  He said, “Will you stop thinking of Canada as a banana republic?”

  “Okay, here goes.” I started to sing, “O Canada.”

  The Blues Brothers

  I TRAVELED TO ATLANTA, GEORGIA, where I appeared on a panel on depression. It was held at Skyland Trail, a home that takes care of the mentally ill, and it was co-sponsored by the Department of Psychiatry at Emory University.

  I know what you are saying. “What was he doing on a panel discussing depression?”

  The answer is that Mike Wallace and I came out of the closet on Larry King Live and confessed we both had severe depressions.

  Bill Styron, the author of Sophie’s Choice, was also on the panel. We had our depressions at about the same time and we call ourselves the “Blues Brothers.” Because we went public, we became poster boys for depression. When I confessed I had had two, Styron said, “If you have one more they will put you in the ‘Depression Hall of Fame.’”

  Tom Johnson, former president of CNN, moderated the panel. Also on board were renowned psychiatrists Charles Nemeroff and William McDonald. The topics discussed were all the phases of depression. (If I am depressing you, you don’t have to read any farther.)

  One subject was the stigma the public attaches to the disease. If you have a broken leg or an aching back, people are sympathetic and so is your health insurance company. If you have a depression, people don’t want to hear about it. Even worse, the health insurance company puts you in their “lousy risk” database. Once you get in their computer no company will hire you, or promote you, and you will be the first one to lose your job.

  The subject of anti-depression drugs came up. Why do the pills cost half the price in Canada that they do in the United States? The reason they cost so much in the U.S. is that the drug companies have to pay for research, advertising, door-to-door marketing, and of course, Caribbean cruises, golf country club memberships, Broadway theater tickets, and ski trips for doctors whom they hope will prescribe their medicines. The drug companies call Canada a “loss leader.”

  The audience laughed when one of the panelists asked if you got your pills in Canada, would you only have half a depression?

  This was followed by a question to the psychiatrists: “Why do we laugh when we hear the word ‘depression’?”

  Dr. McDonald said, “We laugh out of fear,” and Dr. Nemeroff said, “It is anxious laughter and the laughter is saying ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’”

  The question of the state of mental health after September 11 came up. Both doctors said that the country is not in good shape because every time someone turns on his television set and sees what is going on, his or her stress factor reaches new levels. The hourly news triggers depression in people. Anxiety is now part of our everyday life.

  In many cases pills are handed out to those who either need them or think they need them because TV ads told them they need them.

  The panel concluded that if you or your loved one is depressed, seek help. Don’t pretend you can handle it alone.

  The “Blues Brothers,” having licked their depressions (for the moment), still joke about it to each other. Styron insists his depression was a 9.7 on the Richter scale and mine was only a rainy day in Disneyworld.

  Our message to one and all is, “Don’t do anything to hurt yourself, like commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.”

  Soldiers of Fortune

  WHAT WE DIDN’T KNOW THEN, and what we now know, is that not only soldiers were involved in the alleged Iraq prison abuse scandals. Some of the people were civilians contracted to do the dirty work. Their job, for which they were highly paid, was to get information out of Iraqi prisoners one way or the other. One way was when the higher-ups were looking and another way was when they weren’t.

  The reason the CIA was so happy to use the soldiers of fortune is that they don’t have to play by the rules, and if they were caught orchestrating a pornographic prison tableaux they could not be court martialed or even given a letter of reprimand.

  No one knows how many contractees are working for us in Iraq, but it’s a very profitable business for contractors who supply the help. Not only do they do intelligence work, they also go on special operations. This causes some friction because the soldier in the Humvee is paid peanuts compared to the civilian riding next to him. While the G.I. in Iraq is fighting to make the world safe for democracy, the contractees are fighting for a raise.

  I spoke to an ex-soldier of fortune who defended the companies who were hired to supplement the military’s work. “We are serving a patriotic need and if we make a profit fighting for our country, that is what capitalism is all about.”

  “How did your company find you?”

  “In the help-wanted ads. I saw one which said, ‘Wanted—ex-military types who still enjoy gathering intelligence. Must be thoroughly knowledgeable in methods of retrieving information from reluctant suspects. This includes use of lit cigarettes, freezing water, and electrodes. Mercenaries must work long hours to break down prisoners but will be paid overtime. If suspect gives vital information, you will receive a bonus and a week’s vacation at Guantanamo Bay.’”

  “I can see why you signed up,” I said.

  “The thing that really got me is that it was tax free. I figured if I worked there for a year I could open a day-care center with my wife.”

  “And it paid off?”

  “It sure did. I didn’t spend a dime in Iraq because the CIA picked up the tab for everything, including my laundry.”

  “Since the news broke about the Abu Ghraib prison do people give you a bad time?”

  “On the contrary. I have been on all the TV shows. The audience wants t
o see a live soldier of fortune. I am also writing a book, Hitting the Soles of Their Feet.”

  “What other perks do you receive?”

  “I can still go to the CIA Officer’s Club and get a loan from the agency’s credit union.”

  “Do you get a pension from the company you worked for?”

  “Yes. I get $1,000 for every month I served and also stock options, which have paid off, since my business is one of the largest growth industries in the world.”

  I said, “If it weren’t for the photos from Abu Ghraib we would never know about your work.”

  “We didn’t take those pictures. They were very dark and grainy.”

  “Do you have any idea how much the civilian contract for Iraq is worth?”

  “No, but we were told to get our intelligence whatever the cost.”

  Torture 101

  THE WORD FROM THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT is that torture is okay as long as you don’t hurt anyone. John Ashcroft’s people handed down a ruling to the CIA and the Pentagon that torture is justified, but only when trying to get someone to spill the beans.

  Where do law students learn this?

  I take you to Slam Dunk Law School, where Professor Garroting is holding a class in Torture 101.

  PROFESSOR: Students, this is a very important course, especially for those seeking employment in the Justice Department. What is the definition of “torture?”

  STUDENT: It is making another person say something he doesn’t want to.

  PROFESSOR: Good. When is it lawful?

  STUDENT: When the country is at war and the president is looking the other way. Professor Garroting, does this mean you can force a prisoner to go naked?

  PROFESSOR: Yes, but it is unlawful to take pictures of him and then give them to the media.

  STUDENT: When deciding which torture is legal, what guidelines should we use?

  PROFESSOR: The rule is, if the prisoners are held without a lawyer, then you don’t have to read them their rights.

  STUDENT: Is there anything on the books that says a person, while being tortured, can invoke the Fifth Amendment so he won’t incriminate himself?

  PROFESSOR: An intelligence officer will refuse to accept that because the United States Constitution doesn’t apply to Iraqis or member of Al Queda.

  STUDENT: So there is nothing in the Constitution about torture?

  PROFESSOR: Not in so many words, but the founding fathers didn’t reject using it against the British when we were fighting during the Revolutionary War.

  STUDENT: What about the Geneva Convention?

  PROFESSOR: Wash out your mouth with soap and water.

  STUDENT: Where do the CIA, the Pentagon and the White House stand on torture?

  PROFESSOR: They look to the Justice Department to tell them what they can do and can not do. In legal terms we say they are all protecting their derrieres.

  STUDENT: Let’s say a prisoner claims he has been arrested without reason.

  PROFESSOR: The rule of thumb is a suspect is guilty until proven innocent.

  STUDENT: Professor, after graduation I am going to sign up with a contractor who wants me to do intelligence work in Iraq. Will I be protected from congressional committees who want to know what I am doing there?

  PROFESSOR: Yes. You don’t have to answer any questions about torture because you are a civilian. That is why the Pentagon and CIA will pay you so well.

  STUDENT: Several of the prison guards are awaiting court-martials for being bad apples in the military. How should we handle their trials?

  PROFESSOR: The defense will maintain their clients were only following orders. As a friend of the court the Justice Department will say, “Okay, try them, and then let’s sweep the rest of it under the rug.”

  STUDENT: Then it should not go up the chain of command?

  PROFESSOR: No, because if it did it could land on the desk of the Secretary of Defense.

  STUDENT: If we write a memorandum for the Justice Department stating torture may be justified for those who won’t talk, do we have to disclose that we wrote it?

  PROFESSOR: No way, because you have a lawyer-client relationship with the CIA and the Pentagon. In the case of Darkness vs. Misery, as a friend of the court, Ashcroft defended Darkness maintaining that the International Red Cross has nothing to say about torture if it is done in good faith. The thing you must remember is that we are at war and human rights are thrown out the window.

  My time is up. There will be a test on Thursday. Your homework is to bring in any obscene pictures from the newspapers you can find.

  The Rich are Different

  IT IS ABOUT TIME somebody said something nice about the rich. The media, politicians and the middle and lower classes are constantly trashing them.

  What are the rich really like? Rich people believe in God and country and tax cuts. They have homes in Manhattan, Palm Beach, Aspen, Malibu and Paris. They pay 15 million dollars for a house and 15 million more to fix it up so it will appear in Architectural Digest.

  There are nouveau rich and there is old money. Donald Trump is a nouveau rich who puts his name on every building in the United States. He flies on jets and helicopters, and sails on yachts. He is a television star. On his television show he explains to fledging executives how they can also get rich. Trump doesn’t have to worry about joining a golf club. If he can’t get in he’ll build one.

  Old money tries to stay out of the papers and magazines. The only time they get in is when a supermarket tabloid shows a picture of one of them topless at the beach in Capri.

  What has happened recently is that the dress code has changed. The very rich people in Hollywood, New York and Silicon Valley show off their wealth by looking grungy. A torn tee-shirt and ripped Levis indicates how rich they really are. You can go to the finest restaurants if you are rich and they will let you in without a jacket or tie.

  Rich women still dress up. They carry Prada handbags, wear Versace pantsuits in the daytime, and black Christian Dior dresses with pearls at night. They will pay $500 for Gucci sneakers.

  Rich people order expensive wines even if they have no idea what they are drinking. They know the maitre d’ by his first name and tip heavily so they won’t get a bad table.

  Rich people don’t root for sports teams—they own them.

  The one thing rich people have to suffer is crooked rich people who cheat, embezzle and steal from their own companies to get even richer than they already are. Although there are not many of these shady rich people (check the front pages every day), they give honest rich people a bad name.

  The crooked rich, when caught, will defend themselves by saying, “Everybody does it.” If they are worried about going to jail they will rat on their crooked rich friends in exchange for a plea bargain. Usually the government will allow them to keep their mansions and their wives can hold onto their diamond necklaces.

  If there is any cloud in the happiness of rich people it is with their children. Some, not all, resent their parents being rich. They hate them because the parents buy them expensive cars and audio equipment and they finance spring break trips to Key West and Acapulco. Worst of all, much to the horror of their parents, some rich kids become Democrats and speak out against Bush’s tax cuts.

  Those who say rich people are just like you and me don’t know what they are talking about. They have their lives and we have ours. The main difference is we have to take out our garbage, but the rich never see any.

  In case you ever run into a rich person, don’t be hostile. You can dream someday that you will be one of them and find the “Bluebird of Happiness.”

  Michael, Say It Isn’t So

  MICHAEL MOORE’S Fahrenheit 9/11 opened last week at a glittery Hollywood preview in Washington. There was a red carpet, press, photographers and an elite audience of liberals, left-wingers, and as Michael said, “People who believe in freedom and are against those who are trying to take it away from them.”

  I was there, not as a liberal or an
“anti-Busher,” but as a fair and objective journalist, who will go to any movie if it is free and the popcorn is on the house.

  As people walked down the carpet, the cameras whirled. Every network and cable station was there. My companion suggested we walk through with paper bags on our heads in case the FBI or the Republican Party were taking pictures.

  Michael Moore arrived and a roar went up from the audience. He took the mike onstage and he said he knew he was talking to the choir of the converted, but since they were all asleep he wanted his film to wake them up. After a lengthy speech the house lights dimmed and the show was on.

  Ever since then I have been asked what I thought of the film. I give it one-and-a-half thumbs and one pinky, and I’m not just saying this to get my loyal and revered conservative readers upset.

  Did I think it was fair to the administration?

  Of course not.

  Did I think it gave a balanced picture of how we got bogged down in Iraq?

  Of course not.

  Was the relationship between the Bushes and the House of Saud any reason for Moore to make it a focal point of the story? Probably not, but it was only a film and should not be accepted as completely true any more than Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ should.

  There were too many things in the movie that were overdone. Michael used every shot of the president playing golf that he could find. I think it slowed down the action and the only people who were interested were golfers.

  In his film, Moore used a real commercial for Halliburton. I found it informative because a spokesman for Halliburton explained exactly what they do, which gives balance to the plot.

  The funniest thing in the film was when Congressman Goss, Chairman of the House Committee on Intelligence, defended the Patriot Act and gave his telephone number out at a news conference to call if anyone thought his rights had been taken away. It turns out it was a phony number. As a practical joke Michael listed Goss’s real telephone number in the film.

  The Congressman didn’t think it was as funny as Moore thought he would.