Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  “Yes. I have feelings for him, Alex. I’m sorry, but I do. I had feelings for you for years, but everything recently changed, and I’m sorry but I can’t help how I feel.”

  And I just found out that Josh has feelings for me too, so I’m kind of not focused right now.

  He screwed up his face in annoyance. “So you’re saying I’m too late?”

  Yes.

  I shrugged. “I just don’t think you’re the guy I’m supposed to be with. That’s all.”

  He shook his head. “That’s bullshit.”

  “No, Alex, it’s honesty. I’m sorry.”

  “Whatever,” was all he said, as he walked away from me and out of the bar.

  I stood there for a few minutes wondering if I should go after him. But I knew it wouldn’t do any good. I needed to make sure Josh was okay.

  I spun around to head to his office and smacked right into him.

  “Everything okay?” he asked, and he was surprisingly calm and collected.

  “I’m fine. Are you okay?”

  “Sure,” he said, as if his girlfriend hadn’t just been cheating on him and his best friend hadn’t been a part of it. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look a little pale.”

  I took a deep breath. “Can we go back to the house for a few minutes?”

  I needed to get away from the party for a minute. My head was really starting to spin.

  “Sure,” he said, and we walked silently from the bar.

  We entered the house, went upstairs and into Josh’s room where I sat down heavily on the end of his bed. When he didn’t join me, I patted the space next to me. “You can come sit.”

  “I’m okay,” he said, as he leaned against his dresser and appraised me, almost as if he was afraid to come too close.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  He nodded. “I’m fine.”

  I took a deep breath. “So I heard you were going to break up with Kimmy.”

  He nodded. “I was, but I think she took care of that for me.”

  “Self-preservation, I guess.”

  He didn’t need to know her intention had been to hurt me and him with her actions. It wasn’t important.

  “Yeah, something like that. I saw you talking to Cole.”

  I nodded. “He’s really sorry, Josh.”

  Josh just laughed. “I don’t care. I’m done with him.”

  I bit my lip. “Because he likes guys?”

  Josh gave me an annoyed look. “No, not because of that. I’ve known about that since he and Shannon broke up.”

  My eyebrows rose into my hairline. “Is that why they broke up?”

  He shook his head. “No, apparently they were in the habit of inviting guys into bed with them. Shannon liked the idea of two guys and Cole just liked guys, so it worked, but then he came home one day, and she was in bed with one of the guys they’d had a threesome with, and he wasn’t okay with that.”

  Jesus! You think you know your friends.

  “Then are you mad because he hit on you?”

  “Uh, no. I wasn’t aware that he was sharing that with anyone, but he was drunk. He didn’t know what he was saying. I was pissed because the idiot wasn’t returning my phone calls, but then he had the nerve to pull that shit with Kimmy tonight. I’m just done.”

  “Josh, he was about in tears when he was talking to me. He’s not okay. You need to talk to him.”

  “Yeah, well, he shouldn’t have fucked my girlfriend.”

  I ran my hand back through my hair and looked up at him. “He thought you’d broken up. Kimmy told him you guys were over, and you didn’t even like her, so why do you even care?”

  Josh didn’t say anything. He just looked at the wall and shook his head.

  “Josh, he’s really hurting. Please talk to him. Please.”

  He sighed and looked back at me. “I’ll think about it.”

  I noticed he never denied that he hadn’t really liked Kimmy. He just closed his eyes and leaned rigidly against the dresser, the tension in his body apparent.

  “Josh.”

  I rose to my feet and stepped in front of him. I gazed up into his light blue eyes as they opened, getting lost in their depths. I brought my hand up to rest on his cheek. He watched me carefully, barely moving a muscle, but he didn’t say anything.

  “Thank you for my party,” I said softly, feeling the sudden need to break the tension in the air around us. “Up until the amateur porno show, I was having a really good time.”

  Josh laughed, and I took that as a good sign.

  I smiled. “Do you want to hear something really funny?”

  “Sure,” he said, his body visibly relaxing.

  “Alex told me wanted to be with me tonight – like in a committed relationship.”

  Josh’s body went tense again, and I realized my mistake. He didn’t see the humor in what I’d told him, because he thought Alex was who I’d wanted all along.

  “I told him no.”

  “Why?” Josh asked, and I could hear the tiniest hit of hope in his voice, although he was trying to mask it.

  And I realized that was what he’d been doing for weeks because he thought I didn’t have feelings for him, and all along he’d felt something for me.

  I looked up into his deep blue eyes again. “He isn’t who I want anymore. I think I was in love with how fun our relationship was years ago, but it’s not the same now. I just don’t feel the same way about him. I want more from a guy.”

  “What do you want?” Josh asked tentatively, practically holding his breath.

  “Someone who gets me, who knows me, and who doesn’t have a teeny-tiny penis.” Josh’s eyebrows shot up. I smiled. “Yes, he has a small dick, and it wasn’t fun for me. I mean, it made blow jobs easier, but everyth–”

  Josh’s hand moved over my mouth to stop me from talking, and I realized too late that with my nervous energy, I’d been talking about giving another guy head in front of the guy I liked, who liked me. Not cool.

  “I don’t want to hear about you giving Alex a blow job,” Josh said softly, his hand still covering my mouth.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, and he removed his hand. “What do you want to hear?”

  “Do you want to go back to the party?” he asked, dodging my question. “It’s still early.”

  I shook my head. “No, I want to stay here with you.”

  “That’s what I wanted to hear.” He smiled a small smile. “Do you want to sleep over?”

  Hell yeah, I wanted to sleep over.

  I smiled, stood on my tiptoes and gently pressed my lips to his, giving him my answer. Then I pulled back and opened my eyes to look at him. He was staring at me in a bewildered sort of way.

  “I’m not tired,” I said softly.

  “We can watch a movie then,” he suggested. “Birthday girl’s choice.”

  Huh? Did you not realize that I just kissed you?

  Had he really just mean sleep over, as in sleep? Maybe Cole had been wrong, or maybe Josh’s feelings for me had changed in the past few weeks, and Cole just didn’t know it. Maybe I’d made a complete fool out of myself when I’d kissed him.

  “A movie?”

  He nodded. “Sure, go get changed into your pajamas, and meet me back here.”

  Or maybe he just needed to warm up to the idea of us sleeping together. I had tried to seduce him before and then changed my mind. Maybe he needed to know I was serious this time.

  When I returned a few minutes later, I knew if anything would be able to seal the deal, it was what I was wearing. I’d changed into a pair of lacey orange panties that showed off my ass cheeks nicely and a white boyfriend tank that showcased the darkness of my nipples enough that he couldn’t possibly turn me down.

  But Josh didn’t bat an eyelash at my choice of sleeping attire. He just pulled back the covers and patted the space next to him, as I ogled his bare chest and wished my lips were attached to it.

  Well fine, screw him.

  I climbed int
o bed, as Josh handed me the remote. “Why so far away?” he asked, as he appraised the space between us.

  Damn, he was cryptic.

  I scooted over, and he pulled me the rest of the way against him when his arm went around my shoulders. He tucked me tightly against him, kissed the top of my head, and fixed his gaze on the TV. I selected a movie from On-Demand, we settled back and watched it. And then I fell asleep. And nothing happened.

  Complete fail.

  How the hell had I read that so wrong?

  Chapter 14

  When I awoke the next morning, something hard was pressing against the crack of my ass, and Josh’s body was wrapped around me tightly. I smiled at the thought of him having morning wood with me in his bed and fell back to sleep dreaming of all the things I wanted to do to him when he woke up. I was making a move, and that was that.

  When I awoke the second time, I was alone in bed, but I could hear Josh talking on his phone out in the hallway. I wondered with a feeling of dread in my stomach if it was Kimmy. She’d called a few times while we were watching the movie, but he hadn’t answered. He’d just shaken his head and glared at the phone before hitting ‘ignore’. I wondered if he’d caved.

  It wasn’t like he was trying anything with me, so maybe he really did like Kimmy. That sucked, and it would suck even more if he actually took her back after what she did. But if he did take her back, then maybe he wasn’t the kind of guy I should want to be with.

  Oh, who was I kidding! Of course he was the guy I wanted to be with.

  Even though I was straining my ears, I couldn’t quite hear what he was saying. His voice was just loud enough to drag me out of a deep sleep but not loud enough for me to actually make out his words. It was frustrating really, and I regretted not waking him up and having my way with him earlier. It sounded like his voice was rising, and I could just make out what he was saying, but he was ending the call.

  “Yeah, I know. I know. I’ll call you when I get there,” he said, a slight level of exasperation in his tone.

  He paused, waiting for the other person, who I really hoped wasn’t Kimmy, to respond.

  “It’ll be fine. I promise. Okay. I know. Alright, be good,” he warned, and that really threw me for a loop.

  I wasn’t sure why he was telling Kimmy to ‘be good’. Unless he was giving her a second chance and making sure she knew she shouldn’t sleep around. He wouldn’t do that, though. Of course he hadn’t seen her getting nailed from behind by Haden, so the visual image wasn’t burned into the back of his brain for all eternity. I wasn’t that lucky.

  He didn’t say anything more, so I assumed he’d hung up and snuggled back under the covers, hoping he would come back to bed and cuddle with me.

  I heard him quietly open the door and close it, and then he walked across the room and paused near the bed.

  “Taylor,” he said softly.

  “Hmm?” I asked, my eyes still closed, as if I was sleeping and hadn’t been eavesdropping on his conversation.

  I really hoped he wasn’t about to kick me out of his bed. How humiliating would that be?

  “Are you asleep?”

  “Yes,” I answered, my voice muffled by the pillow.

  Now stop talking and hop into bed and have your way with me already.

  I felt the bed depress as he sat down next to where I was laying. His hand reached out and smoothed back my hair from my forehead. I smiled.

  “Can you get up? I need to talk to you,” he asked softly, and I opened my eyes and looked up at him through my lashes.

  He smiled, and it made me feel all giddy.

  “It’s early. Get back in bed.”

  And take off your clothes before you do.

  He shook his head. “I have to go out of town for a few days.”

  My eyebrows rose. “Again? Why?”

  He sighed. “Carlie needs me.”

  “Really?” I questioned, a feeling of dread pooling in my stomach. I was beginning to think Carlie had some kind of hold over him, and I was starting to not like her very much. “Is there something I should know about you two?”

  I knew it was a crappy thing to ask, but I had been prepared to sleep with him, and I assumed he was on the same page. If he wasn’t, because he was involved with someone else, then I probably needed to know that.

  “No! She’s just a friend,” he said quickly – almost too quickly.

  What aren’t you telling me?

  “Okay, have fun.”

  “Taylor, don’t be like that. Please.”

  “What? I said to have fun.”

  “It was your tone.”

  “What’s wrong with my tone?”

  He opened his mouth to respond, but then he must have changed his mind about what he was going to say. “I’ll be back in a few days. Remember, we have that meeting with the Leanna on Monday, and Sean on Tuesday, and I need you to make sure everything goes okay at O’Donnell’s. Brad has your number, so he’ll call you if he needs you at night, but you’ll need to work the daytime manager shifts. I should be back on Wednesday.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Josh, are you sure you want me to take those meetings? Don’t you want to reschedule?”

  I was fine with the manager stuff, but making final decisions about the remodel had me feeling like I was in over my head.

  He shook his head. “I trust you and your decisions. Leanna’s going to need to place the orders for some of the furniture and décor, so we can’t push the meeting back if we want to meet our deadline, and Sean’s team is getting started on the kitchen next week, so you need to walk through everything with him before they start, just to be sure everything looks okay, and you need to sign off on the remodel plans for the main part of the bar. Sean told me Cole made the adjustments we asked for, so it’ll be easy.”

  He smiled encouragingly at me, and that alone gave me confidence, even though I was freaking out inside.

  “You’ll be fine, and when I get back on Wednesday, we can talk.”

  “Talk?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I think there are some things we need to get out in the open, don’t you?”

  I swallowed hard, wondering if that was when he was going to tell me he knew about my feelings for him and let me down gently – again. Maybe I’d missed my chance. That would suck.

  “Yeah, we probably do,” I said, wishing I could crawl into a hole and die.

  “Cool,” he said, no doubt relieved that he wouldn’t have to be around me and my inappropriate crush for a few days.

  “Have a good trip,” I said half-heartedly.

  He smiled, and I melted. Damn, stupid perfect smile of his.

  He was up and off the bed before I could say anything else, and I watched as he hurriedly threw things into a duffel bag.

  “What time’s your flight?”

  “Two hours,” he said, as he moved into the bathroom to grab his toiletries.

  I watched him, wondering if it was the last time I’d get to watch him getting ready while snuggled under his covers where everything was warm and smelled like him. I doubted he’d want me back in his bed after he brushed me off.

  He threw his small toiletry bag into his duffel, grabbed his iPad and looked around the room. “I think that’s everything,” he said, as his gaze came to rest on me. “Well, not quite.”

  He set his iPad down, crossed the room in two strides and sat down on the edge of the bed. His gaze was so intense it sent my blood pounding through my veins. And before I knew what was happening, Josh dipped his head and pressed his lips to mine for several beats. He didn’t deepen the kiss or even open his mouth, almost as if he was mirroring what I’d done the night before, but I knew there was more to the kiss than just a goodbye, and it sent my heart soaring.

  It was the strangest, most gratifying, confusing kiss I’d ever received, but it was also quite possibly the best kiss I’d ever had.

  “We’ll talk on Wednesday,” he said, and I knew it was his way of telling me not to respond.

/>   But I didn’t want to. I just wanted to stay where I was with the feeling of his lips still on mine, completely and utterly blissed out by the sudden prospect of what might be between us.

  I love you, I thought, as he left the room and turned around to smile at me.

  Chapter 15

  “Come on, Tanner!” I cheered loudly when my brother stepped up to the mound. “You can do it!”

  His team was down by two runs, and they needed him to hold the other team from scoring, so they could make back the runs they’d lost in the previous inning due to two fielding errors. I could see my brother was rattled by the pressure just enough that he needed to get focused.

  “You’ve got this, T,” Trey yelled to him. “Rock and fire, baby.”

  Tanner paused before approaching the mound and grinned up at us. He was over-the-moon that Trey had shown up at his game to surprise him. Trey’d called our parents to tell them he was coming, but they hadn’t told Tanner.

  “You got this, T,” Trey repeated. “Strike him out.”

  Tanner just gave him very grown up head nod before he stepped up to the mound and proceeded to strike out the first batter in four pitches.

  “He’s so happy you’re here,” I said, putting my arm around Trey.

  “Little man is so awesome,” Trey said in admiration as he watched Tanner throw two more strikes.

  “Isn’t he,” my mother said, as she returned to the stands with snacks and drinks for us. She loved to feed her kids.

  “Thanks Mom,” Trey said, as he grabbed a soda from her and took a long pull.

  I rolled my eyes and grabbed the whole tray of sodas, so she could free up one of her hands.

  “Here, take this to Dad,” I told Trey, handing him a Gatorade.

  My dad was one of Tanner’s coaches, so he was inside the dugout.

  “Fine,” Trey grumbled.

  “Where’s your sister,” my mother asked as she settled in beside me.

  “Strike three!” the umpire yelled, and we were both on our feet then.

  “Alright, Tanner!” I cheered. “One more out, buddy.”

  “Yea Tanner! That’s my baby,” my mother said, and I shook my head at her.

  “Oh, sorry. Sorry, Tanner,” she yelled toward the field, and Tanner just shook his head. He hated when she babied him, especially when he was playing.