The First Time Mums' Club

by Lucie Wheeler

  The air was tight between them and Ellie could feel a tirade of emotions bubbling in the pit of her stomach. ‘You think it’s been easy for me either? I lost Mum too, you know. I had to struggle too.’

  ‘I know you did, Ellie, and have I ever questioned any of it?’

  ‘Well, no, but…’

  ‘Ellie, maybe you should concentrate on your own life at the moment instead of trying to pick mine apart.’ Zoe glared at her. ‘What has made you so angry today? This group was supposed to be a nice thing for you to do and you’ve been short-tempered all day.’

  Ellie shrugged and threw a ‘nothing’ at Zoe as she picked up her handbag.

  ‘Well, you’re bloody moody for a ‘nothing’.’ Zoe picked up the tea towel off the side and walked back to the café floor.

  Ellie pulled her phone out of her bag and again read the text message she had received from Chris earlier on today.

  Hey you. Just checking in – all okay? I will call you tomorrow as I’m off out with Emily this afternoon so I can’t talk. Wish me luck! Xx

  She practically threw the phone back into her bag and went upstairs. She really regretted telling Chris to go on that date now.

  *****

  ‘How did it go?’ Alice entered the living room and plonked herself down onto the sofa in an exhausted heap.

  ‘Yeah, it was good. Busy day?’

  ‘Ah, tell me about it. I just seemed to have appointment after appointment today. I haven’t stopped.’

  Imogen stood from her position on the sofa and positioned herself in front of where Alice was sitting. She scooped up Alice’s foot in her hands and began to massage it. ‘How’s that?’

  ‘Ah, Im, that’s amazing.’ She closed her eyes and dropped her head back. After a minute she snapped her head back up and whipped her foot away. ‘Wait, you shouldn’t be scrunched up on the floor like that. I should be the one massaging your feet. Here, sit back down.’

  ‘Alice, it’s fine,’ Imogen giggled. ‘What are you like?’

  By now, Alice had already stood up so she slid down and joined Imogen on the floor. Taking her hand into hers and gazing into her eyes, she smiled. ‘How are you feeling today?’

  ‘I’m okay.’ Imogen tried to keep the eye contact as she said the words, not fully believing them herself, so there was no way it would fool Alice. Her suspicion was confirmed when Alice lifted just one eyebrow in disbelief. ‘What?’ She bought herself some more time.

  ‘You don’t look okay. What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing is wrong.’ She shrugged and smiled to add weight to her words.

  ‘Imogen…’

  She exhaled, but kept smiling, to soften the blow a little of what she was about to say. ‘It’s nothing, honest. I just had a bit of a text war with Mum.’

  Alice shuffled on the floor to get more comfortable. ‘What do you mean?’

  Imogen inhaled deeply before saying, ‘I know you said to just leave her, but I texted her the other day and she’s been sending stroppy messages to me. So I’ve told her I don’t want to hear from her any more,’ she trailed off, feeling ashamed. ‘Sorry, I know you said to leave it and I didn’t.’

  ‘Why are you sorry? You don’t ever have to apologise to me.’ She lightly stroked the top of Imogen’s hand. ‘It isn’t easy when you don’t have parents around. I understand that. When you’ve not had the support from your family, your loved ones, it will haunt you forever. And in situations like that, you will desperately want to try to salvage some sort of relationship, especially now we have this little one on the way.’ She stroked her hand across Imogen’s stomach. ‘But your mum is never going to accept us. So maybe this time it would be best to just break the connection for good?’

  ‘I know,’ she felt as if she had betrayed Alice. ‘It’s just hard.’

  Alice moved forward and pulled Imogen into her arms, squeezing her tight in an embrace that was full of love and safety. ‘I know it is hard. But this is you, Imogen. You shouldn’t have to hide away from being who you are. We aren’t a freak show. We aren’t murderers. We aren’t even flaunting it in people’s faces. We are just two people who love each other and no one should make you feel like you can’t be honest. They are the ones who have the problem, not us.’

  Alice made it sound so easy. She oozed confidence and pride and always had done from the moment they first met. ‘I wish I could be more like you,’ Imogen snuggled into the embrace more, wrapping her arms around Alice and melting into her body as if they were just one person.

  ‘I don’t,’ Alice replied, and pulled Imogen’s face up slightly to look at hers. ‘Because I love you for who you are. You are caring, kind, gentle, loving… you always put other people before you and you are the most beautiful person I know – inside and out. I wouldn’t change you for the world.’

  Imogen closed her eyes as Alice’s lips brushed against hers. Soft and smooth, her lips gently caressed Imogen’s, playfully prising them apart with her tongue. Imogen relaxed into Alice’s arms, letting her control which way she went. Sliding over so that their bodies were fully entwined with one another, moving in sync perfectly. Alice’s gentle kisses on the lips soon moved across towards her neck. Imogen arched her head back to fully expose the sensitive skin underneath her jaw – Alice knew this was her favourite place to be kissed and wasted no time in showing Imogen exactly how much she loved her, tracing her tongue over Imogen’s skin, sending shivers down her spine.

  ‘You don’t ever need to change who you are, okay?’ Alice whispered into Imogen’s ear. She could feel her hot breath over her ear and it did amazing things to her insides. She felt super- sensitive to every touch right now. She nodded, letting the smile spread over her face.

  ‘Come on…’ Alice stood and took Imogen’s hand.

  ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘I want you to dance with me.’ Alice turned the music up on the TV and Imogen instantly recognised the song.

  ‘Our wedding song?’ She smiled.

  Alice pulled her close, resting her forehead onto Imogen’s and gently beginning to sway. ‘It’s a sign. Any song could come on the TV at any time, but now, as you’re feeling stressed, this one just happened to start playing. What does that tell you?’

  ‘That it is a huge coincidence,’ she replied, moving her hips alongside Alice’s, feeling as if they were one body.

  ‘No, baby, it means that no matter what, you will always have me. I will be by your side every single day and we will get through anything anyone has to throw at us because we love each other so much.’ She brushed her lips across Imogen’s and Imogen felt her knees weaken slightly. Alice placed her arms completely around her body, encapsulating her. Their bodies glided for a moment, sliding over the music, as if they were floating on air. Imogen could feel only Alice, holding her close and making every ounce of worry melt away. The melodic notes swirling around her head as she let Alice guide her steps back and forth, resting her head on her shoulder.

  ‘Come on,’ Alice said, taking her hand, ‘I want to show you just how much I love you.’ She gave her a cheeky smile and walked her upstairs.

  Chapter 16

  ‘Okay, are you ready?’

  Imogen looked at Alice for reassurance as the sonographer inserted the internal camera for their first scan. This had been the moment they had been looking forward to for ages. And the moment they had been dreading. Because this would tell them if everything was okay with their baby. This moment would tell them if their latest attempt had worked properly; it would change their lives forever. Imogen now began to have second thoughts about going to the mums’ club on Wednesday, thinking maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. What if something was wrong? She should’ve waited. She was anxious. Alice squeezed Imogen’s hand and smiled encouragingly.

  ‘Yes, I’m ready.’ She took a deep breath as the camera was inserted. It felt strange but it didn’t hurt. She had been so worried in the run-up to this appointment, how she would cope with the invasive procedure, but she
found herself relaxing a lot more than she had thought. Because of the type of treatment they had, they were told that their first scan at six weeks would be an internal one, so they were able to prepare a little for it.

  The sonographer started clicking away on the computer as she tried to get a better picture. It felt as if she was quiet for ages and Alice’s cool exterior started to crack and Imogen could tell she was anxious too. But in true Alice-style, when she noticed Imogen looking at her, she smiled reassuringly and put on a brave face. ‘You okay?’ she asked quietly. ‘You’re not in pain, are you?’

  ‘No, I’m fine.’ She returned the smile and looked back at the sonographer. ‘Is everything okay?’ She tried to hide the tremble in her voice, the anticipation becoming too much.

  ‘Yes, I’m just trying to get the measurements at the moment. I won’t be a second and then you can see.’ The sonographer quickly smiled at her and then continued clicking away. After a moment, she removed the camera and stood up. ‘I won’t be a moment; I just want to get my colleague in to check something.’ She quickly left the room.

  Immediately Imogen sat up, staring wide-eyed at Alice, who also looked a little concerned, although she seemed to be trying to hide it. ‘Alice…’ She couldn’t find any other words, her lip trembling.

  ‘It’s okay. I’m sure it is perfectly normal practice to double-check things. Especially people who have conceived through something like IVF. They are just being thorough. I’m sure it is nothing to worry about.’ She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

  ‘Alice, what if… something’s wrong with it?’ She could barely bring herself to say the words. This was the furthest they had ever got in the process. It had cost them an absolute fortune to attempt it for the third time and this was their last chance. They couldn’t afford it a fourth time and plus, Imogen wasn’t sure she had the courage and stability to go through the emotional roller-coaster that was IVF again. So this really was it. And now, it looked like this may not even be it.

  ‘Nothing will be wrong, they are just being thorough, and that’s all. Everything will be okay, I promise.’

  ‘How can you promise?’ Imogen lay back down on the bed and lifted both arms up to her face, resting her forearms over her eyes to stop the tears. ‘You can’t make promises like that. You don’t know!’

  ‘Ims, come on. You need to be strong. Don’t go getting yourself worked up over something that hasn’t even happened yet.’ Alice pulled her arms away from her face and kissed the hand she was holding. ‘It’ll be okay.’

  The door opened and the sonographer returned with another woman. ‘Sorry to have kept you waiting,’ the second woman said and she sat herself down, the first sonographer standing behind her, watching over her shoulder as she worked. ‘I’m just going to pop this in again, Imogen, okay?’ She had such a reassuring face and Imogen found herself nodding and opening her legs again.

  ‘Okay, let’s have a look, then.’ She began clicking away and Imogen felt slightly reassured by this woman’s tone of voice. It was smooth and light and, she thought to herself, surely this isn’t a voice that could give her bad news. But then she doubted herself and thought maybe a soft, friendly voice like that was perfect for giving bad news. Maybe that’s why she called her in, to break it to them gently. She felt her heartrate increase as the words swarmed in her mind.

  ‘Is there a problem?’

  Imogen heard Alice’s voice over her panicked thoughts and was glad she asked the question.

  ‘Oh no, not at all.’ She turned the screen to face them. ‘If you have a look on here, you can see the amniotic sac and there,’ she pointed to a spot on the screen, ‘There is a baby.’

  ‘Oh!’ Imogen said as she exhaled in relief. ‘There’s the baby, Alice.’

  ‘I see it!’ She squeezed Imogen’s hand.

  ‘And here,’ the sonographer moved the curser and clicked, ‘is the other baby.’

  Imogen pulled her eyebrows together. ‘What did you say?’

  The woman smiled. ‘There’s your other baby… it’s twins.’

  Imogen turned her head to Alice, who was sitting, open-mouthed, staring at the screen. ‘Two?’ Imogen asked. ‘Twins?’

  ‘Uh-huh, congratulations.’

  ‘Oh my God.’ It came out like a whisper and she felt Alice’s grip squeeze as she lifted her hand and kissed it. ‘Alice… twins!’

  ‘I know!’

  ‘And the heartbeat for twin one…’ Imogen held her breath as she listened. At first there was nothing, but then she heard it. The low hum of the heartbeat.

  ‘Oh my God.’ Tears were welling up and she had to blink to clear her vision so she could look at the screen, watching the flutter as the heart beat.

  ‘And twin two…’ the sonographer searched and clicked a few times, but nothing happened. She tried again. Nothing. She creased her brow as she clicked a few different things and Imogen looked at Alice, who was clearly panicking too. She couldn’t hide it this time. Imogen felt her own heartbeat increase as she began to drop from her elation. ‘Imogen, could you just turn slightly onto your left side, only very slightly.’ She did as she was asked, terror tearing through her body. ‘That’s perfect, and hold it there.’ Imogen stayed, propped on her side, not daring to move. Alice took her hand again and stroked it, miming to her that everything was going to be okay. But Imogen didn’t believe her. She knew it was too good to be true falling with one, let alone two. The chances were slim to have one baby successfully, having two, well, that was just asking for too much. She should be thankful that one of them had a heartbeat. A lot of people didn’t even get that choice, and previously she had been one of those. So she should be grateful.

  ‘Alice?’ she whispered, as a stray tear slide down her nose and onto the bed.

  ‘It’s okay. Stay strong. I’m here.’ She bent down and kissed her on the forehead, which, nice as it was, seemed to open a floodgate and another tear slid down.

  And then there it was. Unmistakeable and strong.

  ‘And there’s twin two.’

  ‘Really?’ Imogen lifted her head and turned to the screen.

  ‘Really.’ The sonographer smiled. ‘Both babies are healthy and so we can refer you to the NHS and your pregnancy will be under the usual midwifery team.’

  ‘Alice!’ Imogen said as she burst into tears.

  ‘I know, baby, I know.’ Alice bent down and enveloped Imogen in a hug. ‘We’re going to be mummies!’

  Chapter 17

  Pippa finished drizzling the lemon icing onto the cake and then placed it on the rack to set. Over the last few days things had become increasingly strained at home and every day she seemed to be arguing with Jason. This was not the marriage she had longed for. Pippa was distracted from her thoughts when the front-door bell rang. Wiping her hands on her apron, she quickly ran to the door.

  ‘Zoe, what are you doing here? Was something wrong with my delivery?’

  ‘What, no, don’t be silly. There’s never anything wrong with your orders – you are the queen of organisation.’ Zoe wiped her feet as she entered the hallway.

  ‘Is everything okay, then?’ Pippa eyed her suspiciously and then remembered the buns in the oven. ‘Oh crap, I’ve got a bun in the oven!’ She ran back to the kitchen, sliding on the floor as she rounded the corner.

  ‘I hope that’s not how you broke the news to Jason!’ Zoe called back, entering the kitchen as she laughed at her own joke.

  ‘I reckon that was more what Jason thought when I did tell him.’ She raised her eyebrows.

  ‘What? You’re joking, right?’ Pippa shook her head. ‘Ah, Pip…’

  ‘It’s okay,’ she interrupted before Zoe could voice her pity, ‘He’ll come around to the idea. I didn’t choose the best time to tell him, that’s all.’ She loosened the bun from the tin and flipped it out onto the cooling rack. ‘And anyway, what was I expecting? Him to be jumping around like a girl, screeching and whooping? He’s a man. He doesn’t show excitement in the sa
me way as we do, hey?’ She didn’t wait for an answer as she saw the raised-eyebrow look on Zoe’s face. Desperate to shift the focus away from her flailing marriage, she said, ‘Anyway, enough jibber jabber about me, what brings you round here? Something wrong?’

  Zoe immediately looked uncomfortable and began shuffling in her seat. ‘Okay, well, I have kind of done something stupid. Well, not exactly done something stupid. I am about to do something stupid.’ She paused. ‘Not really stupid, exactly, just… well…’

  ‘Zoe?’ Pippa held up her hand to stop the rambling. ‘What is going on exactly?’

  Zoe dropped her hands in defeat. ‘I’ve asked Chris to meet me… I’m going to try and get them together.’ She immediately pulled a face, which clearly showed that she knew she was wading into dangerous territory.

  ‘Zoe!’

  ‘I know, I know, it’s not my place to meddle. But Pip, Ellie is not doing it and I think the only person who will convince her that everything will be all right is him.’

  ‘Zoe, it’s a really bad idea.’ She didn’t know Ellie that well, but from what she did know, she knew this wasn’t one of Zoe’s better ideas.

  ‘Come on, look at the bigger picture. He will come and talk sense into her. I know he will be happy about it. This could be their chance to finally become one.’ She opened her arms as if she had just solved the biggest mystery in one fell swoop. ‘Easy, right?’

  Pippa shook her head. ‘It’s not going to work, Zoe. You’re messing with fate. If they are meant to be, then things will work out. Ellie will do it in her own time and things will be what they’re meant to be.’

  Exhaling hard, Zoe slumped onto a stool by the breakfast bar, picking up one of the cupcakes that were cooling on the side. Pippa tried hard to conceal her unease. Watching Zoe eating one of those meant the amount would be eleven, not twelve, cupcakes. She didn’t bake in uneven numbers. She shook her head slightly, as if it would make the uncomfortable thought exit her brain. Needless to say, this didn’t work. Zoe huffed as she finished off the cupcake. ‘Pip, if I don’t do something, I think Ellie might go off the rails again and I can’t watch her go through that again.’