by Emily Forbes
She took him in to Chloe and Lily.
‘I need your help with the forms,’ Xander said to Chloe. ‘I’ve got her birthday as March the tenth. Does she have a middle name?’
‘Alexandra.’
‘Alexandra?’
Chloe nodded. ‘I wanted to give her something of yours. That was the closest I could manage.’
‘Thank you.’ It was an unexpected gift and the small gesture gave him an extraordinary amount of pleasure. ‘And her surname.’
‘Larson.’
Chloe’s name. Not his.
The doctor on duty came into the bay, putting an end to that conversation. He engaged Lily in a discussion about the plaster he was about to apply as Chloe took the clipboard and forms from Xander and swiftly completed them.
‘What colour would you like your plaster to be?’ the doctor was asking. ‘Would you like pink?’
Lily shook her head. ‘Green.’
Like Anna’s dress, Xander thought. He may not know everything about Lily but he knew her favourite colour. And the more time he spent with her, the better he would know her. He just hoped he would have as much time as he wanted.
* * *
Lily was asleep in the car, her green, plastered arm cradled in her lap. Xander was driving but Chloe noticed that he was constantly glancing in the rearview mirror, checking on Lily.
‘I felt so useless today when I couldn’t fill out those forms,’ he said as he returned his gaze to the road. ‘It made me realise how much I’ve missed, how little I know about her.’
‘She’s only young,’ Chloe said. ‘There’s plenty of time if you want to be involved in her life.’
‘She’s taken her first step, got her first tooth, said her first word. You got to see her first smile. She’s had her first day at nursery. There’s a lot to make up.’
Chloe didn’t want to argue; this day had been stressful enough, and she knew he was right. She tried to placate him. ‘She still has to have her first day at school, lose her first tooth, have her first boyfriend. She’ll need someone to teach her how to drive a car.’
‘Those things are all in the future. I’ve missed her past. I’ve missed three birthdays, three Christmases, three father’s days. I missed her birth.’
‘Xander, I said I’m sorry. I did try.’
‘I know. I’m not blaming you for that.’
Was he blaming her for everything that came after that though?
‘She was born at 6:52 in the morning,’ Chloe told him. She didn’t know if he wanted a description of the day Lily was born but perhaps it would help him. ‘She was six weeks premature. I was terrified when I went into labour. Despite my training I had no idea how it would end. I’d had none of the risk factors for early delivery and my mother had had no problems with any of her pregnancies either. I was worried that something was wrong with Lily. With me.
‘She spent a week in the NICU and three weeks in hospital. But she’s a fighter, a survivor. She progressed really well and she’s meeting all her milestones but it was a scary time. I think partly because I knew all the things that could go wrong and I worried about every last one of them. I wish you’d been there. I could have used your calm head.’
‘I don’t know how calm I would have been.’
‘Are you kidding? You’re so good in a crisis.’
‘It’s always different when it’s personal.’
‘You were good today. I don’t know what I would have done without you. She is everything to me,’ Chloe said as Xander turned the car into her street.
She unlocked the front door and let Xander carry Lily inside and she felt the tears well in her eyes as she looked at Xander with the tiny, precious bundle in his arms.
Her mother met them in the hall, alerted to their arrival by the sound of Chloe’s key in the lock.
‘Oh, the poor darling.’
‘She’s okay, Mum, but I’m going to put her straight to bed.’ She looked at Xander. ‘Can you give me a few minutes?’ She needed some time to compose herself.
* * *
Chloe took Lily from his arms, dismissing him, and the loss of her weight felt like an ache in his heart.
He could feel Chloe’s mother watching him and he tried to keep his expression neutral. It had been a stressful day and he could feel his emotions bubbling close to the surface. He needed to hold it together. He needed to stay strong.
‘Come and wait with me, Xander,’ Susan offered. ‘I’ll put the kettle on.’
He could use something stronger, he thought as he waited for the water to boil while he filled Susan in on the details of Lily’s accident.
‘How was your day until then?’ she asked.
‘I’m not sure,’ he admitted. There had been patches where he’d felt they were both relaxed and shared some easy conversation, a few connected moments, but there’d been times he thought that Chloe was holding something back too. ‘Chloe says you raised her and her brothers on your own. I don’t know if she thinks I’m needed.’ That was his main concern. That Chloe didn’t need him.
‘I’m not sure I’m the one you should be having this conversation with,’ Susan said as she warmed the teapot. ‘I didn’t choose to raise my kids by myself but I managed. I raised them on my own because my husband left me with no choice.’
He thought that was an odd turn of phrase.
‘Has Chloe told you anything about him?’ Susan continued.
‘She said he was a policeman and that he was killed in the line of duty.’
‘That’s true, but there’s more to the reason why I raised my kids alone. Grant had an affair and left me. I struggled for a while before I pulled myself together for the sake of the kids. My mum came and stayed. Chloe was seven, old enough to remember, and she’s never forgiven her father. She finds it difficult to put her trust in people.’
‘In me.’
‘Not just you,’ Susan said as she poured the tea.
‘I feel like she’s giving me small bits of information, not the whole story.’
‘It hasn’t helped that she couldn’t ever find you. It made her second-guess everything. She wondered if you knew she was looking for you, if anyone she spoke to who had worked with you ever passed on a message to you and if you just ignored that.’
Xander shook his head. ‘I never knew.’
‘You need to make that clear to her. You need to figure out what you want to do.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You have lots of options. I’m not someone who thinks every child needs two parents. Every circumstance is different and if you’ve got a parent who isn’t invested in their child, then that’s no better than only having one. Children need as much love as they can get. If you love them, you’ll do your best by them and that’s all anyone can expect. Chloe loves Lily. Adores her. She has been her world for the past three years. Longer, really. From the moment Chloe realised she was pregnant Lily has been her priority.
‘She and Lily have my support and the support of Chloe’s brothers but I know Chloe’s choice would be for Lily to have two parents who love her equally. But there is nothing to say you have to be involved in Lily’s life or that you have to do things Chloe’s way but I will ask you this—please think very carefully before you disrupt their lives. Chloe’s or Lily’s. And you need to expect that it will take time for her to adjust to sharing Lily. If that’s what you want.’
Xander was still mulling over Susan’s advice when Chloe reappeared.
‘How is she?’ Susan asked.
‘She’s okay. She woke up but she’s gone back to sleep now. I expect we’ll have a restless night.’
‘You already look exhausted,’ Xander said.
‘Thank you.’ She gave him a tired smile. ‘Always nice to hear I look as bad as I feel.’
‘I didn’t mean that.’ In his
opinion she still looked beautiful but her skin was so pale it was almost translucent and there were dark purple shadows under her eyes. The day had taken its toll on all of them. It had been stressful, emotionally charged, and it hadn’t ended the way any of them had expected.
Chloe collapsed onto a chair as Susan excused herself. Leaving them alone.
‘Lily didn’t ask for me when she woke up?’ Xander asked as he picked up the teapot and poured Chloe a cup.
Chloe sighed. ‘She’s met you twice, Xander. She doesn’t know you yet. Give her time.’
She was right. It was going to take more than a weekend for Lily to bond with him. For her to get used to him being around. And it wasn’t only Lily who needed to learn he could be trusted. Who needed time. Chloe needed that too.
He wanted to be part of her life. Their lives. Chloe’s and Lily’s.
It didn’t matter if Lily was his biological child or not.
She might be the only child he ever had and Chloe’s word was good enough for him. He didn’t want to muck things up.
Mindful of Susan’s words, he knew he needed to find out what Chloe wanted. What she needed. He couldn’t afford to make a mistake.
‘I want to be part of Lily’s life. I want her to know who I am. But I also need to know what you want. We’re in this together. We need to work out how we do this going forward.’ He needed a plan. He needed to prove to Chloe that his intentions were true. That he wasn’t going to disappear again. He needed to make plans to stay. ‘Tell me what you want.’
‘I’m not sure.’
‘What did you want when you found out you were pregnant? What did you want when you looked for me?’
‘I dreamt of a life with you but that was a fantasy. It wasn’t reality. I thought you didn’t want children so I convinced myself that it was better that I couldn’t find you. Then I didn’t have to listen to your side of the argument.’
‘But I do want children and if I am Lily’s father I want to be part of her life. And yours. I think we both need some time to work out what that means.’
Even before he saw Chloe unsuccessfully try to stifle a yawn he knew they weren’t going to solve their issues tonight. The conversation needed fresh heads and clear minds.
‘We can talk about this later. It looks like you need to go to bed. Will you let me know how Lily is in the morning?’
‘Of course.’
She walked with him to the front door.
He kissed her on the forehead and wondered where they would go from here as he said goodnight.
* * *
Chloe watched him walk away.
He wanted to be part of her life but what did that mean exactly? He was Lily’s father and nothing would take that away from him but how did she fit in? What did their future look like in his eyes? Did he want her?
He had said he would like to get married again. What if he married someone else? Lily would spend half the time with him and a stepmother. That wasn’t the life she wanted for her daughter.
That wasn’t the life she wanted for herself.
She wanted to share her life with someone too.
She wanted Lily to have her father. She wanted someone to love Lily.
She wanted someone to love her.
She wanted Xander.
She sighed and wiped a stray tear from her eye as she closed the door. She still loved him.
Had he ever loved her?
CHAPTER TEN
‘HI. THIS IS a nice surprise.’ Xander answered his door to find Chloe outside. He had spoken to her but hadn’t seen her for a couple of days. She had taken time off work so she could keep Lily at home and keep her quiet for forty-eight hours following her accident. ‘Come in. How are you? How’s Lily?’
‘She’s perfectly fine. She’s home with my mum today but she’s not complaining of any pain.’ She stepped inside but stopped beside the small table in his entryway. ‘Are these the DNA tests?’ she asked.
Xander had left the addressed envelope lying on the table. He nodded.
‘Have you done your test?’
He nodded again.
‘But you haven’t sent it off?’
‘No.’ He walked past the table and Chloe followed him into the lounge.
‘Why not?’ she asked as she sat down.
‘Because I don’t need to know the results. I don’t care. I want her to be mine.’
‘She is yours.’
But he’d been afraid of what might happen if the results said otherwise. That was why the envelope remained unsent. He wanted Lily to be his daughter so badly. Chloe had sworn she was and his fertility tests confirmed she could be. That was enough for him.
Chloe was holding out her hand. She held a USB stick between her thumb and forefinger. ‘I brought you something. A peace offering. It’s some photos of Lily. Of some of the moments you’ve missed.’
‘Thank you.’ He had missed so much, he thought as he took the gift. Three years. He wondered if Lily would feel the same sense of loss. ‘Do you think she’s missed having me in her life?’ he asked as he led her into the living room.
‘I’ve tried to do my best.’
‘You’ve done a brilliant job,’ he said. ‘She’s gorgeous, bright, inquisitive, friendly and confident.’
‘I honestly think that if you’re prepared to be part of her life from now on that will be enough. She’s young. She’s not going to remember these years. They’re formative but she’s had good role models, lots of love. That’s what she’s needed. I don’t think she’s missed out.’
‘But I feel like I have.’
‘I know. And I’m sorry. I really did try to find you but when I couldn’t I started to worry. I didn’t really know you. I had no idea how you felt about kids. All I knew was that your divorce had knocked you for six. I wasn’t sure if you’d want anything to do with us and I started to think you were avoiding my attempts to get in touch. Maybe I should have tried harder.’ Chloe sat on the couch, her arms crossed defensively over her chest.
‘I wasn’t avoiding you,’ he said as he put the USB stick down and reached for Chloe’s hands, trying to encourage her to relax. ‘I didn’t know you were trying to find me. When you left I was miserable. Everywhere I looked, everywhere I went, I was reminded of you and it was horrible. I was happy while you were there and then you were gone. I didn’t want to be there any more so I left. I needed to get away from all the memories.’
‘You didn’t think to come to find me? Why spend all that time travelling the world and not come here?’
‘You were young and gorgeous, happy to have a working holiday romance. What could you possibly want with a grumpy old man?’
‘You weren’t old.’ Chloe smiled. ‘And you weren’t always grumpy.’
‘I was a miserable old man.’ He could smile about it now. That man was gone, thanks to Chloe. His future was full of possibility. ‘You had your whole life ahead of you. I had a broken marriage and health issues. We had four weeks together. I didn’t know how you felt and I didn’t know what my future held. I didn’t know what my prognosis was at that stage and it wasn’t fair to think you might want to take a chance on a man who may have only a few years left. I figured eventually I’d find a place where I was happy again. I couldn’t come for you. I had nothing to offer you then.’
‘And now?’
‘Now I’m thinking what an idiot I was and how much time I’ve wasted. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I should have listened to my heart four years ago but I listened to my head instead and I’ve been searching for happiness ever since. I’ve found it again. With you. We can make this work.’
‘Make what work?’
‘You. Me. Lily.’
‘How?’
‘I could stay here,’ he said. ‘I’ve had a long journey to get here but I feel like this is where I am mea
nt to be. With you. We will figure this out.’
He’d given this a lot of thought over the past few days but he needed to know where Chloe stood.
* * *
Xander reached one hand towards her and Chloe could feel herself being seduced by his words. By the picture he was painting. By the earnestness she could see in his grey eyes.
Did he really want to be with her?
Would he stay?
Could she trust him?
His fingers skimmed her jaw and slid into her hair. His thumb stroked her skin. Waves of desire washed over her and she forgot about his promises. It took all her concentration to remember just to breathe. Her life might have changed—her life was no longer simple and carefree—but her reaction to Xander remained constant.
The touch of his fingertips on her bare skin sent a buzz of anticipation straight to her groin and she felt as though she was on fire. She rested her head back on the couch, relishing the sensation as his touch brought her body to life.
He leant towards her. He was inches from her, his lips close enough to kiss, his neck close enough to nestle into. She breathed in deeply, savouring his smell.
She met him halfway, closing her eyes as his lips touched hers. She heard her soft moan as he kissed her. She parted her lips, welcoming his tongue into her mouth. Letting him explore her and taste her as she tasted him.
His hand was on her hip and he lifted her easily and pulled her onto his lap. She felt his hand slide up under her shirt, warm against her back, but his lips didn’t leave hers. Her hands wound around his neck as he undid her bra with a flick of his fingers.
She arched her back as his fingers traced her ribcage. She gasped as his fingers cupped the underside of her breast and her nipple hardened in expectation as his thumb stroked her flesh. He found her nipple, stopping to tease it, running his thumb over and around it, sending electric shocks through her body.
His hands moved to her waist and Chloe lifted her arms above her head as he removed her clothes. He trailed a line of kisses down her neck to her breasts and ran his tongue across one nipple, turning her dizzy with desire before he took her other breast into his mouth, sucking it and making her writhe in ecstasy. She pushed her hips towards him, unable to keep still.
