Skin Deep

by Trista Jaszczak

  “Lo,” Kade sighs my name as he stands up to hug me. His eyes look pitiful. Their once beautiful color seems dull now and dark circles are lining the bottom. He looks sad and exhausted.

  I give him a light squeeze and pull away. He’s slipped into depression and even worse I feel like it’s my fault because I see him as a brother. I frown and give him another hug. “Kade, are you okay?”

  He offers me a seat on the bean bags next to him. I flop down and drop my purse next to me. “Everything is piling on me, Lo. I get that you don’t see me like that, but I feel like I’ve lost you as a friend.”

  I shake my head. “Kade, you've been my friend for years. You were my first employee at Skin Deep. As devastated as I was to lose you as my artist, I was ecstatic that NYC Ink’d picked you up. You haven’t lost me, we've just hit a rough patch.”

  “Well, we need to fix it, Lo,” he tells me, dropping his head. “You're my closest friend. I’ve never told anyone the things that I've told you.”

  “I know. You know I’ve told you secrets I’ve kept for years.” I let out a little breath. “I trust you. You’ve always been there for me.”

  He looks up at me with his sad eyes again. “Why River?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, why pick him over me?” He blurts.

  “Because you're such a close friend, you’re like a brother and it’s hard to see you as anything more. I adore you, you know that. But I don’t want to fuck up our friendship. We’re too good to cross that line and let it ruin us.” I explain, tucking a chunk of hair behind my ear.

  “But why River?” He asks again. “Why someone like that?”

  “Someone like that?” I give him a funny look. “I guess I’m not following. He’s not a bad guy if you ever took the chance to get to know him. He’s actually really…sweet and caring. He takes care of me, you know? He’s a good guy.”

  Kade shakes his head. “You know as well as I do that the guy is different, Lo. There’s something off about him.”

  I let out a little laugh. “Kade, I’m pretty sure there’s something off about me, too.”

  “That’s not what I mean Lola, and you damn well know it.”

  I shake my head. “Apparently, I don’t.”

  “Please, spare me. Don’t play dumb with me either. You call me a friend, but you won’t tell me the truth.” He shoots, giving me a nasty look.

  I feel my jaw drop. I can’t believe he’s talking to me this way. “I’m not playing dumb with you. I guess I don’t know what you want me to tell you. You know full well that I'm dating River. I hired him and it just happened, okay? I didn’t plan it, just one night, things happened.”

  He lets out a little laugh. “So you mean to tell me that he doesn’t beat you?”

  I shake my head, stunned. “Kade, River has never laid a hand on me. Not like that. He would never do that. I trust him.”

  “Well, I don’t.”

  “Kade, you don’t know him,” I say, “you haven’t given him a chance, you haven’t gotten to know him.”

  “Oh, and I suppose you have,” he snaps, shaking his head. “It’s like he has you under a spell or some shit. He has you blinded.”

  “Kade, I really care for River. I have feelings for him. I do trust him and I think that if you'd give him a chance you'd see what I see.” I lean back into the bean bags and let out an exasperated sigh. Kade was supposed to be depressed. When I dragged myself here, I did it because I thought he needed a friend. Not because he wanted to bitch me out about River, who, when he finds out I came here to see Kade outside of work, will blow his fucking top.

  “I'm willing to bet he doesn’t give a shit about you, Lola,” Kade says glaring at me. “He just wants you so that he can use you, beat you when he wants, and then drop you on the curb.”

  “Why are you so fucking set on him beating me?” I retort as I give my head a violent shake. Now I’m just pissed off. River, will have a cow and I’m being told I'm being abused suddenly. “River has never laid a hand on me.”

  “Of course he hasn’t,” Kade snaps, “that’s because he prefers to use whips and chains.”

  I lick my lips and swallow hard as I look at him with wide eyes.

  “Didn’t think I knew, did you?” He laughs.

  I’m completely stunned and caught off guard. Some way, somehow, Kade knows that River is in the BDSM lifestyle. I think back. Of course, I’ve never told anyone. River and I keep it to ourselves. We’re never obvious at work because he turns his little Dom switch off. I have my day collar, but it looks so much like an ordinary necklace that people who don’t know the lifestyle would be completely oblivious. I’ve never let it slip to Cas or Archer. I’ve never made the mistake and openly called River “Daddy” and turned into sub Lola. How in the fuck could Kade possibly know?

  “Don’t be fucking stupid, Lola,” Kade says after a moment of silence.

  “Why am I stupid?”

  “That life isn’t for you,” he tells me, leaning forward to push the hair from my eyes.

  I yank away from his touch and shake my head. “And just how would you know what is and isn’t for me?”

  “You like being beaten during sex?” Kade laughs, “Because that is just a fucking joke.”

  “Kade that's not what it’s about,” I say. “There’s more to it than you think. Believe me, there is a whole lot more to it. There’s love and trust and care. It brings you closer as a couple because you're submitting yourself to one person. You’re giving yourself to them completely and putting all of your trust into them.”

  “You really expect me to believe all the garbage he’s fed you?”

  I feel my eyes become watery. “I don’t expect you to believe anything, but I'd like to think that you'd trust me and my decisions.”

  “He’s clouded your judgment.”

  I shake my head. “No one has clouded my judgment. I'm not having this conversation with you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s private. It’s mine and River’s private, personal business and I don’t want to discuss it with you.”

  “Lola, he'll hurt you.”

  “He will not. I trust him.”

  “I will not sit back and watch him hurt you, Lola. So help me fucking God if he lays another hand on you…”

  “I thought you said your mother was contacting you that you were feeling down” I finally snap. “Or was that just a load of bullshit to get me to meet you here? Did you fucking lie to me?”

  He quickly shakes his head. “I never lied to you. My mother is contacting me. She had a few questions.”

  I raise my eyebrows confused. “The mother that you haven’t talked to in years, contacts you to ask a few questions?”

  Kade gives me a silent and slow nod.

  “Well, what did she want to know?”

  “She wanted to know if I'd been in touch with my half-brother.”

  “And…have you been?” I ask, giving him a confused look as I don’t see why his mother would contact him out of the blue just to find her other son.

  “I haven’t talked to the dude, no, but I do know where he is.” Kade tells me.

  “Why's your mom looking for him? How did she get your number?”

  He gives me a shrug. “All I know is that she got it and she's looking for my piece of shit, worthless half-brother.”

  “Jesus, Kade,” I release a deep breath, “why don’t you tell me how you really feel.”

  “Look, it’s not a fucking crime to hate the guy,” he tells me, “I was just a kid when he took off and left. I didn’t have a license yet, no way out of the house, no way to get away from my worthless, fucking parents. He just left me. He could have taken me. Spared me two more years of abuse,” he lets out a weird laugh and shakes his head. “My parents half fucking destroyed me, Lola.”

  “But, they didn’t,” I remind him, “you're strong, you survived, and you certainly don’t have to let them get to you now. If you do, you’re just
letting them win, Kade. Don’t let them win. Be strong and just ignore your mom. To fucking hell with her and your dad.”

  He gives me a thoughtful look as though he’s actually taking my words to heart. He brings a hand up running it down his face and around to the back of his neck. He’s tired and clearly worn down. Something tells me that this isn’t about his parents at all. I highly doubt his mother contacted him about his half-brother. If his parents abused him and his half-brother, why would they be so concerned about either of them at this point?

  “Kade, what’s really bothering you?” I place my hand on his shoulder and rub tenderly. “Talk to me, Kade. Talk to me like you used to. I’m still the same Lola. River, has nothing to do with our friendship. I promise you, he’s not some horribly abusive guy…you know, things are just,” I feel myself blush slightly, “different, in the bedroom at times.”

  He gives me a concerned look as he brings his hand up to touch my cheek gently. “You always did look adorable when you blushed.”

  “Kade, talk to me,” I say again. “Just like old times. I don’t want to see you like this.” I reach up to feel his scruff. “I do love the mini beard you have going on here, but to me you look so much better clean shaven.”

  He lets out a little laugh. “It’s a new look.”

  “Well, I miss the old Kade.” I say firmly.

  “I’m still me, Lo,” he tells me, pulling his hand away.

  I smile softly and tilt my head to the side. “Then talk to me.”

  “I missed you. You know how I feel about you. I made that clear when I left.” He gives his head a little shake. “I was just fucking stupid and should've talked to you about it afterward. We could've made things work.”

  I let out a little laugh and lean back into the bean bags again. “With me here in Cincinnati and you in New York City?” I shake my head and sigh. “Kade, it would've driven us nuts and eventually it would've gotten to us both. I wouldn’t have been able to stand to lose my best friend too.”

  “We would've made it work, Lo,” he tells me, leaning into the bags as well. “You know damn well that the minute you said that you couldn’t handle being apart, I'd have been on the first fucking plane home.”

  “There’s more to it than that, Kade. A trip wouldn’t fix a missing piece. Not when you’d have to go right back to New York to work for NYC Ink’d.”

  “You really think that some fucking job is more important than you? Than Skin Deep?” He shakes his head. “Lola, you know better than that. I quit because I need you. I need Skin Deep. This is my home.”

  I feel myself tearing up and I give him a little smile. “You know how happy I am to have you back in the shop. We missed you. It wasn’t the same without you and Arch.”

  “I’m back now. For good, Lo.”

  I lick my lips and swallow hard.

  “But you’re with River.”

  I give him a slow nod.

  “And, I hate the fucking guy.”

  I feel my shoulders drop and I look down to rub between my eyes.

  “He worked at NYC Ink’d, Lo. I took his slot. He's good. I'll give him that, he’s an incredible fucking artist. His portraits that I’ve seen are out of this fucking world,” he admits, letting out a deep breath. “But I learned things about him while I was up there. And I know that he’s a friend of a friend, but he’s just shady, Lo.”

  “I had a really rough time finding someone to hire, Kade. I needed to fill a slot and I needed help with new customers. Cas took on your old workload and we were spending every waking minute in the shop. We needed someone. A friend of Cas’ sent River in and I saw his work.”

  “I don’t blame you for hiring the guy,” Kade finally admits. “I really don’t. He has talent with the machines. But, Lo, dating someone like that.”

  “Like what, Kade? You talk about him like he’s a felon or something. I’ve seen his criminal record, the worst he’s done was a speeding ticket in two-thousand-ten.”

  He shakes his head, “You know full well what I mean, Lo. That lifestyle. It’s fucking weird.”

  “You know, Kade, I don’t talk about the private sides of my relationships. I’m still learning a lot about things. It’s different.” I feel my shoulders drop as I try to think about how to put things into words. “You know, it does seem scary and like he’s abusing me, but there's a lot more to it than that. It’s about the care and trust and he is surprisingly gentle. And I really like that side of it. He makes the decisions and takes the worry off me. He takes care of me,” I say smiling.

  “But what about the pain?”

  “Look, I don’t know what people at NYC Ink’d told you about him and the lifestyle he follows, but it’s not just about pain. It’s like this weird cocktail of him bringing everything together and pushing me to the edge. It’s about anticipation and being excited about what’s next. It’s about submitting and giving myself to him.” I feel myself blush again and look down.

  “I just don’t want him to hurt you, Lo,” he lifts my chin with his fingertip, “physically or mentally.”

  “He won’t,” I tell him. “I trust him.”

  “Promise me one thing, Lo.”

  I give him a little nod.

  “If he ever does anything to really hurt you,” he starts, touching my cheek. “Come to me.”

  I give him a little smile. “I promise.”

  “Alright, he better be good to you, Lo. I’m not asking you to go into details about things, but he better take care of you like you say he does.”

  “I promise you, Kade. You know that I'd never be with anyone like that,” I admit. “And you know I’m still learning about things myself. It’s not like I know everything. Who knows, a few weeks down the road I might realize it’s not for me.”

  “And if that’s the case you better be at my front door,” he laughs.

  I laugh softly and give him a little shake of my head. I feel like the situation has been diffused. Kade is willing to tolerate River and I have my friend back. I smile and feel accomplished with myself for a moment as I sit back into the bean bags. Maybe once I tell River things can just go back to normal and Kade and I can even have coffee every once in a while. I give Kade a little smile. For once things feel like they’re going well and I can relax.

  I glance up at the clock to check the time for about the tenth time in five minutes. Lola's off work. She called me like always and let me know that she was closing and then again when she was walking out to the parking lot. I’d had the day off and did laundry, ran some errands, paid bills, and just took care of life. Lola worked with Cas, but when I called the shop to check on her and ask if she needed anything I got a surprise. Cas told me that she ran to No Doze to meet Kade. Now, I know that Lola is a new sub, but she seems to have a general understanding about submitting herself to me. We've agreed that the shop is hers and she's my boss there. But I also set ground rules for her. Well, I set one ground rule for her and that was that she could only see Kade at work. She knew that seeing Kade outside of work would result in punishment. She was doing so well that I honestly didn’t foresee any punishments with her. While I certainly have never explained everything to her in great detail, she's fallen into line and submitted like a perfect sub. But it seems that Kade is presenting problems. She rushed to his side at No Doze when I've told her multiple times that she's forbidden to see him outside of work without me. The one thing I ask her not to do and she does it anyway. She knows full well that disobeying me will result in punishment. After the way Kade has been acting towards her, I didn’t think I'd need to remind her of it again. I sure as hell didn’t think she'd need to be punished for it. But, here we are. I’m sitting in my chair just waiting for her to get here. I’ll have to be stern with her. It seems she believes that Kade really is her friend. While he might have been at one point or another, I know full well that now he's just after one thing. He wants her because she’s Mine. To be completely honest, I highly doubt the kiss before he left meant anything. I do kn
ow one thing, Lola will not like what she is about to receive when she walks through that front door. I won’t lie, I won’t enjoy punishing her, but she has to learn to obey me. Being my sub means that she submits to me. She at least grasps that concept. By doing what she did today, she defied me. Deliberately.

  I can hear her coming up the porch steps and then the unmistakable sound of the key sliding into the lock and clicking the deadbolt open. I sit back in my chair as she walks inside, glances at me smiling, and turns to lock the door behind her. She drops her purse on the couch, smiling, still looking generally pleased as she walks closer to me.

  “Lola,” I say in a stern, but smooth voice.

  Her mouth opens, recognizing my tone as her smile quickly fades and her shoulders drop.

  “Come here.”

  She swallows hard as she walks to me and stands in front of my chair.

  “On your knees, Lola.”

  She looks at me confused and startled but drops to her knees. Her head and shoulders fall as she kneels in front of me.

  “What was the one thing that I asked of you Lola?”

  She sits in silence for a moment and I can tell that she's thinking. She’s flustered and taken aback. Her thoughts aren’t clear and she’s beginning to fidget with her hands. I’ve never done any of this with her. Normally if she's kneeling in front of me, her head is in my lap, letting me pet her. The sudden change has made her uneasy.