The First Time Mums' Club

by Lucie Wheeler

  ‘I’m sorry, Chris, I –’

  ‘Shh, it’s okay. We will get through this. It’s fine. Why didn’t you bloody tell me sooner?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She did know. But she could hardly tell him that she was worried he would do a runner. That this would be the end of their friendship. That she didn’t want to have a baby. There was no real reason to think he would do any of those things. He’s a nice guy. But panic was making her brain fry and she could no longer decipher between thoughts that were rational and thoughts that weren’t. She was a mess – plain and simple.

  ‘Well, we need to sort things out and make sure that the guy pulls his weight and doesn’t leave you to do everything.’

  ‘But… Chris…’

  ‘No, Ellie, you can’t be being all Mrs Independent on this like you usually do with things, the guy has a responsibility too – it takes two to make a baby. Has he been supportive?’

  Ellie tried to talk, but all that came out was a mix of stutters and half-words. She thought she had done the hardest part; she didn’t expect Chris to get the total wrong end of the stick.

  ‘Who is he?’ Chris looked a little angry as he asked and this threw Ellie off-course.

  ‘What?’ She croaked.

  ‘Who’s the dad? Because if he thinks he’s going to just leave you with all this to deal with on your own, he’s got another thing coming.’

  ‘Chris… listen to me.’ He turned his head, catching her eyes square-on. She felt as if she was going to buckle under the surge of panic, which seared through her chest right at that moment. He looked just like the Chris she remembered. The protective, loving, always-there- for-her Chris who she was so fond of. Right now he was fighting her corner, but would he continue to do so once he found out the truth? She didn’t have a choice in the matter. She had to tell him. ‘It’s… it’s…’ she stumbled and dropped her gaze.

  ‘Oh my God,’ he whispered. ‘It’s mine, isn’t it?’

  She held on to the quiver in her chin as she nodded.

  ‘Fuck,’ she heard him say under his breath, moving towards her and pulling her in for a hug. He exhaled heavily. Whilst he was there for her physically, she couldn’t shake off the feeling that, emotionally, he was a little empty right now. She wanted to gauge what he was thinking but instead chose to stay quiet and wait for him to talk. It took a little longer than she felt comfortable with, but eventually he spoke. ‘Els, this is huge.’

  ‘I know,’ she squeaked.

  Silence again. She wanted to ask him if he was going to run a mile. She wanted to beg him not to leave her. But realistically, she didn’t know what was going to happen. And she wasn’t the type of girl to beg for anything. She didn’t need anyone.

  Her phone beeped. It was a message from Zoe.

  Please just let me know that you are okay?

  ‘Shit, I forgot to text Zoe.’ She typed a quick reply, just saying that she was fine and that she was talking to Chris. She placed her phone back in her bag and resumed picking at her nails for something to do.

  Chris coughed, either to clear his throat or get Ellie’s attention. Either way, she looked up. ‘I need to just, you know, take this in.’ He smiled at her but she could see the strain behind it.

  ‘I don’t expect anything from you, Chris. You know that don’t you?’ She felt her barriers shoot up as if they were spring-loaded. The first sign of worry and, yep, up they go.

  He glanced at her with a look on his face as if she had hurt his feelings. ‘I’m not going to just abandon you, Ellie. I’m not an arsehole.’

  ‘I know you’re not!’ She leaned back, offended that he would think that of her. ‘I’m just saying, I didn’t come here to tell you to make you do anything you didn’t want to.’

  ‘You didn’t come here to tell me at all, if you’re being honest’ he said, under his breath. But she heard him. She also heard the strain in his voice.

  ‘But I did tell you.’ She defended herself.

  He gave a little snort, but then tried to cover it up. ‘I don’t want to argue with you. We have bigger things to worry about right now.’

  She went to retaliate, but decided not to. Right now, all she wanted to do was leave.

  *****

  Imogen picked up her phone from the counter when Alice went in the bath and typed out a message.

  Mum, it’s me. Just wanted to check all was okay?

  She felt guilty straight away for doing it behind Alice’s back, but after their conversation today she really just wanted to speak to her mum. Maybe if she tried harder to make her mum understand, things would be easier. And then she could show Alice that all was okay and everyone would be happy. She loved Alice to pieces, but one thing Alice wasn’t very good at was understanding from her point of view about the whole Mum situation. It was easy for her, she had amazing parents. But Imogen grew up in a difficult household plagued with anxiety and depression and as much as Alice said she understood how hard it was, she didn’t – not really.

  But that wasn’t her fault. And it didn’t make Imogen love her any less. It just meant that for things like this, and whilst she was sorting herself out, it was best to keep these things quiet.

  But instead of texting back, her mum called.

  ‘Hello?’ Imogen said quietly, trying not to sound as if she was trying to whisper.

  ‘Imogen, it’s Mum.’

  ‘Hi.’

  There was a pause. It felt awkward. She listened to her mum’s breathing down the phone; it was sort of jittery, as though she was crying.

  ‘Mum? Is everything okay?’

  ‘It’s so nice to hear from you, sweetheart, are you coming home yet?’ She was clearly upset. It broke Imogen’s heart to hear her mum like this, and she had had many calls and texts over the years with her mum either crying or shouting at her, for whatever reason.

  ‘No Mum, I live here. With Alice. You know this.’

  ‘But I promise you, you will be happier back here with me. You won’t have to deal with people looking at you funny or talking about you behind your back. We can sort this. You can start again.’

  ‘I don’t want to start again. I love Alice and I want to be here with her. I don’t care if people talk behind my back – that’s their problem, not mine.’ She relayed what Alice had said to her earlier, wishing she felt as strong as she made out.

  ‘So why did you text, then, if you don’t want to get away?’

  ‘Because I wanted to make sure you were okay. After the last time we spoke you were pretty upset and then I haven’t heard from you – I was worried. I don’t set out to upset you, Mum. I just want you to understand, to see, that we are really happy and I want you to be a part of that.’

  ‘You know I can’t do that.’

  ‘But why?’ she pleaded.

  ‘Because what will people think, Imogen? What will they say about me? What they already say about you.’

  ‘Why do you care so much? Surely my happiness means more to you than what other people think and do? No?’ She willed in her mind for her mum to just see what she was saying. ‘Things could be so different if you just accepted that I am married to Alice and –’

  ‘I can’t!’

  They both sat in silence for a minute and then Imogen heard Alice come out of the bathroom and begin to descend the stairs.

  ‘Listen, Mum, I have to go. Just think about it, okay? Please.’ She waited for a response, but her mum just ended the call.

  ‘Alright?’ Alice said as she walked into the kitchen. ‘Want a cuppa?’

  Imogen smiled and nodded. She was afraid if she tried to speak, tears would come out instead.

  Chapter 13

  ‘Whose fucking bad idea was that?’ Ellie shrieked as she stormed into her sister’s flat. She slumped down immediately onto the sofa, next to Zoe, and placed her hands over her eyes dramatically. It was mostly for effect, but also because she truly couldn’t believe what her life had become over the last few days.

  ‘Does th
is need coffee?’ Zoe asked, but didn’t move.

  Ellie threw her arms back down at her sides and turned her head to face her sister. ‘Honestly, what the fuck is going on in my life?’

  Zoe laughed and squeezed Ellie’s knee. ‘Do you know what, sis? I ask myself that question plenty of times.’ She stood up and walked to the kitchen, flicking the kettle on. Ellie could still hear her perfectly because the flat was so tiny. ‘So, come on, spill.’

  ‘I don’t even know where to begin.’

  ‘The beginning is always a good start,’ Zoe retorted.

  ‘Haha, very funny’, Ellie said under her breath. ‘Well, I told him. He knows he is the dad. And,’ she paused as she relived his expression, ‘I guess he will be there for me.’ She sighed and looked out of the window beside her, looking at the lights from the shop cascading down onto the footpath outside and losing herself in the brightness.

  After a few minutes, Zoe returned to the room with two cups of something hot and a packet of biscuits under her arm. ‘Here, take these.’ She passed the cookies to Ellie and dropped into the sofa beside her. ‘So he’s okay?’

  Ellie shrugged.

  ‘He’s going to help you?’

  A sigh. ‘I guess so.’ She paused as she let the thoughts from today wash over her. ‘Zoe, I just don’t want him to feel pressured into being something he doesn’t want to be.’ She sipped her hot chocolate and tried to blink back the tears.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Ellie swallowed hard before saying, ‘I just don’t want our friendship to suffer because of a mistake we made. I love Chris to bits and if I lose what we have because of a drunken shag, I would never forgive myself. Our friendship means so much to me and I will do anything to make sure that it is kept safe.’ She waited for a response but didn’t get anything. She looked at Zoe, who was playing with her nail varnish. ‘Do you see what I mean?’

  Zoe looked up. Her face was full of sorrow and, what Ellie could only describe as bittersweet happiness.

  ‘Els, I’m afraid your friendship will have to change because of this. There’s nothing you can do about that.’

  Ellie huffed and looked back at the window. Fucking great, she thought as she sipped her tea.

  ‘It’ll be okay,’ Zoe must’ve used her sister senses and realised how low Ellie was feeling right now because she reached over and pulled Ellie into a hug. ‘I know this is really shit for you at the moment, but trust me, it’ll work out.’

  Ellie pulled away. ‘How?’

  Zoe looked startled. ‘What?’

  ‘How?’ Ellie pressed. ‘How will this all be hunky dory?’ The sarcasm dripped from her voice like honey, lacing every syllable leaking from her mouth.

  ‘Because it will.’

  ‘Oh, thank God for that. It’ll be okay, ‘because it will’, that’s okay, then.’

  ‘Stop it!’ Zoe pushed Ellie’s shoulder, not hard, but hard enough for her to realise that she wasn’t messing around. ‘You aren’t going to get anywhere by feeling sorry for yourself!’

  A moment passed whilst the two sisters glared at each other, waiting for one to give up and drop the gaze. Subsequently, this time, it was Zoe.

  ‘Els, it will be okay because it has to be! You can’t just brush it under the carpet because things got too tough. Life is hard, you have to deal with it – end of!’

  ‘How?’ Ellie shrieked, before letting a stray tear, which betrayed her, slide down her cheek. ‘Zoe, I can’t do it.’

  Zoe stood and walked towards her, taking her hands into hers. ‘Why can’t you?’

  Ellie took a moment to compose herself and then raised her gaze. Not all the way to Zoe’s, she wasn’t ready for that, but enough to lift her chin. ‘I’m not like Mum,’ was all she said, before taking her hands back and walking back to the sofa, keeping the distance between them.

  Zoe’s face creased in confusion as she said, ‘What? I don’t get it? What’s that supposed to mean?’

  Ellie threw her cardigan on the sofa and whipped up her mug of hot chocolate. She stopped in the doorway and said, ‘I can’t be the mum that our mum was. I will never live up to what she would’ve wanted, to what mums should be. I’m crap! I can barely look after myself, let alone another living being. Chris says he will be there but I can tell he’s freaking out.’

  ‘Is he not allowed to freak out too?’ Zoe pressed. ‘Look at you! You’re totally having a meltdown about it – maybe think about him too. You’ve known for a few days – he has literally just found out. So why can’t he freak out?’ She was shouting at Ellie in frustration now.

  ‘I just can’t do it, okay?’ Ellie slammed the door behind her as she walked to the bedroom. She knew she was being irrational, but it was the only way she knew how to be right now.

  *****

  Ellie woke up to the sound of her phone vibrating on her bedside table in the spare room. She rubbed her eyes and leant across to pick it up. Chris’s name was flashing at her and it took her a moment to see that he was video-calling her. She groaned and answered but turned the camera so that it was facing the ceiling instead of her face.

  ‘Do you realise how late it is?’ she answered the call with.

  ‘I know, I’m sorry. I just felt like we left things strained today and I wanted to talk to you.’ He frowned. ‘Why can I only see your ceiling?’

  Ellie giggled. ‘Because, it is 11.30 at night and I currently have no make-up on, bed hair and the most unflattering pyjamas because I have to borrow Zoe’s and she doesn’t have the same taste in nightwear as I do.’

  ‘Oh give over! Just turn the camera round. I’m not going to lie here and talk to your ceiling.’

  Ellie groaned, ‘Fine, but one comment about the state of my face and I’m switching you back round, understood?’

  ‘Loud and clear,’ he replied and she could see a smile sneak across his lips.

  She turned the camera around, but not before doing a quick flick with her hair so that she didn’t look completely hideous. ‘There, happy now?’ She looked at him as he nodded and smiled fully.

  ‘That’s better.’ There was a pause. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Bit shit, to be honest.’ Well, there was no point in lying. ‘You?’

  ‘Pretty much the same,’ he replied. ‘This is so huge, Els.’

  ‘I know, Chris. I’m sorry to spring this on you; I know this isn’t what either of us wanted.’

  ‘Why are you apologising? We both decided to go through with…’ he seemed to hesitate, unable to decide on what word to use and then settled on ‘it’.

  Ellie laughed. ‘You sound like a kid who doesn’t want to say the ‘S’ word.’

  Now he laughed and as he did, he lifted his arm up and rested it on his forehead. He was lying in bed without a shirt on and just a pair of bottoms – although from the angle, she couldn’t see if it was shorts or trousers, just that it had a waistband. She tried not to react to the fact that he was topless; it wasn’t as though she hadn’t seen it all before. But this time it all just seemed so different. Everything had changed; nothing felt normal any more.

  ‘I just want you to know that I am here and I am not going to let you do this alone. We just need to come up with a plan, a strategy, and we can make this work.’

  ‘Make it work?’ she questioned. Was he telling her he wanted to be more than friends? Maybe this was the start of a proper relationship. Ellie wasn’t even sure if that was what she wanted. She felt as if her mind wasn’t her own any more – she didn’t know what she wanted. It was all just so confusing.

  ‘Yeah, we can sort out maintenance, and share custody – whatever you want. I will be here for you. And… well… the baby.’

  She felt a little disappointment settle as she realised he meant making things work logically, not romantically. ‘I just feel so confused.’

  ‘About what?’ He shuffled on the bed and unknowingly revealed a little more body. Ellie could see the waistband of his bottoms shift slightly lower and
she found she couldn’t take her eyes off it. When she realised what she was doing she snapped her vision away, looking at the alarm clock on the side table, her cheeks flushing.

  ‘Just about everything. It’s all so complicated. I don’t want to fuck up your life – or mine. I just need to get my head around it and work out what to do.’

  ‘That’s understandable, Els. It’s a massive change. My head has been all over the place this evening. I feel like I might be hormonal!’ He laughed.

  Ellie cracked a smile this time and they spent a good minute just smiling at each other. She looked at him on the screen and felt as though she could see right into his soul. He made her feel as if they were the only two people on this earth and all she wanted to do was be there on the bed with him, snuggled into his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin against her. It felt so good on that fateful night when all this happened. He had this way of making her feel as if she was the only person in his world who mattered.

  ‘Chris…’ she began, but then paused. What was she expecting to happen now? For her to declare her love to him and him to pull her into his arms and declare it back? It was a stupid idea. They were too far into the friend zone to become anything more – it would be weird.

  ‘Els, we can do this. Okay? You are my best mate and I know we can bring this child up to be loved and feel special – we don’t have to be together for that to happen.’

  Well, that was it, decision made. ‘I guess so.’

  ‘So we are doing it?’ he asked.

  ‘We are doing it,’ she repeated.

  He smiled the biggest grin she had seen from him in a long time. ‘Awesome. Well, get some sleep and rest up. And I’ll call you soon.’

  ‘Okay,’ she squeaked, trying not to let the emotion show. ‘Night, Chris.’

  ‘Night, Els.’

  She ended the call and wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. That was it, then. They were raising this baby together – as friends.