Call Waiting

by Dianne Blacklock

  Ally sat on the bed and stared at the pictures. She looked at the laughing little girl on her grandfather’s shoulders. Then at the teenager. Such a hard expression for such a young girl. Ally thought of Beck, the way she beamed at Matt. She scanned the photo of her mother, defiantly staring back at the camera. There was a harshness in her green eyes, just like Ally’s. She looked up and saw herself in the mirror. But the image blurred as tears filled her eyes. Ally sobbed, feeling more tears welling in her throat. She turned around and lay on the bed, curling her legs up and clutching the photographs to her chest.

  Monday morning

  The phone was ringing incessantly. Why wasn’t the machine picking it up? Ally staggered out to the living room and reached for the receiver.

  “Hello?” she croaked.

  “Are you only just getting out of bed?” It was Bryce. “I’m seriously starting to wonder if you can handle the pressures of a business, Ally.”

  “Bryce, I’ve been away all weekend, that’s why I didn’t return your calls.”

  “Okay then. Can you make lunch on Wednesday?”

  Ally sat down on the couch. Lunch. Wednesday. She didn’t even know what day it was today.

  “Give me a minute,” she said, clearing her throat.

  “Paul Silvestri is very keen to meet you, I wouldn’t want to put him off.”

  “Paul who?”

  “Silvestri. Didn’t I mention his name on the phone? Well, he’s the developer. This is the big time, Ally. He’s bought up just about every Art Deco block of apartments with water views in Manly for the last two years. He wants to give them a signature style and release them on the market all at the same time. He’s hoping to lure people from the inner city and the eastern suburbs across the harbor.”

  Ally’s brain finally caught up with the conversation. “It sounds like an awfully big job, Bryce. I don’t know if I could handle it.”

  “Ally!” he admonished. “Remember what I always used to say? ‘If it’s to be, it’s up to me.’”

  She groaned inwardly.

  “If you’re prepared to face the music, Ally, one day you might lead the band.”

  Spare me. It was too early in the morning for this.

  “Now, we’re meeting for lunch at the Harborside. Come on, I know you love the water. One o’clock Wednesday. What do you say?”

  Ally paused, thinking.

  “I don’t know why you’re hesitating,” Bryce continued. “You couldn’t seriously be considering staying down there? You always hated it!”

  “That’s true. But…”

  “But what, Ally?” he said impatiently.

  She wanted to say she had her reasons. But she didn’t know what they were anymore.

  “Be like the turtle,” said Bryce.

  “What?”

  “He never got anywhere until he stuck his neck out.”

  Oh good grief. She had to get him off the phone. “Okay. I’ll see you Wednesday.”

  “That’s one sharp, Ally! Don’t be late. This is Sydney, remember, not Green Acres. Time is precious. And for God’s sake, bring your mobile phone with you. And turn it on!”

  Ally hung up the phone as a knock sounded at the door. She got up to open it.

  “Ally! Bloody hell, you look awful!”

  “Thanks, Nic.”

  “Did you sleep in those clothes?”

  Ally looked down at herself. “Apparently.”

  “Are you alright?”

  She looked at Nic’s worried face. “Why, do I look sick?”

  “I’ve just spoken to Matt.”

  “Oh? What did he have to say?” Ally crossed to the kitchen and filled up the kettle.

  “Not a lot. But he looked nearly as bad as you do. And when I asked him how your weekend was, he said I should ask you.”

  Ally plugged the kettle in and turned around to face Nic, folding her arms. She might as well just say it.

  “We slept together, and then we had a huge fight, which is just as well really, it would never have worked out. So now I’m going to Sydney for a job.”

  Nic’s jaw almost dropped to the floor. “What?”

  “Which part didn’t you get?”

  Nic pulled out a chair and sat down. “None of it. Say it again, slowly.”

  “We slept together—”

  “Okay, stop right there,” Nic said, holding up her hand. “How did that happen?”

  Ally sighed. “It just did. How does it ever happen?”

  She looked thoughtful. “God, I thought you two were well and truly past it, that you were friends and that was it.”

  “If we were smart, we would have left it at that.”

  “So you think it was a mistake? Like a lapse or something?”

  Ally thought about the other night, on the dance floor, and later, entwined in his arms. She didn’t like to think of it as a mistake. She shrugged.

  “Because if that’s all it is, then you don’t need to be packing up and running off to Sydney!”

  Ally looked at the hopeful expression on Nic’s face. The kettle started to whistle.

  “Do you want tea?”

  She nodded, and Ally took two cups from the cupboard, then reached for the tea canister. “I hope a bag will do?”

  She made the tea and placed a cup down on the table in front of Nic. Ally sat opposite, fiddling with the tea bag, avoiding Nic’s gaze.

  “Ally?”

  “Mm?”

  “Why are you going to Sydney?”

  Ally sighed. “Look, nothing’s definite. There’s the offer of some work, that’s all.”

  “But you’ve got work here.”

  “A little. This is something much bigger. It would be solid work for a year or so, I reckon. And it could lead to a lot more.”

  Nic sighed heavily. “You never really wanted to stay down here, did you?”

  Ally considered her for a moment and shook her head. “I never intended to stay this long. And then one thing led to another, and here I am, still. Drifting along. It’s about time I started making some decisions about what I really want to do with my life.”

  “And Matt’s not part of that?”

  Ally felt a twinge. “I think maybe we want different things.”

  “Do you love him?”

  She realized she couldn’t say no outright. “I don’t know.”

  “Because,” Nic said tentatively, “if you love someone, you make decisions together, you compromise. Like me and Rob.”

  “Well then, maybe I don’t love him, because I don’t think I can do that.”

  Tuesday, 7 a.m.

  Ally stopped the car in front of the gates to Matt’s property. She hesitated. She had allowed plenty of time to catch him before he went to work, but now she was half hoping he’d already left. Coward.

  She got out to open the gate. As she drove the car through, she wondered if she needed to close the gates again. She wouldn’t be here long. But then she remembered the dogs. For some ridiculous reason that brought a lump to her throat. God, how was she going to get through this?

  She closed the gates and got back in the car, driving slowly along the dusty track. There hadn’t been much rain lately, there was no sign of water as the car dipped across the path of the stream.

  Ally looked ahead and her heart leaped into her mouth. Matt’s truck had just come into view, rounding the small grove of wattles. They both stopped. She couldn’t see his face clearly, they were still too far apart.

  She realized the truck was inching forward, so she did the same. It felt like an hour passed before they pulled up, almost nose to nose. She could see Matt’s face now, but she couldn’t work out his expression.

  He was getting out of the truck. Ally fumbled with the door handle and stepped out. He leaned against the hood, watching her. She closed the door of her car and walked slowly toward him.

  “Hi.” He was the first one to speak.

  She swallowed. “Hi.”

  They stood there for a while, lookin
g at each other and looking away. Ally couldn’t remember all the things she wanted to say, that she had rehearsed so carefully. It had all flown out of her head.

  “I, um, wanted to catch you before you left. I wasn’t sure where you’d be today.”

  “I’ll be all over the place.”

  Ally nodded.

  “Where are you off to?” he said eventually.

  “Sorry?”

  “Well, you’re not dressed for work.”

  Ally glanced down at herself. “Um, no.” Words seemed to stick in her throat.

  “You’re going to Sydney?”

  She nodded. “Just for a couple of nights. I’m staying up at Meg’s.”

  He was watching her, waiting for her to say more. She really needed to say more.

  “I’m meeting with the developer,” she blurted.

  “I gathered that.”

  Ally stood, wringing her hands together.

  “If that’s all you came to tell me,” he said carefully, “I really should get going. I need to tie up some loose ends today. I want to get on to the Callen house tomorrow.”

  “Oh, the window?”

  He nodded.

  This was just getting harder. “Thanks for that.” She took a deep breath. “I just didn’t want to leave things, you know, the way they were.”

  There, she’d said it.

  “How was that?”

  God, couldn’t he throw her a line?

  “Um, you know.” She shrugged. Then she met his gaze directly. “Matt, I don’t want to fight with you.”

  He sighed audibly. “Me either.”

  They stood for a while, not speaking.

  “Can I ask you something?” Ally said eventually, looking up at him.

  Matt nodded.

  “Do you really think I’m like my mother?”

  “Ally, I didn’t even know your mother.”

  “Neither did I.” She looked plaintively at him. “You said I push people away. Do you think I pushed my grandfather away?”

  “I had no right to say those things to you, Ally. It’s none of my business.”

  Ally stared down at the ground. “Maybe someone needed to say them.” She thought for a moment. “I never wanted to hurt people like my mother did.”

  “It’s not that, Ally. I…”

  She looked up at him, expectant.

  Matt breathed out heavily. “Sometimes I can see so much suspicion in your eyes, like you’re just waiting for somebody to let you down.”

  She swallowed, clasping her arms around herself.

  “It’s pretty hard to get past. It might have been hard for your grandfather.”

  She brushed a tear away from the corner of her eye, nodding. “Fair enough,” she said quietly.

  “I know how you feel,” his voice was gentle. “At first I thought it made me less of a man because of what Sharyn did. But it wasn’t about me at all.” He paused. “Same with your mother, Ally. You were only a child. It didn’t mean that you didn’t deserve to be loved, just because she didn’t know how to be your mother.”

  Now tears filled her eyes. Matt reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. He passed it to her and she wiped them away.

  “How did you get so wise?” Ally asked after a while.

  “I don’t know about wise, I was a mess for ages.” Matt shrugged, smiling faintly. “In a pathetic attempt to prove my manhood, I worked as a laborer, a rigger, anything blokey. And I slept with any woman who so much as looked sideways at me.” He shook his head, remembering. “I did a lot of drinking, a lot of spitting.”

  They smiled at each other.

  “What I realized eventually was that the only thing that would make me a man was to come back and be a father to Rebecca.” He paused. “You have to work out what’s going to make you whole, Ally.”

  They stood for a while in silence, wrapped in their own thoughts.

  “I have to go,” Ally said eventually.

  He nodded. “I know.”

  She paused. “It’s just, they’re expecting me.”

  “I know you have to do this,” Matt said quietly, taking a step toward her. “And I want you to be happy.”

  She couldn’t look at him. She glanced at the car. “Do you want me to get out of the way?”

  He shook his head. “No, you go. I’ll wait here.”

  He brought his hand up to her face and leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek. He lingered for a moment, his face close to hers.

  “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

  * * *

  Ally drove along the road toward Bowral, trembling. Tears filled her eyes, making the road ahead hazy. She blinked until they were streaming down her cheeks.

  After she had been driving for about ten minutes, she pulled up at the gates to Bowral Cemetery. She hadn’t been back since Lillian’s burial. She’d never been back to her grandfather’s grave. She drove slowly through the gates and pulled over, switching off the engine.

  There was no one around. It was only seven-thirty, she didn’t expect there would be. She found a tissue in her bag and wiped her eyes. She picked up the small sprig of flowers she had brought with her. Rosemary for remembrance, lavender for love, thyme for healing. Something like that anyway. Nan knew all about herbs and their folklore. Ally wasn’t sure if she had it right, but it was close enough.

  She wandered along the paths. She couldn’t remember exactly where he was buried, she’d been in a bit of a daze that day. And it had been so crowded.

  She spotted a new headstone, in the older section. There it was, right next to Nan’s. She should have remembered that. They used to come and tend her grave at least once a month. Ally stooped to pull out a dandelion that had grown through a crack in the stone.

  She looked at James’s headstone. Ally remembered Lillian checking the wording with her, but she had only given it a cursory glance at the time.

  Beloved husband of Margaret

  Loving father of Jennifer

  Devoted grandfather of Ally

  Ally sat on the grass at the foot of the grave. She started to cry. Not tears of self-pity like she’d had that day, but tears of regret. They should have had so much more together. But they were both so wounded and afraid, they didn’t know how to reach out to each other. He loved her the only way he knew how, Ally understood that now. He protected her and kept her safe. And he never left her.

  She laid the sprig of flowers on his grave and stood up. Maybe she should arrange a plaque for her mother. Nan would have liked that.

  Watsons Bay

  “What kind of a bloody fool are you?”

  Ally looked at Meg, startled. She’d just finished recounting the last few days to her, up to where she said goodbye to Matt this morning.

  “I swear I just don’t get you, Ally!” Meg stood up, strutting around in a circle before crossing to the fridge and yanking the door open. “I need a drink and I don’t even drink anymore! See what you’re driving me to!”

  She watched Meg push the corkscrew into the bottle like she was trying to punish it. “You’re my best friend, and I love you,” she said, with each twist. “But you’re an idiot.”

  “That’s a bit harsh,” said Ally quietly.

  “Well, somebody’s got to tell you!” She pulled violently on the cork till it popped out. She grabbed two wine glasses by their stems and sat back at the table.

  “Here,” she said, holding the glasses out to Ally, who took them both and set them down. Meg splashed wine into each glass, then picked up one in a toast.

  “To blind, ignorant stupidity.”

  “You expect me to drink to that?”

  “Why not? It comes easily enough to you.”

  Ally didn’t say anything. She knew Meg didn’t mean to hurt her, but it hurt all the same.

  Meg sighed. “I’m sorry, Al. I just can’t watch you do this anymore! I can’t stand it!”

  She frowned. “What?

  “Why is it so hard for you to let
someone love you?”

  Ally breathed out heavily. What had Matt said? She was too busy licking her wounds? She picked up her glass and took a mouthful of wine. “I think that when I lost Nan, and then my mother left me again, I must have decided not to get close to anyone. The pain when they’re gone, it’s just too hard…” Her voice trailed off.

  Meg looked at her. “All this time, all your excuses, you were scared of what you were feeling for Matt.”

  Ally felt an ache in the back of her throat. Tears filled her eyes.

  “Oh no, don’t, you’ll make me start,” said Meg, moving closer to her and putting an arm around her shoulder. “You can’t live like this, Ally, running away from your feelings just in case you get hurt.”

  “Why not?” Ally wiped the tears away from her cheeks. “Feeling nothing for years was a lot easier than this,” she sniffed.

  “That’s because you’ve always associated love with pain. It doesn’t have to be that way,” Meg paused. “What’s in your heart, Ally?”

  She shrugged. “A great big hole, most of the time.”

  “Is that how it feels now?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Meg was thinking. “Do me a favor. Close your eyes.”

  “Don’t be weird, Meg.”

  “Just humor me, okay?”

  Ally frowned at her, but she closed her eyes.

  “Now, picture Matt, the last time you saw him.”

  Ally saw him in the rear-vision mirror, watching her drive away. She felt like crying.

  “Ally?”

  She changed the image. She saw him working at Birchgrove, his shirt off, wiping his brow. She saw him leaning over her frowning, when she was sick. She saw him holding her in his arms on the dance floor.

  “What are you feeling?”

  “Sick in the stomach,” she said, opening her eyes.

  A smile formed slowly on Meg’s lips. “Oh Al, you’re in love!”

  “This couldn’t be love, it’s awful.”

  “I know, isn’t it great!” she enthused.

  Ally looked at her dubiously.

  “It settles down eventually,” Meg assured her, before smiling wistfully. “And then you miss it when it’s gone. Look what happened to me and Chris. Or me, at least.”

  Ally watched her twiddling with the stem of her glass. She hadn’t touched her wine.