Essence

by A. L. Waddington

  “I figured as much.” He rolled his eyes at her.

  The five of us settled back and enjoyed the movie. I had a difficult time keeping my eyes off Jackson throughout the film. What I couldn’t believe was that every time I would steal a peak over at Jackson, I would always discover him looking back at me with a slight, knowing grin on his face. I firmly believed he knew more about what was happening to me than what he was telling me.

  CHAPTER 22

  Monday, October 28, 1878

  ELIZABETH AND I WALKED TOGETHER in the fading sunshine. I was heading over to Jackson’s, while she was going straight home to complete her schoolwork before Mr. Lee Miller got off work. The skies had somewhat cleared from the day before, but it was evident that winter was on its way. There was no warmth left in the sun as we both pulled our caplets tighter around ourselves.

  Elizabeth was being rather elusive about her relationship with Mr. Miller, yet there was a new lightness to her step. She was so unlike Christina or Laurie, who simply could not stop themselves from talking about their beaus. Elizabeth was much more refined then the other two could possibly ever hope to be.

  Although I was dying to tell her about William and Olivia’s nuptials, I knew I could not so I was doing my best to keep the subject focused on anything else.

  “Did Mr. Miller have a good time at the party Saturday?”

  “Yes. He enjoyed getting to know everyone. He thought you and Mr. Chandler were very pleasant.”

  “He seems like a very kind man.” A cold breeze blew through my hair, chilling me to the bone.

  “He is, and I really like him.” Her cheeks blushed, but not from the wind.

  “Wonderful. Is his family still coming for the holidays?”

  “Yes, and I believe Mother is quite nervous about it.” She giggled. “I admit I am rather curious about them.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Perhaps, because he seems so much older than he is.” She shook her head.

  “Yes, he does.” I agreed.

  “But sometimes there is still a hint of a child in him.”

  I remembered how that felt when a relationship was just beginning, the excitement and the thrill of discovery.

  “You seem very taken by him.”

  Elizabeth’s face got even redder, and she looked away shyly.

  “I suppose I am.” I saw her grin even though she was looking down.

  “You know there is nothing wrong with that.”

  “I know, but I normally do not behave like this.” She almost looked as if she were ashamed of herself.

  “I believe he is good for you.” I could not help but laugh at her.

  “I believe he is too.”

  We parted ways in front of my house. I told her I had to speak with Mrs. Chandler and bid her farewell as I crossed the street. I could see the lights pouring out the windows, welcoming me. Their house was so beautiful and comfortable. I knocked on the front door and waited impatiently in the cold air. Emily greeted me warmly and offered me some hot tea in the living room to warm me.

  We sat down in front of the hearth, letting the embers return my body temperature back to normal.

  “How were your classes today?” she inquired in a warm tone.

  “Good. Long.” I sipped the tea. The heat was intoxicating. “I admit I could not wait for them to be over today. I am so excited about seeing your wedding gown. I am honored that you would want me to wear it.”

  “I am pleased to hear that. I was worried that I had offended you. I know how excited you were about your gown.”

  “Well, I was but I believe that Miss Olivia needed something special since she felt as if the entire world were judging her.” I explained my reasoning even though I knew it was not necessary.

  “She loved the dress because she knew how special it is to you.”

  “I know she made a mistake, but I do believe that we all make mistakes and need our families and friends support to help us get through them. I just cannot believe how her family and mine for a while, and even I too reacted. I feel badly for judging her when I heard.” I looked over at the fire to avoid her gentle eyes. I was truly ashamed of my earlier behavior.

  “We were all surprised. It is natural for us to be shocked by events such as these, but the important thing is we give the two of them all the support we can. They have a long and difficult road ahead, and they are going to need all of us.” Her voice was smooth and caring.

  “I still cannot get over her parents and what they did to her,” I stated softly, recalling how Olivia looked when William carried her in.

  “I know. Robert told me what happened when they returned to gather her belongings. It is heartbreaking.” Her eyes dropped briefly.

  “How can a mother do such a thing to their child?”

  “I honestly do not know. Robert also told me that they are moving as soon as possible.” She shook her head slightly.

  “Really?”

  Emily nodded again.

  “Somehow that does not surprise me. Is Mr. Adams going to sale the bank?”

  “I have no idea. I cannot imagine what this is going to do to Olivia. Perhaps it will in some strange way help.” She wiped the corner of her eyes.

  “For her sake, I hope so.”

  Emily stood and straightened the front of her dress as if she were shaking off the negative thoughts. “Well, future Mrs. Chandler, I have something special to show you.”

  She retrieved a large, white box from the dining room and placed it on the coffee table in front of me. She lifted the lid, setting it aside, and pulled open a mountain of tissue paper. There, underneath it, was a gorgeous ivory, silk gown. Emily pulled the dress out and held it up in front of her. It had a boned, high-neck bodice with large gigot sleeves and a front chiffon insert at the yoke, waist, and cuffs. It had front hook-and-eye closures; and the skirt was gathered at the back that led down to a four-foot train with ivory, silk, lace-trimmed lobster tail bustle. The gown also had a flounced and ruffled petticoat under the hemline and a plain, taffeta slip. It was magnificent. Tucked away in the bottom of the box, Emily pulled out her satin pump shoes that had abalone ornaments on them and two bowed satin stockings.

  “I cannot believe this. It is so elegant and gorgeous.”

  “Want to try it on? I know it will look beautiful on you.”

  With some tugging on the corset and nearly turning blue from holding my breath to get it fastened, the gown was finally on. Despite not being able to breathe, it looked amazing. I twirled around in front of the full-length mirror, looking adoringly at myself. As much I loved my previous wedding gown, it held nothing to the exquisiteness of this one.

  “I love it!” I gushed over and over again. I could not get enough of the sight of myself. I can not wait for Jackson to see me grace this gown on our wedding day.

  “You look so beautiful, Jocelyn. I knew you would.” She beamed.

  “Oh, Mother.” I rushed over and embraced her. “Thank you so much for this. Jackson is going to love it. I know he is.”

  I had to change back into my other attire before Robert came home for the evening and ruined our surprise. I hated retiring the gown back to the box for another couple months to await my beautiful day. I asked Emily to keep the box here so as not to raise suspicion. She agreed and walked me to the door. I thanked and hugged her again for the gown and hurried across the street.

  Olivia was waiting for me in the front room when I arrived. She was all bright and smiles, looking entirely different than she had only yesterday morning.

  “Good afternoon. How were classes today?” She was knitting a pale, yellow blanket for the baby next to the fire. She was the picture of an expecting mother.

  “Good. How was your day Mrs. Timmons?”

  Olivia blushed at the sound of her new name.

  “Lovely. Your mother helped me re-organize William’s room to make space for my things. It feels strange, but wonderful.”

  “I imagine.” I couldn’t wait t
o be able to live with Jackson and wake up beside him every day.

  “It feels strange being here without William.” She said quietly and continued knitting.

  “Why is that? You have been here your entire life and stayed with me countless times.”

  “I know, but it is different now that we are married.”

  Yes, I believed that. “You have been married less than a day.” I sat down in the rocker opposite her and picked up a novel my mother must have been reading earlier and flipped aimlessly through the pages.

  “Are the gentlemen coming home this evening?”

  “No. Wednesday, perhaps.” She held up the blanket to admire her work before she started again.

  “Oh.”

  She leaned in closer to me and whispered, “Do you know what is really odd?”

  “What?”

  “Sleeping next to him last night and waking up beside him this morning.” She giggled. “Your brother is certainly a bed hog.”

  “That I would not know.” I laughed.

  “Have you and Jackson began house-hunting yet?” She sat back in her seat and continued knitting.

  “No. We’re planning on looking later this week during fall recess.”

  “You are going to stay in the area, right?” Anxiety rested on her gaunt face.

  “Yes. Of course.”

  “Wonderful. I was hoping you were going say that. I honestly want you to be close by. I do not know what I would do without you.” She relaxed again over her knitting.

  “Granted, I will no longer be down the hall, but I do not plan on going too far.”

  “I overheard Sarah tell Missy that my parents will be moving soon.” Her head dropped down again.

  “Yes. I heard that as well.” I wished briefly that I could go over there and say my piece to her parents for doing this to her.

  “I believe it will be good for them. They need a fresh start where no one knows what happened and they will no longer feel ashamed of what I have done.” She continued to look down.

  I noticed huge tears fall on the blanket she was creating for her baby and it broke my heart.

  “Olivia, I cannot comprehend what you must be feeling, but I do believe in my heart that you are better off here, surrounded by those who love you, than living in your parent’s estate.” My words did little to give her comfort.

  “I know.”

  I could see the tears falling readily now.

  “I feel horrible for all the pain I have caused them.”

  “I feel they have repaid you for that with everything they have done to you recently. You have nothing to feel guilty about.” The thought disgusted me.

  She barely looked up and whispered softly, “Jocelyn, I have not only shamed my own family but yours as well. I got pregnant out of wedlock. How can you say that?”

  “I understand what happened better than you think I do.”

  She interjected. “You and Jackson would never, have never.”

  “No. Not yet, but I am very aware of and have felt that passion. I know how difficult it is to stop.”

  “You did stop. I did not.”

  Her objection had merit, but not as much as she claimed.

  “True, but only out of fear, not a lack of desire.”

  We sat next to the fire together while she knitted and I completed my schoolwork. We chatted about our friends and people from school. It felt almost as if things between us were on the mend. Yet I realized that our lives would never be the same again. Too much had occurred for us to return to our former selves, but hopefully, the events of the last several weeks would make us stronger, closer.

  I snuggled down into my bed as Mimi closed the door behind her. The fire was dancing lively, filling my room with warmth and a soft hue. I stared at the little, blue box that was still resting upon my mantle.

  In my head I could not easily dismiss those female voices and the imagines I had seen. For some unexplainable reason, they felt as real to me as the quilt covering my body. I loved his gift, but there was no way I was going to touch that thing again. I rolled over on my side and hugged a pillow tightly feeling alone and confused.

  CHAPTER 23

  Monday, October 26, 2009

  AFTER AN HOUR-LONG ARGUMENT with my mother, she finally relented and went to work. She wanted to take the day off work and stay home with me in case I needed anything, which meant she would be hovering over me all day and driving me crazy. I finally agreed to call Emily and asked her if it was okay if I could call her if I needed anything. Of course, she politely agreed and told me to tell my mother she would be more than happy to look in on me.

  I made myself comfortable in the family room with a fuzzy blanket, pillow, hot chocolate and the remote. I searched through the channels until I finally came across some re-run episodes of One Tree Hill.

  Around nine, there was a knock on the sun porch door, and before I could even get up, someone walked into the kitchen.

  “Jocelyn? It is me.” Emily’s voice rang out. “Do not get up, darling.” She walked into the family room all bright and cheery. It was easy to see where Jackson had gotten his disposition. “How are you feeling today?”

  I rolled over to look at her. “Good. And you?”

  “Wonderful.”

  “You look nice today?” Emily was wearing khaki slacks with a mauve-colored shirt and a long, pink cardigan that hung just below her knees. Even her boots were stylish. I only hoped that I could look so amazing when I had three grown children of my own.

  “Oh, thank you.” She sat down in the chair nearest to the sofa. “How is your head feeling?”

  I gave her a small laugh, which broadened her smile.

  “Only hurts a little when I smile or move or talk.”

  “It will get better. Are you going back to school tomorrow?”

  “Wednesday. Jackson is bringing me my homework.”

  “Good. I know you do not want to fall behind.”

  “No, but I also don’t want to go looking like this either.”

  She nodded. “Understandable.”

  “So how do you like living in Chicago?” I thought that perhaps this was the perfect opportunity to get to know her and her family a little better, and I was dying to learn more about Jackson.

  “I am adjusting,” she stated in a soft voice.

  “It must be hard.”

  I honestly hadn’t considered before how difficult this move must be on her. She didn’t work outside the home, so she really didn’t have the opportunity to meet anyone or make new friends. Of course that’s why she’s become so close with our moms, I thought. She’s probably so lonely from leaving her home and her other children and family in Boston.

  “It is. I really miss Boston a lot. I am hoping that Alex and Phoebe will be home for Thanksgiving with their spouses and my grandkids.”

  “I didn’t know you had grandkids.”

  “Yes, three of them. Alex and his wife Leslie have two, Lucinda and Charlie; and Phoebe and Carson just had a little boy, Wallace.” She smiled, “Wally. He is almost a year old and I hate that I am missing it.” Her eyes suddenly looked so sad.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It is all right. It was important to our family to move here, and I cannot let my own selfishness in wanting to be an overbearing grandparent take away from what is best for the family.”

  “You’re a very strong woman, Emily. I’m not sure I could be so graceful.”

  “Of course you could, Jocelyn. When it comes to your husband, there is nothing in the world you would deny him of, especially his dreams of providing a better world for your family.”

  “True.” I knew I would do the same too.

  “Is there anything I can get for you? Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

  “No, thank you. I’m fine.”

  “Well, if you do not mind, can I keep you company at least until lunch? I hate to admit it, but I do get rather bored and lonely in that big house all day.”

  I wasn’t sure if she w
as actually bored or just being a mother and making sure I was okay. Either way, I was more than happy to have some company myself. Besides, Emily wasn’t like everyone else’s mom.

  “Of course, I’d love some company. Would you like some hot chocolate? I just made some, whip cream and everything.” I grinned at her.

  “Sounds wonderful. You fix the hot chocolate and I will build a fire. It is a little chilly in here.”

  “Great.” I got up and headed into the kitchen while Emily started up a fire in the family room.

  In no time at all, the room had warmed up to a very comfortable temperature, and she and I were truly enjoying the company of one another. I questioned her extensively about Jackson’s childhood in Boston, his likes and dislikes, his siblings, anything else I could think of.

  Emily proved to be a knowledgeable informant. I couldn’t imagine my parents knowing so much information about me.

  We spent the afternoon looking through old photo albums from my childhood, which she seemed to actually enjoy. She even ran home for a moment and brought back a photo album stuffed full of memories of Jackson’s younger days. I loved looking at pictures of his life in Boston. There were photos of his early days in football, his first steps — a whole lifetime of firsts that Emily had carefully documented in loving detail.

  I finally drifted off around three or so and woke after six to the most delicious aroma coming from our kitchen. Confused, I got up to investigate, since I knew it couldn’t be my mother in there. Her idea of cooking dinner was something frozen she could bake in the oven for fifty minutes and serve with rolls from a bag and a pre-made salad.

  Sure enough, when I walked into the kitchen, Emily was in there with Jackson and Ethan, cooking a homemade meal.

  “Wow, it smells incredible in here.” I leaned against the doorway.

  “Thank you. I hope your mother does not mind. I sent the boys to the store a little while ago to get some fresh vegetables and a few other things since your mother called earlier and said she would be stuck at the office for a while longer.” Emily was dicing carrots and cucumbers on a chopping block that I didn’t even know we owned.