Call Waiting

by Dianne Blacklock

  “What, he doesn’t want to come back?”

  “I don’t know what he wants. He doesn’t tell me anything.”

  “Well, have you asked him?”

  Meg shrugged. “I can’t.”

  “Why can’t you?”

  “Because I was the one in the wrong. I can’t go making demands.”

  “Who said anything about making demands? Just talk to him.”

  Meg looked at her uncertainly. “He doesn’t seem to want to.”

  Ally didn’t know what to say.

  “You’re taking all the blame for this, Meg,” she said after a while. “And fine, you did something wrong. But surely it’s not unforgivable. I mean, there’s a lot of his ego tied up in this.”

  Meg just looked at her.

  “To leave his wife and child…”

  “He hasn’t left Harrison. Chris would never leave him.”

  Ally felt a chill in her heart. No, he wouldn’t, would he?

  They heard noises on the back deck, and then Chris and Harrison appeared at the door to the family room.

  “Harrison! Hello sweetheart!” Meg walked through to greet her son. She picked him up and turned around to Ally. “Look who’s here? Give Ally a kiss, Harry.”

  He leaned toward her to receive her kiss, then turned back to his mother. “Ice bok, Mama?”

  Ally glanced across at Chris as Meg took Harrison into the kitchen.

  “How are you, Chris?” she asked, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek.

  “Fine, thanks.” He looked awkward in his own house. It made Ally feel sad.

  “I was thinking about collecting the rest of my boxes today, Matt’s brought the truck.”

  “So, finally,” said Meg, “the move becomes permanent.”

  “No,” Ally denied. “It’s not that. I’d just like to have all my things in the one place.”

  Meg looked at her.

  “I could still be back for the start of the next school year.”

  As soon as she said the words out loud, Ally knew that was never going to happen. She couldn’t imagine herself back in front of a class. So at least that was one option she could strike off the list she hadn’t written yet.

  “You’re not serious?” Meg frowned. “And leave your business?”

  “It’s not really a business. I have one job, that’s it. It could all dry up after that.”

  “But I bet you’ll get a lot of work from that magazine article.”

  Ally nodded. “Well, if that happens, it’s just as likely to be here in Sydney.”

  “Why would you want to come back?” asked Chris. “People dream of living away from it all, if they just had a way to support themselves. I think you’ve got it made down there.”

  Meg looked at him curiously. “Do you?”

  He glanced at her and shrugged. “Sure.”

  “It’s not everything it’s cracked up to be,” Ally remarked.

  The doorbell rang. She looked at her watch. “Oh, that’s probably Matt. I’ll get it!”

  She dashed up the hall, opened the door and stepped around it, so they couldn’t be seen from inside the house.

  “Hi,” said Matt, leaning forward to kiss her. She offered him her cheek.

  “Listen, I haven’t said anything to Meg, so, you know,” she shrugged. “Let’s keep it low-key.”

  “You didn’t even tell Meg?” he said, disbelief in his voice.

  “Think about it, Matt, it’s not exactly the best time for her.”

  “Are we going to keep this up when we get back home?”

  “Can we not go into this now?” Ally pleaded. “Come inside, they’ll be wondering what’s happened to us.”

  He followed her down the hall to the kitchen.

  “Hi Matt!” Meg said expansively, kissing him like they were old friends. “You haven’t met my, um, my husband, Chris.”

  “How are you, Chris,” said Matt, offering his hand.

  “Can I get you a coffee?” Meg asked.

  “No, I haven’t long finished one. Thanks anyway.”

  Ally was relieved. No cozy little chats around the table.

  “So, Ally was saying you were out with your daughter today?”

  Matt nodded. “Shopping. I promised her I’d buy her some clothes for summer.”

  “What a nice dad.”

  “Mm.” Matt smiled ruefully. “A nice dad, with a clapped-out Visa card.”

  Harrison toddled in from the family room with the remains of his ice-block.

  “Hello, who’s this?” Matt asked, crouching down.

  “I Harry!” he said brightly.

  “I’ve heard a lot about you, Harry!”

  Chris stepped between them with a wet cloth. “And you don’t want to get any closer until I clean him up!”

  “Matt, I was hoping to take a few boxes back with me today. Is that okay?”

  “Sure,” he said standing up. “The truck must be a mile away though, I couldn’t park any closer.”

  Chris picked up his keys. “Well, if you want to go and get it, I’ll open the garage and you can pull into the driveway. It’ll be easier to load the boxes that way.”

  “Matt’s got a truck, Harrison!” said Meg.

  “Tchuck!” Harrison exclaimed.

  “Do you want to come and see my truck, Harry?” said Matt.

  “Harry see tchuck, Mama!”

  “Can I give him a ride back here?” he said to Meg.

  “Sure! Harry, you want to go for a ride in the truck?”

  Harrison squealed, clapping his hands. Matt held his arms out and Harrison walked straight to him. He picked him up and followed Chris up the hall.

  “We won’t be long.”

  Meg handed Ally a mug of coffee.

  “So, let me see. Handsome, charming,” she started counting off on her fingers, “great with kids…”

  Ally rolled her eyes. “Give it a rest, Meg.”

  “I just don’t understand you, Ally!”

  “I’m going out to help.”

  * * *

  Half an hour later Meg and Chris stood apart at the front of the house, waving Ally and Matt off as the truck disappeared up the street and around the corner. Harrison wrested out of Chris’s arms, and he set him down on the footpath.

  “Come on, Dadda,” Harrison insisted, pulling on his hand. “Make a cubby!”

  “No Harry, not now,” Chris explained gently. “Daddy has to go.”

  Harrison’s face fell. “No Daddy go!”

  Meg watched as Chris crouched down to his son’s level. “We’ll make cubbies next time,” he assured him. “Give Daddy a kiss goodbye.”

  Harrison pouted furiously. “No Daddy go!” he cried, lurching at Chris and burying his head into his chest. He started to pound at him with his little fists clenched.

  “Harry, don’t hurt Daddy.”

  “Come in for a while,” Meg broke in. “It’s not fair on him. He doesn’t understand.”

  Chris looked up at her briefly, and then put his arms around Harrison and stood up. “Okay, calm down, Harry,” he soothed, rubbing his back. “We’ll build a cubby now, but only if you stop crying.”

  Harrison lifted his head to look at his father. Chris got a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his nose and cheeks. Harrison twisted around to look at Meg.

  “Daddy build a cubby, Mama!” he said happily.

  They went inside the house, and Chris carried Harrison out to the family room. Meg stood in the kitchen, listening to them play, wondering if she should try to join in. She had no idea what Chris wanted, he didn’t seem inclined to talk to her, but he looked so sad all the time. She wished she knew how to reach him.

  After a while Chris came out to the kitchen. Meg was preparing Harrison’s dinner.

  “He seems alright now,” he told her.

  Meg nodded. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” she asked tentatively.

  He looked embarrassed. “Um, no, I don’t think so.”

  “Can
I get you a drink? Coffee, a beer…?”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  She stared down at the chopping board, pretending to concentrate on slicing a carrot.

  “I should go,” he said quietly.

  “Chris—”

  “Mm?”

  Meg took a breath. “Um, before, when Ally was here, you said that you thought she had it made, living away from the city…”

  He watched her, waiting.

  “Did you really mean that?”

  “Sure, of course.”

  “Is that something you’d like to do?”

  Chris shrugged. “I suppose so, in the right circumstances.”

  And these were hardly the right circumstances, Meg realized, her heart sinking.

  “What do you want, Chris?”

  He was clearly taken aback by her directness, and he stared down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. Meg hated the awkwardness, but she’d said it now, she couldn’t take it back.

  Chris cleared his throat and looked up. “I’d like to turn the clock back a few months.”

  “We can’t do that.”

  His eyes were filled with sadness. “No, I guess we can’t,” he sighed.

  They stood there, locked inside their own pain, unable to connect.

  “I have to go,” she heard him say. She wanted to explain that they couldn’t go backward, they had to move forward if they were going to survive. But he was gone before Meg could gather her thoughts.

  * * *

  Ally must have drifted off to sleep eventually, weary from her hike around Sydney. The next thing she knew, they were climbing the steep road up Mt. Gibraltar.

  “Hi,” Matt said quietly. “You were passed out.”

  Ally just smiled lamely at him and stretched her arms out in front of her, yawning. They pulled up outside the cottage and Matt switched off the engine.

  “Come on, I’ll help you with the boxes.”

  She unlocked the door and went through into the bedroom to make space.

  “Where do you want me to put these?” Matt had two boxes balanced on top of each other.

  Ally moved a chair out of the way. “If we just stack them here against the wall, that’s probably the best place.”

  She followed him out to the truck, and picked up a box, carrying it back into the flat.

  “There’s only a couple more after these,” Matt said, behind her. “I’ll get them.”

  Ally noticed the light on her answering machine flashing, and flicked it on.

  “Hello Ally. Bryce here. Call me ASAP.”

  Matt walked in with a couple more boxes, setting them down.

  “That’s it.”

  “Bryce again, Ally. Did you get my last message? Call me, I have some news.”

  “What’s that about?” said Matt.

  Ally shrugged. “Who knows?”

  “Ally, don’t you ever turn on your mobile? Call me as soon as you hear this!”

  “Do you want a drink?” said Ally, noticing Matt wiping his forehead with the back of his arm.

  “Just water thanks.”

  “Hi Ally, it’s Nic. I’m ringing to see if you’re home yet? Oh, so I guess you’re not. Well, now I feel stupid, I’m actually talking to no one. Or am I? You’re sure you’re not there? Well, you would be now, if you’re listening to this, but it’s not like now, as I’m saying it, it’s like the now that it is when you’re playing it back. Well anyway, call me.”

  Matt grinned as Ally handed him a glass of water.

  “Mad as a cut snake, that girl.”

  “Ally, Bryce again. So you don’t leave your mobile on, or answer your messages? You’re going to have to smarten up if you want to have a successful business. Which, by the way, you will have, thanks to me.”

  Ally wondered what he was talking about. She leaned back against the kitchen bench, listening.

  “I’ve dropped your name to a developer, he’s just acquired an Art Deco block in Manly. Well, several actually. But I’ll explain all that later. He wants to meet you! I said I’d find you something in Sydney, didn’t I? This is a great opportunity, Ally, it’ll get you out of the backwaters once and for all. Now, will you finally call me!”

  There was a long beep and the machine cut out. It was the last message. Ally looked across at Matt. He was staring at her, the confusion obvious in his eyes. The silence was excruciating.

  “It’s not the way it sounds,” she said in a small voice.

  “Why? How does it sound to you?” he said, leaning against a doorjamb.

  “I don’t even know what he’s talking about.”

  Matt sighed audibly. “You’ve obviously had contact recently.”

  “Bryce rang when he saw me in the magazine.” Ally strained, trying to remember what he had said to her. “That’s all it’s about. He just wants to bathe in a bit of borrowed glory.”

  “Well, whatever,” Matt shrugged. “This is exactly what you were hoping for—more exposure, the chance to work wherever you wanted.”

  Ally looked at him. His jaw was clenched.

  “I didn’t know he was going to arrange anything like this.”

  “What?” he said curtly. “When he said he’d get you ‘out of the backwaters,’ didn’t that give you a hint?”

  “That’s just the way Bryce talks.”

  Matt put his glass down on the table and turned toward the front door. Then he swung around again. “I just wish you’d said something … before…”

  “What?” Ally urged.

  “Before last night.”

  “Why? I didn’t know what Bryce was up to.”

  He looked at her darkly. “This explains what was going on today. Why you didn’t want to tell anyone. Leaving your options open.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Yeah, well neither is this,” he barked.

  Ally sighed. What did he expect from her? “Look, I don’t even know what the issue is here. So what if I take a job in Sydney?”

  He glared at her. “Are you for real?”

  “I’ve never said I wanted to live down here forever. I’ve been honest.”

  “So that was honest last night?”

  She thought for a moment. “Yes.”

  “Well, then it meant a hell of a lot more to me than it did to you.”

  “I didn’t promise anything last night, Matt,” Ally said calmly. “I told you I don’t even know if I believe in love.”

  “That’s bullshit.”

  “No it’s not!” Ally returned shrilly. Now she was getting angry. “It’s alright for you, Matt. You grew up surrounded by people who loved you. You never had to wonder every night when you went to sleep if there would be anyone there the next morning.”

  “James would never have left you.”

  “But I didn’t know that.”

  “Come off it, Ally.”

  “I was only a child.”

  “Well then, when are you going to grow up?” he cried.

  Ally looked at him, startled. “What?”

  “I said grow up, Ally!” he repeated angrily. “Yes, your mother abandoned you, and that was tough, and you didn’t deserve it. But you had grandparents who loved you and looked after you. Why are you still harping about it? It was bloody more than thirty years ago. Let it go.”

  She wrapped her cardigan tightly across her body, folding her arms. “Well, thanks for understanding, Matt.” Her mouth had gone dry, and her voice sounded strangled.

  “Ally, I’ve watched you get eaten away over this.” His tone softened. “You’re making your whole life miserable. You don’t get close to people, you don’t trust anyone. You’re becoming exactly what you feared.”

  She looked at him, waiting for what he was going to say next.

  “Maybe you are turning into your mother after all. You keep running away from the people who care about you the most.”

  Ally felt like she’d just been thumped in the chest.

  “You should talk!” she spat, her voice wav
ering.

  He frowned at her. “What?”

  “Lecturing me on running away! After what you did to Sharyn?”

  “I told you why I left her.”

  “But why did you leave Beck? She hadn’t done anything to you, she was only a baby.”

  He dragged his hand through his hair. “You don’t understand.”

  “Oh yes I do,” Ally sneered. “Do you think you’re the only man whose wife ever had an affair? That you’re something special? There had to be something pretty wrong with your relationship for her to turn to someone else.”

  “Maybe you need to be in the same position before you judge.”

  “Well, I was in the same position, Matt,” Ally’s voice rose hysterically. “My mother left me not just once, but twice. Do you know what that does to you? It rips your heart out and leaves a great big gaping hole inside. You don’t feel anything. And after a while you can’t feel anything. Even if you want to.”

  He breathed out heavily. “This isn’t about me anymore.”

  “It is! You did the same thing to your own daughter,” Ally cried. “I would never leave a child of mine. No matter what!”

  “There was more to it.” Matt turned away, looking out the window, his back to her.

  “Oh really?” she taunted. “More than your fucking fragile male ego?”

  He swung around. “Yes!” He was almost shouting. “I found her with a woman, okay?”

  Ally caught her breath. “What?”

  “The someone else was another woman.”

  Ally just stood there. Matt turned his back to her. She watched his shoulders heaving as he caught his breath.

  He turned halfway around to look at her. “You see, Ally, you’re not the only one who’s ever been rejected and felt worthless. I haven’t been able to trust another woman since then. Until now.” He took a few steps toward the door. “But you don’t want to be loved. You want to push everyone away while you keep licking your wounds and feeling sorry for yourself.”

  He walked out, slamming the door behind him. A moment later she heard his truck start up and drive off.

  Ally stood there, conscious of every breath she took, because every breath hurt her chest. She didn’t push everyone away. Did she?

  She walked dazed into the bedroom. She got down on her knees and pulled a box out from under the bed. It was the one she had brought from Circle’s End. She opened it and sifted through, picking out photographs.