Mid-Life Crisis

by T. Jessop

  Four coffees later, Baby was flea free, Christine calm, and I’m itching. Cheers!

  Chloe should be here around five; more than enough time to get her to check my hair. Shouldn’t be hard, seeing as it’s not a full head.

  Saturday 30th June 2014

  Leg wax 2pm.

  Poker night.

  After spending an hour being checked by Chloe for cooty’s we made it to the school reunion last night. Couldn’t be asked to go, but glad I did, we had a blinding time. Julie, the inevitable robotics. Mate? Please. Classmates and old flames, all of us ageing quite gracefully with exception to the ‘It ‘guy, Steve who was once Mr Perfect in his day. I say ‘once’ as he’s now bald as a badger with a pot belly. Sadly, I don’t think he knows this and he still tried to pull me. I got many compliments on my slim waistline, little do they know all credit goes to Joe for the untold stress he causes me, lol. Julie left early with some guy called Gerry. None of us remembers his face from school; really attractive, so we reckon he must have been one of those nerds that evolved later in life. I’ve texted Julie for details but haven’t had any reply yet.

  I felt a bit gutted when my ex breezed in looking nearly as good as he did 20 years ago. Cheered up slightly when someone pointed out his wife: big fat bird. Cheered up even more when I realised it was Donna, the original Barbie and top girl from school. Gloating subsided for pity when he bought drinks over to our table with his mobile number under my glass. How ironic, she was the reason he dumped me.

  We had such a great night that about 30 of us have organised to meet up again. I suspect my mid-life crisis is taking over: who knows, maybe I’ll wear the stripper boots. xx

  Off shopping for Andy’s birthday BBQ.

  Positives: No hangover.

  Negatives: Cos drinking arm is in a cast.

  Monday 2nd July 2014

  Shopping.

  BBQ yesterday went well. Tina and Terry fresh back from Africa gave Andy a fertility statue. Joe not impressed, as he said he can’t handle anymore grandkids at the moment. Elizabeth got back from her trip to Hawaii with Rico; how’s that discreet?

  I rang Julie three times yesterday, leaving messages. Still had no reply, hmm what’s going on? Chris said she’d seen her leaving the supermarket last night but she drove off before Chris could talk to her, so I know she’s alive.

  Chloe left around ten this morning to get back to the farm.

  Just back from craft store with pack of knitting needles, arm itching like fuck. I know I shouldn’t but God it feels good. The itching was almost as bad as thrush. Oh ha ha, shut up, nothing is ever as bad as thrush.

  Not sure if we should be worried. It’s Julie’s turn for girlie night on Friday, so will get to the bottom of it then.

  Tuesday 3rd July 2014

  Oh my God! Julie is fine, not sure if we are. After leaving the reunion things apparently got really steamy in the car park, but Gerry had said he wanted to do things proper so they went back to his place. They drank champagne, lit candles, and he undressed her slowly, paying close attention to every detail of her body. Julie then started to do the same; said she was so charged she practically tore his kit off ‒ to discover he had no giblets. He was a she, not some birth defect, but a woman. Hence why we didn’t recognise him… her… she was Geraldine from Mr Baker’s biology class. We’d were stunned into silence, except for Julie who declared it was the most erotic night of her life and that she will be doing it again. Poor Chris came for lunch. I filled her in and she threw up. Each to their own I guess; does this make Julie a lesbian? Apart from the deception on Gerry’s behalf, I gotta say Gerry is a stunning-looking man.

  Wednesday 4th July 2014

  Joe went fishing and forgot the sun lotion and is now glowing from face to waistline. I have duly lectured him on the stupidity of this and have since lovingly rubbed copious amounts of moisturiser into his skin. I done it of course cos I love him, but more importantly because I know it will aid the dead skin to shed in better strips.

  Note to self: Remember to pin hubby to floor in approx three days when skin will be ready for peeling.

  Thursday 5th July 2014

  Joe’s dad Pat’s 70th birthday.

  Melissa from five doors down is pregnant. Ah, bless, she’s only 17 but very mature. News reached Beryl the Beak, who of course was quick to condemn her and entire generations of her family for being sluts. Apart from telling her to mind her own business I said to her I know many women who had planned babies at the ‘right time’, when ‘financially secure’, and within marriage, and some of them are seriously crap mothers. Age, I don’t think is an issue. Beryl has a very short memory, if you take the age of her eldest daughter away from her real age (tells everyone she’s 68 when really she’s 62) this makes her 14 when she became pregnant. Slut! Lol. You know, for a woman to add years on her age, she has to be hiding summit. Mum was at school with her, she was known back then as Back Draft Beryl, on account of her never wearing knickers. And hanging around the fire station after dark. In the summer of 1952 she was sent on a visit to her Aunty Jean in Suffolk, returned three years later with husband Chuck and two kids under the age of four. Hmm, not rocket science. Chuck was a nice old guy though, whenever she’d confiscate our balls that went into her garden he would sneak them out and give them back on his way to work. This is how these nasty old bags end up with nice guys… shotgun, lol. Chuck was 29 when he dabbled on his shift at the fire station and had to marry her. Sure he only died to get some peace.

  We’re off to Joe’s parents tonight for dinner with the family to celebrate Dad’s birthday, probably end up at Flannigan’s.

  Saturday 7th July 2014

  Before I went to Julie’s last night I was having a visual rant about that sister of mine whilst dishing up dinner: she and the girls are off to Florida for two weeks and she’s packed and unpacked 16 times and rang me five times to do a checklist.

  Visual rant = arms flailing in emphasis of emotion ‒ in this case annoyance ‒ involves pointing and the like. Unbeknown to me a piece of hot meat pie was on the end of the knife. Joe appeared in the doorway pretending to give a toss at what I was saying, suddenly covers his right eye, screams (says he didn’t). I didn’t stay in and endure another evening spent with him glaring at me with the good eye, the other one was covered with some manky slice of Arctic Roll I found at bottom of the freezer amongst all the loose peas.

  Note to self: Must buy Joe an icepack or two. Or he could take up Julie’s offer of pain diversion. Slut. xx

  I eventually got to Julie’s for girlie night and had to endure Chris keep asking, ‘What have I forgot?’

  This is why I drink.

  Joe arrived at Julie’s at midnight to pick Chris and the girls up as he was on airport duty. Stupidly asked me if I want to come for the ride. If looks could kill I’d be a rich woman right now.

  I breathe a little easier today. Ah, peace.

  Sunday 8th July 2014

  Knocked Joe out, lol. xx The fan belt on the Hoover broke yet again and as he bent to look I thought it’d be helpful and flip it over. Clunk. Then thud, the sound of the handle smacking him at great force between the eyes, knocking him to the ground rendering him unconscious. Coma only lasted a few seconds, unlike my laughter that rang through the house for hours. I fear I’ve been living with Mr Calamity for so long he’s rubbing off on me. I thank you.

  If the tight bastard bought me a new one this could have been avoided.

  Monday 9th July 2014

  Joe football.

  Shopping.

  Yippee, pick day. xx

  Woo hoo, pick day. xx

  Now I know I’m not alone in this and it does seem to be a predominantly female thing… Joe thinks I’m scum, but will sit there anyway, letting me have my way as I delight in peeling his back. It’s the noise as you tear the skin away from the body, kinda crackly whoosh. Actually makes the mouth
water. Ultimate goal is to get whole big strips and he knows better than to fidget. If Chris was here she’d say I have issues(fuck me, that’d be rich coming from her). I say don’t knock it till you try it.

  Roll on five o’clock.

  Wednesday 11th July 2014

  Suntrap with Sam 9am.

  We were at a BBQ party at Michael and John’s last night. Neighbour Mary and toothless wonder John was there. Me having drunk loads was happily telling Mary she should dump his sorry arse, when he turned to me and said, ‘If I was your husband I’d poison your food.’ I politely replied, ‘If I were your wife I’d happily eat it.’

  Sam had Sun Trap today; they were given a list of things to find, i.e. something sticky, prickly, rough etc (should have taken Julie with me).The teacher has had a reality check, realising she needs to review the list or to be more specific, as two kids under the order of ‘something white’ returned with dried-out dog turds stuck to their worksheet, and as for the ‘something living’, Sam had Sello-taped a live earwig to his sheet.

  Thursday 12th July 2014

  Juliette popped round with her eldest, Claire. I couldn’t wait for them to leave, so resumed picking Joe’s skin. Poor Joe ended up laying on the floor with myself, Leigh, Juliette and Claire hanging off his back like apes fighting over a banana. Ahh, love him. xx

  Saturday 14th July 2014

  Yesterday was Friday the 13th and the gods shone on me as Chris is still in Florida. Yesterday was also the last day of school before the summer holidays begin; somehow summers always seemed longer and sunnier when we were kids.

  Elizabeth and Arthur set off on a cruise on the company yacht. Alright for some.

  Girls’ night at Tina’s. With the absence of Chris and Abigail an intelligent conversation was had about marriage. Just as it began to remind us all of the happy reasons we did it for, Julie killed the topic with one sentence: ‘Wedding rings are the world’s smallest handcuffs.’

  Sunday 15th July 2014

  Margaret and Pat’s anniversary.

  No cooking today, off to the Piper for lunch, courtesy of Joe and his bros for their mum and dad’s wedding anniversary.

  The internet is playing up constantly. I tried to call the company, ‘tried’ as it was either engaged or telling me due to high demand either hang on the phone (55p a minute) or send us an e-mail. Hello, no internet.

  Monday 16th July 2014

  Joe football.

  Shopping.

  Got through to the internet company and they said the fault was on my line as their service was working fine. So I rang the telephone company; well, tried. What I’ve now got is a telephone service that do not answer the phone: I got a machine telling me to do this, do that. Answer the fucking phone, people.

  Tuesday 17th July 2014

  Woke at half four this morning with a very cheery disposition, gave Joe a kiss as he passed me a cup of tea, then he stands up and said, ‘I’m off to pick Chris and the girls up from the airport.’ Oh mate. Chris and the girls came straight here, so by seven this morning had Baby who nearly split me eardrums squealing with excitement as she told me how she’d had tea with Mickey Mouse and then swam with da fishes: Sandy had taken Baby and Molly swimming with the dolphins. Chris viewed from a distance: she’d had migraine for two days and after reading that porpoises can detect illness she didn’t wanna share the same space as them in case they circled her, just staring at her head, thus confirming that this was no headache but probably a tumour.

  Welcome home, Chris. xx

  Roll on Wednesday, Penny’s birthday going to Cheekz. Gonna need it.

  Thursday 19th July 2014

  Had my hair done for night out yesterday; getting ready, I was playing some tunes with much complaint from the kids. So I want to clear something up once and for all: disliking a teenager’s choice of music has got nothing to do with my age, it’s their taste in music is just shit. And as for over the hill? I don’t remember even climbing one.

  Feeling it today after Cheekz: I hurt in places I didn’t even know I had. Well worth it. I think.

  Saturday 21st July 2014

  Edward’s 19th birthday.

  I had no intention of getting up early today. I was doing that thing where you stretch and roll, pushing your feet into the cold patches, hoping to nod off again. I could hear Joe in the kitchen, vaguely. I heard a kettle whistle; very odd, as ours is electric. And then there was silence, an uncomfortable silence. Oh, how I tried to ignore it, but gave in and got up. As I strolled down the stairs, Joe was glaring at the cat. The cat was purring loudly. Joe was a funny shade of grey. Without diverting his eyes he pointed at his foot. Concertinaed between three toes was a dead mouse. Dead from injury, I’m guessing, as that kettle noise must have been its life essence expelled from its body as 18 stone trod on it. ‘As quiet as a mouse’, lol. Not.

  Sunday 22nd July 2014

  As Chris was already at the caravan we thought we’d go spend the day with them, so off we went to Leysdown with the grandchildren in tow. We all went crabbing, or as Connor says, ‘sabbing’. One bucket full of crabs, six shrimps… and one baby swan, closely followed by its much larger mother. Graceful they may be, but definitely off its nut.

  Flying out to New York tomorrow. xx

  Thursday 26th July 2014

  Arrived New York on the Monday. Chloe and Julie were already at the airport when I got there; Julie had come straight from Paris. Chris rang me at the airport to ask me if it’s normal for the membrane covering your eye to move when you push it. That girl needs a life. And I need a new phone number.

  Tuesday, we spent a long day shopping in the Big Apple, and the evening brought dinner at the Plaza. Wednesday was Elizabeth’s 42nd birthday, so we had dinner at Giovanni’s, very posh. My, how the other half live.

  Me and Julie got home around five. I’m knackered, so will be having dinner and an early night.

  Sunday 29th July 2014

  Sam turned eight yesterday so Andy and Jess’s house was crawling with delinquents. Funny age, that. Seems a lot of them don’t clean their teeth, and then I noticed the worst thing I could have, at the top of my list of pet hates: dirty ear holes! Scummy ears have no place in this family. It doesn’t matter where I am, if I see anyone with grubby lug holes I can’t talk to them, and depending on the level of gross I’ve been known to heave. Drives me to madness when I see little kiddies like it; what’s the matter with these parents? They make sure the tykes are washed and clothed, but forget to clean the ears. Nobody wants to see ear wax, especially from little kids, the stuff hanging out of theirs is like mud. People with unclean ears defend themselves with the excuse that it’s painful and dangerous to poke around in there and it could damage the hearing. Well, aren’t these the same people who end up with blocked painful ears, can’t hear a thing, then have to have their ears syringed? These are the ones in my mind that are the scum of the earth; anyone who’s ears are so full that a doctor has to drain them should be ashamed of themselves.

  Monday 30th July 2014

  Joe football.

  This week’s ailment for Chris:forgetful and indecisive. I’m like that all the time, it’s called being female.

  Wednesday 1st August 2014

  Rosie’s first birthday.

  Because Jessica was getting stuff ready for Rosie’s BBQ, me and Joe offered to pick Connor up from Summer Day Camp. Unbeknown to us the police had visited earlier to give them a talk on dangerous drivers, including people who drink and drive. Connor casually told the officer that his granddad does it all the time, and takes a swig when he stops at traffic lights. Oh, it pained me to explain to the teacher that it’s bottled water.

  Thursday 2nd August 2014

  Conifer man.

  Was going out this morning then I remembered the ‘conifer man’ is coming. Why is this important to me?

  Saturday 4th August 2014

  Poker night
.

  Felt like a caged animal, so angry at the cast still on my arm, so I thought I’d clear the loft. Mate, the attic is just one big crap drawer.

  Didn’t get very far; become very tearful as I trailed through memories.

  Sunday 5th August 2014

  Guessing we had Hitchcock-type flock of birds visit the garden: I went out to hang out the washing and noticed Joe’s perfectly ripened grapes have been consumed from the vine. Strange I never heard them. Stranger still, Connor never saw them whilst in his sand pit.

  Mystery solved. xx

  Twenty minutes after grapes vanished, Connor has run past me at 20 mile an hour straight into loo. Judging by the way his legs were only moving from the knees down I’ll take a wild stab in the dark that he was said flock of pilfering birds.

  Monday 6th August 2014

  Hospital 9am.

  Joe football.

  Shopping.

  Off to hospital to have cast removed. So happy. xx

  11am, back from hospital now sporting a bright orange cast, bastard still hasn’t healed.