Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  I knew what he meant. We were just starting out as a couple. Something like this could totally derail us, but I liked to think that we were stronger than that.

  I took his hands in mine. “Josh, because I love you, I want to take this risk with you. I want to stand by you and support you and be the person you can count on. And I honestly think that at the end of this, we’re going to be fine. It’ll be like having a month long sleepover. It might even be fun.”

  He laughed. “You have no idea what you’re signing up for, and shit, neither do I, but I love you for trying to make it sound so appealing.”

  He leaned forward and kissed me, and the passion he felt for me had never been clearer. His kiss said everything he couldn’t put into words.

  “I love you, Taylor,” he said, as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his chest. He sighed in defeat or exhaustion or a little of both. “This has been one of the longest weeks of my life, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you what was going on.”

  I squeezed him back. “I wish you would have let me in, Josh. You tried to shoulder this all yourself, and you probably don’t want to admit it, but you were in a little bit over your head.”

  He leaned his chin on the top of my head. “I was way in over my head, but Tay, this was my thing. I didn’t want to get you involved. I didn’t want to put this on you. Jeremy and Carlie were my friends, and I felt like I had to handle things on my own.”

  Oh sweet Josh, that’s because you’ve never had a girlfriend you were serious about before.

  I pulled back and looked at him. “You told me last weekend that you wanted in for the long haul, that you wanted a commitment, and I think you even mentioned something about being with me for the rest of your life. With that being said, keep in mind that I want the same things. And that also might mean some bumps in the road, but being in a relationship also means that I’m here to hold your hand through it all and you’re here to hold mine.”

  Josh leaned his head against my forehead. “I’m not sure I could love you any more right now. Thank you.”

  “You care to show me that love?” I asked, grinning wickedly at him and knowing taking his mind off of everything he’d been dealing with was probably the best idea. And after everything I’d been feeling over the past few hours, I sort of just needed to feel close to him.

  He smirked at me. “You mean physically?”

  I nodded. “I figure we should get the wild sex out of our systems before we have to keep quiet, have quickies, and restrict our sex to late at night once everyone is asleep.”

  Oh good Lord, what had I agreed to.

  “We’re not going to be able to sleep in anymore either,” Josh said then, and it was as if that fact had just hit him.

  I shook my head. “Nope, we’re not. And we’ll also have to quit getting wasted, because it’s probably not appropriate to do that with kids around, nor will it be fun to have a wicked hangover when you can’t sleep it off.”

  Josh’s eyes went wide, and it was as if he was just now contemplating what he’d agreed to.

  “It’s only for a month. It’ll be fine. It’s not like we’re committing to the next eighteen years or anything.”

  Josh nodded. “You’re right. We’ll just have to adjust and figure out a new way of doing things. It’ll be fine.”

  “It’ll be great,” I said, smiling before I kissed him.

  Chapter 21

  I laid my head on Josh’s bare chest, as he ran his fingers rhythmically up and down my arm. I’d let him make love to me in the wake of the first big test our budding relationship was going to face, and although we’d both flown out of the moment and forgotten the fear and uncertainty, it was like you could tell what would happen the next day was hovering over us like a fog.

  “Tell me about Jeremy and Carlie,” I murmured, not sure if it would help him to talk about his best friends, but if nothing else, I wanted to know about them.

  I looked up at Josh, and he was smiling. “Jeremy was an idiot, but I loved him, because he was so fucking passionate about everything. He was the guy who talked me into going surfing in the middle of the night, who convinced me to take off with him for three days when we met these two girls in Holland our sophomore year of college, and the guy who talked me into getting a tattoo with him one night when we were drunk. He lived life to its fullest all the time.”

  I moved my hand to trace the nautical star on his left bicep.

  He shook his head. “Not that one. I got that one voluntarily my freshman year of college.”

  Then he rotated, so I could see the large tattoo between his shoulder blades.

  I fingered the intricate design, tracing the lines of the pattern.

  “It’s the Celtic symbol for brotherhood. Jer wanted to get it, and he talked me into doing it with him, telling me I was the brother he’d never had.”

  I smirked at him. “You guys got matching tattoos?”

  He rolled back over, leaned his head on his hand and looked at me. “Yeah. We were cheesy like that, but it was all Jeremy. He brought it out in me, he made me stop thinking so much, and he made life fun.”

  “When did he meet Carlie?”

  “He met Carlie our junior year of college and convinced her to marry him one weekend when we were all in Atlantic City. They’d only been dating for three months, but he was absolutely nuts over her. He asked her to marry him on their first date, and then he just kept asking until she gave in, and only after he tattooed her name on his forearm. I think she figured if he was willing to ink himself for her, he was a keeper. So she tattooed his name on her lower back and they got married the next day. She was an awesome chick, and she kept Jer’s crazy ass in line.”

  “He had a lot of tattoos, didn’t he?”

  I’d seen a picture of Jeremy in Josh’s room, and from what I could tell, he was covered in them.

  Josh nodded. “At last count, I think he had thirty-five of them, not counting the filler stuff on his arm. He wanted both sleeves done, but he only got one fully completed before he died.”

  The look in his eyes and the distant smile on his face told me Josh was a million miles away.

  “You miss him, don’t you?”

  He nodded. “Every day. Every fucking day.”

  “I can’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. To even think about losing Allison.” I shook my head at the thought. It was unfathomable.

  “I certainly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. There is no more helpless of a feeling than when you lose someone close to you and you never had a prayer to prevent it, or even say goodbye.”

  “What happened?”

  He took a deep breath. “Pre-Carlie, Jeremy was a pretty reckless son-of-a-bitch, and he always had this feeling that he was going to die young. It was why he lived his life to the fullest, and now I almost wonder if he wasn’t psychic. He toned down the craziness after he married Carlie and even more after Caleb was born, because he suddenly had two people who counted on him and loved him, but he never gave up his motorcycle. Not that he was reckless when he rode, but he liked speed and getting out on the open road. We both did, but he especially loved taking his bike out on the back roads early in the morning and riding until he got tired, but one morning he didn’t come home.”

  Josh paused, and his chest rose and fell heavily as his heartbeat started to quicken. “Carlie called me in a panic, because Jer had never been gone that long. I told her everything was probably fine and not to worry, but I’d come over to wait with her until he got back. I figured she was panicking over nothing, but I was worried because I knew how she could get when things got to be too much. Carlie was diagnosed with clinical depression after Caleb was born, and she had episodes where things got pretty dark. I was worried, and I should have been. By the time I got there, the police were already inside the house, and they were telling Carlie how Jeremy had been in an accident and had died at the scene. A car had pulled out in front of him and t-boned him. He never had a chance.
”

  Josh paused again, and I noticed he was trying to keep it together. I reached up and pressed my lips to his chin, kissing gently along his jawline. He took a few deep breaths to center himself.

  “Carlie was probably at her worst right after Jer died, and I can’t blame her. They were everything to each other, and she didn’t know how to exist without him. And I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that my best friend was gone. Caleb was only five, so things didn’t make a lot of sense to him. I spent a lot of time with them, mostly because Carlie was checked out all the time, but then something happened that pulled her even further down into her depression. She found out she was pregnant.”

  My eyes went wide as I tried to piece together what he was telling me. “It was Jeremy’s baby?”

  Josh nodded solemnly. “Yeah. They’d been trying for another baby for about a year, but she had trouble getting pregnant. Then after he died, she didn’t even think about the fact that it could have happened. She wasn’t thinking about much of anything at that point, but when she started showing, one of her friends realized what had happened. She was four months along by the time she found out, and it almost broke her.”

  Josh ran his hand back through his hair and held it there for a few beats. “It was bad. She talked about killing herself a few times, she went through bouts where she wouldn’t get out of bed for days and wouldn’t eat, and it scared the shit out of all of us. We didn’t know what to do, and it seemed like Caleb was the only person who could get through to her, and he was the only reason we didn’t do more to help her. I was so afraid the authorities would take him away, and I knew he was her lifeline, but she wasn’t well. It was a catch-22. The worst part was, she refused to believe she was pregnant. She just ignored what was happening to her body and went on as if nothing was different. But then one day, pretty far into her pregnancy, Caleb looked up at her, and said, ‘Mommy, if the baby is a boy, can we name him after daddy?’ And it was like she found new resolve all of a sudden.”

  I was riveted. It was like I was watching a Lifetime movie. I was practically holding my breath waiting for Josh to continue.

  “Is this too much?” he asked, and I just shook my head.

  “You’re fine,” I said hoarsely. “Continue.”

  I knew he needed to get this story out, and I didn’t want to prolong the process.

  He nodded. “So, a few months later, Savannah was born. Instead of naming her after Jeremy, Carlie named her after where he was born, but her middle name is Jeremy. It’s odd for a girl, but I think she’ll appreciate it when she gets older.” He smiled. “Carlie was surprisingly great after she was born, which was a relief to all of us, and Savannah was the spitting image of her father. Carlie loved to look at her and doted on her like she was an angel, and a part of me kind of believed that she felt like a piece of Jeremy had come back with Savannah. It’s strange, I know, but it’s what got her through it.”

  “I spent a lot of time with them and took my job of taking care of Jeremy’s family to heart, because I knew it was what he would have wanted. He was like my brother, and I would have trusted him with my family if our roles had been reversed. I felt awful having to move back here, but after my dad’s health started to fail, I had to make a choice. And Carlie had been doing really well, so I figured they’d be okay without me.”

  “Was she really okay?”

  “Yeah, she was great up until a few months ago.”

  “What triggered her depression this time?”

  “Her latest shithead of a boyfriend cheated on her, and she found out. She had been telling me they were going to get married, but that all came to a screeching halt, and I don’t think she could handle it. She never really dealt with Jer’s death, so there were probably old feelings shooting to the surface along with new ones, and she just shut down.”

  “When did they break up?”

  He sighed. “Six months ago. Looking back it was around that time that Caleb’s phone calls to me became more frequent. And the rest you know.”

  “Caleb sounds like a strong little boy,” I remarked, wondering how much he’d seen in his ten short years and how much he’d shouldered on behalf of his mother.

  “He is. He takes care of Savannah, and a lot of the time here lately, he’s been taking care of Carlie. I have to constantly remind him that it’s okay to have fun and be a kid, because he forgets. He had to grow up so fast.”

  I was making mental notes, getting more and more nervous with each passing second.

  “What’s Savannah like?”

  He smiled. “She’s the sweetest girl in the world, and she has these big brown eyes that just suck you in. She can be a handful, though, when she doesn’t get her way or when she’s tired, and she’s incredibly sensitive. Caleb knows her tantrum triggers, though, so he can usually calm her down before she gets going. And he’s really protective of her.”

  “Should we give her Allison’s room?”

  We hadn’t talked about the semantics of making room for two kids, but I assumed since I had the master bedroom that Josh would move in with me and Caleb would take his room. I was thinking I could add some more girlie touches to Allison’s former room to make it feel more like home for Savannah.

  “I think they’re both go end up sleeping in my room,” Josh clarified. “Like I said, Caleb pretty much takes care of Savannah, and I don’t think she’ll be okay with being away from him in a strange place.”

  That made sense.

  “Well, tomorrow morning, write down their favorite foods for me, and I’ll run to the grocery store. You can go get them, and we can all have brunch and get to know each other.”

  Josh’s strong arms pulled me up, so I was face-to-face with him. “I absolutely, positively, unconditionally love you, Taylor Ellison.”

  I smiled and kissed him, mumbling similar words around his eager lips.

  Chapter 22

  Savannah’s dark brown hair was in pigtails, and each one of them was one giant curl. The thumb on one hand was in her mouth, and her other hand was in her brother’s, grasping it tight as she looked around with wide eyes, drinking me in with her gaze.

  “Guys,” Josh said, nudging them both forward into the kitchen, “this is my friend Taylor. Can you say hi to her?”

  “Hi Taylor,” Caleb said confidently. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  Damn, he was polite.

  With his dark hair and dark, solemn eyes, Caleb looked more serious than any ten year-old I’d ever met.

  I smiled warmly at him. “It’s nice to meet you, Caleb.” Then I squatted down in front of Savannah, so we were eye to eye. “You must be Savannah.”

  She nodded her head infinitesimally, and her thumb never left her mouth.

  “Are ya’ll hungry?” Josh asked, as he appraised the food I’d laid out on the kitchen table.

  It was more than any of us could have eaten in a week, but I wasn’t sure what they’d like, so I’d just made everything my mom had suggested the kids might eat when I called to tell her what was going on. I hadn’t wanted to tell her, since I wasn’t sure what she’d think about me agreeing to take on two kids I didn’t know with the guy I just started dating, and she’d been shocked at first, but then she realized how freaked out I was, so she’d turned the tables and started spewing out advice. I’d written down everything she’d told me and planned to share it with Josh later. But first I had to win over the hearts of the two children standing in front of me if I had any chance of making this work for the next month.

  I watched Caleb’s eyes light up as he appraised the stacks of pancakes, Pop Tarts and bacon, amongst other things like fruit and cold cereal and toast. “I’m starving,” he said, as he took a step forward, tugging his sister’s hand. “Come on, Van.”

  “My tummy hurths,” she said, her words sounding slurred around her thumb.

  “You’re tummy hurts because you’re hungry,” he said to her and then turned to Josh. “She threw up last night. She ate too much i
ce cream at dinner. I told her she couldn’t finish that whole sundae, but she didn’t listen, and then she got sick, just like I knew she would.”

  I half expected him to roll his eyes, but he didn’t. He wasn’t teasing her. He was just explaining what had happened.

  “Did you get sick, Van?” Josh asked, squatting down so he was eye-level with the five year-old.

  She nodded. “Yeth,” she said around her thumb. “Ith okay, though. My tummy hurt, but then it didn’t, and Caleb told me a sthory afterward.”

  “Where was Aunt Mel?” Josh asked, concern sweeping his face.

  “She was asleep,” Caleb explained. “She snores really loud, so I was awake when I heard Savannah get up and say her tummy hurt. I made her go to the bathroom, and she threw up, so I made her brush her teeth, and then we went back to bed.”

  My eyebrows rose as he spoke of taking care of his sick sister like it was an everyday occurrence, and maybe it was. From what it sounded like, Carlie had checked out a while ago, so Caleb had been picking up the slack. It seemed like a lot for a ten year-old to shoulder.

  “That was really nice of you, Cale,” Josh said, as he ruffled Caleb’s hair.

  Caleb just shrugged and took a seat at the table. Without waiting for Josh or me, he started putting things on his sister’s plate and cutting them up for her. She seemed used to sitting back and letting him take care of things for her.

  As we stood back and watched, Josh took my hand. I looked over at him and met his gaze, and between us we seemed to share something unspoken that we both understood. He squeezed my hand once and then let it go, so he could take a seat at the table with the kids. I took a deep breath and joined him.

  The meal was painfully quiet at first, and I wasn’t sure what to say. I usually talked to my brother about baseball and video games and even teased him about the girls who texted him constantly, but I wasn’t sure what to talk to Caleb about. He didn’t seem like a normal ten year-old at all.