The First Time Mums' Club

by Lucie Wheeler

  ‘What’s up?’ Zoe asked Pippa, who was looking a little concerned.

  ‘I was just saying to Imogen that I feel a bit deflated at the moment.’

  ‘Is this to do with him at home?’ Zoe rolled her eyes and Imogen immediately pressed for more info.

  ‘What’s happened? What have I missed?’

  ‘You know when all that happened a couple of weeks ago with Patrick not being at work and stuff?’

  Imogen nodded, wondering where this was going.

  ‘Well, when he got home that night we spoke about it and Jason admitted that he was struggling to deal with the whole baby thing.’

  Imogen gasped. ‘Now he tells you this?’

  ‘I know. We spoke about it on and off over that following week and he has reassured me that it was just a case of cold feet and that it is normal, blah blah blah…’

  ‘You don’t sound convinced, Pip,’ Imogen laughed.

  Pippa shrugged. ‘I guess I am. I just worry what he will be like when the baby is actually here. I can’t be looking after a baby and dealing with him being flaky and wondering whether it is what he wants.’

  ‘So what do you plan to do?’ Ellie said as she bobbed around in the water.

  ‘I don’t know yet. I’m not thinking about it – I’m just going to enjoy these last few months of pregnancy and deal with it as and when the problem arises.’

  ‘Sounds like a plan to me.’ Imogen said as she lay back into the water, feeling the liquid lift her up and steady her floating body. ‘I could stay here forever.’

  *****

  At dinner that evening, the girls ordered a feast. There were plates of tapas and crudités, a huge bowl of salad and some side accompaniments to flesh it all out a bit. Being a table of pregnant women, and Zoe, they took it upon themselves to order whatever they wanted and purely indulge. Although it just turned into a case of eyes bigger than their bellies – which was a hard thing to do!

  ‘I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to fit any more of this food into my stomach. I blame the babies taking up all the space.’ Imogen put down her knife and fork and leant back in her chair. ‘I’m out!’ she declared.

  ‘I think I’ll have to join you on that one, my friend.’ Pippa placed hers down too.

  Imogen glanced over at Zoe, who was still eating. ‘How? Just how are you still eating?’

  ‘It’s clearly a baby thing – she has more space in her tummy than we all do!’

  Imogen and Pippa both laughed at Ellie’s remark as Zoe picked up her glass of wine. ‘Yes, true, and I get to do this.’ She took a sip.

  The other girls both kicked up a protest of how it was unfair, but Imogen turned her nose up. ‘Honestly, I couldn’t drink it even if I wanted to. Just the smell of it makes me feel sick.’

  ‘Oh sorry, I didn’t realise.’

  ‘No, it’s fine. I can’t smell yours. I just meant if I sipped it I would smell it. I can’t stomach any alcoholic smell.’ She said, her face contorted with disgust.

  ‘Well, it’s a good job you can’t drink any, then! I, on the other hand, could do with a few shots right about now.’

  ‘Ellie!’

  ‘What? I’m not allowed to say it? It’s not like I’m actually sinking shots of Sambuca, is it!’ She looked at Imogen and winked. ‘Although I do love a Sambuca shot.’

  ‘Were you a big drinker before you fell pregnant?’ Imogen laughed and picked up her fork to spear one last olive into her mouth, then instantly regretted it. ‘Urgh, why did I do that? I should’ve just stopped,’ She dropped the fork back down, indicating for the conversation to continue with her hand whilst the other hand pressed on her ever-growing belly.

  Ellie pushed her bottom lip out as she nodded. ‘Yeah, I didn’t mind a drink or two.’

  ‘Or five,’ Zoe said under her breath and Ellie shot her a look.

  ‘I enjoyed a night out, what’s wrong with that?’ Ellie seemed to throw up her defence, so Imogen calmed the situation before it got worse.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with that. I suppose with your job there were lots of glam nights out?’ She nodded at Ellie to encourage her to agree and move the conversation on.

  ‘Yeah, there were a few. I remember this one night, it was for a client of mine who was having a birthday celebration and she invited me along. I did her make-up and then totally let my hair down. It was a free bar all night and, boy, did I make the most of this free bar. Only I shouldn’t have done because halfway through the night she pulled me aside and asked me to top up her make-up. I thought it was fine, but she wanted more – she liked the full-on look. I was so hammered I could barely see straight, but I had to blag it because she was a regular and I didn’t want to piss her off. It was literally half an hour of looking through one eye so that I didn’t see double!’

  Zoe began laughing. ‘Remember when we were little and you did my make-up for Christmas one year?’ Ellie’s face lit up as she obviously remembered it.

  ‘What happened?’ Imogen pressed, desperate to hear what had them both giggling. She ignored the vibrating in her robe pocket, knowing full well that it was probably a message she didn’t want to read.

  ‘I showed her into the living room, on Christmas Day …’

  ‘With all the family there!’ Zoe added.

  ‘Yeah, we literally had everyone there. And I made some big announcement about her coming in so everyone was looking. And in she walked, looking like, what could only be described as a drunken hooker!’ The girls burst into laughter as Imogen and Pippa sat open- mouthed.

  ‘No you didn’t?’ Imogen gasped.

  Ellie nodded. ‘Mum asked us to quickly to get it off and it wasn’t until years later, when we were looking at the pictures, that Mum admitted how horrified she was seeing her little Zoe looking like that. It was hilarious.’

  ‘Oh and remember that time that I let you do my make-up for the prom?’

  ‘Oh no, Dad wouldn’t let you out the house!’

  ‘So do you specialise in make-up for call girls?’ The table erupted in laughter. Imogen smiled. It was so nice to be able to see everyone so happy and relaxed. She really did fit in with these girls. After spending a life trying to hide who she was, it was nice to let go and fully be who she wanted to be. It wasn’t as if she felt this relaxed at home, with all the secrets at the moment.

  ‘Girls, I need to talk to you about something.’ Pippa looked nervous and Imogen instantly felt a twinge of sadness at seeing her friend looking so sad. ‘The other night when Jason and I had an argument…’

  ‘Another one?’ Ellie stated. ‘These are getting really frequent now, aren’t they?’ She pulled a face. ‘Not that I knew what you were like as a couple beforehand, but it seems like you two are always having words at the moment?’

  Pippa nodded. ‘No, you’re right. Things are a bit shit. But I mean when he said about the struggling with having a baby thing…’ Pippa took a deep breath before saying, ‘I have been thinking about it a lot. It’s always on my mind, but lately it has totally consumed my brain…. I don’t think he wants it.’

  Imogen gasped and then apologised. ‘Sorry, that sounded really dramatic.’

  Pippa smiled and it was nice to see her face brighten again, albeit short-lived. ‘I just don’t know what to do. When we got together, all we spoke about was one day having a family. And then we split up because I found out he had been having an affair.’

  Imogen gasped again.

  ‘Jeez, love, it sounds like you’re watching a TV drama.’ Ellie laughed and so did the rest of the table.

  ‘I’m so sorry!’ Imogen quickly said, feeling awful. ‘I didn’t mean to make your life sound like a television programme – I just, I can’t believe it. You poor thing.’

  ‘I’m fine.’ Pippa smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

  ‘You have to stop saying that, love, it might fool everyone else but not us.’ Ellie raised her eyebrows and clearly meant business.

  ‘Can we just take a moment
to appreciate the fact that my baby sister is totally embracing our little friendship circle?’ Zoe smiled cheekily in response to Ellie poking her tongue out. ‘Anyway, back to more important things, Pip?’

  ‘I just… I’m starting to wonder what to do for the best. All these years I have wanted to prove myself and build this perfect little family unit that I’ve dreamed of for so long. But now, it’s all… falling apart.’

  ‘Do you love him?’

  ‘Ellie!’ It was Zoe’s turn to gasp now.

  ‘What? She needs to be honest with herself.’ Ellie looked to Pippa. ‘Is he worth all this stressing over?’

  Imogen was going to put forward her thoughts but decided against it as she watched Pippa’s face betray her real feelings. Pippa eventually said, ‘I can’t just give up. The baby deserves for me to at least try. Surely I owe it that?’

  ‘Honey, it’s not like you haven’t been trying already?’ Imogen added, trying to keep her comments as neutral as possible. She could see the strain on Pippa’s face.

  ‘I know,’ she finally conceded. ‘I just don’t think I could bear it if it all went wrong again. I really want this to work.’

  ‘Because you love him, or because you are scared to be alone?’

  ‘Jeez, Ellie, rein it in a bit will you?’ Zoe said under her breath.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Pippa said, running her finger around her glass and avoiding eye contact.

  ‘Just think about it and make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.’

  ‘Zoe’s right. You know we are here for you, right?’ Pippa nodded at Imogen. ‘So just don’t ever feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. There’s always a way out.’ A bit hypocritical on Imogen’s part seeing as she was harbouring all these secrets herself, but as always, it’s easier to give advice than it is to take it.

  ‘You’re right. I just need to give him time, I think. It’s a big change in our life, so maybe he just needs a little longer to adjust to it, that’s all. He said he wants the baby and, who knows, once it is here, things could be different.’

  ‘And you’re happy to wait and see if that’s the case?’

  Pippa shrugged. ‘For now, I guess.’

  Imogen watched her friend as she poured herself another drink and she felt a wave of sorrow, knowing that she was struggling so much. ‘It’s really good that you’re talking to us, though, Pip, don’t suffer in silence. We are all here in the same boat; we just want you to be happy. Never feel like you can’t talk to us.’

  Zoe put her hand up. ‘Technically I’m not in the same boat as I’m not hiding a watermelon up my shirt, but I’m there in spirit and will always be on hand for support – and babysitting!’

  They all laughed. ‘Thanks, girls,’ Pippa said, a smile spreading across her face. ‘What would I do without you lot?’

  After dinner they went back to the locker room to change into their clothes and get ready to leave. Imogen quickly changed into her outfit so that she had time to check her phone without anyone looking over her shoulder. She was right to be worried because she had another message from her mum.

  Please, I just want to talk? I can’t bear the silent treatment.

  She chose to delete it. She had had enough negativity from her to last a lifetime. It was now just her and Alice. That was all she needed. If she kept telling herself that, maybe she would start to believe it.

  ‘Everything okay?’

  Imogen spun round to face Zoe. ‘What? Oh… yeah. It’s fine.’

  Zoe gave her a look. ‘From your mum?’ Imogen nodded. ‘Have you told Alice yet?’

  ‘No, I’ve got it all under control.’ She waved the remark away.

  ‘Well, if you’re sure? I won’t keep on at you, but you know I’m always here, don’t you?’

  ‘I do.’ She gave her a hug. ‘Thank you.’

  They all walked out of the spa together, down the steps into the moonlit car park. Zoe ran off to get the car and bring it round the front so that the others didn’t have to walk too far. As they waited, Imogen stepped forward and sat on the steps, looking out over the grounds. It looked truly mesmerising. The moonlight was glistening over the crisp grass and it smelt fresh, clean and cold. She took a deep breath and then shuddered. She thought about the message her mum had sent. She was really struggling to shake it off. Maybe she should give her one more chance. This latest message was a lot less negative than her previous ones, so maybe she should give her a chance to make things right? If she didn’t, then she would regret it – she knew she would. One more chance and then maybe she could speak to Alice and tell her something positive about her mum for a change.

  She acted on impulse and typed out a message.

  Meet me Monday afternoon at 2 by the lake.

  That was it. She was committed now. She just hoped this time it didn’t backfire – it was her last chance to make it work.

  *****

  As the car pulled away from the spa, Ellie looked around at the other girls in the back, who were engaged in a conversation about birthing plans. Zoe took the moment to quietly say to Ellie, ‘I know I always go on, and I don’t want you to think I’m nagging. I just care about you, that all.’ She swapped between looking at the road and stealing glances to Ellie.

  ‘I know,’ Ellie admitted.

  ‘And I know you’ll make the right decision in the long run.’

  So much for not nagging. That was just an indirect way of nagging. But Ellie didn’t bite on it, she just smiled and looked out of the window. She then she remembered what day it was tomorrow. She took out her phone and typed a short message.

  Happy birthday for tomorrow xx

  Chris’ reply pinged back almost instantly.

  Thank you. I miss you xx

  She closed the message and sighed. She missed him too.

  Chapter 30

  Imogen stood at the side of the lake watching the ripples as a family of ducks swam by. As if it wasn’t nerve-racking enough to be seeing her mum for the first time in ages, she was really suffering with a headache today. She took another deep breath as she closed her eyes. She hated having to lie to Alice this morning, yet again, telling her she was meeting some mums she met at the mums’ club for lunch. But Alice would understand once she knew everything was going to be okay. Imogen just needed to sort things with her mum and then they could all start to build their future. She would talk to her mum today, and her mum clearly wanted to make things right. Everything would work out fine. She might finally get the happy family that she always wanted. Today was going to be the start of a new beginning. No more lies to Alice.

  ‘Imogen?’

  She opened her eyes but didn’t turn around straight away. She hadn’t heard that voice for ages and it created a whole world of emotions just with that one word. After reminding herself to breathe, she slowly turned around, lifting her eyes to look at her mum. She looked… different. She no longer had the long blonde hair that she always wore in the same side plait Imogen remembered from growing up. Her hair was now shorter and really dark. And she was wearing a dress, which wasn’t like her at all. It was long and flowy and just not the sort of thing her mum would usually wear. Imogen wasn’t sure why this mattered to her, but it made her feel a little more uncomfortable. As if she was looking at a stranger.

  ‘Oh my!’ Her mum looked down at Imogen’s bump. ‘I can’t believe it.’

  Imogen stayed quiet. She couldn’t tell if her mum was happy or sad at the sight of her tummy.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Her mum took a tentative step towards her, but immediately stopped when Imogen shuffled backwards.

  ‘I’m okay.’ She managed to squeak out. She brushed her feet along the gravel, watching the stones trickle away from her feet, down towards the pond. Why was this so hard? This was her mum – things shouldn’t feel so unnatural. She felt like a child again.

  ‘Listen, Imogen. I should say sorry.’

  Of all the things she thought they would talk about today, h
er mum apologising wasn’t one of them. She gave the comment the respect it should have by looking at her. She looked sad. She looked tired.

  ‘I hate that we don’t talk any more. I…. I miss you.’

  ‘I know. I miss you too.’ This was the most truthful thing she had said in ages. ‘But, I just can’t have you being so negative about my life all the time, Mum, it’s making me ill.’

  Her mum exhaled. ‘I know, I’m sorry, but it’s just so hard. I want you to be happy.’

  ‘I am happy!’ She couldn’t stop herself from sounding like a spoilt teenager. Short of stamping her feet, she felt practically fifteen again.

  ‘I want you to have a family…’

  ‘I do have a family.’ She rubbed her stomach.

  ‘Not like this.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  The tension was already building between them. Her mum seemed to be trying to find the right words and eventually said, ‘I want you to have a normal family.’

  The words stung. ‘Normal?’ she whispered. ‘Mum, this is normal. I am with the person I love and we are having a baby. Why does it matter that we are the same sex?’

  ‘Because, Imogen, it’s not natural.’ She looked around her, wary of people hearing, Imogen guessed.

  That fact alone made the anger inside her burn. Her heart raced as the fury rose up inside her. ‘Who are you to decide what is fucking normal!’ The words not only took her mum by surprise, but she shocked herself too. She wasn’t normally one to swear, but her mum triggered something inside her, which changed who she was. She didn’t like this person; lies, swearing, feeling stressed… this wasn’t what she wanted from her own family.

  ‘Imogen!’

  ‘No! You can’t play mummy to me just because you don’t like what I do or how I speak. You lost that privilege when you disowned me.’ Her heart was pounding. She thought she wanted this, but now that her mum was standing in front of her, still speaking the way she was, she didn’t want it any more.

  ‘Imogen, that’s not fair.’

  She laughed. ‘No, shall I tell you what’s not fair? It’s not fair that I’ve had to go through my first pregnancy without my mum. It’s unfair that I had to have my wedding day without my mum. It’s unfair that I can’t even talk to my mum without her badmouthing my wife!’ Her mum noticeably flinched when Imogen referred to Alice as her wife. ‘See! You can’t even hear me talk about it.’