The First Time Mums' Club

by Lucie Wheeler

  ‘No,’ Zoe said, rolling her eyes. ‘Ellie’s here, isn’t she, so I can hardly take him back to mine.’

  ‘What about his?’

  ‘Are you pimping me out, Pip?’

  Pippa laughed and sprayed her tea over the counter. ‘Oh no, I’m sorry,’ she giggled.

  ‘It was the word pimp, wasn’t it?’ Zoe chuckled and wiped up the spray from the counter. ‘I didn’t go back to his, not sure I’m ready for that sort of commitment yet. Just enjoying the whole dating thing right now.’

  ‘That’s all well and good, but make sure you don’t punish yourself just because you don’t want to rely on anyone. I know what you’re like; you will be beating yourself up over the past and keeping him at a distance. Not everyone is like…’ she trailed off, not wanting to say that guy’s name and wondering whether she was right to be turning the conversation back to that time in Zoe’s life. Zoe looked a little uncomfortable at the mention of this. ‘Look,’ Pippa placed her hand on top of her friend’s to gain her attention. ‘I don’t want to make you think of that time, but just remember that you deserve to be happy. Don’t tar every guy with the same brush – let nice things happen.’

  Zoe nodded and smiled. ‘I know, and I’m not tarring anyone with that, I’m just making sure everything is right before I go that one step further. We’ve only been dating a couple of months – it’s still early days yet.’

  ‘But you do like him?’ Pippa asked, a smile snaking across her mouth because she already knew the answer. Judging by the way Zoe had been speaking about him recently, she knew she was head over heels.

  Zoe laughed and nudged Pippa gently. ‘Oh, be quiet, we sound like schoolgirls. Now drink up because I have a new coffee syrup I want you to try for me.’ She went to walk away and shouted over her shoulder, ‘Don’t worry, its decaf!’

  *****

  ‘Els!’

  Chris came rushing into the women’s toilet, locating her almost instantly on the floor by the sink, sobbing. His knees buckled as he immediately dropped to the floor, throwing his arms around Ellie’s shoulders and practically pulling her onto his lap.

  ‘Shh, it’s okay. Come on, calm down.’ He pulled her hair away from her face and smoothed it down her back, letting his hand slide gently along her spine and then slowly back up again, how he always did to calm her down.

  ‘I don’t know what happened. I just came in and she was hyperventilating in there.’ Ellie kept her eyes firmly squeezed shut as she listened to the woman talking, her sobbing calming to a quiet hiccup as Chris’s calming strokes along her back began to take hold. Ellie thought back to the time she was sitting on Chris’s sofa in his flat when her mum had died and he just held her. No words. Just held her for hours, stroking up and down her spine and kissing her occasionally on the top of her head. He had this way with her like no other person; he could calm her with just one touch. It was an amazing connection they had. And now she was going to fuck it all up by telling him she had gone and got herself pregnant. If she lost him too, she didn’t know what she would do.

  ‘Els?’ She felt his chest pull away from hers slightly as he tried to look down at her. ‘How are you feeling?’

  She looked up at him, unable to describe how she felt. Because, in all honesty, she didn’t actually know what the hell just happened to her. She pleaded with her eyes for him to help her. One of the great things about being so connected to someone was that she knew she only had to look at him and he would know what to do. Except, this time he had no idea what secret she was harbouring. How the words that were going to have to come out of her mouth would turn his whole life upside down. What scared her more was that she was starting to think she wanted this baby.

  ‘Els, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. Please,’ he lifted his hand and brushed his thumb down her cheek. ‘I’m worried about you.’

  She felt her chin quiver and threaten to give way to the tsunami of emotion ready to explode again. ‘I’m sorry.’ She managed to squeak out.

  He looked heartbroken. As though he felt completely useless and unable to fathom what it was he was supposed to actually do to make her better.

  She sat up, away from his tight grasp and let his hands drop slightly into her lap, pulling at her fingers to cup into his. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ she finally said.

  ‘If you don’t tell me, I can’t help you.’ He shrugged and willed her to talk. After a moment he squeezed her hand. ‘Shall we go back to the table and get a coffee? Then you can tell me exactly what the hell is going on?’

  She nervously looked at him. His face was a cross between love and concern, and seriousness. He wasn’t going to let her leave this time without coming clean. It was now or never.

  Chapter 10

  After what felt like a million years, Ellie was sitting back at the table in the restaurant she had chosen to meet Chris at.

  ‘I bet I look a mess, don’t I?’ She said, rubbing her hands over her tear-stained face.

  Chris walked around the table with a glass of water he had just collected from the bar and stood facing Ellie, not yet taking his seat. She couldn’t look at him. Her whole body tensed up and she physically hurt. She didn’t want to look at him. Didn’t want him to see her face. Didn’t want to be here. He sat down in the chair that he had recently vacated, but then seemed to change his mind and stood up. Ellie was afraid he was going to walk away, so she snapped her head up and said, ‘Chris, wait!’ He didn’t stop, but instead of walking away, he strolled right around to her side of the table and sat down next to her, pulling her in for the biggest hug, wrapping his arms around her waist and squeezing her tight.

  Ellie felt a bolt of emotion overcome her and, without being able to control herself, she burst into tears again. Just the feeling of Chris’s arms around her again, someone she trusted, someone she knew loved her, someone who was always there for her, she hugged him back and never wanted to let him go.

  ‘Oh, Els, what is going on?’ he asked as he stroked the back of her head. ‘Shh, come on. It’s okay. I’m here now and whatever it is, we can sort it out. I promise.’

  She could smell his aftershave again. It was the one he always wore; she could identify it in a heartbeat. He smelt sweet and manly and up until now, she just thought it was his smell. But now, now it smelt different. It was the same aftershave, she was sure of that, but this time it smelt stronger. Not as if he was wearing more, but as though she smelt it through a new nose. It was a weird sensation.

  After a few moments, her crying calmed to a soft blub and she pulled back from his shoulder, trying to hide her face in her hands out of sheer embarrassment.

  ‘What are you doing?’ he asked, and it was clear he was smiling; she could hear the smile in his voice.

  ‘I look a mess.’ She dropped her head into her hands and wished now, more than ever, that she had her make-up supplies with her.

  ‘Don’t be stupid. You look fine.’

  Defiantly she snapped her head up and looked at him, raising her eyebrow in a challenging way as if to say go on; tell me I look fine now.

  He laughed, and it was the loveliest sound she had heard in a long time. His silky voice emitting this beautiful, happy sound. She wished she could bottle it and keep it forever. Because she knew, after today, that there probably wouldn’t be much laughter between them – it would probably be all stress and nappies and money-talk.

  ‘Honestly, you’re fine. A little blotchy here and there, but mostly your normal, beautiful self.’

  Ellie pushed him on his arm and rolled her eyes. She didn’t take compliments at the best of times, least of all from Chris.

  ‘Here,’ Chris gave her a tissue from his pocket.

  ‘It’s not covered in your snot is it?’ she eyed it suspiciously, hiccupping as she tried to steady her breathing.

  ‘No, but I’m pretty sure it’s about to be covered in yours, by the look of your face.’

  ‘Hey!’ she quickly put the tissue up to her face.
r />   ‘I’m joking,’ he replied. ‘You’re fine… honest.’

  She used the tissue to clean herself up a bit and regain a normal breathing pattern again. Chris had stood up to go back over to the counter, so she used this time to check her face in her mirror. She was right; she did look a complete state. Her face was patchy with red splodges; her eyes puffy as though she had really bad hay fever and her top lip looked a little swollen where she had been constantly crying and rubbing her nose. It was not a pretty sight. She wet the corner of the tissue with the tip of her tongue, to try and wipe away some of the mascara that had spread down one of her cheeks. Really, she needed to take all her make-up off and start again. She felt vulnerable sitting in public with her face like this.

  He came back to the table, holding a latte for himself and a chocolate milkshake for Ellie. ‘What’s that for?’ she asked, unable to stop the smile from spreading across her face.

  ‘Well, if there was ever a time for chocolate milkshake, I reckon now would be it.’ He put it on the table, kissed her on the top of her head and sat down opposite. He watched her as she took a sip. The creaminess from the ice cream melted in her mouth as she swallowed the amazing chocolatey flavour. ‘Good?’

  ‘Mmm, epic.’

  ‘So, come on, what the hell is going on with you? Because I’m not going to lie, this wants to be good otherwise I have just spent the last God knows how long sat on the floor in the ladies’ toilet for no reason.’

  Ellie turned up the corners of her mouth at his comment, but then shook her head and looked into the glass of frothy brown liquid.

  “Nope, not having all this again Ellie. You can’t just walk out of a shoot, drive hours away to your sisters, ask to meet me, act weird, hardly text me, miss my calls, meet me for lunch in bloody Milton Keynes, have a complete meltdown in the ladies loo… and tell me nothing is wrong.”

  Ellis stared at Chris, her eyes wide, taking it all in. ‘Wow, when you say it like that it does sound a bit like I’m a loony.’

  ‘No, you’ve always been a loony. This, however, is completely out of character – and you know it.’

  She nodded as the realisation dawned on her. She had to tell him or risk losing him forever. And actually, she thought to herself, by telling she might lose him forever too, so either way, she could potentially ruin their friendship – so what did she have to lose?

  He paused for a minute and then said sadly, ‘Is it me? Have I done something wrong?’

  She took his hands in hers across the table, her face contorted with sorrow. ‘No Chris, it’s not you. You have done nothing but be there for me.’

  He leaned in closer so that their faces were just inches apart. His eyes staring into hers, never wavering. His thumb gently rubbing the top of her hand whilst his knee, leaning against hers under the table, bounced up and down in anticipation.

  This was it. It was now or never. She took a deep breath and did what she had been dreading.

  ‘Chris… I’m pregnant.’

  Chapter 11

  The breeze whipped at Imogen’s face as she walked past the duck pond in the park, hand in hand with Alice. This was one of her favourite places to be. She frequently came here after work to walk around the pond, watching the children feeding the ducks on their way home from school after having spent half an hour in the park. Occasionally she would sit on the bench by the park and just listen. Listen to the sound of the children screaming and laughing as they jumped around on the play equipment. No fear, just pure elation and adventure. It was one of her favourite sounds – happiness and innocence all wrapped up in an exciting little package of wonderment. And now, finally, she was going to experience that first hand.

  ‘What you thinking about?’ Alice asked, snapping Imogen out of her daydream and back to reality.

  ‘How much fun it’s going to be to bring the baby to the park and to feed the ducks.’

  ‘I literally cannot tell you how excited I am, Ims. It’s just the best feeling in the world.’

  ‘I know. But until we see the doctor, I don’t think we should get too excited. I just want to know everything is okay.’

  ‘I know, but I can feel it. It’s all going to be fine.’

  ‘Don’t, Alice.’ Imogen looked out over the pond at the little boy with his father, throwing small pieces of ripped-up bread into the water. ‘As hard as it has been each time we tried and it failed, we never had it, so it was manageable. But this time, it’s there. We do have it – I couldn’t bear it if anything happened.’

  Alice stopped suddenly and pulled Imogen around to face her. ‘Hey, why are you talking like that? Her tone was kind and gentle. ‘Everything is going to be fine. I promise.’

  ‘You can’t promise this, Alice. It’s not in our hands.’

  ‘Why would anything go wrong?’ She paused and then added. ‘You need to allow yourself to enjoy this moment, Ims. Stop thinking of the negative and enjoy the excitement.’

  Imogen started walking again and gently pulled Alice’s hand to encourage her to follow. ‘I just don’t want to get my hopes up and then something happens and I have to… come back from it. I don’t think I could come back from something like that.’

  ‘Baby, you’re worrying over nothing at the moment. Let’s just wait and see what the doctor says tomorrow and, hopefully, then you’ll allow yourself to be happy.’

  Imogen nodded.

  ‘I just want to tell the world.’

  ‘Does it not worry you, though…what people will say?’ She couldn’t look at Alice as she asked because she knew what Alice would say.

  ‘No, it doesn’t. And it shouldn’t worry you either.’ Her response was a little sterner than last time. Imogen knew this topic frustrated Alice. She couldn’t understand why Imogen let it bother her so much.

  ‘I can’t help it, you know. It just gets to me.’

  ‘But we are adults now. We are entitled to do what we want and be with who we want to be with. There is no law against same-sex relationships and there isn’t one for those couples having babies either. Those people who have a problem with it – it’s their problem. Not ours. The more you let their words seep into your brain, the more it will mess you up. You need to stand strong with your head held high.’

  ‘It’s easy for you to say, you’ve got people behind you.’

  ‘Imogen, you have me and you have my family. You can’t let people like your mother ruin your life. If she cared about you then she would love you no matter what.’

  ‘That’s not fair and you know it.’

  They went quiet and as they continued to walk, the air between them tense. With every step she took, Imogen regretted bringing this up. This was supposed to be a nice calm stroll through the park before dinner and now it was turning into a heated discussion between the pair of them. She just wished Alice would try to understand. But Alice was very strong- minded and when it came to defending her sexuality, she was very passionate about it.

  ‘Has your mum been messaging you again, then?’ Alice asked, and Imogen could hear the tension in her tone.

  ‘No,’ she lied, and instantly regretted it. But it wasn’t worth the argument.

  ‘Good, because we don’t need her stressing you out.’

  ‘She doesn’t mean it, you know.’

  ‘Ims, don’t make excuses for her. She chooses to be the way she is with you and with me, and this whole situation. She has the choice to be okay with it and to be a part of our lives.’

  ‘But she’s sick, she can’t help it.’ Imogen always went on the defensive with her mum. Even after everything she had put Imogen through; she couldn’t help but long to have that relationship with her.

  She stopped walking and sat Imogen down with her on the bench they were passing. ‘Bipolar Disorder is an illness and she may not be able to help it. But she has been given medication to help her and she doesn’t take it. The doctors offered her therapy to help – she didn’t take that either.’

  Imogen exhaled, defeated.
>
  ‘There’s only so much we can do, but she chooses to let these episodes rule her life and she takes it out on you. And that’s not fair.’ Alice cupped Imogen’s hand in hers.

  ‘I just want to be able to help her, to make things easier.’

  ‘I know you do, but we have tried. She’s not willing to let us help – she wants you to leave me and go back to living with her so you can go back to doing everything for her.’ She paused and then tentatively asked, ‘That isn’t what you want, is it?’

  ‘No, of course not. Alice, I love you so much. I’m just finding it really hard not having Mum around, you know, now that we have the baby coming.’

  Alice pulled her in for a hug and kissed her forehead. ‘Things will be fine. I promise I will work my arse off to make sure you and this baby have the best life. And you know you’ll always have my mum.’

  ‘I know,’ Imogen said, but inside her heart sunk. Alice’s mum wasn’t the same – she wanted her mum.

  But it looked as if that was never going to happen.

  Chapter 12

  ‘Chris?’ Ellie looked back at her friend who was sitting open-mouthed, having not moved for the last few minutes. His beautiful blue eyes were wide in disbelief as he stared back at her. Her heart pulsated rapidly, pumping her blood so quickly around her body that she was becoming a little fuzzy-headed. She looked around the restaurant, certain that everyone must be able to hear the pounding in her chest, which was causing her to hear a loud ringing noise in her ears. She could feel her skin becoming clammy as she began to sweat. After a quick glance around, she looked back at Chris whose gaze had now dropped slightly as he tried to take in this new information. Ellie shook his hand slightly to get his attention back to her. ‘Chris? Say something… please.’

  He looked back at her, gazing into her eyes. He closed his mouth and shook his head in disbelief. ‘Pregnant?’ he practically whispered the word to her. Tears filled her eyes again as she nodded. Chris seemed to snap out of whatever it was as he saw her getting upset again. He stood up and immediately, joined her back on the other side of the table, once again, putting his arm around her and giving her that much-needed reassurance. ‘Shit,’ he breathed.