Never Let Go (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  A knock at the door pulled me out of my thoughts. Emily was upstairs getting changed so I walked over to answer it. I knew it would be Snickers. The original plan was for them to meet up and go out somewhere, but after today’s events Emily wanted to stay in. Chris was staying the night with a friend to give them some ‘girly time’ and once Em came downstairs, I was heading to Aunt Sarah’s.

  “Hey, American,” she greeted. “Move ‘em or lose ‘em,” she added, pointing to my legs. Smiling, I stepped aside and let her wheel past me before closing the door. “Where’s Em?”

  “Upstairs. Is Jared still on for tonight?” I knew he was, because I texted him. I guess I was just making conversation.

  “Yep. I think he’s secretly really chuffed. He’s missed your bromance.”

  Bromance?

  “Rachel!” Emily said, leaping across the room and bending down to hug her. Still no smile…

  “Whoah… What’s going on, Em? You sounded like shit on the phone.”

  “I’ll leave you guys to it,” I interrupted, walking over to Emily and bringing her in for a kiss. “You gonna be okay? I really don’t mind staying.”

  “Seriously you guys are really shitting me up now,” Snickers piped up.

  “I’ll be fine,” Emily assured, but I just couldn’t bring myself to believe her.

  “Well I won’t be late. Don’t ever forget that I love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  Wrinkling my face in concern, I kissed her chastely on the lips, nodded to Snickers and then left for Aunt Sarah’s.

  **********

  Using my key, I opened Aunt Sarah’s front door. My neck jerked back a little and my eyes widened in surprise when I saw Jared sitting on her couch with his legs spread out.

  “Wasn’t expecting you for another hour,” I said, kicking the door closed behind me and walking over to him to shake his hand.

  “I was bored, and I didn’t think your lovely aunt here would mind my awesome company.” Jared winked at Aunt Sarah, making my stomach churn.

  “Dude… no flirting with my aunt,” I scolded, shaking my head and trying not to smile. Aunt Sarah giggled and raised her palms in the air. “You find the place okay?”

  “Taxi driver did, yeah.”

  After making my way over to the recliner, I flopped backwards and let out a heavy groan.

  “What a fucking day,” I breathed, feeling completely exhausted.

  “What’s happened, honey? Is Emily okay?” Aunt Sarah asked.

  “Chris is dying,” I blurted out, pinching the bridge of my nose between my fingers as if that would make a difference to the violent headache I was getting. No one spoke, but both Jared and Aunt Sarah’s mouths dropped open. “Brain tumor,” I added.

  “Jesus,” Jared muttered.

  “My God, poor Emily. How is she coping?”

  “She’s not. And I don’t have a fucking clue how to help her.”

  “You stay strong, that’s how you help her,” Aunt Sarah said firmly. The hidden meaning didn’t go unnoticed. She was effectively telling me no matter how hard this situation was, now was not the time to get off my face on whatever substance I could lay my hands on.

  “I have no intention of using again.” And I meant it. Of course I’d considered it. The second I found the letter in Chris’ truck my skin started to itch… but I will not let Emily down again. Not ever.

  “I wasn’t suggesting you were,” she retorted, flashing me a motherly smile.

  “Yes you were, and I don’t blame you. I’ve thought about it, sure. But I won’t go there again. Ever.”

  “Finally,” she breathed, unable to contain the wide smile that crawled across her lips. “You’re being honest with us. I think Jeff may have been the therapist to finally get through to you.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. I kinda miss Jeff. He ‘got’ me, you know? I have a new appointment with some dude called Jacob Reeves next week and I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to it. It feels like starting from scratch all over again. Then again, Jeff said he’s a friend who takes the same ‘relaxed’ approach as he does. Jeff says relaxed, I say fucking crazy.

  “How long’s he got?” Jared asked, getting straight to the point.

  “With treatment, ten months-ish.”

  “Holy fuck.”

  “Poor boy.”

  “And is he having treatment?” Jared questioned before blowing out a heavy breath.

  “Yeah. Starts chemo on Friday. I’m fucking gutted. He’s done so much for me when all I deserved from him was a punch in the face.”

  “I don’t know what to say, mate.”

  “Would it make me a selfish bastard if I said I don’t want you to say anything? I just want to talk about something else for a couple of hours.”

  “That doesn’t make you selfish, honey. You need a break. That’s understandable.” I smiled gratefully. “Drink?” she added, flipping her gaze between me and Jared.

  “I’d offer you a beer,” I interjected. “But she doesn’t keep them in the house, what with me being a raging addict and all.”

  “No problem. I can’t drink anyway right now.”

  I swear, if I’d been eating or drinking I would’ve choked to death.

  “You’re shitting me right? Is this because Snickers can’t drink with the babies and you’re trying to be one of these ‘new men’ – otherwise known as pussy-whipped morons?”

  “Who are you trying to kid? You are so one of those pussy-whipped morons. If Em said jump you’d say how high.” Yeah… I am one of those guys aren’t I? “But no. I’ve been diagnosed with epilepsy. Can’t drink while they mess around with my meds to see which one suits best.”

  “How the hell did that happen out of the blue like that?”

  “It wasn’t out of the blue,” he admitted, sighing heavily. “I’d been having these seizures for years. I just wasn’t man enough to get them checked out until I ended up almost killing myself while you were in the States.”

  “Holy fuck.” Sinking further into my chair, I sat back and listened intently to Jared’s life story.

  **********

  Fucking hell. While I was busy shooting shit into my veins and generally being a selfish bastard, the world was falling apart. First my mom died, then Jared had a seizure at the wheel and almost died, and Chris got a brain tumor and will die. Seriously when are we going to get a break? A new start?

  I might not deserve a happy ever after but my friends and family sure as shit do.

  I had it all planned when we came back to the UK. I was going to work my way through my ‘New Life’ list, help Emily make her way through hers too… I’ve not even shown Emily the list yet but I’m guessing it’s something she couldn’t care less about right now.

  “…so after she told the delivery guy to go fuck himself, the florist wouldn’t deliver for me again,” Jared rambled, snatching me from my untimely musings. We’d finished our chili and Aunt Sarah’s homemade garlic bread, and he was telling me how he would send Snickers a rose petal for every day they’d been together. But then they had a huge argument and she sent the flower guy packing.

  “I suppose it was a stupid idea really. I mean how many petals would I need to get for our fiftieth anniversary? And I’d be so old I probably wouldn’t even remember. So now she gets a kiss every day instead. I mean… I kiss her anyway, but one is dedicated to our new day of being together.”

  “You might wanna put your hands down your pants, man.”

  “Huh?”

  “You need to check and see if your dick’s still there. ‘cause for a second I could’ve sworn you’d turned into a chick.”

  “Very funny, arsehole.”

  “We should head back. Check on the girls,” I suggested once Aunt Sarah came back in the room after cleaning the dishes. I offered to help, but I didn’t hesitate to accept her reply when she told me to stay put and relax. Jared agreed and after a goodbye hug and a yawn from Aunt Sarah, we began making our way back to Chris�
��.

  “Thanks, man,” I uttered to Jared as we approached the terraced house. The last few hours had involved some lightheartedness – some ‘normality’… and now I was going home, I knew the severity of our new situation was going to punch me in the fucking face.

  “For?” he asked quizzically.

  “I dunno,” I shrugged. “Being a friend I guess.”

  “Now whose dick is shriveling, huh?”

  “Jackass.”

  “Seriously, stop flirting with me. I think I’m getting a semi.”

  That right there, is typical Jared. He has no filter and takes everything one step too far. I’d never tell him as much, but I wouldn’t want him to be any other way.

  “Too far, dude. Way too far,” I said, laughing softly as we made our way to the front door. Then, as soon as my hand touched the handle, all traces of humor evaporated from my body.

  Chapter Six

  Emily

  “I’m gutted that I’ve missed out on so much,” I admitted to Rachel. Pangs of guilt twisted deep in my belly as she filled me in about the last few months. “I was a coward. I didn’t know how to tell you how bad things had gotten so… I just avoided telling you altogether. And well… I guess I thought you’d just tell me to cut my losses and run.”

  “You’re right. I would’ve said that,” Rachel agreed. “But if you’d told me that wasn’t an option for you – that you loved him, then I would’ve been behind you all the way.”

  “And I should’ve known that,” I admitted, shaking my head shamefully.

  “But I could say the same thing. I didn’t make the effort either. I was too pissed off with you.” Ouch. That stung. “But looking back I was more pissed off with myself and I was taking it out on you. Jesus, Em… I didn’t know how fucked-up I was until Jared started pressing for more. I’d never considered myself insecure before, but holy fuck it was such a struggle to accept that he loved me. Me. The cripple with the foul mouth who could give Kat Von D a run for her money.”

  “Stop it, Rachel,” I scolded. “Don’t refer to yourself like that.”

  “It’s okay though because I don’t think like that anymore. Jared… he’s changed me, ho. He’s made me see all the good things about myself that I didn’t know were there before.”

  “I always knew they were there. But I also always knew you didn’t. You’re not as good an actress as you like to think you are.”

  “But you never tried to change me.”

  “Of course I didn’t. You’re my best friend. I love you, and I accepted you for who you were.”

  “But Jared wouldn’t accept me. Not in a bad way… it’s like he knew I was hiding and made it his mission to find me.”

  “Wow,” I chuckled. “I would never have guessed Jared could be so sweet.”

  “Me neither. He can be more than sweet too. He turns into an animal in the bedroo-”

  “Enough!”

  I found myself giggling as I swatted Rachel’s arm. For a few minutes I’d forgotten my brother was dying, and the second the realisation hit, guilt consumed me.

  “I don’t know how I’m supposed to face this,” I said, tears welling in my eyes.

  “Neither do I,” Rachel admitted, pulling me into a hug. “Neither do I.”

  The sound of keys jangling in the front door made me pull out of Rachel’s embrace. Seconds later, Dexter and Jared strolled into the living room wearing wary smiles.

  “Hey,” they said in unison. Dexter headed towards me and balanced himself on the arm of the sofa where I was sitting. He bent down and kissed the top of my head before whispering “I love you, doll,” in my ear, making me smile. Jared however, decided to sit in Rachel’s wheelchair, and proceeded to spin himself round in circles.

  “What the fuck are you doing, dickwart?” Rachel asked Jared, raising an eyebrow at him.

  “Hey, I miss my wheels, okay? This is the next best thing,” he replied with a playful grin. Rachel told me all about Jared’s epilepsy diagnosis earlier in the evening. Although he’s hiding it well, I know he must be struggling. Especially the driving part – Jared loved his BMW like it was human. “Hey, Dex… you have to come check out the lift in our house. It’s so much fun.”

  Rachel rolled her eyes at Jared and judging by the wink he flashed her, I think he was saying these things purely to annoy her. Though she did tell me how genuinely excited he got the first time he rode in the lift at her parents’ house. That’s as goofy as it is adorable don’t you think?

  “Well I was thinking we could come home with you guys next week. Collect some of our stuff,” Dexter suggested. My quizzical eyes shot up in his direction. We couldn’t leave now. I can’t leave Chris. “Doll, you need your car and I need my bike. We only have to stay a night or two.”

  “I’m not leaving Chris right now,” I replied firmly.

  “You’ll do as you’re bloody well told.” Everyone’s eyes flitted towards the voice, zoning in on Chris standing in the doorway. “I’m not letting you change your life for me, Emmie.”

  “I thought you were staying with a friend tonight?” I asked.

  “I wanted my own bed. I don’t feel too good.”

  “What’s wrong? Should I call someone?” I asked in a fluster.

  “Emmie… chill out. I’ve got a headache. It’s kind of part of the brain tumour package.” He tried to lighten the mood but I scowled at him, not finding his comment amusing in the least.

  “Whatever, hotstuff,” Rachel interrupted. “You came because you’ve missed me right?”

  So it seemed Rachel was still intent on flirting with my brother even though she had Jared now.

  “Damn. You caught me,” Chris teased. “Though I hear you have someone else now?” he added, nodding towards Jared. “I’m hurt,” he said, clutching his chest.

  “Couldn’t wait around for you forever, sexy chops. Besides, he knocked me up so I’m kind of stuck with him now.”

  “Will everyone stop acting like everything is rosy in the fucking garden!” Four sets of eyes widened in response. I only ever swear when I’m angry… and dear God was I angry.

  “Emmie,” Chris breathed, approaching me cautiously. Dexter tried to take hold of my hand but I shoved him away and jumped to my feet. “Emily…” Chris began again, but I shook my head, refusing to listen. Then I ran from the room and up the stairs, taking two at a time.

  **********

  I heard knocking on my bedroom door and peeled myself off the mattress to open it. There was no point ignoring it. Whoever it was would just come in anyway.

  “You can’t keep running from this, Emmie,” Chris said the second I opened the door. Dexter was standing behind him, and then he squeezed past Chris and took me in his arms.

  “We should talk about this,” Dexter said. “Snickers and Jared have gone. Come downstairs?” he asked. I didn’t want to, but I agreed anyway with a weak nod.

  When we got downstairs I took up my usual spot on the sofa, curling my legs up under my bum. Dexter, of course, sat next to me, and Chris sat on the edge of the coffee table with his knees touching mine.

  “Emmie,” Chris began. “I’m not going to patronise you and say this is going to be easy for any of us. But the way everyone was before? That was normal. Don’t you see I really need that right now? I have just a few months left, and-”

  “Stop it,” I spat. “Stop saying that.”

  “No. I won’t stop saying it because it’s the truth and you need to start accepting it. I don’t want these last few months to be filled with people pussy-footing around me. I don’t want people looking at me differently, treating me differently, or talking to me like my time is up. Because it’s not. I don’t know how long exactly I have left but I’m not gone yet, and I’m gonna fucking fight for as long as I can. Fight for you, fight for my friends, fight for a little more life. What I won’t do is fight this fucker,” he said angrily, tapping the side of his head. “Just to gain a few extra months of people treating me like I’m going to br
eak. I don’t want that, Emmie. I want to enjoy the time I’ve got left and I need you to understand that.”

  “I-I do understand,” I choked out. “But I can’t stop thinking about it. It feels like I’m missing you already and I can’t cope with it.”

  “You can cope. I didn’t give this arsehole another chance for nothing,” he said, throwing a teasing glance towards Dexter. “You are not alone, Emily. You need to let the people who love you help you through this instead of running away or ignoring it. And I need the people who love me to treat me like they always have. I’m not sure how long I can do this for if they don’t.”

  “I’ll try. I promise I will try.”

  “Thank you, Emmie. That’s all I ever want from you.” Chris leaned forward and kissed my forehead before smiling at me, his eyes twinkling with gratitude. “She’s all yours, mate,” he said, nodding to Dexter. “I’m hitting the sack.”

  “G’night, man,” Dexter replied. All I could muster was yet another weak smile. When Chris was out of the room Dexter pulled me close and I nuzzled into his chest. “I’m so proud of you, doll,” he whispered into my hair. And that’s the last thing I remember before crying myself to sleep in his arms.

  **********

  A few days passed and I was getting pretty good at ‘pretending’ I’d accepted things. It was becoming easier to smile during the day and only cry at night. Only Dexter knew, and he would hold me close until my exhausted brain and swollen eyes gave up the fight and went to sleep.

  Today is Chris’ first chemo session. Dexter is going with him and I’m secretly pleased about that. Does that make me selfish? He had to go to the hospital yesterday to have blood taken to check his liver and kidney function. Dexter went there with him too because I had to deal with a potential new client. He’s a big one – interested in us servicing a whole fleet of vans. Dexter could’ve easily dealt with him, but the fact he didn’t suggest it makes me think he knew I just wanted to keep myself busy.

  I just want it all to disappear. A giant lump has formed in my chest. It feels like it’s wrapping around my heart, crushing it, crushing me. It’s incredibly painful and it’s growing every day. Sometimes I wonder if it will finish me off altogether when Chris is gone. I don’t know how to live without him and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to try.