Essence

by A. L. Waddington

  “How are you feeling today, Mimi?” I noticed her rubbing her lower back as her wearied face winced. She was probably somewhere in her late sixties or mid-seventies; but since there were no records of her birth, no one was really sure.

  “Jus’ m’ back getting’ worse.” She continued rubbing the small of her back.

  “I’m sorry you are not feeling so well.” My eyes met hers in the mirror. Lately, I was beginning to really worry about her. She seemed to be so tired all the time.

  “Jus’ getting’ old.” She gave me a half smile and continued twisting my hair into curls.

  “Not you, Mimi. You are not allowed to do that.” I smiled lovingly at her reflection.

  I watched silently as her skilled fingers twisted my hair up in curls and ringlets that clearly flattered my face.

  Finally satisfied, she smiled back at me. “There. How’s tha’?”

  “Beautiful.” I beamed. She was so warm and loving. “As always.”

  “Now, ya’d betta scoot downstairs fo ya breakfas’. Sara’s been cookin’ all mornin’.”

  I joined my brother William, who sat alone at the dining room table with his tall, stocky frame buried behind a newspaper. My parents had already finished and left the dining room. His dark, blonde hair was neatly combed and he was already dressed in his Sunday attire. I could see his crystal-blue eyes absorbing every word across the page, and I wondered what held his attention so fully.

  “Good morning, William.” I tried to interrupt him.

  “Morning, Jocelyn,” he muttered, not bothering to look up from the paper.

  “Anything interesting in the paper?” I inquired.

  “Not really. Just much of the same.” He remained behind his paper.

  William was my favorite brother and the closest to my age. We had always been close growing up, but now he was gone throughout the week at Northwestern University, studying to become a lawyer. I was so envious of him and my other brothers for being allowed to continue their education that I practically pounced on them when they came home for any information they would give me about all the things they were learning.

  “Tell me about it anyway,” I half-pleaded with curiosity.

  William placed the paper down on the table beside him. “Later, Jocelyn.” He laughed and rolled his eyes at me. “Give me a moment to wake up and enjoy my coffee, please.”

  William ran his fingers through his hair, and for the first time I really noticed his eyes looked tired and worried. His studies must be taking a lot out of him with midterm’s right around the corner.

  “Fine.” I playfully pouted in an attempt to lighten his mood. He knew I’d continue pestering him until he talked. It was a constant game between us.

  “You should hurry up and eat. Jackson will be here soon to pick you up.”

  I took a bite of my eggs and watched William help himself to another cup of coffee and spoon in one too many teaspoons of sugar before taking a sip.

  “What time?”

  “I am not sure but soon I would imagine. It is almost eight already.” He picked at his food but didn’t take a bite of it.

  I continued watching him, feeling that something was off with his behavior. Typically, William was the free-spirited one of all my brothers. It was almost impossible to catch him without a mischievous grin across his sculpted face. Something was definitely bothering him, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

  I played with my food for a few more minutes and finished up with my coffee while William disappeared once more behind the morning paper. I wasn’t really hungry, just anxious to see Jackson. He too was gone all week at the university with William, so I treasured my time with him on the weekends. We were to be married this Christmas, only ten weeks away. Shortly before then, he would be finished with his studies and become an attorney and take his position at his father’s firm.

  Finally, I gave up on having a conversation with William and went back upstairs to retrieve my caplet and bonnet before Jackson arrived.

  I sat down in the window seat that faced the front yard with a book in my lap and looked over toward the Chandler estate across the way. The house appeared silent in the midmorning light. I wondered if Jackson was even up yet. Perhaps he was just as tired as William from his studies. Yet, he was much further along than William. William had only started his studies this fall, and the two young men shared a room at the university and were close friends. However, William had said that the workload was much more challenging than anything he had ever encountered before.

  I spent the next half hour trying to read, but it was impossible. Every two seconds, I glanced out at the house across the way. Finally I saw Jackson emerge and make his way toward our home. As excited as I was, I did not want to appear overly anxious so I hid behind the drapes and waited for him to reach our door before I got up.

  Eddie approached the door to welcome Jackson in but before he could reach it, William pushed past him and flung the door open.

  “Good morning, Mr. Chandler.” William was smiling at his own humor and mockingly bowed to Jackson. “Please come in.”

  I watched the scene from the top of the stairs with curiosity as William’s mood completely shifted.

  His playful antics always irritated Eddie, which only fueled William’s behavior. Eddie did not believe it was proper for a house-master, even a young one, to open his own front door. He flashed William a stern look as he held out his hand to receive Jackson’s hat.

  “Thank you, Mr. Timmons.” Jackson laughed at William. He enjoyed William’s playful nature; and in truth, Jackson behaved similar to him when scorning, older eyes were not upon him. Jackson gave Eddie a nod as he crossed the threshold, pausing in the foyer.

  William gestured in a playful proper form to his right with a wide grin. “Will you not join me in the parlor while you wait for Jocelyn?”

  “Certainly,” Jackson replied, leading the way with William in tow.

  I paused on the staircase, observing their charade with Mimi. I smiled at their playfulness while she shook her head with disapproval.

  As I reached the first floor, Missy, our downstairs housekeeper, was already carrying a coffee tray into the parlor for our guest. I entered the room, and both young men stood. Jackson crossed the room, taking my hand and kissing it lightly.

  “You look lovely this morning, Miss Jocelyn.”

  His piercing, green eyes gently held mine. My heart skipped a beat at the touch of his lips on my skin.

  I curtsied slightly to him, returning his smile. “Good morning, Mr. Chandler.” I continued their mocking charade.

  Jackson’s dark, gray suit looked stunning on his muscular frame. His dark, wavy, brown hair was slightly tousled, giving him an almost-boyish appearance; and I loved the way it glistened in the sun, giving it copper-colored highlights.

  “Won’t you please join us?” Jackson gestured to the lounge.

  “Thank you.”

  I crossed the room and gracefully sat on the edge of the lounge, careful not to wrinkle my gown. The full skirt ballooned out around me, draping almost the entire area of the lounge. Jackson sat down next to me a couple of feet away, taking care not to touch my skirt but still close to me. William took a seat in a chair across from us while Missy served us all coffee.

  My parents arrived within moments, informing us it was time to leave. Jackson and I rode together in his carriage behind the one holding my father, Patrick, and my mother, Annabelle; William joined them.

  ***

  I sat on the hardwood oak bench next to Jackson, listening to Reverend Jacobs preach about Cain and Able. It was a story I have heard a thousand times before, making it all the more impossible to hold my attention. My focus instead was on Jackson and the gentle way his hands were holding mine. My eyes could not escape his face this morning as the sunlight brilliantly danced off the colors of the stained-glass windows across his cheeks, making it difficult for me to look elsewhere.

  Jackson glanced over at me with the
corners of his lips curled up ever so slightly. He refocused his attention forward, although I couldn’t command myself to do so. William, on my other side, elbowed me in the ribs. I flashed him an annoyed look as he grinned.

  Jackson and I rode together with Olivia Adams, our neighbor and my closest, lifelong confidant, along with William back to our home from Sunday dinner after services finally concluded. I was surprised when William asked Olivia to join us and eyed him suspiciously, but William heeded me no attention. He had never shown much interest in Olivia before except to pull her braids when we were much younger. I was intrigued as to whether I was missing something between them. Certainly Olivia would have told me. After all, she and I spent our weekdays together at school.

  Olivia believed school to be a waste of time and did not enjoy our studies nearly as much as I did. She was a good student but felt that it was trivial for women to receive an education beyond a certain point. It was one topic she and I did not meet with mutual agreement. I adored learning and dearly wished I could attend the university. I had never voiced that opinion to anyone except Jackson and William since it was unheard of in our home.

  My father was a firm believer that a woman’s proper place was in the home, attending to the needs of her husband and children, coupled with hosting tea parties and cotillions. Women simply did not read newspapers or discuss politics or anything beyond the occasional appropriate novel. He had commented before that I was too curious for my own good when I had remarked on something about a new industrial machine. He sternly informed me that such subjects were too complicated for me to understand and for me not to worry about anything beyond the scope of my course studies.

  However, I knew that recently a few women were now attending the same university as my brothers and Jackson and even graduating. Yet, as far as Patrick was concerned, it was not even a consideration for me. It truly depressed me the way he wanted to limit my education simply because I was a woman. All of my brothers are either attending or had attended and graduated from college. It simply was not fair. Although I believed his point of view to be so old fashioned, he knew there was no way I would defy his wishes.

  The autumn sun was warm; but the breeze added a chill to the air, kicking up the fragrance of ripe apples. The leaves were beginning to fall and cover the pathways just enough to remind me that the long summer days were now only a fading memory.

  Jackson placed his hand over mine while the other guided the reigns. I pulled my caplet closer around my shoulders to block out the coldness. From the front of the carriage, I could hear Olivia and William speaking softly to each other; but I could not make out the words being spoken. Instead, I turned my attention back to Jackson.

  I was immensely curious by this change of events. “Did you ask my brother to invite Olivia for dinner?”

  “No. He asked me last evening if I would mind if they joined us, and I did not believe you would disapprove.” The expression on Jackson’s face told me he knew more than he was saying.

  “No. Of course I do not mind. I was just unaware that William had any intentions toward her.” I did my best to keep my eyes forward and not turn around to question the two passengers behind us.

  “I know that they have been exchanging letters frequently since classes resumed this fall.” He continued to look straight ahead, but I saw him raise his eyebrows a little.

  “Really? I was unaware.” I muttered softly so our passengers couldn’t overhear. I couldn’t believe it. “Neither of them has spoken of word of it to me. If Olivia was interested in my brother, why would she not have spoken to me about it, and why hadn’t William mentioned it either?”

  “I believe they both were concerned that you would be unhappy about their relationship. They did not want to upset you.”

  Jackson patted my hand in a reassuring way that made me even more upset. I felt like I had been deceived by all of them. I gently removed my hand from his, pretending to readjust my caplet again.

  “Why would I be unhappy about a relationship between them?” I inquired, attempting to keep my voice smooth.

  “I am not sure. I had spoken with William about it and informed him that he was truly being foolish for hiding his relationship with Miss Olivia from you. But he assured me yesterday that they had decided to tell everyone that they intend to be married.”

  Jackson’s voice was cool and calm, but I was suddenly frozen to my seat, immersed in shock and anger.

  “Married?”

  “I know they are intending to speak with us about it, although I promise you I am unaware as to why.”

  I sat in silence, fuming beside him.

  Sometimes I truly despised the role I was born into. Men could openly express their displeasure in any situation and no one ever thought differently of them; but being a lady, it was improper to do so without the world’s judgment falling upon me. Therefore, I remained silent and fumed only to myself.

  ***

  Our dining room overflowed with friends and family as we all gathered around the table. Annabelle was bursting with happiness, as I expected. She loved entertaining and felt completely satisfied when the house was filled with family and friends.

  The men discussed government and state politics, the growing industry of the railroads, and the problems with some outlaw down in the New Mexico Territory. I sat and listened to them as they talked about this William H. Bonney person and his regulators and what President Hayes intended to do about them but was not allowed to join in the conversation.

  By early evening, Olivia, William, Jackson, and I settled on our front porch to escape the others. William had invited us with Olivia and him to discuss what Jackson had informed me of earlier. I sat next to Jackson and waited anxiously for what was coming next.

  “As you probably have already guessed, Jocelyn, Olivia and I have become very fond of each other.”

  “I feel terrible that I did not share this with you sooner, Jocelyn.” Olivia looked down at her hands. “It was only that I was unsure as to whether or not you would feel comfortable with my involvement with your brother.”

  “Why would I mind? It does not concern me. Obviously no one thought so, or I would have been informed long before now.” I could no longer hide my displeasure.

  William interjected, “Now, Jocelyn, it was not like that at all.” He placed his hand over Olivia’s in an attempt to comfort her.

  “Really now? Did it ever occur to either of you that I would be happy about your relationship? Apparently not, because both of you, or shall I say all of you,” I looked directly at Jackson, “found it necessary to deceive me for the last several months.” I fired back angrily and stormed into the house and went directly up the stairs to my room, slamming the door behind me.

  I paced around my room with my thoughts racing. I hated being upset with Jackson; hated even more the feeling that he had betrayed my confidence by keeping a secret from me. I realized that I was truly the last to know. I felt as if I was being laughed at for being the only one kept in the dark.

  In my pure disgust with all of them, I picked up my hairbrush off the vanity and threw it against the wall. The loud noise that followed enabled me to release the tears I had been fighting back. They poured down my face, bringing endless sobs as I threw myself atop my bed. The light outside my windows began to grow darker as the shortened day came to a close.

  A few minutes later, I heard a knock at my door. “Jocelyn?” rang Olivia’s voice. I remained silent. “Jocelyn, please,” she called again.

  I said nothing. A few moments later, I heard her footsteps retreat from my door.

  Shortly thereafter, heavy footsteps raced up to my door, followed by William slamming my door open.

  I jumped off my bed and screamed at him, “How dare you barge into my room without knocking!”

  He stood just inside my doorway, red faced with his hand on his hips, glaring at me.

  “How dare I? You ridiculous child! Olivia is downstairs in tears because of you and your selfish beh
avior. You should be ashamed of yourself!” William pointed his finger at me.

  I glared back at him. “Do not raise your voice at me, William. I am not the one who deceived you! I was not sneaking around with your best friend behind your back for the last several months, making a fool out of you!” I didn’t believe I had ever been so angry with him before in all my life.

  “You had best come downstairs now and apologize this minute,” he stated through gritted teeth.

  “Me? Me apologize? Certainly you cannot be serious.” My jaw dropped at his audacity.

  “I most certainly am! Olivia tried to apologize, but you would not open your door and give her the chance to explain. Instead, you decided to behave like a child.”

  His words stung, and he knew it. He constantly teased me about being a child simply because I was the youngest.

  “Get out of my room, William, or I shall tell Father that you barged in here without knocking and he will skin you alive for it,” I taunted him because he knew it was true.

  None of my brothers were ever allowed to enter my or our mother’s bed chambers without knocking and being verbally told they could enter. It was a rule that was strictly enforced and respected in our home.

  William’s eyes narrowed as he looked at me with disgust before he stormed out of my room, slamming the door behind him. I whirled around and threw myself back across my bed as the tears returned full force.

  I lay there, sobbing, for what felt like an eternity when a soft knock on my door brought me back to reality and out of my selfish tears.

  “Jocelyn?”

  It was Annabelle.

  “Yes, Mother?” I sat up, wiping the tears from my eyes.

  She slowly opened my door and, with all her grace and beauty, entered my room. My mother was slightly taller than me with long, golden, blonde hair with crystal-blue eyes and was blessed with fair, porcelain skin. Even for a woman of her stature, she had a petite and delicate grace about her that made every woman in her presence take note. Her quiet demeanor and gentle smile yet firm hand commanded respect from everyone who came across her.