Never Let Go (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  Chapter Seven

  Dexter

  “You sure you’ll be okay here on your own?” I asked before kissing the tip of Emily’s nose. Chris had just finished up an oil change and had ran home to change before his appointment. I stayed behind with Em, and Chris was coming to pick me up when he’d finished getting ready.

  “Yeah,” she shrugged. “Rachel said she might swing by. If it stays this quiet I might close up early and go and see her parents with her. I feel bad that I didn’t make it the other day.”

  “I like that idea,” I admitted. “I don’t like you being alone just now.”

  “I won’t break, Dex.”

  “I know you won’t. You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. But still, it makes me feel better knowing you have someone when I’m not around.”

  “I miss you, Dexter.”

  “Miss me? I’m right here, doll.” Emily snaked her arms around my waist, pulling me closer. She looked up at me coyly through her long, mascaraed lashes and then it hit me. “Ah, you miss me.” Grinning devilishly, I leaned my face towards hers. Flicking out the tip of my tongue I swept it across her closed lips, teasing for entry. With a soft moan that made me instantly hard, she willingly parted them and I dipped inside. Sliding my hand between her legs and rubbing her through her jeans, I tangled my tongue with hers for a while before grazing it over the edge of her teeth “Fuck, I’ve missed you too,” I groaned into her mouth. With everything that’s happened this last week, the closest I’ve been to Emily is holding her while she cries.

  “Not in the fucking office, guys,” Chris grumbled, startling us both. We jumped apart quickly and when my eyes landed on him in the doorway, he was shielding his eyes with his hand. “Let me know when it’s safe to open my eyes.”

  “Safe,” Emily said through a small giggle. The sound made my heart swell. Her laugh is adorable and I don’t get to hear it nearly often enough.

  “If you want to stay here and finish off my sister I can go on my own.”

  “Chris!” Instantaneously, Emily’s cheeks heated, clashing with her red hair.

  “I’ve told you I’m coming,” I said flatly. Chris was all for doing this shit by himself but I wouldn’t have that. Fuck knew how it was going to affect him and if there’s one thing a man with only months left to live shouldn’t be, it’s alone. “Love you, doll,” I tacked on, turning to Emily and kissing the tip of her nose. I do that a lot – it makes her smile. “Come on, man. Let’s go get you pumped full of drugs.”

  “Try not to get too jealous, huh?” Chris shot back. Stifling a laugh, I playfully punched his arm. “See you later, Emmie.”

  “Chris?” she called after him.

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you.”

  I witnessed Chris close his eyes and breathe in her words. A content smile tugged at his lips before he opened his eyes again and played down his emotions.

  “I’m not dying today, sis!” he called over his shoulder. “But I love you too,” he whispered to himself. I’m not even sure I was supposed to hear it.

  Fuck, this shit is hard.

  **********

  We found our way easily to the oncology department – it was quickly becoming a second home. After announcing Chris’ arrival to one of the three receptionists sitting behind the large half-moon desk, we were immediately shown through to the treatment room. We followed a short nurse, dressed in salmon-pink scrubs into a large room with an array of beds and recliners dotted around the edges. Each bed/recliner was partitioned off with pastel-yellow curtains and had space-age looking machines standing either side.

  Three of the beds and two of the recliners were filled. Some had hair, some didn’t. Some had tear-stained eyes, some wore smiles. Some were alone, some weren’t. But they all had wires sticking out of some part of their body, attached to long tubes being fed from a drip above them.

  Chris was told to choose whichever spot he would feel most comfortable in, and opted for a recliner next to the window with slatted blinds. I pulled up a hard plastic chair and sat next to him, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees.

  “Christopher?” A woman - thirty-ish with short brown hair and wearing a black pantsuit asked on her approach.

  “Chris,” he corrected.

  “Chris,” she repeated. “I’m Paula. Your Macmillan nurse,” she introduced, holding up the I.D. card that hung from her neck. We were told yesterday at Chris’ blood test appointment about the Macmillan team. The nurse explained that Chris would be issued his own personal nurse while she drew the blood into little vials. His Macmillan nurse will be around for most of his chemo sessions, and will also visit him at home from time to time, until the time comes when she will need to be around regularly. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what that means.

  “Yeah,” Chris replied. “I was told a little about you yesterday.”

  “Well I’m just here to introduce myself for now and answer any questions you might have – I won’t be administering your treatment.” Chris nodded and I noticed his fingers fidgeting together from the corner of my eye. “Have you had the process explained to you?”

  “Yeah. Cannula in the back of my hand, will likely take hours, could feel really sick…”

  “Do you have any questions about the side-effects? Anything particular that’s worrying you?”

  “No, I’m good. Just want to get it over with.”

  “That’s normal. Is that your way of telling me to be on my merry way?” she asked with a teasing smile.

  “No. Sorry, I just…”

  “Don’t worry, Chris. It’s okay to be feeling nervous. I’ll leave you for now and tell the doctor you’re ready to begin. I’ll be around all morning if you need anything. And I mean anything. I’m here to help you whenever you need it.”

  “Thanks,” Chris muttered nervously, tapping his foot impatiently. Paula smiled, patted Chris’ shoulder and made her way across the room to talk to another patient.

  “You scared?” I asked. He must be, I thought. He must’ve been because I was fucking terrified.

  “Not so much,” he answered, shrugging his shoulders. “Not for me anyway. Fuck, this would be so much easier to deal with if I didn’t have to leave Emmie behind. I hate that I’m putting her through this. When is the poor kid gonna get a fucking break?”

  Whether it was his intention or not, that remark ignited a fire of guilt in my stomach. She’s already been through so much… because of me.

  “It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose,” was all I could think to say. Again, he shrugged, and before I could reply we were interrupted by one of the nurses dressed in salmon-pink scrubs.

  “Okay, Christopher…”

  “Chris.”

  “Well, Chris. I’m just going to pop this cannula in the back of your hand and then I’ll set up your drip.”

  “Sure,” Chris answered on a heavy exhale.

  “I’m Anna by the way,” she added, setting a yellow tray down on the table next to Chris. “Lift your arm for me,” she said, and then wrapped an adjustable elastic band around the top of Chris’ arm. My thoughts wandered involuntarily to the amount of times I’d done that same move on myself, but I quickly dismissed them.

  She went on to sanitize her hands with the gel clipped to her pocket, then she stretched on some gloves with a snap and picked up a little white packet. After tearing it open and removing the small cleansing wipe she brushed it over the top of Chris’ hand and then placed it back in the tray.

  “Make a fist for me,” she asked while feeling for a prominent vein. “Got it. You can relax your hand now.” It took her less than a minute to remove the needle and cannula from the sterile packet and secure it in place on Chris’ hand with some white tape. It took a little longer for her to set up the drip, and to keep my eyes away from the pain in Chris’ I watched her intently as she fiddled with the bag on the drip stand and adjusted the little dial that controlled the flow.

  “Ok, that’s it,” A
nna announced after tapping a couple of buttons on the portable space-age unit. “If you need anything press this button.” She pointed to a remote control attached to the wall behind us. “There is a café downstairs if either of you would like something to eat or drink, although I would recommend something light for you, Chris, until you know how your body reacts to the chemo. Are you driving home?” She directed the question at me.

  “Um, no. He drove us here.”

  “Well I doubt you’ll be in a fit state to drive home again.” She was speaking to Chris again now. “We don’t know how you’re going to react and the first session especially can be pretty traumatic on your body.”

  “We’ll call a cab,” I suggested.

  “Great,” she replied, appeased with my answer. “Remember I’m around if you need anything or have any concerns.”

  “Thank you,” Chris and I said at the same time.

  “I’ll put you on the insurance for the van tomorrow,” Chris said once the nurse had disappeared. “I also want you to carry out the eleven o’clock MOT we’ve got booked in.”

  “Chris I’m not ready for that yet,” I argued.

  “Well you need to get yourself ready, mate. When I’m… gone… that garage is yours and Emmie’s. You need to be able to run it without me.”

  What. The. Fuck.

  “Chris…” I trailed off. I felt too winded to form words.

  “That’s why I bought it, Dex. I’d worked for Ernie since I left school – he’s like a father to me. When he found out what was going on with me, he offered to sell it to me at a fantastic rate – one which I made sure Emily could afford to repay once I wasn’t here anymore.”

  “You planned all this already?”

  “It was the first thing I did. I couldn’t even think of moving forward until I knew Emmie would have a secure future. Despite the shit you’ve been through, my gut told me she would have that with you. That’s why I went to see you in rehab and that’s why I want you to take over my garage.”

  “Jesus, Chris…I…I don’t know what to say right now.”

  “You don’t need to say anything. I know you’ll do it. You owe both me and Emily that much.”

  “I know I do,” I didn’t hesitate to agree.

  “You start college next week. Tuesday. Six till eight in the evening. I can train you on site as an apprentice. An assessor will come by every so often to oversee your work, but if we knuckle down, you can get your NVQ before…” he trailed off, knowing I knew what he meant. Before he dies. “You’re already half way there. Hanging out in your mate’s dad’s garage growing up has taught you all the basics. You just need testing in them, that’s all.”

  “Fuck, Chris, this is a lot to take in.”

  “You don’t have time to take it in. You’ve gotta accept it and start doing, you hear? You’ll do the MOT tomorrow and I’ll check it over when you’ve finished. You can do it, Dex. I know you’re capable. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t believe in you.”

  “You… believe in me?” I practically whimpered like a freakin’ girl. Emotion swelled in my throat and I was sure if he kept talking I would cry like a fucking baby.

  “You should know the answer to that by now,” he answered without looking at me. “We’ll tell Emmie when her head’s in a better place. Last thing I want is to send her crying up the stairs again.”

  “We’re gonna have to risk that, man. I won’t keep anything from her again. I promised her and I meant it.”

  “You’re right,” Chris agreed, sighing heavily. “We’ll tell her tonight.”

  I nodded weakly, still trying to comprehend everything he’d just told me.

  “Don’t let me down, Dexter.”

  “I won’t,” I assured earnestly. “You have my word.”

  **********

  My ass was dead after four hours sitting on that damn hard chair. Anna the nurse had just stopped by to say we had another thirty minutes to go so I ran downstairs to the café and grabbed us a couple more drinks. Chris had water – safer on the stomach, and I had an energy drink that tasted like melted sugar. I needed the sugar rush to keep my eyes open.

  “Anyone interesting?” Chris pried as I palmed my cell after sitting down. It buzzed in my pocket on my way back from the café, so after setting our drinks down on the table I pulled it out.

  “Marianne,” I said. “I’ll read it later. Don’t think I’m supposed to use it in here.”

  “We’re all dying anyway. What’s the worst it’s gonna do?” he joked. I rolled my eyes at him, wanting to scold him but my lips betrayed me as they turned up into a smile.

  Marianne has texted me every day without fail since I last saw her back in Ohio. We talk useless shit mainly. She tells me about school, I tell her about work, that kind of thing. I find myself missing her some days. I still barely know her and I want to so badly. She’s my baby sister. My surprise baby sister and I guess I want a shot at playing Big Brother.

  “You look like shit,” I said when the last thirty minutes were almost up.

  “I feel it.” Chris’ face had paled to an off-white/greeny color and his eyes were strained and tired. “The nurse was right. There’s no way in hell I could drive like this.”

  In that moment Chris’ nurse came into the room, walking towards us with a thin brown file. She placed the file open on the table and scribbled something inside before turning to Chris.

  “Round one, done,” she said with a smile, fiddling with the bag hanging up on the IV stand. “Relax your hand for me,” she asked after gloving up again. Chris did as he was told and she slipped the line out of his hand in one smooth stroke, applying a square of gauze in its place. “Apply pressure to that for a minute or two.”

  “Okay, you need to wait here for twenty minutes or so while we see how you’re body is handling things. In the meantime you can take a walk around if you’d like, and I’ll go and fetch your prescription.”

  “Prescription?” Chris questioned.

  “Just some antiemetics. Everyone reacts differently but most patients suffer from some sickness. They will help with that. If you happen to suffer severely, we can start giving it to you through an injection at your next session.”

  “Sure,” Chris agreed. “Okay.”

  With another smile, Anna left us alone. Chris removed the pressure from his hand and the tiny wound on the back of his hand had stopped bleeding. We both stood up, stretching our limbs and made our way out to the corridor. Chris popped the square of gauze in a yellow bin on the way out before stumbling slightly and leaning against the wall for support.

  “You okay?” I asked, putting a steadying hand on his shoulder.

  “Just a little dizzy. It’s passing already.”

  Once he felt steady enough on his feet, we paced slowly up and down the length of the corridor. We repeated the process for a full twenty-minutes before heading back to the nurses’ station to see if we could leave.

  “Here you go,” Anna the nurse said, passing Chris a small, white paper bag. “Be sure to read the leaflet that accompanies the tablets. There is also a booklet in there explaining all the possible side-effects you might experience, but if any are severe, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Oh and Paula’s number is also in there. You can call her at any time with any concerns or questions, and so can your family. She’s here to help all of you through this.” Hmm. Might be worth getting Emily to chat with her, I thought to myself. “So, we’ll see you back here in two weeks.”

  “Sure. Thanks again,” Chris muttered staring at the paper bag as if he were trying to absorb everything she’d said.

  We headed straight outside and Chris threw his head back, sucking in the fresh air. I pulled my cell from my pocket and called for a cab. It arrived just minutes later and after giving Chris a pat on the shoulder, we climbed inside and made our way home.

  Chapter Eight

  Emily

  “You know you can come here whenev
er you want,” Rachel’s mum, Caroline, said as we prepared to leave. “We’re here for you whether Rachel’s here or not.”

  “Thanks, Caroline. That means a lot to me.”

  She pulled me in for a tight hug before letting me go and holding me at arms length.

  “Be strong, sweetheart. You’ll get through this.”

  “I hope so,” was all I could say, because I still don’t know if I can. “It’s been so nice seeing you, Emily. Promise you’ll come and see us even when Rachel and Jared have gone back down south?”

  “Of course,” I assured her, smiling warmly. “I promise.”

  I love Rachel’s parents. They have been better parents to me than my own and I didn’t realise how much I’d missed them until I came here today.

  “And you,” Caroline added, turning to Rachel. “Come and see us before you leave.”

  “Sure, Mum. We’re heading back Monday. We’ll pop round Sunday afternoon.”

  “Great. I’ll cook dinner. Lamb or chicken?”

  “Beef,” Rachel replied with a smart smile, being purposely awkward.

  “And Yorkshire puddings I hope?” Jared chipped in.

  “Homemade,” Caroline replied with a wink.

  Bryan, Rachel’s dad, joined us in the hall while we said our goodbyes. He offered to drive us home but Rachel had already called a taxi and it was waiting for us outside. After another round of hugs and kisses, Rachel, Jared and I went outside towards the waiting car. Jared helped Rachel in and collapsed her chair, put it in the boot and then climbed in the front seat. Resting my head against the glass, I waved goodbye to Caroline and Bryan, and then closed my eyes, breathing deeply as I prepared to face the situation at home.

  The taxi stopped at Rachel and Jared’s hotel before taking me home. I still didn’t understand why they weren’t just staying with her parents, but then again money isn’t an issue for Jared. Dexter and Chris were already home by the time I got there, and the first thing to hit me when I walked in the house was the deathly shade of grey Chris’ skin had turned.