Off Your Rocker?

by K E Osborn

  I stir to someone playing with the door handle. My head’s pounding and I feel nausea as I hear Colt and Johnny mumbling about why the door is locked. My mouth fills with saliva and I know I’m going to be sick. I stumble out of bed and rush around to the en-suite and make it just in time to throw up into the bowl. I heave heavily and I can’t stop the sounds escaping my mouth as the bottle and a half of champagne comes back up. I can hear a thudding noise, like someone banging on the door, but I can’t stop to think as my gut wrenches and I continue being sick. I hear a crash and I can vaguely hear someone calling my name through my endless heaving. The light flicks on in the en-suite and even though I’m feeling absolutely horrible at the moment, my body surges to life and that current of electricity flows through me when his hand caresses my back.

  “Jesus baby,” he says as he pulls my hair back from my face.

  “Is she okay, Colt?” I hear Johnny ask as another round of heaving starts.

  “I think she’ll be fine once she gets all the alcohol out of her system. How’s Anna?” Colt asks while he squats next to me holding my hair with one hand and rubbing my back with the other.

  “Out cold. I think they’ll both have one hell of a hangover tomorrow,” Johnny chuckles and shuts the en-suite door.

  “Lia, baby, are you with me?” Colt asks as I slump over the toilet bowl feeling more than a little sorry for myself. He’s never around, but the one time he is I’m puking my guts up and drunk out of my brain.

  “Mmm,” I groan as he takes some toilet paper and wipes my mouth for me.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. I know this is my fault,” he says kissing my head as he pulls me into him while we sit on the floor.

  “Why don’t you love me anymore? What did I do?” I blurt out before I can stop myself.

  He shuts his eyes and slowly opens them with a look of pain crossing his face. “Is that what you think?” his voice barely a whisper.

  “No, it’s what I know,” I reply and I try to wriggle from his grip. He holds onto me tightly and I feel those persistent tears creeping up on me again.

  “Lia, you know that’s not true.”

  I continue to struggle against him on the en-suite floor, but I’m just too weak and I end up with him holding me and rocking us back and forth. I don’t know when it started, but my tears are flowing freely and I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m still feeling nausea, and I feel like a part of me is dying right here in his arms.

  “No, I don’t know it Colt, you’re never here. You never touch me anymore. I haven’t kissed you in God knows how long, and you still can’t tell me you love me. So, I’ve finally realised that maybe you don’t love me and that you never have and you never will,” I say through my tears.

  I can feel his chest heaving as I’m cradled against it too weak to move. I hear him exhale as he starts to stroke my hair.

  “Lia, I can’t say it now, you’re drunk and depressed and that’s all my fault. I never want you to ever feel the way you’re feeling right now. I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry,” he says as he kisses my head and I gently cry into his chest. After some time I start feeling sleepy. My crying has subsided and Colt lets me go. He stands up and flushes the toilet then bends down picking me up. My body is heavy as I cling to his neck, my head flops back and I can feel him walking but I’m spacing in and out.

  I wake to find I’m back in the private suite and Colt isn’t next to me as usual. I lift my head and grasp at my pounding head and roll over in the bed to see Colt sitting in a chair watching me intently. The look in his eyes is one of tiredness and anguish. I exhale as I can’t remember much about last night. I remember drinking with Anna until we passed out, me heaving into the toilet and that’s it.

  “Hey,” I say quietly.

  He looks at me and exhales. “Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks sounding distant.

  I go to sit up and my head spins, causing me to take hold of the bed.

  He winces and I straighten myself up and dangle my legs out the side of the bed and sit facing him. He looks so serious. I have a horrible feeling in my gut, because he looks like he’s really angry with me.

  “Um, I’m okay. A little foggy, but I think I’ll live,” I say and he stands abruptly.

  “I have to go and do some things before we get on the jet for France, but I’ll see you onboard?” he asks more of a question, like he’s unsure of whether I’ll be on the jet or not, and that scares the hell out of me.

  I can’t talk all I can do is nod. He half-smiles and walks over and bends down kissing the top of my head, then turns and walks out of the room. I watch as he leaves me, and that sinking feeling in my gut tells me that things are definitely not okay between us.

  Anna’s sitting next to me on the jet. Colt watched me walk on board and I think I saw a glimmer of relief in his eyes as I walked past him and to my usual seat on the jet. Tamara came and gave me my pill as usual and Colt and the guys had meetings with Rob in the office on the jet for the nearly all of the two-hour flight to France. My head’s still sore from last night and Anna isn’t very talkative either, so we just sit next to each other and zone in and out for the entire flight. From the airport, we’re heading straight to The Palais Omnisports de Paris-Bercy for the concert tonight in the typical stretch Hummer. The mood in the car is quiet, almost somber and not many people are talking. It’s nothing like the hype and buzz that surrounded us all at the very start of the tour. Anna and I are sitting in the back and the guys are quietly talking about the upcoming concert tonight. Anna takes my hand and we sit in silence comforting each other without saying a word.

  We arrive at the venue and we all make our way inside. There’s a legion of screaming fans out the front as we drive past and I make a mental note not to take my sunglasses off as we exit the car. I don’t need them seeing my red puffy eyes against my pale face. The car pulls up and Anna and I get out, both leaving our sunglasses on and we walk together inside not waiting for anyone else. We make our way to the door marked Slayettes and we walk over to the lounge and both flop down and exhale as the other girls walk in. I take off my sunglasses and put them on top of my head leaning back into the lounge. Everyone else is chatting and getting excited for the show, but I can’t help but feel an impending sense of doom. Sia walks in and spots us. She huffs and walks over sitting in-between us.

  “Right, you two. You need to cheer the fuck up ‘cause you’re bringing the boys down. Colt doesn’t even want to do the show tonight, and you both look like you’re dead and about to start decaying at any second,” Sia says slapping us both on our knees.

  “It’s okay for you. You get to see your husband every day, Mamma. We just miss our guys. I know this is part of it, but would one day just for us every now and then be such a bad thing? They look like they’re running themselves ragged and I’m worried that this is going to come crashing down on us all,” Anna says and I nod in agreement.

  “I know it’s hard to have them gone for so long, but it’s only three and a half more months and then we break for a while and you can have them all to yourselves. Stop being selfish and let the boys live their dream,” she replies.

  For the first time since I met Sia I actually want to bitch slap her.

  Hard.

  I frown and she gets up and goes to walk out of the room.

  “Oh and girls, you’re meant to be in the band’s room not with the groupies, so c’mon. Come and show your guys that you support them,” she says walking out of the room.

  I look at Anna and she shrugs. We stand up and walk toward the band’s dressing room. I feel nervous, like I’m going somewhere I don’t belong. We walk into the room and Johnny looks up and smiles at Anna. He walks over and picks her up twirling her around, and for the first time in days I hear Anna giggle as he puts her back down and leans in kissing her passionately. I smile at them and I can’t help but look around to see that Colt isn’t in here. I wrap my arms around myself and make my way to the back of the room and grab a coke out of
the fridge. Dingo walks up and pats me on the shoulder and nods, like he’s giving me sympathy or something. He swallows a lump in his throat and walks over to Sia.

  What the hell was that about?

  I hear some laughter coming from the hallway and I look toward the door and see Colt walk in with Jessi hanging off his arm. I swallow a lump as he notices me and takes his arm away from her. She looks over and smirks leaning on her toes and kissing Colt on the cheek.

  “Thanks Colt, that was amazing,” she says and then straightens out her top and tussles her hair like it’s just been messed up by a round of raunchy romping.

  I feel sick. Like I actually want to vomit. I can feel my body tense as he looks at me and starts shaking his head as I inadvertently start stepping backwards away from him.

  How could he do this to me?

  And with her?

  How long’s this been going on for behind my back?

  I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. I can’t hear anything except for a ringing in my ears. I realise I’m breathing so fast that I think I’m hyperventilating. My back meets the wall and slide down it to the floor. I can’t focus on anything, my head is spinning.

  Colt and Jessi.

  Jessi and Colt.

  No wonder he’s not sleeping with me, when he has her. I slam my palm into my forehead and keep hitting myself hard, so at least I can feel something, anything, but the pain that’s ripping through my heart right now. There’s a commotion going on around me, but I’m not paying any attention. I feel someone pull my hand away from my head to stop me from hitting myself. I burst into tears and start to rock back and forth.

  “He never loved me,” I scream as I start to bang the back of my head against the wall.

  “Lia,” I hear, but I don’t take any notice.

  “Lia,” someone yells, but I can’t think, I can’t feel. I think this is it – breaking point.

  Slap.

  Someone slaps me hard across the face. I stop banging my head against the wall and my eyes clear and focus on Anna who’s looking at me with tears in her eyes.

  “Lia, hun. C’mon snap out of it,” she exclaims as I start to calm down. The room is empty except for Anna and as my breathing starts to slow down, my heart breaks all over again.

  “Lia, talk to me,” Anna says as she rubs my cheek where she slapped.

  I look at her and shake my head. “He never loved me,” I whisper as I take in short breaths.

  “Sweetie, if you saw how he reacted just then you’d know that he does,” she says and I shake my head and my bottom lip quivers.

  “If he loves me then why isn’t he here telling me why he’s fucking her?” I ask as she sits down next to me and puts her arm around my shoulders and pulls me to her tightly.

  “I don’t think he’s fucking Jessi. I don’t know for sure, but I highly doubt it. What I don’t doubt is that he cares about you. Lia, it took Hux, Dingo and Johnny to get him out of here when you were panicking. The only reason he’s not here is because they needed to be on stage, which is where he is now, but he wasn’t going to do it. He wanted to stay and make sure you were okay, but I told him to give you some space and to talk to you after the concert. He couldn’t keep his fans waiting any longer and you needed to come back down to earth and we didn’t know how long that was going to take. As it is the guys are about half way through their set now and you’re still not fully with me, are you?”

  I can feel my heart rate decreasing and my breathing slow back to normal. I turn and look at Anna, she wipes the tears away from my cheeks and exhales loudly.

  “I know you’re struggling hun, but if it makes you feel any better, he is too,” she says as Sia walks in and looks at us.

  “How’s she doing?” she asks and Anna puts her hand out waving it from side to side in a so, so gesture.

  “I’m okay,” I say and Sia smiles at me, nods and hurries back out the door.

  “You think you can get up?” Anna asks and I nod as she lets go of me.

  “I’m sorry for falling apart like that.” Anna stands and then places her hands out to help pull me up. I place my hands in hers and she pulls as I push off the ground. I feel horrible. I’m so exhausted.

  “Hey, if that was Johnny walking in like that with her, I would’ve reacted exactly the same. Do you want to go and watch the end of the show? I know Colt will be happy to see you there?” she asks looking at me with her brows furrowed.

  “I’ll come back stage, but I’ll stand out of the way. He doesn’t need to be distracted,” I reply as she takes my hand and we start to walk out of the dressing room. We move toward the back of the stage and the music is good, but Colt’s singing is off. He doesn’t sound bad, his voice could never be bad, but he sounds sad, like there’s no life in his voice and that makes me feel horrible. His fans are suffering because of me.

  I stand right at the back as Anna walks over to the side of the stage and smiles then waves to I’m assuming Johnny. I lean up against a railing and I’m looking down at the ground scuffing my converse and generally moping around. An arm wraps around my shoulders and I look up to see Jarred next to me. I roll my eyes and shrug out of his grip.

  “Hey c’mon I’m just trying to help you out,” he states.

  I scowl at him. “Since when do you ever want to help anyone but yourself?” I snap, now my somber mood is somehow being replaced with anger.

  “Lia look, I like you. You’re a cool chick, but you should know that Colt’s starting to let you go. Think about it, he’s spending more time with the band and their agent than with you. You need to wake up and smell the roses hun because you’re losing him. You should just cut your losses and run before he does it to you. I mean you never really thought it was the real deal with him did you?” he asks and my heart constricts and implodes on itself.

  He’s right. I look up at Jarred and nod and turn around and walk out of the building and through the back doors to the street. I feel broken. I should have never have agreed to go to Colt’s concert after Joseph left me. I walk across the road and hail a taxi cab. It takes me to the Hyatt where I check in and make my way to our personal suite. I collect my luggage that’s been brought up here along with Colt’s. I sit down on the edge of the bed and stare at our suitcases sitting next to each other. I feel numb. I feel like I should be crying, but nothing’s coming out. I feel like I should be feeling something.

  Anger?

  Hate?

  Resentment?

  I don’t know, but I don’t feel any of it. All I feel is love, and a deep sadness that I’m about to walk away from it. I sit staring at the cases for what seems like ages. I’m almost in a dreamlike state when I’m startled by my mobile phone ringing. I pull it out of my pocket and see that Anna is calling. Beautiful, gorgeous Anna. I’ll miss her so much, and I hope we can still keep in contact and maybe catch up when she’s back in London. I sigh and put the phone on the bed and let it ring out. There’s silence in the room for a few seconds and then my phone rings again. I look down and it’s Anna again. I shake my head and let it ring out.

  Silence.

  I’m startled a third time by Anna calling again. I roll my eyes and huff, picking up the phone and sliding across the face to connect. I put the phone up to my ear and exhale.

  “Lia, are you there?” she says sounding panicked.

  “I’m here,” I reply.

  She exhales with the sound of relief. “Oh, thank God, where are you?”

  “I’m going home Anna,” I say, my voice completely void of emotion.

  “What do you mean?”

  “He doesn’t need me or want me. I was kidding myself thinking that he could love me. I’m such an idiot,” I say as I stand up and walk over to my luggage taking the handle in my free hand and pulling it off the bench.

  “Hey, you are not an idiot, Lia—”

  “Where is she? Is that her?” I hear Colt screaming in the background.

  The phone sounds muffled and then Anna com
es back on the line. “Lia, you love Colt, you know you do and deep down in your heart you know he loves you too. Are you really just going to throw that all away? Are you going to let Jessi win and get her hands on the one person you love most in this world?”

  “If he wants Jessi then he’s welcome to her. I’m done. I don’t want sloppy seconds or thirds or thousands, or however many times he’s had her. They’ll be great together,” I say and hang up the phone. I pace the floor as my anger boils over. I’m infuriated, and all I want to do is to break something. My breathing is quick and shallow as I pace the floor.

  “Ahhhhhh,” I scream at the top of my lungs. I walk over to the television remote and pick it up and throw it as hard as I can against the wall. It smashes in half and I get a small thrill from seeing it break and tinkle in parts down to the floor.

  I want more.

  I walk over to the bedside lamp, pick it up and throw it hard against the wall. It shatters and a small laugh escapes me. I think I’m going insane! This must be what it feels like when you finally go crazy. I want to go big and my eyes focus on the plasma television sitting on the shelf. I smile, walk over to it and pull it off the bench watching it smash onto the floor. I laugh, hard, so hard that tears fall down my cheeks. I’m seriously losing the plot. I look around the room at the destruction I’ve caused.

  How can one guy make me feel this way at the thought of losing him?

  I sit down on the bed and wipe my eyes. Then the realisation hits me.

  I have to fight!

  I love him, the thought of losing him makes me crazy, literally. How can I give up on him? I pick up my phone and dial Anna. She answers on the second ring.

  “Lia, where are you? Are you okay?” She sounds panicked.

  “I’m okay, I’ll meet you at the club for the after party,” I say and hang up. I pull my sweater off and walk to my luggage and open the case. I pull out that ‘special dress’ I bought just for Colt. The little black, one shoulder, shorter than should be legal, sparkly dress. If Jessi wants my man, then I’m going to fight damn hard to keep him. I pull off my converse and jeans and put the dress on. It still fits like a glove and I walk into the en-suite to do something with my hair and face.