The First Time Mums' Club

by Lucie Wheeler

  Pippa sat down on the stool next to her and took her hand. ‘But it isn’t your responsibility to make that decision for her. As hard as it might be, it’s her baby.’ Pippa watched as the tears began to fill her friend’s eyes. She rubbed her thumb over Zoe’s hand in comfort, feeling the burden of sadness descend upon her.

  ‘She just feels scared and trapped. She’s putting on a brave face, but her mood swings are horrendous. I can see she is really struggling with it and I want to help her. If I can just make her see that she isn’t alone, then maybe –’

  ‘You can’t tell her what to do; she needs to make her own mistakes.’

  ‘I know that, but …’ She trailed off.

  They sat in silence for a few minutes before Pippa finally said the one thing that they were both thinking. ‘Zoe, you can’t keep blaming yourself for the abortion. You did what you had to do. You didn’t have a choice. The only person who blames you for that is you. You can’t save everyone else to make up for it.’ Zoe flinched at the mention of the abortion and Pippa felt awful for bringing it up. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘I just don’t want her to feel sad – this should be an exciting, magical time for her. For both of them.’

  ‘As much as you don’t want to hear this, Ellie is an adult and I don’t think it will go down well if you tell her and Chris what to do. You have to let her deal with this, otherwise she will not only hate you but her relationship with Chris will definitely be over’

  Zoe nodded and wiped the tears from her eyes. ‘You’re right. I’ll tell him I can’t make it.’

  ‘I think it’s for the best. I thought they had sorted things out anyway – weren’t they doing it together, but as friends?’

  ‘Yeah, but I just don’t think it is what either of them want.’ Zoe looked at her and Pippa pulled a face. ‘Okay, fine. I will back off.’

  ‘Good. Now, would you like some cake, seeing as you’ve already helped yourself to my cupcake batch?’

  ‘I thought you’d never ask.’

  The front door slammed as Jason stormed in, walking past the kitchen and straight into the living room. Pippa’s heart began to race as the panic seared through her at lightning speed. Jason didn’t know Zoe was here and she didn’t want him to come in, all guns blazing, ready for a row. ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ Pippa smiled, as she left Zoe in the kitchen and closed the door behind her. She tucked her head round the living-room door and could see Jason rummaging through the post. ‘Everything okay?’

  He spun round in alarm. ‘Pip! What you doing here? I thought you were out.’

  ‘No,’ she said, her tone charged with suspicion. ‘Why?’

  ‘I didn’t see the van outside, so thought you were out delivering.’ He continued to rummage.

  ‘What are you looking for?’ she questioned, very aware that Zoe was just a few feet away.

  ‘Nothing!’ His sharp response surprised her.

  ‘If you tell me what it is, I can help you.’ She tried to keep her voice light and airy so that Zoe wouldn’t hear.

  ‘For crying out loud, Pip, I said leave it! I don’t need your help.’

  Anger bubbled inside her. She took a breath and said, through clenched teeth, ‘There’s no need to shout at me. I am just trying to help.’

  He spun round and glared at her, mimicking her clenched teeth, he said, ‘I don’t need your help.’

  ‘What is wrong with you?’ She spat the words at him, but then straightened up as she heard the kitchen door open. Zoe walked out and entered the living room, first smiling at Pippa and then looking at Jason.

  ‘All right Jason?’

  He didn’t respond and Pippa felt a little piece of her die inside. She glanced at Zoe nervously and laughed it off. ‘Deaf as a doorpost when he’s concentrating.’ Another nervous laugh. She daren’t look directly at her because she knew she wasn’t buying it.

  ‘All right Jason!’ Zoe called, a little louder this time and Pippa cringed as Jason ignored her yet again. She looked at her friend this time and pleaded with her eyes not to push this. Zoe clearly read the signal because she didn’t say anything else. Jason stood up, having located a letter he was looking for and walked out of the room, past them both, without a word. Pippa’s face blazed as the embarrassment filtered through.

  ‘I won’t be home for dinner,’ Jason called as he left, slamming the door behind him.

  There was an awkward silence for what felt like forever. Pippa clapped her hands together for something to do and simply said, ‘I’d better check on the cupcakes.’ And she left the room as quickly as she could. But Zoe didn’t want to play ball. She followed Pippa into the kitchen and stood in the doorway with her arms crossed. Pippa tried to avoid her gaze and busied herself with the cakes, moving them from one board to another to look as if she was doing something. But she couldn’t do this forever and eventually turned around and faced Zoe with her eyebrow raised.

  ‘You finished?’ she asked, using an expression that pretty much said don’t even try to bullshit me. Pippa nodded. ‘Okay, now make another cuppa; I think we need to talk, don’t you?’

  *****

  ‘Penny for your thoughts?’

  Ellie jumped and clasped her hand to her chest, feeling her heartbeat pulsating. She turned to face the voice. The one voice she could always rely on. The one voice that once used to make her laugh with simply one word, but now made her confused and a little sad. Turning to Chris, she forced a smile, trying to hide the fear that was bubbling up in her stomach. ‘What are you doing here?’ she managed to squeak out.

  Chris plonked himself down next to her on the grassy verge and plastered on a silly smile that he always did for her. She likened it to a mix of goofiness and pure cheese. She secretly loved it, but recoiled in her usual fashion and scrunched her face up. ‘My God, how do you ever get dates with that face?’

  ‘Because, my dear, they can’t resist my wonderful charm. I mean, who could, to be fair?’ He held out his arms wide and winked at her. Whilst this would, under normal circumstances, make her cringe, this time, because of all that was going on, she couldn’t help but smile fondly at him. She instantly shook the thought out of her mind and pulled herself back into the reality of the moment. Here she was, sitting on the side of a hill in Shropshire, 200 odd miles from her home, pregnant and a big question mark over whether she had a job to go home to. The wind was biting at her cheeks, stinging. She pulled her sister’s jacket closer, tucking her chin inside, leaving just her nose and eyes free.

  ‘Are you still with us or should I have a nap?’ Chris was looking at her with his goofy smile, but Ellie could see the genuine compassion behind his eyes, which had a hint of confusion wrapped up in it too.

  ‘I’m sorry, I was miles away.’ She looked at the ground and then towards the horizon in front of her. Basically she looked anywhere she could that wasn’t directly at Chris.

  ‘So I can see.’ He shuffled a little closer to her, zipping his coat up.

  ‘So how was your date?’ Ellie asked, trying to sound as cool as she could.

  ‘Yeah it went well. She wants to see me again next week, so I can’t have been that horrendous to look at.’

  ‘Either that or she has problems with her eyesight. You didn’t wear that horrendous pink shirt, did you?’

  Chris laughed and recoiled in mock surprise. ‘You mean to tell me you don’t like my date shirt? It has worked on plenty of women, let me tell you that.’

  ‘Oh, of course. Because you are currently in a long-term relationship. I keep forgetting that.’

  Chris playfully pushed her sideways and she dropped to the ground as laughter erupted from her mouth. ‘Hey!’ she giggled.

  ‘Look, maybe the shirt worked wonders but I just haven’t found the woman for me yet. Nothing wrong with looking for someone who isn’t a psycho, or married… or –’

  ‘A blonde?’

  Chris looked at her. ‘What? I don’t always go for the same type of woman?’

  �
�Yes you do! I have never seen you date, or fancy, someone who isn’t brunette.’ A twinge of jealousy shot through her as they spoke about Chris’s dating scene.

  ‘That’s utter rubbish. I have dated a blonde before…’ he trailed off as he looked into the distance, clearly trying to think of such a time.

  ‘Forget it, Chris, you’re never going to win this fight. I know for a fact that you have only ever dated brunettes.’ She knew that because there had been more than one occasion when she wanted to dye her hair just to get Chris to notice her. To stop seeing her as a friend and see her as a potential date. But he never did. He didn’t see her in that way and it took her years to work out that this wasn’t just because she was blonde. They were too firmly into the friend-zone.

  He laughed but Ellie’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. Just hearing him talk about his dates made her feel sick. She sat in silence as she looked out over the fields. The view of the countryside from this position was beautiful.

  After a minute, Chris asked, ‘You want to tell me what’s really going on in that head of yours?’

  She sat in silence for another minute or two, not knowing what to say to him, which in itself was a new feeling for her. He was a complete gentleman and gave her that time to compose her thoughts, not once interrupting or asking her to hurry up. She could see him out of the corner of her eye, picking at the grass and throwing it away when the piece he was playing with was too small.

  Finally she took a deep breath and said, ‘Why are you here, Chris?’

  ‘Why do you think?’ He looked at her as he spoke. She knew this because she could see out of the corner of her eye, not because she was looking at him. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him directly. She was worried that if she did, he would see straight through her and look into her eyes, through into her soul and be able to tell all the feelings she was harbouring inside. Instead she simply shrugged, behaving like a stroppy toddler who had been told they couldn’t watch any more TV.

  ‘I’m here because I am worried about you, Ellie. Your sister texted me and asked me to come down because she was worried about you and she wanted to talk to me. But then I drive past here, see your car pulled up and see you sitting on a hill, in the middle of a field. ‘ He gave her a look. ‘You got to admit Els, it’s a little weird.’

  Anger bubbled up inside her as she realised what Zoe was up to, meddling in her business. But then the reality hit her and she understood. Zoe wanted the best for her, she always did. But what was the best thing in this situation? She was so confused. Chris leaned forward to get her attention again. She pushed her anger towards her sister aside and gave in to the fact that he wasn’t going to accept any bullshit stories. Instead she tried to play it down. ‘There’s nothing to be worried about. I’m fine.’ She tried to laugh it off, but even she could tell that she was lying, so there was no way this was going to get past Chris.

  ‘Hmm, a likely story. Ellie, you seem to forget that I am normally your partner in crime for things, so I know all your secret tricks of the trade. I can tell when you’re lying, or bending the truth or, more importantly, when you’re not okay.’

  She shrugged.

  ‘Look, I know I acted a bit weird when you told me, but you have to understand that this was a huge surprise for me – it was the last thing I thought you would be saying to me over lunch. I never expected to be sitting down with you discussing the fact that you were pregnant with my child. It scared the shit out of me, if I’m honest.’

  ‘I never asked you for anything.’

  ‘I know that! But what did you expect would happen? That I would say ‘oh sorry, Ellie, shit happens, better luck next time’ and just leave you to it?’

  ‘Well, no, but… I just don’t want you thinking that now you have this tie to me that you have to be involved in.’

  ‘Look, this situation is a bit crap, we both know that. Neither of us went into that evening wanting to have children,. Having kids never even crossed my mind at this moment in my life – and I know it didn’t yours either. But the truth of the matter is this is actually happening and we can’t just brush it under the carpet. I need to sort stuff out with work, There will be money to pay you and a complete lifestyle change. But, well, that’s what we will have to do.’ He didn’t look sincere as he said it; more scared than anything. ‘I know I didn’t react the best way and this isn’t how either of us planned to settle down and start a family, but it will be fine – we will be fine. You just have to stop pushing me away.’

  Ellie shuffled on her bum, feeling claustrophobic with the intensity of the conversation. She needed to steer away from all this. ‘Does this mean that you are going to wait on me hand and foot… you still owe me from having me over after that party in September!’

  Chris burst into laughter at the memory. ‘I had you going for days.’

  ‘You’re such an idiot. One bump to the head and you played me like a… a… oh I don’t even know what the saying is, but you definitely had me going.’

  ‘And it went on for days, do you remember? I had you making tea and cooking dinner for almost a week before you cottoned on that I was having a laugh.’

  ‘Yes, I do remember. So you still owe me a week of being my slave.’ She picked up a daisy from the grass and began to thread it through another.

  ‘Is that right? And what would you have me doing as your slave? Feeding you grapes, fanning you with some big leaves…’

  ‘That would be just the beginning.’

  ‘Oh really?’ He lay down on the grass, extending his arms above his head to support his neck. ‘So come on, humour me, what would your day entail if I was your slave.’

  ‘Isn’t it conversations like this that got us into this mess in the first place?’ Ellie giggled as she remembered back to that night. She took a few minutes to think as she continued with her daisy chain, threading each delicate stalk into another and then smoothing them out to see her creation as she worked. ‘Well, it would definitely entail you bringing me lots of chocolate – because every great day has chocolate in it – and maybe glasses of prosecco on demand.’ She sidestepped the fact that she couldn’t actually drink at the moment. ‘And you would give me back massages as I watched reruns of Friends on the TV.’

  ‘Would I be allowed to watch them with you or are you going to be strict and whip my arse if I stopped massaging you.’

  ‘Oh, you would definitely get whipped.’ She gave a little smile to herself as she said the words and Chris burst into loud laughter and pulled his hands up to his face to cover his shaking head. ‘Man, Ell’s, you really know how to talk to a guy.’

  She smirked to herself, feeling pleased that she was still the owner of her sharp, witty humour. She was also smiling to herself because this conversation was proof itself that she and Chris could get past this. They could be their normal selves. Go back to being just… well… Chris and Ellie.

  ‘How long are you planning to stay at your sister’s – you’ve been here like two weeks already!’

  ‘I don’t know. I quite like it up here, away from everything.’

  ‘Away from me?’ This time it was Chris, who couldn’t give any eye contact.

  ‘No, Chris, not away from you. I just… I don’t know, I guess I’m just looking at my life and wondering what I have to show for it.’

  ‘You have lots to show. You made a fantastic career for yourself, you’re self-sufficient, and you are an amazing friend, beautiful…’ he trailed off as Ellie shook her head. ‘What?’

  ‘It’s not enough, Chris. I’m thirty years old with no relationship, still renting a dingy one-bed place…’

  He clearly saw the look on her face because he then added, ‘The Ellie I know wouldn’t care about those things.’

  The Ellie he knew also wouldn’t be falling for him. She shrugged. ‘I just don’t know what my purpose in life is and I’m feeling rubbish about it all. Maybe it’s about time I grew up.’

  ‘Ellie, it’s not as simple as that, and you
know it.’

  They sat in silence for a minute and then she said, ‘I think I’m going to stay up here for Christmas and then start the New Year fresh. Sort my life out, you know?’

  ‘I don’t understand what you need to sort out, but okay. Just don’t ignore me. Just because you are up here, doesn’t mean we can’t still be in touch. I know you’re obviously having a bit of a mid-life crisis,’ he smirked at her, ‘but just know that I will always be here, okay? It’s my baby too. Sooner or later we will have to talk about this. It’s not going to go away.’

  She nodded and fixed her stare to the river below as Chris continued to lie on the grass. She felt as if she was constantly wading against the tide, trying to get her head above the water but drowning under the tsunami of life and its constant traumas. She would get Christmas out of the way and next year things would be different. She wasn’t sure how yet, but they would. They had to be. She looked at Chris, lying on the ground with his eyes closed. He looked so peaceful, as if life never fazed him, but all she could think about was how much she wanted to kiss him. And that feeling was so alien to her, she squashed it deep down inside her and covered it with a blanket. She needed to pull herself together.

  ‘Chris?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I’m sorry for being weird and for everything else. I just need a break, you know? I promise I’ll sort myself out and you can slap me out of it.’

  He sat up and placed his arm around her shoulders, squeezing her tight and pulling her into his shoulder as he gently kissed the top of her head. ‘Don’t apologise. The fact that you are a little weirdo is the whole reason why I love you so much.’

  Chapter 18