Mid-Life Crisis

by T. Jessop

  Penny’s having a shitter day than me; she got told earlier that Mark’s having an affair. We’ve all had our suspicions that he’s at it again; he’s got a lot of form, that guy. So now Penny’s neighbour has said she’s seen a woman going into the house after Penny leaves; she hasn’t seen her face, just her hair. What kind of woman is that brazen? Julie? lol xx

  Rang the others, and as ever we’ll rally round to lift her spirits the best we can with several large bottles of wine and full-on karaoke of ‘Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves’. Julie has already phoned her and talked her into going away at the weekend for a pamper. I know she puts up with it, but I still feel sorry for her.

  Tuesday 7th August 2014

  Julie here for dinner.

  Got up this morning and right hand looked like an inflated rubber glove. Rushed to the hospital: new cast was too tight. Now sporting a green cast. Someone’s having a laugh with me.

  Had Penny on the phone in tears: cheering night and pamper weekend are off. Julie had popped in hers on the way to work. After she left, Penny went next door for a coffee and the neighbour has said that Julie is ‘the other woman’. Julie was clearly pissed off with the accusation so I went round Penny’s to confront the neighbour. She was out, so I reminded Penny that Julie had dented the woman’s car last year, coupled with her husband always making a bee line to chat to Julie at Penny’s BBQ’s: obvious grudge. Two hours later it’s too late for the pamper weekend, but at least the sisters have kissed and made up. What a bitter old bag she has living next door.

  Wednesday 8th August 2014

  Julie got here around seven last night for dinner. No sooner had we sat down to eat she confessed all: she is the woman the neighbour saw, she’s been knocking Mark off for months. What do I do? They’re both my friends, they’re sisters, for Christ’s sake. can’t ignore what I’ve been told: thanx to Julie I’m privy to the truth. Do I tell Penny? Not tell, and convince Julie to leave well alone? What? 1st mistake: opening the front door to Julie

  2nd mistake: seeking advice from Joe. Sum total of his pearls of wisdom: ‘Slag!’

  Definitely touched a nerve when I said maybe best to go with the ‘What you don’t know can’t hurt you. ‘Not the brightest move on my behalf: Joe’s not talking to me. Cheers, Julie. Have now decided not to tell Penny. Julie gave me her word not to go there again and telling Penny will only make her existence more painful. Mark’s been having affairs since they met, and she’s vowed she’ll never leave him.

  Thursday 9th August 2014

  Grandkids for dinner.

  Why hasn’t a can opener been invented that can complete its one and only task from beginning to end, i.e. open a can. It took me five attempts to remove the lid, which in the end I had to bend back, which caused me to slip and saw through (to the bone) four fingers. Now sporting four white plasters. Every time Sam passes by me I get a chorus of ‘Billie Jean is not my luvva’.

  Friday 10th August 2014

  Hospital 10am.

  Leg wax 2pm.

  Week 6 enduring cast. Hospital at 10.00 am. Can’t take no more, I don’t care if it’s healed or not, I aint having another cast. I will tell the doctor straight.

  12pm. Home, crap home, back from hospital, and yes, got another cast. I told the doc, stood my ground right up to the part he said I could lose my thumb if it doesn’t heal right. That was all I needed to know, thank you.

  Chloe and Paul arrived at four; tonight we’re all going to the dog track.

  Julie texted and has just informed me she’ll be bringing Gerry to the barbeque tomorrow. I need to tell Joe the situation beforehand, but can’t find the words to explain; he’s still disgusted with her over the Mark thing, let alone geezer bird.

  Saturday 11th August 2014

  BBQ 12pm.

  Well, that was emotional, having bottled warning Joe and said nothing. Big mistake. Joe and Gerry got on like a house on fire, so well in fact that Gerry jokingly said that Joe was cute enough to convert her. Barbeque abruptly ended when Joe started yelling that he didn’t bat for the other side, so I then thought telling him that he was actually a she would somehow show him that it was a compliment, not a gay pick-up line. That went down like a lead balloon. I’m not sure if Joe believes I’m telling him the truth, but either way has vowed that Julie is a seriously messed-up individual.

  Monday 13th August 2014

  Joe football.

  Shopping.

  After Paul and Chloe left for home Sunday, me and Chris jumped on a train and took all the kids to Mum’s caravan for the day. We took them swimming. The lifeguard was ya usual pratt with an inflated ego: he told the little uns he has to cover the pool at night and if you can run fast enough across it you do what’s called the ‘Jesus run’ on the water’s surface. The boys were adamant they were gonna do it before we went home, so I did what all obliging grandmothers do and catered to the ego of the numpty long enough for Connor and Sam to do their thing, for which they seemed grateful. Then Joe arrived to pick us up and they preceded to wind him up with, ‘Nan’s been flirting with the lifeguard. ‘Nothing like thanks. Little shits. xx

  Forced Joe to buy a new lawn mower today, couldn’t take no more of the sodding dragmo.

  Chris now thinks she has a stomach ulcer. Oh. That’s the best I can manage right now.

  Wednesday 15th August 2014

  Hairdresser 5pm.

  Chris threw a BBQ for Sandy’s birthday yesterday. As usual, Daisy could be found in the possession of chocolate (de-foiled).She stood with chocolate round her mouth and Jessica remarked how grubby she was to which the little angel folds her arms, huffs and declares, ‘Mummy, how could I know? My eyes are here’‒ pointing indignantly ‒‘I can’t see my mouth.’

  It is Week 9 of incarceration of arm, so long in fact that I have now grown attached to the cast. It doesn’t look so pretty as we’ve been gardening, and had a loft clear out; there’s nothing I can’t do with it. Joe won’t miss it especially at night when I turn over in bed and I clump him in the face. Hmm, gonna miss it more now. Removal tomorrow, 9.30am

  Thursday 16th August 2014

  Hospital 9.30am cast off, yay. xx

  It’s hideous…It’s become a glowing white thing. My arm is skinny, dry and flaky, lol. I shall name it Julie. xx

  Plus side I can scratch it without looking over my shoulder and seeing Joe with a raised eyebrow, tutting. Downside, I’ve gotta do exercises to rebuild the muscle movement. Other than that, it’s all good.

  Yes! Freedom. xx

  Friday 17th August 2014

  Girls’ night Tina’s.

  Julie has set off for a few days at Chloe’s. My thoughts are with you, Paul. Better sleep with one eye open, pal.

  We had a pleasant but quiet night at Tina’s, and with the absence of Julie the subject of marriage rose again. Penny informed us that she’s no longer talking to her neighbour and that she and Mark are going to renew their vows. Really wasn’t missing Julie at this point, as my toes began to curl.

  Realization has just dawned on me that, having purchased another pair of shoes knowing damn well I aint never gonna wear them, I did what seems to be moves executed by an elite commando. Upstairs to the place I squirrel them away, stacked behind my dresses, which seem to have multiplied tenfold.

  Saturday 18th August 2014

  Diane’s baby due.

  Joe was breaking up an old wardrobe this afternoon; a piece of wood bent like a boomerang shot off and whipped me across the wrist. I stopped crying after about ten minutes, refused to go to the hospital, hoping it aint broken again. He did say he was sorry. Not very believable when he’s doubled over laughing his arse off. Guess revenge really is sweet.

  Sunday 19th August 2014

  Marie and Leonard’s anniversary.

  Andy, Jess and the kids came for dinner. To keep the kids amused I set them up outside with a tea set; Daisy a
nd the boys were playing Tea Party in the garden. Having given them 2 litres of cola for pot refills, Daisy all but two minutes later shouts for more drink. A little bewildered that they’d consumed 2 litres already, I shouted out to Connor to see if Daisy had spilt it all. He replied, ‘No, Nan, the tea bags drunk it all.’ Teabags? Casually I walk out the garden and see tampons swollen and wedged in the cups. All tampons bar one have been removed without too many awkward questions. Notice I said all but one? Connor has drawn eyes on it, named it Lenny and vehemently insists it’s a mouse.

  Tuesday 21st August 2014

  Julie came for dinner last night, and God forbid I asked her how her weekend at Chloe’s went. She insists great, and is not waiting for an excuse to go back soon: great house, great food, excellent moonshine, lol, and very friendly locals. It was that last bit that worried me. Apparently farmer Gerry wasn’t talking about the ram! Chloe, thinking Julie had gone for a ramble in the hills, was dumbfounded to hear it was more a fumble in the mill, with Gerry. Who, incidentally, is in his 50s, but Julie informs me, ‘Sod age, under his Argyll jumper he’ s pure prime beef. ‘Upside is at least Chloe don’t have neighbours, and at least it happened in distant hills. Apparently not, lol: in the hills, yes, and on a haystack, and over a tractor. Chloe was horrified and duly lectured Julie on the risk of his wife finding out, as all the women there are licensed to own guns. Julie assured Chloe that no one was gonna get shot as Gerry had asked if it would be OK if his wife could watch. Mate, she has no shame. For once I agree with Joe: she definitely needs help.

  Wednesday 22nd August 2014

  Maternity 8pm.

  Diane has given birth to a baby boy yesterday, I bestowed upon her the cutest outfit and the font of my advice from experience. Do not look at crotch any time soon after having a baby. I will never forget the nasty shock I had seeing a gaping wound that no matter how hard I tried could never imagine would ever return to an acceptable size. Julie asked how much he weighed, followed by ‘Is he ugly?’ I do wonder if a heart beats in that silicone chest of hers. Still, fair play, we were all thinking it, lol, as the father has the face of a sparrow hawk. Luckily enough he looks like Diane, and as Elizabeth always says ‘looks are not everything’. Maybe not, but it does help. She don’t give a toss, she’s just getting defensive cos she used to go out with the geezer herself, told to me in confidence; shared it with Chloe and Julie immediately, many fits of laughter to date.

  Thursday 23rd August 2014

  Paul invited Gerry and Deidre for dinner. Chloe struggled to look into their faces all evening, then grew really concerned that they seemed really eager to get Paul over to the farm. Chloe having made all sorts of excuses like being busy for next ten years reckoned this seemed to fuel them even more to get Paul to come alone. Julie is receiving all the blame, as Chloe reckon it’s Gerry’s turn to watch, and thanx to Julie they probably think we’re all fair game.

  Why, when you’ve hit your thumb with a hammer, do you not only hit it again in the exact same spot, but hit it twice as hard?

  Saturday 25th August 2014

  Julie’s 39th birthday.

  Last night Elizabeth and Chloe arrived here by six. We were at Wheelwrights for dinner then Cheekz. Paul text Chloe to say he’d accepted invite to dinner at Derek’s. Chloe still hasn’t said anything to Paul about Julie’s Highland Fling, as he is on side with Joe and feels disgusted over the whole lesbian thing. She’s tried allsorts to discourage Paul from going to Gerry’s, but he’s clearly not taken the hint. We’re all meeting up for lunch today at twelve, then we’re having dinner at Tre meur tonight, quite low key, for Julie’s birthday. Think she’s feeling a bit guilty about Paul. Yeah, right .Oooooh that would knock her ego, Paul never accepting any of Julie’s advances over the years, and ending up in the sack with frumpy Deirdre, lol. Ooh, lol. xx

  Jessica, knowing she had to go shopping today, has thrown Lenny the tampon mouse away, with much protesting from Connor, who cannot understand why it’s not acceptable to carry Lenny around the supermarket. He demanded ‘Why?’In true parent ‘who don’t wanna explain’ style, she throws him the ‘You’ll understand when you grow up.’

  Poor little sod, how annoying is that answer?

  Sunday 26th August 2014

  The garden spotlight needed replacing today, despite Joe’s track record of luck being zero too none. He was being sensible and removed the fuse for the entire downstairs lighting. I was getting something from the freezer when I could hear what can only be described as wet bacon being thrown into a very hot frying pan. Stumped, I stuck my head out the back door and asked Joe if he’d heard the strange noise. He starts shouting at me, shouting like a madman, ‘Answer the phone will ya!’What? Bewildered I said, ‘What phone?’At this point he’s now screaming at me, ‘The fucking phone that’s ringing. ‘Nearly wet myself. It seems in hindsight the garden light is actually wired into the mains via the loft, removal of fuse pointless. So Joe was having several thousand volts shot through his body, lol. Hence the ringing.

  Wednesday 29th August 2014

  Ian 41st birthday.

  Chris now has loss of concentration. So glad I sodded off Monday to Chloe’s for a couple of days with the grandkids. Having now been set free from the ‘cast’ and aggravated to hell by Julie’s affair with Mark, Joe suggested I should get away. I protested vehemently that I have too much to do here, and he assured me he’d fill my shoes and take care of the house. Was not convinced, but really wanted to go.

  So I get back from Scotland this morning and, oh, men wonder why they get shouted at. He practically forced me out of my own home on the bullshit promise the house would be cleaned as I would expect. I put my hands up to being a perfectionist, but this was slack, the idea of housework evades him: to him, stacking shit in piles instead of throwing stuff away or returning it to its rightful place, then running a Hoover around, is cleaning. No, mate. I have had to retrace his steps and do it right, and instead of having the brain to keep it shut he opened his gob and said I was picky! Picky, picky, he’s a man, he thinks in black and white; me, it’s the grey. Dusting, wiping woodwork down, light switches, grill pan, bin tops, actually clean the bathroom which includes pulling his hair out the plughole, cleaning the toilet is more than waving the bog brush around the pan. On the promise of ramming the bog brush down his throat if he said another word, he has walked out. Dick.

  He’s out tonight celebrating his brother’s birthday. Bit of luck, he’ll stay out.

  So short break has caused me grief. And Connor’s returned with a phobia. After ignoring repeated warnings not to chase Paul’s chickens he blindly ran into the coop and came face to face with the rooster, very big in comparison and not friendly. Fascination with them has gone, as Connor is emotionally scarred for life, lol.

  Thursday 30th August 2014

  Rhianne 7th birthday.

  Hospital 9am.

  Daisy won the hearts of the nursing staff when we visited Nan in hospital. Daisy marched up to her bed and shouted, ‘Granma, have you misplaced your hip?’After suffering the geriatric ward for half an hour, which was at least 27 minutes more than I could handle, me and madam popped into town and bought Rhianne a cup cake maker. Very girlie, very pink. No good for my granddaughter. xx

  Sunday 2nd September 2014

  Went uniform shopping with Jessica on Friday. I was explaining how I’ve always pondered as to why some kids wear shoes too big for them. We were in Farnham’s, the only shop you can purchase the uniforms from, and the owner who had heard me goes on to explain that some parents buy the entire uniform including the shoes in the largest sizes regardless of the fit so that the child doesn’t out grow it, so the uniform will last them for the entire time they’re at school, three years on average. Seriously, what these parents are saving in money the kids are losing in self-esteem.

  Popped round Aunt Shirley’s with the kids yesterday. On entering the lounge where her beloved cockatiel sits i
n his cage, Connor marched up to it with a face like thunder, points and says, ‘Is that a shicken?’

  Monday 3rd September 2014

  Joe football.

  Shopping.

  The doctor has told Chris she’s paranoid and that nobody is probably talking behind her back. Oh dear, lol. xx

  Tuesday 4th September 2014

  Car service 9am.

  Joe has questioned his recent weight gain, bless him. Phoned me earlier, saying, ‘Can you please come out the front of the house and help me out the car?’ I ran out in a panic and there sat on the driveway was the smallest courtesy car I’ve ever seen, and wedged behind the steering wheel sat Joe, looking very pissed off.

  Wednesday 5th September 2014

  Did the school run and popped in Mum’s, and Uncle Geoff was there. Connor asked him how old he was. Geoff, a spritely 94, said with a wink that he couldn’t remember. So Connor told him to look at the label in his pants as his say ‘5/6 years’.

  Thursday 6th September 2014

  Joe dentist 6pm.

  Spent a much-needed relaxing evening round Julie’s tonight. What I didn’t know was Jessica had popped round mine, found I was out and noticed I had washing in the machine, and kindly hung it out. I nearly died when on my return this evening there hanging on my line was under-crackers. This was and is one of the ‘never do’s’ ingrained in me, handed down from generations of matriarchs. You’d be forgiven for murder than to be seen with your smalls out for all and sundry to be viewing.