End of the Alphabet

by Fleur Beale

  Mum didn’t look at him. She just kept on making Davey’s lunch. ‘I know where I go, Max. You’ll have plenty of time to walk to school. You can think about things on the way.’

  He pushed his chair back. ‘Don’t stress, Mum.’

  ‘Get in the car. Now.’ It was her don’t argue with me voice.

  He shrugged his shoulders and did the Hollywood sigh but got in the car. Davey and I cleaned up the kitchen. This time, I didn’t mind.

  We sang ‘Alice the Camel’ all the way to school.

  I wondered if Wiremu and Tom would be hyped up about their interviews. They weren’t. Wiremu said, ‘What’s to be scared of? Man — I’ve been yelled at by Mr T. Nothing can scare me now.’

  Tom yawned. ‘What? Oh, the interviews. No sweat.’

  They asked how mine had gone. I pulled a face. ‘Bad. I didn’t even know what language they speak.’

  That woke Tom up. ‘Brazilian?’

  Maisie poked a finger in his ribs. ‘No, duh-brain. They speak Portuguese.’

  Oh. Even the word made it sound hard.

  The day rolled on like a wave you can’t stop. It would stop tomorrow when we heard who would go and who wouldn’t. All day, I kept the question in my head — how could I learn Portuguese?

  I picked up Davey and we did the evening chores. I was so glad I’d decided to go to Brazil by myself. It was something to look forward to. It was my secret.

  That evening, I worked on a poster in my room. This was an autumn spread for a girl of my age, but with a heap more money than I had. I designed a wardrobe that had class, but it had casual gear too. I couldn’t find the right top. I wanted a wraparound cardigan but they all looked as though an old man should be wearing them.

  I needed some more magazines. Davey and I could call in at the op shop on the way home tomorrow.

  Tomorrow. That was when we’d find out who was on the trip to Brazil and who wasn’t.

  The morning came. I knew they wouldn’t pick me. I knew it. Maybe that was why I felt as if I was going to my doom. Mr W read the notices. The kids who’d applied for Brazil were to go to the media room at interval. Megan and I stressed. Maisie wasn’t worried. Wiremu shrugged. Tom yawned.

  The day crept towards interval. The bell rang. Megan rubbed her hands down her skirt. ‘This is it.’

  My voice seemed to have vanished.

  We had to wait five minutes before Ms Adams showed up.

  She read out the list. Girls in alphabetical order, then the boys. Megan Chapman was first. I gave her the hugest hug. She was crying. Maisie Lemmon.

  ‘Yay!’ Megan, Maisie and I yelled. They looked at me, their eyes bright.

  I shook my head.

  ‘You never know,’ Maisie whispered.

  ‘I want you to come!’ Megan grabbed my hand and held it hard.

  The girls’ list stopped at Amanda Trask.

  Okay. That’s it. I knew it would be like that. The others didn’t look at me. I tried not to be disappointed, but I was.

  Wiremu got chosen. Tom didn’t. ‘Sweet, man,’ he said.

  The rest of the day was hard. I was happy for Megan, Maisie and Wiremu, but that didn’t help the cold lump of disappointment in my gut. I smiled and laughed. Inside, I was crying.

  After school, I picked Davey up, but we didn’t go to the op shop. I just wanted to hide out at home.

  We cooked a beef casserole that took a lot of preparation. It was soothing and Davey liked helping. He was cheerful company.

  That evening at dinner, Max spoke to me. First, he smiled, and that made me suspicious. What was he up to? I soon found out. ‘I hear you applied to go to Brazil, Ruby.’

  Wow, he could be mean when he tried.

  I said, ‘Yes, I did. What of it?’

  He ignored that. ‘Did you get selected?’

  Mum’s eyes zapped between us. Calvin watched as well. The boys kept eating.

  I put down my fork. ‘Why are you asking, Max? I’m sure you know the answer.’

  He shrugged and put another gob of food — cooked by me and Davey — into his mouth.

  I was pissed off with him. Why did he need to point out how dumb I was? An idea zapped into my brain. Huh! I smiled at Mum. She wore her worried look. ‘It’s okay, Mum. I just did it to keep Megan company.’ That was true at the start, anyway. Then I smiled across the table at Max. He ignored me. I turned back to Mum. ‘I need to go to the town library after school tomorrow. I’ll take Davey, but Max will have to do dinner.’

  ‘We’ll go on the bus.’ Davey thumped the table and sang, ‘The wheels on the bus go round and round!’

  Theo shouted, ‘Me too! Me too!’

  Calvin put a hand over his mouth. ‘If you go too, buddy — who will I have to walk home with?’

  Max shook his head and kept eating. He had a small smile on his face.

  Mum said, ‘That’s a good idea, Ruby.’ She straightened her back and took a breath. ‘We’ll have fish fingers, Max. That’s not too hard.’

  ‘And mashed potatoes,’ Davey said. ‘And salad and beans from the garden and feijoa pie. Yum!’

  Max shook his head again. ‘Ruby can do it when she gets home.’

  Calvin looked as though he wanted to say something, but he didn’t.

  Mum took a deeper breath. ‘She could, Max, but she’s not going to.’

  Max shrugged. ‘Okay. Don’t stress.’

  Tomorrow night’s dinner would be air fingers, mashed air, air from the garden and air pie.

  He was such a loser. Couldn’t he see how much he was stressing Mum out? I wondered if he even cared.

  I ran outside and played with the kids while Max did the dishes.

  Nobody said anything more about Brazil.

  Chapter Thirteen

  My alarm woke me at 5.30. I yawned. Stupid o’clock again.

  Mr Vine did his usual grunt. I sang as I swept and mopped. This morning’s song was ‘The Wheels on the Bus’. I kept my mouth shut when I cleaned the toilet, even though it didn’t stink any more.

  I finished with ten minutes to spare so I dusted the shelves in aisle one. I would guess that he never moved anything when he dusted. The front was clean, the rest wasn’t.

  He paid me without making any nasty remarks. I was polite. ‘Thanks, Mr Vine.’

  Mick was getting out of his truck as I left the shop. ‘How’s it going, Ruby?’

  I smiled at him. ‘It’s going fine. Thanks to you.’

  He cocked his head in Mr Vine’s direction. ‘He’s behaving himself, then?’

  I whispered, ‘Still as mean as shit. But he pays me without the drama now.’

  Mick went inside, laughing.

  The kids for the Brazil trip got congratulated in assembly. The principal said he was sorry we all couldn’t go. ‘But know that you’re all winners, even if you didn’t get chosen.’

  Yeah? Like how?

  I told the girls the latest Max story.

  Tia shook her head. ‘Man! He sure holds a grudge.’

  ‘Squeezes it to death,’ said Carly.

  Megan said, ‘I so wish you were going. Maisie’s okay, but she’s not you.’

  After school, I picked Davey up and we caught the bus into town. He sang, ‘On Top of Spaghetti, All Covered with Cheese’.

  I joined in. We weren’t exactly quiet.

  A woman in front of us turned around and snapped, ‘For heaven’s sake — if you must sing, at least have the proper words.’

  Davey was surprised. ‘These are the proper words! My teacher told us.’

  The woman turned back. ‘Really! What’s the world coming to?’

  Davey’s teacher had taught them six verses. We sang the whole lot three times. Nobody else growled and some people laughed.

  The library didn’t have any magazines for sale. We were nearly outside when I stopped. ‘Davey, I’ve just thought of something. Let’s go back.’

  We went up to the information desk. The woman smiled. ‘Can I help you?’

&n
bsp; Probably not. I asked anyway. ‘I want to learn Portuguese. I want to go to Brazil. But I don’t know how. To find out how to learn, I mean.’

  She looked surprised. ‘Well, good for you. We’ve had a lot of requests lately for information about Brazil. All from kids from your school.’ She waved a hand at my uniform. ‘But you’re the first one to ask about learning the language.’ She stood up. ‘You got accepted for the trip, then?’

  I shook my head. ‘But I want to go anyway. When I leave school.’

  She pointed to a wall. ‘See over there? That’s where our language CDs are. You need the Brazilian Portuguese one.’

  ‘Um, could you help me find it?’ I took a breath. ‘I can’t read. Not very well.’

  She’d think I was dumb. She’d wonder why I thought I could learn another language. But she came out from behind the desk and walked towards the CDs. ‘Learning from a CD is a good way for you to start, in that case.’

  She found it for me. ‘Take it to the desk. You’ll have to pay to get it out. And good luck!’

  She was nice!

  When we left the library, Davey tugged my hand. ‘Ruby — don’t go to Brazil!’

  I bent down and hugged him. ‘I can’t go for ages and ages. Not till I leave school.’ He still didn’t look happy, so I said, ‘How about we get an ice cream and walk by the sea?’

  I thought he’d forgotten about Brazil but soon he asked, ‘Can I learn Brazil too? I can go with you then.’

  I dabbed my ice cream on his forehead. ‘You can learn but I’m not promising about coming too.’

  We finished the ice creams. We walked by the sea but not near the waves. There were mean waves on this beach. They’d pulled people under and some had drowned.

  It was too soon to go home. I wanted to make sure Calvin would be there. ‘Okay, Davey. We need another shop.’

  We went to the secondhand bookshop. They had a pile of magazines. I found two that had fashion spreads. Not a bad day.

  Calvin and Theo were cooking when we got home. ‘Max didn’t show?’ I asked.

  Calvin looked grim. ‘No.’

  He showed up in a dead heat with Mum. Mum and Calvin glanced at each other. Calvin shook his head. Mum sighed, and it looked to me as if she was searching for some backbone. She found it. ‘Max, you’ll have to make your own dinner.’

  He sat down and smiled at her. ‘Come on, Mum! You don’t mean it — that’s child abuse.’

  Mum ignored him. ‘Set the table, would you Ruby? But Max won’t need a place.’

  ‘Mum! I’ve been working my butt off all day. I need food. You’re not being reasonable.’ He was calm and he sounded confident.

  I carried five plates to the table. Davey got the cutlery without being asked. I gave him the thumbs up. This was where Mum always caved with Max. He just had to say how hard he worked and bam! he got what he wanted.

  But she sat down across the table from him, stretched out her hands and took his. ‘Max. Look at me. I asked you to cook the dinner.’

  He snatched his hands away. ‘Mum! You know I don’t do that stuff. That’s Ruby’s job. She does what she can do. I do what I’m good at. It works. Don’t try fixing what ain’t broken.’

  I couldn’t believe it. ‘You louse! You utter and total arrogant louse.’

  ‘Ruby!’ Mum snapped. ‘Keep quiet.’ But she snapped at Max too. ‘Your values are all screwed up, Max. It’s my fault. I’ve spoilt you. Well, that can’t be helped now. But things do need fixing. And we start with you becoming a contributing member of this family, not just a taker.’ Her voice shook and she looked away from Max. ‘Calvin, could you please serve the meal now. Max can get something from the pantry.’

  Calvin set the dish on the table. Then he put his hand on Mum’s shoulder. She lifted her hand and held his. I dished food for Theo and Davey. Max sat and glowered while we ate. Nobody said much. I don’t know how he did it, but he sent currents of fury right through the room without saying a single word. He waited until we finished before he made himself four slices of toast and heated baked beans in the microwave.

  He trashed the bench making it. There were crumbs, smears of butter and the empty bean tin. He left the bread and the butter on the bench as well.

  Calvin said, ‘Clean up your mess, Max, and then you and I are going for a walk.’

  Max put both hands on the table. ‘I don’t have to. You’re not my father.’

  Mum burst into tears. ‘I’m ashamed of you, Max Yarrow. So ashamed I could die. Calvin must be glad he’s not your father. If I’d let him discipline you, you’d be a much better person.’

  Calvin hugged her and looked over her shoulder at Max. ‘Do as you’re told, Max. Now.’ His voice was calm and even, but I would have leapt to do what he told me if he’d used that tone with me.

  Max thumped his fist. ‘Oh, all right! Don’t stress. Far out! What a fuss about nothing.’

  Calvin watched him and kept his arms around Mum. Theo ran to her, threw his arms around her legs and wailed, ‘Don’t cry, Mummy, please don’t cry.’

  Davey’s eyes switched from Mum and Calvin, to Max and then to me. I gave him a small smile and put a finger to my lips. He nodded and sidled closer to me.

  Max chucked the dishcloth into the sink. ‘Satisfied? Can we get this charade over with? I’ve got work to do.’

  ‘Tessie, it’ll be all right,’ Calvin said. ‘Let’s go, Max.’

  Max heaved one of his Hollywood sighs and stomped out the door.

  Mum collapsed onto the sofa. She was still crying. The boys huddled beside her. This was all my fault. If I hadn’t gone looking for my backbone, Mum wouldn’t be howling her eyes out, Calvin wouldn’t have to deal with Max, the kids wouldn’t be upset. And I’d have no life.

  ‘Mum. I’m sorry.’

  She didn’t look up, just kept sobbing with her head in her hands. ‘It’s all my fault. I’ve spoilt him.’ She could hardly get the words out. ‘Calvin kept telling me, but I wouldn’t listen. I’m the one who’s sorry, Ruby.’

  I didn’t know what to do. She cried as if her heart was breaking. Davey looked at me and whimpered, ‘Ruby?’

  Theo sucked his thumb. He’d stopped doing that a year ago.

  I picked him up and sat down beside Mum with Theo on my knee. ‘Don’t cry, Mum. You’re a good mother. You are. Please don’t cry.’

  She stopped. It was a superhuman effort, but she did it. ‘I need to blow my nose,’ she mumbled.

  Davey leapt up and raced for the box of tissues.

  When she’d mopped herself up, she wrapped the three of us up in a hug. ‘You’re such good kids. I don’t deserve you.’

  ‘You do! We want you.’ Theo wriggled off my knee onto Mum’s.

  She looked exhausted. ‘Ruby, love — I could murder a cup of tea.’

  I made her one. She was a good mother. I wouldn’t change her. I poured the water into her favourite big mug, took her the tea and said, ‘Mum — you were only two years older than I am now when you got pregnant with me. You were so young.’

  She took the mug and wrapped her hands around it. ‘It’s not the best way of doing things, Ruby. I wouldn’t want you to do the same.’

  Not much chance of that. No boy even looked at me.

  Mum drank the tea then read to the boys. I did the dishes and wondered how Calvin was getting on with Max. I’d give my current bank balance to be able to listen in. No, I wouldn’t. I’d earned that money and I wasn’t going to waste it.

  We put the kids to bed. Theo was clingy. Davey was quiet.

  Mum and I watched telly. Well, we turned it on, but neither of us could concentrate. ‘They’re such a long time!’ Mum said.

  The kids had been asleep for ages by the time they came back.

  Max came into the lounge. ‘Sorry, Mum.’ Then he gave me a lightning glance. ‘Sorry, Ruby.’ He scuttled off to his room, his head down.

  I stared after him. His eyes were red. Max had been crying?

  Calvin sank down
on the sofa beside Mum. He stretched out and closed his eyes.

  Mum took his hand. ‘Calvin? Are you okay?’

  He opened one eye. ‘That lad of ours, Tessie, is hard work.’

  That lad of ours. We were so lucky to have Calvin.

  Mum’s mouth wobbled, but she didn’t cry. ‘Max …?’

  ‘Max will be okay, Tessie. He’s just been pushing the limits. He’s found out where they are now.’ He yawned. ‘We’ll see how he goes.’

  I went to bed.

  The next day was Friday. When Davey and I got home after school, Max was there. He growled, ‘Calvin’s making me cook tonight, so you can stop the I do all the work act.’

  I sighed. Whatever had made him cry last night had worn off. ‘Grow up, Max.’ We left him to it. I put one of the Portuguese CDs in my player. Before dinner that night, Davey and I learned how to say excuse me, thank you, and I am an American man. That would be useful. Not.

  We didn’t tell anybody else what we were doing.

  Max yelled at me to set the table.

  I switched off the player. ‘Come on, Davey. Let’s show him what stars we are.’

  We had that table set before Max could yell a second time. It pissed him off. I wished we could be friends. He hadn’t been nice to me once since I found my backbone.

  I shook my head. Who was I kidding? He hadn’t been nice to me before then. He’d been nice to Max.

  The meal wasn’t great, but we ate it. ‘I want Ruby to cook,’ Theo said.

  Max scowled.

  Life in the Diamond–Yarrow household limped onwards.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Max kept his head down. He did as he was asked, but never anything more. He didn’t sulk, but he didn’t talk to any of us if he didn’t have to. Mum went around looking as if she’d cry if you touched her. She didn’t talk about work. Calvin asked her one night where the pay talks were at.

  She just rubbed her head. ‘Oh, I think we’ll be going on strike.’

  She hadn’t talked about it for ages. Max was all she could worry about. I felt bad. It was kind of my fault, except that it wasn’t. Not really. I’d just started the whole thing.

  No, actually, I hadn’t. Max had started it when he’d stage-managed the kids into my little room. If he hadn’t done that, I would never have stood up for myself. That didn’t make me feel any better. Poor Mum — I wished I could make it all better. I couldn’t. Neither could Calvin.