Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  “So, Cale, tell Taylor and me what you’ve been doing this summer.”

  “He’s been reading,” Savannah interjected. “A lot!”

  “You like to read, Caleb?” I asked him, and he just shrugged as he shoveled waffles into his mouth.

  “I love to read,” I shared. “What are you reading?”

  “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.”

  “Oh, I read that one. I’ve read all the Harry Potter books. How do you like it?”

  “You read all of them?” Caleb asked, and I was so glad to hear the admiration in his voice. I’d actually managed to connect with him, and I was pretty darn proud of myself.

  I nodded. “Yup, a few times. They’re really good.”

  He nodded in agreement. “I like them too, but this one is long, so it’s taking me a while to read it.”

  “That’s okay. It always takes me a while to read long books too.”

  Caleb smiled at me.

  “I like the Harry Potter movies,” Savannah said then, and Caleb rolled his eyes.

  “You’ve only seen the first one. You don’t like all the movies.”

  “That’s because we only have the first one, Caleb,” Savannah spat at him, and I stifled the giggle that was fighting to escape my lips. I looked up to see Josh doing the same.

  “You read the second book, right Caleb?” I asked him.

  He nodded. “Yeah, I did, but I haven’t seen the movie. I asked for it for my birthday, but I didn’t get it.”

  Okay, now I had to fight the urge to let my face fall. Poor kid.

  “Well, Taylor has all of the Harry Potter movies, don’t you Tay?” Josh chimed in.

  I nodded. “I do. I have all of them.”

  Savannah’s eyes lit up. “Can we watch them?!” she practically shrieked.

  “Maybe later,” Josh told her. “Right now you’re going to eat and then we’re going to get you settled in your new room and unpack your stuff. How does that sound?”

  “I love that idea,” Savannah said earnestly, and I noticed she shouldered none of the weight her brother seemed to be carrying. It seemed he carried it for both of them. “Does my room have butterflies in it?”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I tried to imagine Josh’s masculine room covered in butterflies, and it made me chuckle.

  “No, sweetie, it doesn’t, but maybe you and I can go to Target later and buy some things with butterflies on them, and you can put them up in your room.”

  Her mouth dropped open, and she gasped in delight. “I love Target!”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at her. She was so stinkin’ cute. “I love Target too,” I told her.

  “How about you, Cale,” Josh asked, nudging him. “Do you love Target?”

  I knew Josh was messing with him and teasing me and Savannah at the same time.

  Caleb smiled, and it was the first time he’d done that since he’d arrived. “I guess. They have cool video games there.”

  “You’re right. They do. It’s where I buy most of my PS3 games.”

  Caleb’s eyes got wide. “You have a PS3?!”

  “I sure do. Do you want to play it later?”

  “Um, yeah,” Caleb said, as if it was obvious, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. We could totally do this.

  * * *

  Later that evening, after the four of us had moved Caleb and Savannah into their room, aka Josh’s former room, decorated Savannah’s side with a framed picture of a butterfly, a butterfly lamp and a butterfly pillow, and moved the PlayStation downstairs into the living room, Josh and Caleb sat in front of it playing some game where they fought zombies. Savannah was sitting near them playing with a sticker book we’d bought her, and I was cleaning up the kitchen from dinner.

  And I never knew just how exhausting it was to have kids around. Holy crap. They never stopped going. They had more energy than I’d thought possible. I totally planned on collapsing on the couch with a beer and Josh after they went to bed.

  Josh’s ringtone pulled me out of my relaxation fantasy as it started playing from his phone on the kitchen counter. He looked up at it expectantly and started to get up. I constantly made fun of him for his ringtones, as they were all old country songs and no doubt a product of him living in Georgia for ten years. He might have been alternative rock on the outside, but inside he had just a little bit of redneck.

  “Hey, my dad used to listen to that song all the time,” Caleb said, and Josh paused to stare at him. “That’s Garth Brooks, right?”

  I watched Josh swallow hard and appraise Caleb, but Caleb wasn’t upset. He just seemed to be stating a fact, and I wondered how much of his father he actually remembered.

  “That’s right,” Josh said. “This was one of your dad’s favorite songs.”

  And then I knew exactly why his ringtones all seemed to be at least five years old. They were all songs that reminded him of Jeremy.

  “I know,” Caleb said, his face brightening. “He used to sing it to my mom.”

  A smile quirked up on Josh’s face. “He used to sing this song?”

  Caleb nodded. “Yup, like when she was cooking in the kitchen or doing laundry. It made her laugh.”

  Josh was fighting the urge to laugh, and I couldn’t figure out why. “Yeah, you’re dad always liked this song. In fact, he sang it to your mom the night they met, and he started calling her Cinderella. It’s how she got the nickname he always called her.”

  “Really?” Caleb asked, and Josh nodded. “That’s so cool.”

  “That sounds romantic to me,” I piped in.

  Josh laughed for real as he turned to look at me. “Remind me to play it for you again, and I’ll tell you the lyric he always changed and what he changed it to. You won’t think it’s all that romantic then.”

  “Will you tell me?” Caleb asked, and Josh’s smile faded.

  I think he forgot for a minute that there were kids in the house. I could tell he was referring to something dirty, but you couldn’t say things that intrigued kids, because they were inquisitive and would want to know. Hopefully we wouldn’t make too many of those mistakes as we navigated through the unknown together.

  Josh’s phone rang again.

  “Who is it?” he asked me.

  “Cole,” I said, looking down at the screen, as the song continued to play.

  I had no idea if Josh had spoken to Cole since the night of my birthday, but he didn’t seem too keen on talking to him now.

  The phone stopped ringing, and then almost immediately it started ringing again.

  “And now it’s Brad,” I said, glancing back at the screen.

  “Can you answer it?” Josh asked, as he started to get up.

  “Hey Brad,” I said into his phone. “Yeah, hang on. He’s right here.”

  “Hey man,” Josh said. “What’s up? Really? Seriously?” His voice fell a few octaves. “Yeah, I’ll be right there.”

  Excuse me?

  He was not leaving me alone with Caleb and Savannah on their first night with us. No way.

  Josh hung up the phone and looked at me apologetically. “I’m sorry, but I have to run over to the bar for a few minutes.”

  “Why? Josh, you can’t leave me here,” I hissed. “What am I supposed to do with them?”

  “I’ll be back in like ten minutes. You’ll be fine.”

  “Ten minutes?” I questioned.

  He sighed. “Maybe an hour. Cole’s piss drunk and making a scene, and Brad doesn’t want to throw him out because he’s afraid he’ll drive home, and I need to be sure he’s okay, calm him down, and then I’m going to call him a cab.”

  “Can’t Brad call him a cab?”

  Josh rolled his eyes. “I’m apparently the reason he’s wasted, and he’s threatening to come over here since I won’t talk to him. I’m sorry, okay, but I don’t want him making a scene in front of them.”

  I nodded in understanding. “Fine, go take care of your friend, but please be back in an hour. I’m a lit
tle terrified I might break them or something.”

  Josh smiled at me. “You’re doing great, Swift. I’m actually sort of impressed that you haven’t locked yourself in your room yet.”

  “Oh, ha ha,” I said, shoving him lightly. “I’m not a totally inept moron. I have been around kids before.”

  “You’re amazing,” he said, as his arm looped around my waist and pulled me to him. “I love you, and I’ll see you in a little while.”

  He leaned in to kiss me but didn’t linger like he usually did. We had to keep the PDA to a minimum around those under eighteen.

  As soon as he was out the back door, I turned to the kids. “Anyone want to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets?”

  “Yeah!” they both cheered in unison.

  * * *

  When I climbed into bed three hours later, I was exhausted, and it wasn’t even nine o’clock. Movie time had been followed by bath time for Savannah which had been an experience to say the least, and then I’d had to convince both kids to get into bed and go to sleep. Caleb wanted to stay up and read, and Savannah kept asking for water and then a tissue and then a kiss every time I tried to leave the room. Finally Caleb told me just to leave because she’d keep asking for different things. He told her to go to sleep, and then he’d leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, and she’d grinned, told him she loved him, hugged her stuffed unicorn and closed her eyes.

  Josh had texted twice to tell me he was going to be later, and I knew him well enough to know he would be home if he could, but I had no clue what was going on with him and Cole, so maybe they needed to hash some things out.

  Forcing myself out of bed to wash my face and brush my teeth, I tucked in under my covers ten minutes later and opened the book I’d been reading. An hour later, I was startled by the sound of a thump followed by crying, and I leap out of bed. As soon as I was in the hallway, I could make out Savannah’s small body standing outside of her and Caleb’s room. She was shaking, and she looked confused and terrified and tearful.

  “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

  “I want my mommy!” she cried, and I scooped her up in my arms. “I want my mommy.”

  My heart was breaking for her as her cries mixed with her uneven breath and gasps for air.

  “Mommy’s not here,” I said as soothingly as I could while I simultaneously stroked her back through her cotton nightgown. “But you’re okay. You’re okay.”

  “I want Josh,” she said, as her little arms gripped tightly around my neck.

  “Josh will be back later,” I said, trying to keep the clipped tone out of my voice. “Do you want to come into my room for a little bit?”

  “Ye-ess,” she wailed, as her wet cheek tucked against my bare neck.

  “Okay, let’s go in my room.”

  I peeked my head back into her room to see her brother fast asleep in the middle of the bed at a diagonal, his head at one corner, and his feet at the opposite corner. I could deduce what had happened and that the thump had been Savannah falling out of bed.

  I sat her down on the edge of my bed and inspected her for injuries. I didn’t see any.

  “Are you hurt?” I asked her. “Do you have any ouchies?”

  She shook her head. “Caleb kicked me.”

  “I know he did. Did you hurt anything when you fell?”

  “This,” she said, holding up her elbow. There was the slightest hint of rug burn, but other than that, she seemed fine.

  “How about I get you a Band-Aid?”

  “Do you have any with butterflies?” she asked, and I wondered where her obsession with butterflies came from.

  I shook my head. “No, but I have ones that are bright colors. Do you want to pick one out?”

  Savannah smiled through her tears, her wet cheeks brightening. “I like purple!”

  “Okay then, let’s get you a purple Band-Aid.”

  * * *

  “Hey you,” Josh said, as he kissed my forehead and startled me awake.

  A glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand told me it was almost one in the morning.

  “You were supposed to be back hours ago,” I whispered.

  He closed his eyes for a few seconds. “I know. I’m sorry. Cole and I had a lot of shit to work out, but we did, and he’s safe at home now sleeping it off. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that torn up before.”

  I nodded sleepily. I could imagine how bad he’d been. I’d encountered Cole right after the whole thing with Kimmy happened, and he’d seemed like a shell of himself then. I could only imagine what three more weeks of Josh freezing him out could do.

  “Come to bed,” I mumbled, reaching out for him.

  “Uh, Taylor?”

  “Hmm?”

  “There’s a little person using my pillow.”

  I opened my eyes and rolled over to find Savannah asleep next to me. We must have fallen asleep before I could put her back in her bed.

  I took a deep breath to wake myself up enough to have a coherent conversation. “Caleb kicked her and she fell out of bed, and she was scared, so I brought her in here.”

  “Is she okay?!” he asked, panic lacing his tone.

  “She’s fine,” I whispered.

  “I’ll put her back in her bed,” Josh offered, as he reached down to scoop up Savannah.

  “No,” she mumbled, half-awake as she snuggled into his chest and her tiny arms snaked around his neck.

  “It’s okay, Van. I’m going to put you back in your bed, okay?”

  “I wanna sleep with Taylor,” she murmured sleepily, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  “No, sweetie, you have to go back to your bed,” Josh coaxed her. “You can play with Taylor tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” she agreed, and my smile got even bigger.

  She actually liked me. I’d done it. I hadn’t killed either kid, and aside from Savannah’s scraped elbow, they were both unscathed, and they didn’t hate me. Huge win!

  A few minutes later, Josh reappeared and collapsed next to me. He smelled like beer and the bar. I snuggled up next to him and tucked under his arm.

  “You’re actually pretty good at this,” he said, as he kissed my forehead.

  “And you doubted me,” I tsked. “You forget that I was around Tanner when he was little, so I’m not completely clueless when it comes to children.”

  He sighed. “I’m exhausted, but I sort of want to do really inappropriate things to you right now,” he said, testing me to see what he might be able to get away with.

  “No,” I scolded. “There are children sleeping in the next room.”

  “Please,” he begged. “I’ll be quick and quiet, just like we talked about.”

  “Josh, I can’t. It’s too weird.”

  “So you’re saying that we can’t have sex for the next month?”

  I snuggled closer to him. “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just want to wait until they both settle in. The last thing we need is one of them getting up in the middle of the night and coming in here.”

  “That’s why they make door locks,” Josh murmured against my hair, as his hand reached out to caress my breast.

  “Stop that. We share a wall with them,” I reminded him, swatting his hand away. “Go to sleep.”

  “You’re killing me, woman,” he said, but I felt him settle down next to me.

  “Totally not my goal, J. I promise you’ll have a chance to ravish me again soon enough.”

  “A man can only hope,” he sighed, waxing dramatic as he drifted off to sleep next to me.

  Chapter 23

  Bam, bam, bam!

  “I’ll get it,” Caleb shouted, dropping his PS3 controller and racing toward the front door.

  “Me too,” Savannah said, as she started to chase after her brother.

  “Don’t run in the house,” I yelled after then, cringing when I realized I sounded like my mother.

  “You sound like, Mom,” Tanner said to me from the floor where he had been battling Caleb
in some game that involved killing people and war. I wasn’t exactly sure what it was.

  I glared at him. “Shut up.”

  He just grinned back.

  Bam, bam, bam!

  “Open up, you fuckers! It’s time to par-tay!”

  My eyes went wide, and both Caleb and Savannah froze in their tracks. They turned to look at me.

  “That guy said a really bad word,” Savannah told me, as I made my way toward them.

  “He sure did,” I confirmed at the same time I swept the door open to reveal Sean and Cole who already seemed to be a bit wasted. “Hi guys.”

  “Taylor!” Sean cheered. He started to push past me into the house and froze when he saw the kids behind me. “Oh. Sorry. Are you babysitting?”

  “Yeah, sort of. Did Josh not tell you what’s going on?”

  “Nah, I haven’t talked to him all week, but you said we were all going out tonight to celebrate the last night of O’Donnell’s pre-remodel, and we’re here to do it up right! When do the kids go home?”

  I sucked in a breath, as I remembered the conversation Sean and I had on Monday. It had only been a few days ago, but things had changed so much since then.

  “Yeah, I did say that.” I turned to the kids. “Hey guys, why don’t you go back into the living room with Tanner?”

  Savannah was staring at Sean with wide eyes as Caleb took her hand. “Come on, Van.”

  I turned back to Cole and Sean. “Here’s the thing, I said that before I knew Josh and I were going to be taking care of Savannah and Caleb for a while, and now we can’t really leave them, so I guess we’ll have to opt out.”

  Just saying it made me sad, and the reality of what it meant to have kids in the house started to sink it. And it had only been three days, but already I felt my freedom and my carefree life fading way.

  But it was only for a month. I could suck it up for a month.

  “That sucks. Where’s Josh?” Cole asked.

  “He’s taking a shower. He just got back from the gym.”

  “Well, tell him to meet us at the bar when he’s done,” Sean chimed in.

  I raised an eyebrow at him. “No. I’m not doing that.”

  “Why won’t you let him come out with us?” Cole whined.