Beating Around the Bush

by Buchwald, Art

  NOVEMBER’S ELECTION will not be decided by the people who attended the conventions. It will be decided by the couch potatoes who stayed at home.

  I have to admit that I am a couch potato. I watched the Democratic Convention last week with six friends at the Lucas house. Nadia Lucas had laid out guacamole, cheese dip, tacos, and popcorn, which all couch potatoes consider comfort food.

  “Quiet everyone. Did you hear what I heard?”

  “What?”

  “Theresa Kerry told a newspaper writer to ‘Shove it.’”

  “She is going to get my vote.”

  “You didn’t say anything when Dick Cheney said to Senator Leahy, ‘Go f—yourself.’”

  “He is a man and he is entitled to say anything he wants. A woman must be more ladylike if she hopes to be the First Lady.”

  “I still say she has won the ‘Shove it’ vote, particularly amongst women who believe they are not getting a fair break.”

  People started digging into the guacamole.

  “Boy, all the speeches are downbeat about what is going on in this country. They keep saying the rich get all the cake and the poor just get the crumbs.”

  “The speakers have to say something to get a standing ovation. They want the delegates to wave their signs and clap their hands and shout ‘Kerry!’”

  The Republicans will do the same thing. You can’t have a convention without standing ovations.”

  “I wish everybody wouldn’t say that we are worse off today than we were four years ago. I sell handbags and the speakers are not helping my business.”

  “Every speaker brings up Kerry’s war record.”

  “Why not? Bush has none.”

  “That’s dirty pool. The president didn’t fly in the war but he landed on a carrier after we won in Iraq.”

  “I don’t think the Democrats should keep pointing to the fact that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We went there to wipe out Saddam Hussein and we did a good job.”

  “It seems to me that they are hitting the ‘job’ problem too hard. Every time a speaker says the unemployment rate is at its highest, the applause is thunderous.”

  “They are not cheering the unemployment rate—they are cheering the people who are responsible for it.”

  The cheese dish was getting low.

  “The Kerry girls are very pretty.”

  “You don’t vote for a president because he has pretty daughters. Bush’s daughters are beautiful, too.”

  “Anyone seen a poll on whose daughters are more beautiful?”

  “Clinton is a rock star.”

  “So is Bono.”

  “Michael Moore and Bill O’Reilly went mano a mano the other night on Fox. It was the best show of the night because they weren’t kidding. I would give it to Moore on points.”

  And so it went. The couch potatoes for the most part are still in the “don’t know” column. They say they’re waiting to see if Laura Bush will tell someone at her convention to “Shove it.”

  Meat Loaf

  EVERY SUMMER there is a story that blows my mind. This summer the big news is that my friend Mike Wallace was arrested in New York and was handcuffed and taken to the slammer.

  Let’s get the facts straight. Mike drove to a take-out restaurant on Third Avenue for meat loaf. The traffic police said his driver was double-parked. (Mike does not drive in New York because he can never find a place to park without paying $20 an hour.)

  Mike, who was hungry, went into the take-out. When he came out he saw that the traffic police were saying unkind things to his driver. Mike intervened and was told to get back in his limo. When he refused, Mike exchanged unkind words with the police. They say he lunged at them. Mike says he has never lunged at anyone in his life, including Barbra Streisand.

  The next thing you know he was handcuffed and taken to the station house. The press went crazy, and as far as I can tell, they are still in a shark frenzy.

  Mike has given his side of the story to every newscaster on the air.

  Now those are the facts.

  I have known Mike Wallace for years, and although he cheats at tennis, I have never known him to double-park in New York. The only time he committed “disorderly conduct” was when he tried a junk shot on the court.

  Why the public’s interest? Mike is an American icon. He has interviewed China’s leaders, Saudi Arabian sheiks and exposed healthcare scams in Florida. Every Sunday millions of people sit in their living rooms waiting for their 60 Minutes fix.

  Mike speaks for the little people. If someone is in jail, Mike tries to get him out, and if a crook is not in jail, he tries to send him there.

  So the reason there was such a stir when Mike got arrested was because he was handcuffed. People who have double-parked were on his side. Those who admire him for his looks considered him a role model. Those who love take-out food said they would do the same thing.

  I know Mike Wallace from Martha’s Vineyard. I have been in his home, played gin rummy with him, and eaten lobster with him.

  But he did break the law.

  The question everyone must answer is one of loyalty. Do you stand with the person who double-parked and says he will never do it again—or do you let the wheels of justice turn?

  I have chosen to stand by Mike. If he needs it I will even start a “Free Mike Wallace” fund. I am planning a parade down Third Avenue if I can get a permit and a parking place.

  Mike is now back on the Vineyard, awaiting his trial in October. They didn’t make him put up any bail or give up his passport. (Brazil is the only country that does not consider double-parking an extraditable offense.) CBS guaranteed he would not skip the country.

  Now you know the whole story. Some good things came out of it. Mayor Bloomberg declared meat loaf the official New York comfort food. Mike now wears a sweatshirt that says, “Doubleparkers Need Love Too,” and he has been nominated for the “Parking Hall of Fame.”

  Husseinku

  HERE’S THE LATEST NEWS about Saddam. He’s in jail being given three healthy meals a day, is allowed to garden, read books, and write poetry.

  This is the verse I think he would write. It is called Husseinku.

  Allah is good,

  Allah is merciful,

  Allah kills worms in my garden.

  My two sons are gone,

  Gone to heaven,

  Does that mean we can’t win the Olympics?

  If I killed any Kurds

  It was for their own good.

  Poison gas is cheap.

  People say I am evil,

  People say I am bad,

  But why do people hate me?

  It will take two years to try me.

  Not to worry,

  I will plead insanity.

  If I don’t have a hung jury

  I will get my people

  To hang the jury.

  The Red Cross brings me shaving cream,

  The Red Cross brings me Marlboros,

  Yet they know I smoke Camels.

  I am happy because

  Although I am here,

  My money is in Switzerland.

  Osama is still free.

  If he turned himself in

  He would get three hot meals a day.

  My prison guards are soldiers

  Who keep looking at me

  To make sure I am me.

  My wives don’t come to visit me.

  If they get married again,

  I won’t give them child support.

  I don’t believe in women’s rights.

  I don’t believe in same-sex marriage.

  Call me a conservative.

  I miss my shotgun,

  I miss my pheasants,

  I miss my bodyguards who miss me.

  They won’t let me be on TV.

  Who can it hurt,

  But Larry King?

  When I die seventy-two virgins wait for me.

  It will be hard to remember

  All their names
.

  I am willing to do community service

  As long as it doesn’t

  Hurt my back.

  They tore my statue down.

  It wasn’t me.

  It was one of my doubles.

  I am a prisoner of war,

  They can’t yell at me,

  Or make me take off all my clothes.

  I can’t spit on Iran,

  I can’t spit on the U.S.,

  I am in a “No spitting” zone.

  Give my regards to Kuwait,

  Say hello to Mosul Square,

  Tell the boys I will soon be there.

  After killing a spider

  I feel better because

  I have killed before.

  The sand blows in my face,

  Bush can’t find my weapons,

  So he just sucks on hard candies.

  In addition to his poetry, Saddam also writes books. He lives a good life—and that is why we invaded Iraq.

  Compassionate Conservatism

  AT THEIR CONVENTION, the Republicans’ main theme was “Compassionate Conservatism.” The party wanted the world to know they care for the poor, children, the environment, and the war in Iraq.

  How did they achieve their goal?

  I talked to doctor Heinrich Applebaum, the party’s medical advisor. I said, “We all know the Republican platform was much farther to the right than the speakers. What was their secret?”

  “I gave them Compassionate Conservative pills,” he said. “Just before they went up on the stage they took two pills with a glass of water. If they felt the effects were wearing off, they took two more while they were speaking.”

  “After taking the pills could they drive or use heavy equipment?”

  “I warned them it was not such a good idea.”

  “The people at the convention didn’t mind the compassion?”

  “No. Even the right wing cheered the early speakers because they knew the last two nights they would get red meat,” he said.

  “By the way, what is a Compassionate Conservative?”

  “It is someone who believes he wants to help the working poor, the uneducated, and the unemployed—not with money, but with prayers and tax cuts.”

  “Amen,” I said.

  “This is the opposite of the liberal who is the enemy of the state and wants the government to bail out the country. The liberal is against drilling for oil in Alaska, cutting down trees in Oregon and limiting the number of snowmobiles in Yellowstone National Park.”

  “What about Dick Cheney?”

  “He refused to take any. He said the pills made him nauseous. He told us beforehand he was not going to play the role of the good guy. The vice president doesn’t have to be a Compassionate Conservative. He has to say things with no compassion at all.”

  “He made his point in his speech to the choir,” I agreed. “I noticed he didn’t defend his role in Halliburton.”

  “He felt the convention wasn’t the right place to do it and the press would have another excuse to make a big deal over it.”

  What about Senator Zell Miller, the Democrat from Georgia who gave the Republican keynote speech?”

  “Because it was such an extreme switch, the pills didn’t work. We had a cardiologist give him a heart transplant. Since he gave the keynote speech for Clinton in 1992, he needed a new heart.”

  “You did a marvelous job,” I told him. “He sounded more like a Republican than Dick Cheney. He said he didn’t leave the Democratic Party—it left him. Did you give Arnold Schwarzenegger a heart transplant?”

  “Yes. His was one of the most successful Compassionate Conservative heart operations we have had.”

  “Whose heart did you give him?”

  Applebaum replied, “If you promise not to tell anyone, we gave him Teddy Kennedy’s.”

  “I don’t believe it.”

  “Figure it out. Arnold is married to Maria Shriver, a member of the Kennedy family.”

  “But Teddy is a liberal. What is his heart doing in a Republican’s body?”

  “Arnold does not agree with everything in the Republican Party, but his heart still belongs to Bush.”

  “But when he spoke he sounded like a liberal. How could he agree to the transplant?”

  “Maria told him, ‘You owe it to our family.’”

  Left Behind

  I KNOW YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS, but in spite of what Bush said, I met a child who was left behind. He was sitting on the curb, crying.

  “What are you crying about?”

  “I was left behind.”

  “Where are your parents?”

  “My mother is in a rehab home and I don’t know who my father is. I can’t read or write and everyone makes fun of me.”

  “That shouldn’t be. The president said he didn’t want to leave one child behind.”

  “What is a president?”

  “He is not God, but he thinks he is. He claims to produce miracles and he loves all his children.”

  “I never saw him.”

  “He is there. You are very important to his educational program, and if anyone finds that you are left behind it could hurt him in the November election. Why do you think you were left behind?”

  “The teacher didn’t like me.”

  “I am sure you made that up.”

  “I didn’t have nice clothes and everyone else said I was a troublemaker. The teacher said if I didn’t keep quiet she would leave me behind.”

  “That must have frightened you.”

  “Not really. She has left behind hundreds, maybe thousands.”

  “Well, you are the only one I know sitting on the curb crying.”

  “The others are hanging out at the street corner or stealing hub caps and anything else they can get their hands on.”

  “Wait until the president finds out. He will turn Homeland Security on them. Has anyone told you that you were left behind?”

  “No one talks to me so how would I know?”

  “Well, you must have felt it or you wouldn’t be crying.”

  “What does it all mean?”

  “It all started when the Children’s Defense Fund used ‘Leave No Child Behind’ as its slogan. Then President Bush stole the idea and used ‘No Child Left Behind’ as his slogan. Now he says he will see that no one is left behind, even though he knows it is not the truth.”

  The child looked at me blankly.

  I continued, “It is all political. The president wants everyone to think he cares about them. Then they will vote for him.”

  “If he really cared about me he would buy me basketball sneakers.”

  “He can’t afford that. He has a war to fight.”

  The boy started crying again.

  I said, “If I bought you sneakers would you stop crying and go back to school?”

  “Uh-huh—the ones like Michael Jordan wears.”

  “Maybe, but you have to promise to go back to school and study.”

  “How can I study if I can’t read or write?”

  “You are going to have to learn. Otherwise you will be left behind again and you will eventually wind up snatching purses from ladies as they are walking down the street.”

  “They will never catch me if I have Michael Jordan’s sneakers.”

  “No sneakers no school.”

  “Why are you talking to me?”

  “You are the only child I have met who has been left behind. You are a good human interest story.”

  He thought about this. “Will you buy me a Big Mac?”

  “For a kid you drive a hard bargain. I will, but I’m not doing it for you—I’m doing it for President Bush.”

  Trial Lawyers—Who Needs Them?

  ONE OF THE BIGGEST standing ovations at the recent Republican convention occurred when the speaker attacked trial lawyers because they are driving up the cost of healthcare with their malpractice lawsuits.

  It was a dangerous move because there is now a lawyer in every household a
nd I have one in my family. She was watching the convention with me on television in the living room.

  She said, “What do they know about malpractice? They are not telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help them God.”

  “But it is good politics,” I said.

  “I had a case where a surgeon removed the wrong breast from a patient. Another doctor had to remove the correct breast. If anyone ever needed a trial lawyer she did.”

  I was appalled.

  She said, “It wasn’t just a question of money. My client wanted to put the doctor out of business so he would never operate again.”

  She continued, “Now here is the rotten part of it. The insurance company representing the doctor also had a trial lawyer. He tried to blacken her name to the jury and prove my client was responsible for what happened.

  “So trial lawyers are not only hired to bring malpractice suits, they are also signed up as defense lawyers by doctors and drug companies. The lobbyists in Washington want Congress to put a cap on the amount of money awarded in suits that would punish doctors and drug companies.”

  “I have never met a lobbyist who didn’t get what he wanted,” I said.

  She continued, “Trial lawyers don’t just do malpractice cases. They also defend people accused of white-collar crimes. I bet there are a lot of them in the hall right now.”

  “How do you know?”

  “They are the ones sitting on their hands when everyone else is on their feet cheering the attacks on lawyers.”

  “I can see why they could be upset.”

  “The law is the trial lawyers’ bread and butter. They will not only defend Republicans, but Democrats as well if the fee is right,” she said. “And in class action suits they will charge whatever the traffic will bear.”