Never Let Go (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  I hope he does too. She’ll take good care of him, I know she will.

  “Do you feel any different? I suppose what I mean is, do you feel like you’re dying?”

  “Yes,” he said simply and my head jerked back a little in shock. “I feel it coming closer every day. I feel my body slowing down… growing heavier.”

  “That could be mind over matter though, right? Because you know it’s coming, you just don’t know when?”

  “Sure. Could be. I’m not professing to have a degree in the death experience, Emmie.’ Chris’ tone was playful and it instantly eased the anxiousness I was feeling. The conversation was turning depressingly serious, and I think Chris foresaw that and was trying to lighten the mood. “Hey, Dex?”

  “Mmhmm,” he answered lazily. Dexter had been chilling back on the armchair with his head flopped backwards onto the cushion and his eyes closed.

  “Will you take me to the garage for a couple of hours?”

  “Chris…” I started to scold, but he put his whole hand over my mouth like he used to do to shut me up when we were kids.

  “I want to sort through my stuff. Who knows if I’ll get the chance again?”

  “Sure, dude,” Dexter agreed, so I flipped him the evil eye. “Doll,” he breathed and I knew by his tone he was about to patronise me. And by patronise, I mean make sense whether I wanted to believe it or not. “Chris is right. What if he feels like shit again tomorrow? I’ll stay with him, don’t worry.”

  “Hey, do you mind not talking about me as if I’m an eight year old needing a babysitter!”

  “Come on, man, you could drop dead as a sack of shit any time. Of course you need a babysitter.”

  I rolled my eyes, fighting against the urge to yell at Dexter for saying something so insensitive. But of course, deep down I knew he wasn’t being insensitive – he was treating Chris exactly how he wanted to be treated. Normal. He was making fun of him like he would anyone else around him and so as much as the words hurt, I knew in some bizarre way they would actually be of comfort to Chris.

  “Okay, well don’t be long. Remember Paula is coming round at five.”

  “Sure, Emmie. I won’t stay out past my curfew I promise.”

  “Sod off,” I spat. “I just worry about you.”

  “I know you do, sis. And I bloody love you for it.”

  **********

  Paula turned up twenty minutes early and Chris and Dexter still weren’t back from the garage. I offered an awkward apology and made her a cup of tea while we waited. Once we were sitting down together in the living room, I became suddenly glad that we were alone because I could quiz her about some things that were bothering me without Chris worrying about me.

  “So what do you think it means?” I asked nervously after telling her about Chris’ sudden burst of energy. “I thought once he started going down, he’d keep going until… well… until there was nowhere left to go.”

  “There could be a number of reasons, Emily. What you suggested, about the calm before the storm? That is widely heard of, and so of course is a possibility. It could also be that his tumour has swelled and maybe shifted just slightly, releasing the pressure on certain parts of his brain. Unfortunately with these types of illnesses, there are no certainties. We can only take each day as it comes.”

  “We’re supposed to be going to a concert tomorrow. Do you think that will be too much for him?”

  “Does Chris think it will be too much?”

  “No. He said he wants to go while he feels well enough and that he’ll come home if that changes.”

  “Then I would say, trust him. Only your brother knows what he’s capable of right now. The time to worry about how things may affect his illness has passed I’m afraid. Now, all you can do is help him make the most of the time he has left.” I felt the muscles in my face drop at the same time tears began to stab at the backs of my eyes. “Emily you’re doing great,” Paula tried to assure, edging closer and putting her hand on my knee.

  “I just feel like I should be doing something. I don’t even know what, but it just doesn’t feel right to carry on like nothing’s happening.”

  “Yet I promise you, carrying on as normal is the best thing you can do. Time with your brother is precious for both of you. Don’t waste it.”

  “Thank you, Pau-” I began, but cut myself off at the sound of a key in the door. “Oh good. They’re home.” Wow. In just a couple of short sentences, she had made me see things in a whole new light. She made me feel better about everything… for now at least.

  “Sorry we’re late,” Dexter apologised as he shrugged out of his jacket. “Road works.”

  “Yeah, there’s a huge hole in the road near Asda. The whole road is blocked off. There were diversion signs of course, but Mr I Know Better over here thought he knew a quicker way.”

  “Hey!” Dexter protested. “It would’ve been quicker… If we hadn’t gotten lost.”

  “If you hadn’t gotten lost you mean.”

  “Hey guys, as entertaining as this little bromantic quarrel is, I don’t think that’s what Paula has come to listen to.”

  “Right, yeah. Sorry,” Dexter mumbled, making his way over to me.

  “Unlike you, Paula’s getting paid to sit here listening to my shit,” Chris chimed with a mischievous smile that I’d not seen on his gaunt face in far too long.

  “Actually I’m getting paid to check up on you and take your blood pressure. So sit down, mister and roll your sleeve up.” Paula set her own playful smile in motion and I idly wondered how everyone but me was managing to remain so lighthearted about this situation.

  She went on to do the usual checks. She took Chris’ blood pressure, checked his heart and asked him how well he was managing his pain. Today Chris had an ache along his spine and a fairly severe headache, but nothing he thought warranted a dose of morphine. The injection made him sleepy, and he was determined to enjoy feeling more human than zombie for as long as he could.

  She was just getting ready to leave when Dexter announced that Chris had been feeling sick a lot today and that he had thrown up several times while they were at the garage. I know Chris confides in Dexter about a lot of stuff, especially how he’s feeling physically. I’m pleased he has someone he can share things with, and I know why he doesn’t tell me – because he doesn’t want to worry me – but sometimes I wish he would trust me a little more. I can handle how he’s feeling.

  I think.

  “Did you find the antiemetics helpful after your chemotherapy? I can arrange a prescription for some more of those.”

  “Yeah. I mean, I was still pretty sick… but I think they helped lessen it.”

  Nodding, Paula reached into her bag and fished out a prescription pad. After scribbling on it for a few seconds she handed the piece of paper to Chris and told us where the nearest late-night chemist was.

  “I’ll go and get it,” Dexter offered, already standing from the chair. I smiled gratefully at him and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

  “Cheers, mate,” Chris said, handing the prescription to him.

  After bending down to kiss the tip of my nose, Dexter grabbed the keys for his bike from the table by the front door, and left straight away – flashing me a wink on his way out the door. Paula, as usual, asked if we had any questions and when we both shook our heads she arranged to come back tomorrow afternoon before we left for The Ritz.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Dexter

  “You sure you’re still up to tonight, man?” I asked Chris, wiping the grease off my face with a rag from the counter.

  “Yeah, mate. I feel even better than yesterday. I think those anti-sickness pills you picked up last night are finally kicking in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m making some miraculous recovery or anything like that but… well I just feel like I’m strong enough to hold out that little bit longer. That probably makes no sense.”

  “Makes perfect sense. Like Paula said, maybe the tumor’s dislodged
a little? If it has and it gives you some extra time with us, that can only be a good thing right?”

  “Damn right. Although I think I’ll probably need to lie down for a couple of hours before we set off tonight. Granted, in comparison to the last couple of weeks I feel great, but my head is still throbbing like a motherfucker today.”

  “Look why don’t you go home now. I’m almost done here anyway.”

  “No. You’re on your own here too often.”

  “Dude… all your doing is sitting back reading magazines and talking to me so much you’re making this take ten times longer. Go home.”

  “You’ll be sorry you said that when I’m not here to pester you anymore.”

  “No wonder that thing’s taking so long to take you down,” I joked, pointing a wrench at his head. “It’s because your ego has inflated your head.”

  Chris laughed and then imitated offence by clutching a hand to his chest and frowning.

  “On a serious note, mate… you should think about hiring someone else. Ernie always had me, and well I really fucking struggled until I had you.”

  My back stiffened and for a moment I just stared into the open air. Hire someone? Me? That one comment brought the whole scenario crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. It’s not seemed real with Chris still hanging out here. Sure, I’ve been doing all the work myself this last few weeks but he’s still been around to guide me, throw cloths at my head when I’m about to make a mistake…

  But the reality is, this is our garage now – mine and Emily’s. We have a business that’s not going to run itself which means I need to man the fuck up and be a responsible adult.

  Holy fuck.

  “Yeah, I’ll um… I’ll look into it,” I replied nervously. I don’t know where the hell to start when it comes to employing someone. Me? A boss?

  “You can do this, Dex,” Chris said as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. Then he tossed his magazine down on the counter, walked a little wobbly over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “I wouldn’t have put so much effort in with you if I didn’t believe in you.” He’s said something similar to me before, but as yet, I’m still struggling to believe it. “Besides, you’ve got Emmie behind you. She’ll keep you in check,” he added before winking and patting my shoulder.

  “I have no doubt,” I agreed.

  Chris called a cab and then shrugged into his jacket and tidied his magazines away while he waited for it to arrive. Once he was gone I took a deep breath and carried on changing the brake pads of the soft-top BMW in front of me. I couldn’t help thinking Jared would love this car – he treated his old one like a human baby before his accident. Then my eyes caught sight of my beloved Jenny just outside, the light rain making her body glisten, and I realized I am exactly the same.

  Speaking of Jared, I’d just finished turning the engine of the BMW over, making sure it was running smoothly, when my cell vibrated against my leg. I plucked it out of my pocket and saw Jared’s name lighting up the screen.

  “Hey, man,” I answered.

  “Dex!” he said enthusiastically. “I’ve got my hands on an extra ticket for tonight! You had a spare, right? So with that one and this one, Rach and I can join you guys.”

  “I thought Snickers hated The Script?”

  “Well, she does. But she won’t turn down a free night out with Em.”

  “You haven’t told her yet?”

  “No. But trust me, we’ll be there.”

  “Well great,” I said and meant it. It would actually help my plan for this afternoon go a little smoother. I’ve been keeping something from you – from everyone in fact, but I’ll get to that soon. “Could you come over about five? I was actually gonna ask if you guys could come over anyway. I’ve got something planned.”

  “Like what?”

  “My lips are sealed.”

  “Ugh. If you were a girl I bet you’d be such a cock tease.”

  “Dude are you telling me your dick is stirring? ‘Cause if you are then we totally need to reevaluate our friendship.”

  “Stop being an arse. I’ve got to go. Rachel’s mum is making my lunch.”

  “Seriously, what is it about your pretty boy face that makes women want to mother you? My aunt is just the fucking same whenever she sees you.”

  “Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Dex,” he joked. “Now I’ve really got to go. Catch you later.”

  “Sure. Laters, man.”

  After hanging up the call I worked quickly to change the oil and fill in the relevant paperwork regarding what work I’d carried out. Then after stripping out of my coveralls, I stuffed them in my backpack, threw on my leather jacket and headed out to my bike.

  My heart was so far up in my throat while riding home it made me gag several times. But like I said, you’ll find out why soon.

  **********

  Emily still wasn’t back from shopping when I got home so I went straight upstairs to take a shower and get myself ready for tonight. I made sure to move around quietly, conscious of the fact Chris was probably sleeping in his room. I heard the front door opening, shortly followed by Snickers’ annoying as fuck cackle, while I was buttoning up my white shirt. Running my fingers through my damp hair I checked myself out in the mirror before heading downstairs to meet them. When I reached the bottom step I patted my pocket, making sure my surprise for Emily was still inside… even though I’d only put it in there seconds before.

  Do you see where this is going now?

  “Looking good, American,” Snickers said when I walked in on them in the living room.

  “Who ya tellin’?” I joked, making her roll her eyes. “Hey, doll.” I strolled over to Emily, sat down beside her and kissed her lips before flicking my tongue over hers. Naturally she blushed before pulling away.

  “We’ve got company!” she scolded with a nervous smile.

  “Is that what you call it?”

  “Fuck you,” Snickers spat.

  “I say we start a wager,” I began. “Let’s take bets on those babies’ first words,” I continued, nodding towards Snickers’ swollen belly. “I’m going with fuck for baby number one, and twat for baby number two.”

  “Whatever, uncle arsehole. Obviously I will control my swearing when they get here.”

  “HA!”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you couldn’t go an hour with someone being a fucker!”

  “Yes I could!” she protested. “Name a day and I will go that whole day being nothing but polite and eloquent.”

  “Tonight,” I dared.

  “Well you guys are going out tonight so you won’t see me.”

  “Jared not told you? You’re coming with us.”

  “What?”

  “What!” the girls said in unison.

  “Apparently he’s got an extra ticket.”

  “Oh my God, Rach, we’ll have so much fun!” Emily squealed.

  “Yeah we will,” she agreed with a genuine smile. “But don’t expect me to start swooning over the homeless guy.”

  “So, tonight then?”

  “Sure. As of right now, I’m Emily.”

  “Except not as good looking,” I goaded.

  “Fuc-Scre- Ugh… get lost,” she stuttered.

  This is gonna be fun…

  **********

  I had never known just a couple of hours drag by so slowly - I was a nervous fucking wreck. Emily noticed of course, and a couple of times she asked me if I was feeling okay. I could see the anxiety in her baby-blue eyes – the uncertainty. I was sure the thought of me using again had crossed her mind and I hated putting that worry there, but she would know soon enough what was wrong with me, and only she had the power to take it away.

  By saying yes.

  Come on, you have to have guessed now, right?

  Derek and Aunt Sarah arrived on cue, just after Chris’ nurse had left. I saw the fire of panic ignite behind Emily’s eyes when Aunt Sarah asked why I wanted to see them.
/>   “Dex, what’s going on?” Emily asked, nerves making her voice crack. “You’re worrying me.”

  Emily was sitting anxiously on the edge of the couch. Kneeling down in front of her, I took hold of her hand and held it on her knee. Aunt Sarah gasped, immediately catching on to what I was about to do and giving my game away.

  “Emily,” I started. “I wanted to do this while everyone you love is here to witness it. I want both you and your loved ones to know that I’m going to take care of you always, protect you and love you forever.”

  “Oh my God,” she whispered in the same moment a small, glistening tear leaked from her eye. I let go of her hand just long enough to reach into my pocket and pull free the small, silver velvet box. Taking her left hand in mine, I hovered the padded box in front of her with the other.

  “Emily, I love you. You are kind, thoughtful, selfless… and so, so beautiful. Every day I have to pinch myself because I can’t quite work out how I’m lucky enough to have you. You saved me, doll. I got dragged into hell and you risked getting burned to follow me and bring me back. I’d never felt my heart beating before I met you, and now every single day when I see you, touch you, hear you… it thumps so violently in my chest, reminding me that it couldn’t survive without you.”

  Thumbing the seam of the little box, I flipped it open, revealing a small diamond set between two ruby gems on a ring of white gold. All three women in the room gasped, and a fresh set of tears poured down Emily’s cheeks. Lightly dropping her hand I carefully plucked out the ring before picking up her hand again and hovering the gold band over her finger.

  “I will take care of you, Emily. I will fight until my last breath to never let you down again. I will love and cherish you forever. So, doll… whaddya say? Will you marry me?”

  “God, Dexter,” she whimpered as I pushed the ring slowly to the base of her finger. “Yes. Yes of course I will!”

  My heart swelled, filling my chest and making my breath hitch.

  “This is it, doll,” I said, taking the fingers on her right hand and clamping them around the ring. “Our future. I need you to hold on to it and never let go.”