Falling to Ash

by Karen Mahoney

  ‘Don’t say that,’ I whispered.

  ‘You have a new Family now,’ he said. ‘Get used to it.’

  I pulled my knees up against my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore.

  And then he did something that I would never have expected. He had that about him – the ability to take me by surprise just when I was getting good at hating him. He knelt down in front of me, unclasped my cold hands from around my legs and held them in his own. He could have continued to play the scary vampire. He could have punished me for my behavior, like he would do with any other member of his Family. Instead, he offered me one last drop of kindness.

  He took both my hands in one of his, placing the other beneath my chin and forcing me to look at him.

  ‘Surely you understand why I can’t let you go. Surely you are not so naïve.’

  I licked my suddenly dry lips, not wanting to meet his eyes but unable to look away. ‘You can’t be seen as weak. I know that.’

  He shook his head slowly. ‘More than that, my little Moth. If I cannot keep you by my side, then you will be considered a risk to the entire Family.’

  ‘I would never tell!’ I glared at him. ‘Never. I can keep secrets, Theo. You know I can.’

  The mask finally dropped and I caught a glimpse of the exhaustion on his face. ‘If I can’t control you, they will force me to end you. Do you understand?’

  He looked old for the first time since I’d known him. It scared the crap out of me.

  I shivered. ‘You mean . . . kill me.’

  ‘The Elders believe that is what I should have done already. It was a weakness to turn you in the first place, when what I should have done was to let you die and simply covered up any evidence of vampire involvement.’

  I felt numb. ‘What don’t they like about me?’

  His hand caressed my cheek, but I could hardly feel it. ‘It isn’t personal.’

  ‘Not personal? They want me dead!’

  ‘This is not about you. It’s about me and my loss of control. About what message that sends to the Family – and the Elders.’

  I knew what he was saying was the truth. Vampire Families are important for a number of reasons: they offer protection and control. The Master of a Family is responsible for ensuring his or her vampires don’t go on a rampage among humanity. Being a member of a Family ensures that everyone is accounted for. We needed to stay hidden to survive – avoiding mobs with torches and pitchforks was imperative. We had to police ourselves. But when the Master vamp’s ability to protect his or her Family falters, that’s when problems begin. If the system falls apart, it could lead to anarchy.

  I listened to the ticking of the clock, trying to imagine it was my heart. ‘I suppose, if it comes to it, the Council would make you the one to kill me.’

  ‘Of course.’ His mouth quirked into the ghost of a smile. ‘What else would they do?’

  I pushed up onto my knees, rested my hands on his shoulders and looked into his endless silver eyes. ‘Could you do it?’

  He didn’t reply, but neither did he look away.

  I cupped his face in my hands. ‘Could you end me?’

  Theo covered my hands with his own. ‘Let’s not find out.’

  I shivered as he pulled me into his arms and pressed my head to his chest. He stroked my hair and I endured it because I knew it was what he would want. But my mind had gone elsewhere – or elsewhen. Same place, different time. A year ago in this very house:

  On the first day, I wasn’t even conscious. That time is a long, dark space of nothingness.

  On the second, I drift in and out of consciousness. Toward the end of Day Two, I become more aware of my surroundings. I remember bits and pieces of what happened to me, confused images, but nothing I can really grab hold of. I remember sleeping with Theo, that much becomes clear. I remember how beautiful it had been, how kind he was.

  And then I remember the pain as he ripped into my throat afterward.

  On the third day, I am racked by convulsions so violent that Theo has to hold me down so that I don’t hurt myself. He ends up sitting behind me on the sweat-soaked bed, arms wrapped around me as I have some kind of seizure, coughing up blood – the blood he’d forced me to drink – and whispering, ‘Kill me, please kill me’ over and over again.

  He tells me that he cannot kill me, and I don’t understand why.

  I threaten to kill myself and he laughs when I tell him I will find pills and swallow them all.

  The one time he leaves the room, I rip a bedside lamp to pieces and use the jagged metal base to slice open my wrists. Theo returns to the room to find me screaming as I watch my flesh knit itself back together, slowly but surely.

  He doesn’t kill me, and I don’t know whether I am grateful for that. I only know that I have never felt such pain in my life. I want to scratch out my eyes as they burn and itch. Theo ties my hands to the bed, but I break the bonds each time. He cannot leave me, even for a moment.

  Until finally, just when I think I can’t take any more, I awake one morning and the world looks different. Everything has changed. I burst into tears because there is no way out of this, no denying how different I am. It isn’t just a surface thing – I have been remade, right down to the bone. No, beyond that: my cells have been completely transformed. Reshaped and energized in ways I can’t even begin to comprehend. All I can think about is how much I want blood and that the sun hurts my eyes, and I know that there is no going back.

  Not ever.

  Theo gently pushed me away, breaking the delicate thread of memory. ‘Are you ready to feed now?’

  I closed my eyes. There was no point in resisting; not when I’d already agreed to this earlier. I tried to say something – Theo was waiting for my reply – but my throat had gone dry and no words would come.

  ‘Let me offer you my hospitality, Moth. It is important that the Family see you as part of me – if you still won’t permit me to feed from you, then you must at least do this.’ His eyes glittered. ‘I insist.’

  ‘What are you offering?’ I tried to keep the dull resentment out of my voice.

  ‘I know you won’t drink directly from a human, and I don’t push you on this,’ Theo said. His voice was hard, letting me know that this was a concession he made especially for me. He smiled, flashing fang. ‘But I fed from a beautiful girl this evening, before the meeting.’

  I closed my eyes. ‘How old?’

  ‘What do you take me for?’ His lips pulled tight so I could see his fangs. ‘She was a willing donor.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Theo.’ My words tumbled out too quickly, making me feel immediately ashamed of how much I still wanted to please him. Willing donor? Please . . .

  ‘The girl’s blood nurtures me, even as we stand here talking about it.’ He tilted his head, watching me carefully. Oh, so carefully. ‘Drink from me, little Moth, and take this gift I offer you. You did well tonight. Let me give this to you.’

  He was turning this into a reward. I wanted to cry, but it would do me no good. Sure, I drank human blood – vampires needed it in order to survive – but I drank from blood banks and hospitals. And no more than once a week if I could get away with it.

  Theo was still watching, waiting to hear my response. Waiting for my refusal so he could force me. I gritted my teeth together and allowed myself the luxury of imagining myself defying him. Saying ‘no’ and leaving the apartment in a righteous cloud of anger. Leaving the whole Family – including the Elder of Massachusetts. The Council. All of it. Letting Theo explain it to them.

  Yeah, right. If I did that, I’d be signing my own death warrant. And not even I could be ‘lucky’ enough to get a third chance at life.

  ‘OK,’ I sighed, allowing my hunger to show in my brightly glowing eyes. I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. ‘I accept your gift. Thank you.’

  Theo’s eyebrows raised, but other than that he didn’t betray his surprise. He removed his shirt, allowing it to s
lip from his marble-white shoulders and slide to the ground.

  I swallowed and focused on his chest, where his heart would be beating with anticipation – if he were still human. Vampire hearts didn’t beat, of course, although newer vamps like me could still feel the echoes of our humanity.

  And I did need to feed, now more than ever. I just wished it didn’t have to involve sticking my fangs into Theo. In the end, though, it didn’t really matter how I did it. The hunger was always there, whether I was awake or asleep: jagged, carnivorous, almost a living thing in itself. Whether I fought it or not, that was a fact of my life now. Like having a terminal disease you’re always aware of. Owned by it.

  As I placed my hands against his chest and raised myself on tiptoe, Theo wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him, lifting me off the ground. My lips found the delicious spot just over his carotid artery, and I waited for him to give me permission to drink. He smelled of blood and moonlight.

  Almost every other vampire I knew would gladly die (for real) to be in this position, but all I felt was a feral urge – like an itch that needed to be scratched. And underlying that a deep and bitter resentment, mixed up with the painful desire to be human again.

  As my fangs extended, making my gums throb and my head tingle, I trembled in my Maker’s arms. I ran my tongue across his skin, shivering with anticipation.

  He tasted like home.

  Theo’s voice sounded more like a growl in my ear. ‘Now,’ he said.

  I wrapped my legs around his waist and plunged my fangs into his throat.

  Chapter Ten

  FEEDING FROM THEO had a side-effect that I hadn’t immediately remembered: it left me completely open to him. My mind, my heart. He only had to take a quick look inside to see that I was hiding something from him. Luckily, I managed to hold back something for myself, but the damage was done: Detectives Trent and Smith, my unsanctioned ‘mission’ through the tunnels to the hospital, fighting Rick . . . Theo saw flashes of all those things as I drank from him. Although vampires can’t compel other vampires with their gaze unless they are very old, your Maker does have some power over you. Enough to make it difficult to keep secrets.

  Events moved quickly after that – too quickly. I tried to get him to listen, tried to explain, but he was having none of it. He called his Enforcer to the room, once we’d cleaned up, and demanded that I tell him about what had happened to Rick.

  Kyle glided in on silent feet, ninja-style and creepy as hell.

  I nodded at him. ‘Kyle.’

  His too-red lips spread into a nasty grin. ‘Moth. How nice to see you back where you belong, at your Master’s side.’

  I didn’t reply, deliberately turning away from him. Until now, he and Holly had been the only other vampires to know about my existence – a fact that had irrevocably changed tonight. Kyle didn’t like me, seeing me as proof of Theo’s massive slip in . . . discipline. And judgment. He certainly hadn’t made a secret of his disapproval, and I couldn’t help but wonder why Theo let his Enforcer get away with such an attitude problem. They’d known each other for decades, but Theo was still the older and more powerful.

  Kyle had taught me a little self-defense. Nothing specific – more like he took parts of a whole host of martial arts and mixed them all together. The real purpose of the lessons was to help me to control my strength after I’d adjusted to being turned. There was an element of discipline in the blocks and falls and punches that I appreciated. I fell down a lot more than I wanted, and we didn’t use mats or anything like that. The floor was hard and I was constantly picking myself up, always trying to prove that I could take whatever Kyle dished out. Which of course I couldn’t. The only reason I was still in one piece was because Theo would kill him if he really hurt me.

  I suspected that Kyle hated that more than anything else.

  I ignored him and instead focused on Theo. I wanted to get this little session of show and tell over with so I could go home. I wanted to sleep, and I knew that the two older vampires must be feeling the approach of the day.

  ‘Now,’ Theo said. ‘Tell us.’ He stretched his arms above his head and watched me as I tried not to notice the white flesh peeking out from beneath the raised edge of his black shirt. His black pants sat perfectly on his slender hips.

  I swallowed and looked away. Why did I let him do this to me? It was so seriously screwed up and we both knew it. But there was a lot more going on here than simple attraction to an older guy. A much older guy. His vampire abilities were an integral part of his existence. They helped him catch his prey; they intoxicated his people and enabled him to keep control of such a large group of vamps; and they transformed his bite from something to be feared into something we all craved.

  I forced myself to focus on where we were and what I was supposed to be doing, filling them in on everything that had happened at the hospital. Well, OK . . . not quite everything. I managed to tell the whole story without a single mention of a certain vampire hunter’s son. Don’t ask me why – I just didn’t want to effectively hand him over to Theo. At least, not yet. Maybe I could find out Murdoch Senior’s location without my Maker hurting Jace. I wanted to give myself the chance to try.

  Theo’s face registered a dark flash of fury as he heard what I had done without permission, but it creased into a thoughtful frown as I got to the part about Zombie Rick. ‘This is worse than I imagined.’ He began to pace, stopped and gazed at me. ‘You’re unharmed, though? I am still angry with you, Moth, but that was excellent thinking to use fire against it.’

  I ignored the swell of pride in my chest. I hated it when his praise made me feel like a little kid looking for Daddy’s approval. Instead, I shrugged. ‘I’ve watched a lot of TV. But I never expected to actually face a zombie. Not in real life.’ I glanced at him, almost shyly. ‘I wasn’t even sure I believed in them. Until today.’

  Theo chuckled, a sound that gave me goosebumps. ‘Like humans don’t believe in vampires? Ah, my little Moth. There are things out there that I used to find difficult to believe.’ He shrugged flamboyantly. ‘If I hadn’t seen them with my own eyes, I would probably have dismissed them as legends – fairy tales to scare children into good behavior. Although I despise the term zombies – it’s nothing more than a pointless link to popular culture.’

  I frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Simply that the correct term for the boy you encountered is Unmade. Zombies aren’t connected to the . . . mythology of our world. You would do better to look at Haitian and African folklore.’

  ‘Like . . . voodoo?’

  Theo nodded. ‘Vodoun is the correct term. But yes, that kind of magic is not something that’s common in Massachusetts.’

  I was getting a little bored with the history lesson, but Theo was on a roll and this might be important. ‘What about down South? New Orleans is famous for black magic.’

  ‘I can assure you, that boy you encountered has nothing to do with places such as New Orleans. Creating a true zombi is an art that very few practitioners have the power for; it is a complex procedure. Now, the Unmade are much easier to understand. They are far more similar in nature to vampires – more similar than many of the Elders would like to admit.’ He curled his lip in distaste and exchanged a knowing look with Kyle.

  I was getting confused. ‘But what’s the difference?’

  ‘The Unmade are not the result of magical ritual. They are the result of a vampire attack gone very, very wrong. The victim returns as nothing more than a shell – a revenant of sorts. Only survival instinct keeps it going until it runs out of energy. Like a wind-up toy at the end of its life.’

  I shifted from one foot to the other, trying not to picture Rick’s face. ‘So he really wasn’t brought back by a voodoo priest or something?’

  Theo smiled. ‘A bokor? In Boston? You really have watched too many horror movies, child.’

  I used to love horror movies, but it’s something my Maker finds amusing. After what I’d witnessed
just the previous day, I didn’t think I’d find it so easy to watch fictional zombies going about their zombie business.

  I shivered. ‘But why did he . . . it . . . eat human flesh?’

  ‘The flesh isn’t so important as the life force that it contains. Eating something living – and it wouldn’t necessarily have to be human – will keep it going for two or three days. Revenants, the Unmade . . . these creatures need more than just blood to survive. A more dense meal would provide a greater charge of energy.’

  ‘Sort of like keeping a dying battery running?’ I tried not to think of the ‘dense meal’ that Nurse Fox’s arm must’ve provided.

  He narrowed his eyes. ‘A little. Now, enough of this.’ He gestured to Kyle. ‘Look into this matter for me – begin as soon as you wake tonight. I’m sure we would have heard if there had been similar . . . incidents. But it can’t hurt to be certain.’

  ‘Done,’ Kyle replied. He turned to leave but then spun back to face me, taking me by surprise. ‘You did well to defeat the revenant, Moth. It looks like you remembered more of our training than I would have thought.’ His tone was grudging but seemed genuine.

  I raised my eyebrows, not quite knowing how to reply. There was a tiny part of me that was pleased with his veiled compliment – Kyle did not give praise lightly.

  ‘Um . . . thanks,’ I said.

  He nodded and fixed me with a look that I couldn’t even begin to decode.

  Theo held up his hand, commanding his Enforcer to wait another moment. ‘Keep this quiet, you understand? Do not let anyone else know what you’re doing. At least for now. We do not want any . . . rumors.’

  Kyle inclined his head, flicking an amused glance my way, then left the room as swiftly and silently as he’d arrived.

  I returned home as an appropriately bloody dawn splashed the sky. I stopped in my tracks on the street, mouth hanging open.

  Jason Murdoch was waiting outside my apartment building. He slouched against the wall beside the main entrance, as though he had all the time in the world. His hands were in the pockets of his army jacket. Pale moonlight glinted off his hair and brow-piercing, and his eyes were lost in shadow.