Beating Around the Bush

by Buchwald, Art

  The film is rated R, which means children can’t see it. But Harvey Weinstein, the executive producer, said the R stands for Republican.

  You can either review Fahrenheit 9/11 as a political tract or as entertainment, like The Wizard of Oz. Moore’s backers say they intended the movie to be both. They hope the box office receipts will fly over the rainbow and also affect the election.

  I’ll be honest. I’ve never seen a picture like this and I am an addicted movie fan.

  Should Michael Moore have made this film?

  Yes, but only if he wanted to prove it is a free country.

  To give you some idea where I stand, after the picture was over, I did not get up when Michael Moore got a standing ovation.

  The Trial

  “SADDAM HUSSEIN, please raise your left hand, the one we will chop off if we find you guilty of crimes too numerous to mention. Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you Allah?”

  “I do.”

  “Mr. Hussein, you have committed many horrendous crimes, including murder, ethnic cleansing, gassing, and rape—and you have 2,300 unpaid traffic tickets in Baghdad. How do you plead?”

  “Not guilty.”

  “How can you say that when the entire world has seen what you did?”

  “My sons, Uday and Qusay, did all those things. You know how kids are.”

  “Didn’t you know what they were doing?”

  “I was suspicious that they were up to some mischief, but they were my sons, so I thought they would outgrow it.”

  “There is evidence that you killed a million Kurds. Why?”

  “They pissed me off.”

  “Did you ever use poison gas to do it?”

  “I didn’t ask any questions. When it comes to genocide I always leave the decisions up to the generals in the field.”

  “I would like to ask you how you could build so many palaces on your salary as president.”

  “I was able to do it through the Food for Peace program. I provided the United Nations with oil in exchange for food. I took kickbacks on each barrel.”

  “Didn’t you feel you were short-changing your people who were starving to death?”

  “They never complained. If anyone did we would listen to his story and then shoot him.”

  Mr. Hussein, you are charged with rape. How many Iraqi women were your victims?”

  “I don’t remember.”

  “One hundred? Two hundred? Three hundred?”

  “A lot more. But I was only following orders.”

  “Whose orders?”

  “I forget the person’s name, but I do know he was high up in the chain of command.”

  “Here is a picture of you firing a rifle on the presidential balcony. Weren’t you violating your own anti-gun laws?”

  “I had a permit.”

  “You couldn’t have done all the things you are accused of alone. Please tell us the names of those who helped you.”

  “If I name names will it help me?”

  “It might. We always show leniency towards those who will rat on their friends. Now I am going to show you a deck of cards with war criminals on them. Please pick a card. Who is that?”

  “That’s Chemical Ali. We called him that as a joke because he loved to gas Kurds. And that is Kamal Mustafa Abdallah al-Tikriti, my half brother. He tortured all my enemies regardless of race, color or profession.”

  “Take another card.”

  “That is Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti. He is another half brother and he played ball on the same little league soccer team as I did in Mosul. Would you like me to do card tricks? Take a card, any card, with a war criminal’s face on it. Now put it back in the deck. The card you picked is Tariq Aziz, the deputy Prime Minister. Right?”

  “May I continue the cross examination? Have you ever heard of the Abu Ghraib prison?”

  “I’ve heard of it, but I have never been there.”

  “Why not?”

  “It had a bad reputation, both before the invasion and then after. When I heard we tortured prisoners there I ordered an investigation, but before I could get a Red Cross report my statue was toppled.”

  “Mr. Hussein, do you feel that you did anything wrong?”

  “If I did, I am saving it for my book.”

  “Oh Darn”

  VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY said it and the whole world heard it. He told Senator Patrick Leahy to “F—yourself.”

  I hadn’t heard this kind of talk since I watched The Sopranos.

  Cheney said the words at a photo op, but the Senate wasn’t in session, so he couldn’t be penalized by the Democratic minority.

  Let’s discuss this like civilized people. The act is physically impossible. I assume Cheney knew this. If he told Leahy to “buzz off,” or “go fly a kite,” it would have been politically correct, even in an election year.

  Since so many people heard it, it is possible that an intern might have slipped something in his herbal tea.

  As a grandfather, I was upset that my four grandchildren heard about it. After it was reported in the papers, one of my grand-sons told his brother what he could do to himself.

  When I said, “Wash out your mouth with soap and water,” he replied, “If Cheney can say it, so can I.”

  But fortunately, another grandson said, “I don’t want to be president if you have to use foul language.”

  Since Cheney said it, the F-word has become part of our family’s mantra.

  One of the complaints about Vice President Cheney using obscenities is that he is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. He might just lose his cool when delivering a State of the Union speech.

  Occasionally people do use the expression, but many say it under their breath when being chastised by their boss, or when arguing with someone who stole their parking space.

  The Washington Post actually spelled out the word, something I have not seen before.

  What effect will this have on foreign relations? Will the U.S. tell the French to do what Cheney told Leahy to do?

  I heard that Colin Powell used the word in dealing with President Chirac. I called the State Department and the person who answered the phone laughed and said, “We’ve been telling the French to ‘beep off’ for years.”

  To our knowledge, President Bush has not publicly told anyone to F—himself, but a White House spokesperson said he tells friends to do it, like he used to at Yale.

  Cheney says if the president uses such language then the vice president has to support him. We won’t know how much Mr. Bush used the expression until we hear the tapes from the Oval Office.

  Richard Nixon used the F-word the entire time he was in the White House.

  Did George Washington use such cuss words? Historians say he didn’t, but Andrew Jackson made it part of his vocabulary.

  Lincoln didn’t because he was too much of a gentleman. But Teddy Roosevelt said it to prove how macho he was.

  So what does this mean to the country?

  It means what it says it means.

  We have lost our moral compass. The Cheney people say to “bleep” is not bad if all the VP was really doing was wishing Senator Leahy a nice day.

  It is a verb and you can conjugate it—I bleep, you bleep, we bleep.

  I expect to hear quibbling about the word, but it is no big deal.

  Telling another person to go “bleep” himself mainly because you don’t like him is something we all do sooner or later. I have five people in mind right now, but I am not allowed to reveal their names.

  How Many Wars?

  THE BIG QUESTION that has come up is how many wars can we fight with our present military forces? The reason the issue has come to a boil is that the Pentagon is keeping the reserve troops in Iraq longer than they said they would have to be there.

  The previous rule of thumb as to how many troops we need was how many wars we could fight at the same time.

  Every president sees it differently. President Eisen
hower believed nuclear weapons were enough of a deterrent to stop the soviets and any other enemy. His slogan was, “More bang for the buck.”

  John F. Kennedy was a two-and-a-half war president. He wanted us to be prepared to fight the Russians, the Chinese, and some third country, like Cuba.

  When China and the Soviet Union stopped talking to each other, Kennedy scaled down our military strategy to one-and-a-half wars—assuming neither country would attack us at the same time.

  At the beginning of his term, Lyndon Johnson was told by his secretary of defense, Robert McNamara, that we could get by fighting one-and-a-quarter wars—the quarter being Viet Nam. But before you could say “Ho Chi Minh,” Viet Nam became a full-fledged war. So Johnson said he needed enough money to fight that war and also the one against the Soviet Union.

  After Nixon made his trip to China, he thought he could get along with two wars, though there was some question about whether he could do it with a volunteer army.

  President Carter came along and all his critics accused him of short-changing the country by giving the Pentagon funds for only one war. As a former captain of a nuclear submarine he said he knew more about war than most people.

  President Reagan, who was known as a peacemaker, said we must prepare for a nuclear war, a conventional war, and a “protracted” war—and still have enough armed forces to invade Grenada.

  The “Great Communicator” also asked for money to build a “Star Wars” defense, and was so convincing Congress gave it to him. Reagan claimed that even if his Strategic Defense Initiative didn’t work, the Soviets would think it did and go bankrupt trying to duplicate it.

  He was right, because the Kremlin threw out communism with the bath water, and Reagan is still getting full credit for it.

  George Bush the First decided to stop Iraq from overtaking Kuwait. That was known as the Gulf War—except the U.S. never laid a glove on Saddam Hussein.

  Bill Clinton was not sure how many wars he wanted to get into. He was criticized for this, but he had other things on his mind.

  Now we come to the present George Bush. He told his Secretary of Defense that he wanted the world to know the United States was not to be trifled with.

  Rumsfeld said he would produce a mean and lean military that could fight anywhere and any time, and still give everyone a tax cut.

  The president accepted the word of the Pentagon and based his foreign policy on war. Bush differs from other presidents in that he felt it was legal to attack the enemy before the enemy attacked us—particularly after the CIA told Bush that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

  Bush told the country, “War, in the cause of peace, is no disgrace.”

  His plans went awry when people like Ahmed Chalabi assured everyone that invading Iraq was a piece of cake.

  Based on this and other misinformation, the Pentagon alerted all its troops and mobilized the National Guard. The invasion was obviously not a piece of cake and to this day nobody can tell us how long our troops will remain there.

  How many wars can America have at one time? Knows only God.

  Commissions for Boo-Boos

  WHENEVER SOMEONE in the administration makes a boo-boo and the public finds out about it, an announcement is made that two commissions are being set up. One commission is formed to find out what went wrong and another to find out who leaked the boo-boo to the press.

  There are now more commissions and investigating committees in Washington than there is office space to accommodate them.

  The reason for all these commissions is that after the administration commits a blooper it is buying time—first by forming the committee, and second by waiting for it to make a report. When that finally happens, they hope the reason for appointing the commission will have been forgotten. (See any environmental commission.)

  Even when appointing a commission, the White House can blow it. Pressure was on President Bush to find out why 9/11 was allowed to happen. At first he refused, but then finally agreed to create a commission. To make sure it would be a friendly one, he announced Henry Kissinger would be the chair, but Kissinger said he would only take the job if he didn’t have to reveal the names of his multi-billionaire clients.

  The Democrats and the press didn’t think it was such a good idea because hearings conducted by Kissinger would not embarrass the government.

  It wasn’t a big loss for Henry. Thanks to all the publicity, he signed up more new clients after he withdrew his name.

  This points out how difficult it is to find a few good men who are politically acceptable to serve and who won’t overturn the apple cart by calling President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, and Condoleezza Rice to testify. (See any commission hearings.)

  Sometimes the commission will ask to see the documents pertaining to the hearings. The White House will agree, if they can find them, or refuse by pleading executive privilege. (See Vice President Cheney’s energy task force meeting notes.)

  The administration takes far more seriously uncovering who has leaked the blooper to the press. Teams of FBI agents are put on the case and not only the leaker, but also all the reporters involved are questioned. The Bush people are still trying to find out who leaked the name of a top secret CIA agent to Robert Novak. There are some people who say the leaker has an office in the White House and did it to embarrass the person who was embarrassing the president. (See Richard Clarke.)

  Leaking is a dirty business, but someone has to do it.

  There are now so many FBI agents looking for so many leakers that they can’t do their other jobs—like investigate people who are illegally recording movies and music. (See Jack Valenti.)

  Members of the Senate and House also set up committees to find out what went wrong, particularly if they can get on television. Republicans and Democrats differ on what questions to ask the witnesses. (See Abu Ghraib prison photo hearings).

  So, as each committee and commission is formed, the unemployment rate for people in Washington goes down. Nobody knows how many people will be needed to sit on future panels, but it will probably double because it is an election year.

  The big question you are asking is what happens to all the presidential commission reports after they are handed in? (See The 9/11 Commission Report.)

  Most of them will be marked “Top Secret” and shredded—or placed in an unmarked grave at Camp David.

  Image Control

  IT WAS A FUNNY HEADLINE: “Drug Companies Seek to Mend Their Image.” The question was, what image?

  Apparently the pharmaceutical companies decided that the customer was beginning to think they were only interested in raising prices, making barrels of money, and producing very expensive TV commercials.

  The top manufacturers met to figure out a way to bring back the good will they used to have in days of yore.

  Malaprop, President of Outrageous Profit Pharmaceuticals, said, “The people are starting to believe we are too greedy and are only interested in the bottom line.”

  “Well put,” said Dormer, of Drugs-R-Us. “We have to change our image. Our polls show people think we are responsible for many people dying because they can’t afford our drugs.”

  Shortstop, the lobbyist for Hysdranstan Drugs, said, “If we don’t change our image, Congress will listen to the people who elected them instead of to us.”

  “Even if we give them more money for their political campaigns?”

  “Yes,” said Shortstop. “The people who are causing us the most trouble are members of the media. Yet without our full-page ads and TV commercials they are out of business.”

  Gladstern, marketing head for Rough Pharmaceuticals, said, “We have our people visiting doctor’s offices with samples of our products and offering them cruises to Bermuda and family weekends at Disney World if they prescribe our drugs. Why can’t we send our representatives into newspaper offices and TV stations to offer free samples of our erectile dysfunction pills?”

  Shortstop said, “It
would be worth a try. A lot of newspaper men are suffering from it.”

  “We should tell the public that our stockholders are widows and orphans.”

  “And they are people who depend on our company dividends for their pensions.”

  Dormer said, “The reason we have such a bad image is that people know it is much cheaper to buy our drugs in Canada.”

  Shortstop said, “Our lobbyists are working on that right now. There is a bill pending in congress that has the president’s support which forbids imports of pharmaceuticals from other countries and generic drugs. We think it is a slam dunk.”

  Malaprop said, “The ones who always complain about prices are senior citizens.”

  Gladstern agreed. “They complain about everything. Even my mother called me a serial pill gouger the other day.”

  “Don’t senior citizens understand how capitalism works?” Shortstop asked.

  “We have to make it much clearer. I suggest a commercial showing white rats playing in their cages. A man in a white jacket says, ‘Each rat costs us two dollars, but we don’t mind spending the money if it will help our research find a new pill to cure athlete’s foot.’”

  “It should fly,” said Dormer. “We could also do another TV ad. It would show an elderly couple with white hair surfing in Hawaii. As they come out of the water holding a surfboard the husband says, ‘Thanks to Whizbottom I feel like a new man.’ His wife winks and says, ‘He is a new man. Jerry has found the perfect pill for the perfect wave.’ Then a voiceover will say, ‘Warning, Whizbottom may cause nausea, high blood pressure, tingling in your feet, shortness of breath, dizziness, and should not be taken when driving a bulldozer.’ Then the couple dives back into the ocean.”

  Malaprop said, “If we are really sincere we can win back the hearts and minds of our customers. But we have to double our public relations budget.”

  Shortstop asked, “Can we afford it?”

  “Malaprop replied, “We can if we double the price of our drugs.”

  Couch Potatoes