How To Resist A Heartbreaker

by Louisa George

He didn’t know. But he heard it in his voice. Raw. Loud. ‘You could have tried, Gabby, but instead you just took the easy route so you could carry on your life and be a success in your cosy nursing career. You are not the woman I thought you were.’

  ‘Shut up. Just shut the hell up.’ Her face darkened as she held up her shaking palm. Her voice rose a notch, coated with anger that matched his. ‘You have no idea what I went through. You won’t even listen, you’re too caught up in your own drama. You make Joe sound like an inconvenience, not a baby.’

  ‘Wasn’t he?’ Hadn’t he been? He and Mitchell?

  ‘No. No. No. And you make me sound uncaring and unloving, and I’m far from that.’ Her finger pointed at him accusingly. ‘I honestly thought you knew me better.’

  ‘So did I, Gabby. So did I.’

  ‘Seems we were both wrong, then. This is exactly what I didn’t want from you. I thought, hoped, you might understand. I work hard every day so that when I do meet him, he’ll be proud of what I’ve achieved. And I’ll be able to hold my head up high and be someone he can respect. He might understand—more than you, it seems—why I did what I did.

  ‘My life has never been “cosy”. Everywhere I went in Wellington I bumped into people who knew me when I was pregnant and who asked what had happened to my child. You can’t live four months in a place and not make some contacts. Sometimes they’d come into the ward. They’d ask difficult questions and then everyone I worked with wanted to know about it. And then there was the constant nagging from Nonna, and my mum. “Don’t get into more trouble. You’ve ruined our lives”.’

  ‘Because you didn’t become a doctor after that, and save their precious skins. I get it now.’ The missing pieces slotted into place, making up an ugly whole.

  Her voice rose even more. ‘I couldn’t eat or study for a long time. It was intolerable being around them, but they made me stay and make it up to them. I couldn’t get away from it. And then—worse, much worse—every baby I saw, every child I looked after at work, I thought it might be him. My baby.’

  ‘Not your baby. You gave up that right when you gave him away.’

  She glared at him, eyes sparking with defiance. ‘How dare you?’

  ‘Don’t like the truth?’ He walked towards the door, but she was already out of bed and hobbling towards him, holding her side as she covered the distance. Her flimsy pyjamas barely covered the curves he loved. Her eyes sparked as anger took her too. Now he saw what had kept her going, what had been her salvation. She had spirit and hope and fight. She truly believed what she’d done had been for the best.

  And, goddamn him, that was when he realised Mitch was right. He did love her.

  Had loved her.

  It was like a swift low blow to his chest. Something he had been avoiding all his life—giving his heart to someone else. But it had happened. He’d given it to the one person he should never have fallen in love with, but he’d done it anyway. And he’d been right, all along, too—the truth hurt, but love hurt more.

  Right now he didn’t know what to feel. He didn’t want the kind of bleak future it would be without her. But he couldn’t see a future that involved someone so careless about life, about a baby—no matter how much she told him she’d given her child up in an act of love.

  And he’d had to wring it out of her. ‘What kind of a relationship is built on silences and lies? Would you ever have told me this if you hadn’t had the pregnancy?’

  At the word ‘pregnancy’ she flinched. He felt the sudden stab in his heart, too. Truth was, it all hurt much more than he cared to admit.

  ‘We didn’t have a relationship, Max. To be honest, we don’t know how. We’re both too damned scared.’ She stopped short in front of him, huge, furious eyes boring into his soul.

  Although he was tempted to fling everything he had at her, he would never tell her how much he had grown to like her. To love her. And how much her story mingled with his hurt and made everything sour.

  She shook her head, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. It damn near broke his heart. But he couldn’t touch her now, not after this.

  ‘I don’t know if I’d ever have told you. I wanted to but I didn’t know how. Seems I was right—just look at your reaction.’

  ‘Did you ever trust me?’

  She blinked then turned away. ‘I don’t know that either.’

  ‘Did you even try?’

  ‘I don’t—’

  ‘You don’t know. You don’t know. Yeah, I get it.’ He huffed out an angry breath. ‘Seems to me you don’t know a great deal, Gabby. Except, of course, about hiding the truth.’

  ‘Yes, and opening up has done me a fat lot of good.’ She pushed her fists into his chest. ‘In an act of love I gave him a better chance at life. But you just don’t want to understand.’

  ‘Oh, I do, Gabby. I understand entirely.’ He lifted her hands away from his body and dropped them by her sides, didn’t want her touch on his skin. ‘I think your baby was inconvenient. I know all about that because that’s what we were to my parents. That’s why they dumped us with a nanny while they went off on their nice little sailing trip. I know what it’s like to play dip, dip, bloody dip, too. And to lose. To be given to people who turn out not to be the loving family you deserve. I know exactly what it’s like to be unwanted.’

  ‘Oh, I wanted him, Max. More than anything. But you don’t always get what you want, right? Like this. Us. I wanted you. For the first time in forever I thought I’d found someone I could fall in love with. I wanted us to make a go of things. But not now. Not when you won’t even try to put yourself in my shoes. You’re just like Nonna and Mum, you think I’m completely selfish too.’ He saw the torrent of fury swell through her, watched her try to stay in control but fail. She jabbed her finger into his chest. ‘You are way out of line, mate. The far bloody side. Don’t dare judge me. Don’t. Ever. Judge. Me.’

  He held her gaze, saw the tumult of emotions there, the rage, the sadness simmering through her. The dying hope. Felt it reverberate through him. A black mist coated everything he saw—hopeless and livid.

  Shoulders lifting, she shook her head and stalked to the door. ‘Now, I’ve got a lot to work through, and you’re not helping at all. In fact, you’re making things a whole lot worse. So you’d better go.’ She waved her hand as if he was some insignificant interference. ‘Just go. And don’t even think about coming back.’

  In truth, he knew it was for the best. It was over. Messy and painful. But over. ‘Don’t worry, Gabby. I’m out of here.’

  And with that he turned around and walked out of her life.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  THERE WAS NO getting back from this, Gabby knew.

  Max had gone because of decisions she’d made when she’d been a child. But she understood how he’d see her now—as a woman who had committed the most heinous sin in his book.

  So she couldn’t blame him. She could run after him, try to explain, pound her fists against that bruised heart of his. But it would do no good. She knew enough from the bleak expression on his face that there truly was no going back.

  Great, Nonna. Happy now? The punishment was cruel but deserved. She’d lost two babies, her fertility, and the man she loved.

  Her breath stuttered as she scraped in air. Yes.

  The man she loved.

  From the first moment he’d offered her those cheesy chat-up lines she’d fallen for him, too fast. Gabby, who shunned any contact with men, who focused entirely on her career, who never allowed so much as a flutter of her heart, had given him a huge piece of it that she would never get back.

  Could it get any worse?

  Oh, yes. Even more cruel, she’d have to face Max every day at work. Stand next to him as they worked on a patient together. Offer him a confident smile during a ward round. Be the ultimate efficient nurse she’d trained herself to be. Not wince at the rumours or the reality of him seeing someone else, settling down. Because he deserved that, at the very least. After w
hat he’d been through he deserved a chance to be happy.

  She’d made a huge decision to give up her baby, but seeing how damaged Max had been, being brought up by people who hadn’t wanted him, she was doubly glad she’d given Joe to a family who had desperately wanted him.

  She instinctively knew her son was safe and happy. Without her.

  Now she had to prove she could still live without him. And without Max. No matter how hard it was, no matter how much hurt and pain she suffered.

  But she would manage that, too. The one thing Max had given her was faith in herself, a renewed vision of life as something to celebrate, not hide behind.

  Jumping off that tower had been the beginning, and now she would take every moment and grasp it. So she could show them all, show Max, show Joe, show Nonna—show herself—that she would never be beaten. She would fall, sure, but she would get up and keep going.

  The ache in Gabby’s throat burned fiercely as she replaced the lids on the boxes and stacked them in order back in her closet. Tempted for a moment to haul out Joe’s blanket and press her face into it in search of a smell long lost, she instead found the steel in her back and fitted the lid tightly.

  Pressing a kiss on her fingertips, she placed them on top of the box and then closed the cupboard door. She would continue to buy gifts for her precious boy, would write him those letters, but she would now reassert her own future. After all, that was why she’d come to Auckland in the first place.

  She would not have a family, the one thing she’d wanted most but had been too afraid to admit. She would never hold her own baby in her arms again. She would never curl into Max’s heat and let him soothe away the stress of the day. Or share a smile with him. A meal. A bed. But she would survive. Just. She had before.

  Even though her heart was breaking all over again.

  She looked over to where Max had tried to hold her in bed. To the door still swinging on its hinges with the force of his exit. Breathed in the last remnants of his smell.

  He was gone. The sad story of her life.

  Her bottom lip wobbled and she could feel her renewed determination wavering. She would allow herself one day to grieve, then she would forge forward.

  Crossing the bedroom floor, the pain in her abdomen returned, accompanied by the familiar dull throb of regret. She climbed back into bed and pulled the duvet up to her chin.

  Only then did she feel the dampness on her cheeks. When she glanced down she saw the droplets on her top.

  And at last let the tears flow.

  *

  ‘A load of fuss over nothing. It’s just a pompous dinner.’ Max flicked Jodi’s hand away as she fiddled with his bow tie. After his heart to heart with Mitchell, everyone had relaxed. Even Jodi. Gone was the nervousness, the awkward glances, and into their place had slipped a gentle burgeoning friendship.

  The rest of the guests had started to filter into the opulent Heritage Grand Tearoom. Jodi tutted. ‘And it’s an award. For you. You’ve at least got to have a straight bow tie in the photos.’ She shook her head. ‘You’re like a bear with a sore head these days, Max.’

  ‘I’m busy. Too busy for this kind of thing.’ And he was. Since they’d lost their baby, and Gabby had dropped the adoption bombshell, he’d buried himself in work, too numb to contemplate a next step.

  ‘Max, really?’ Jodi’s eyebrows raised. ‘For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve never been too busy for praise. In an ego contest, you and Mitch would tie for first place. And then coerce the poor judges to decide on an overall winner. Then you’d argue about that, too.’

  ‘So we’ve come a long way.’

  ‘Yes, yes, you have.’ She stepped back and admired her handiwork. ‘I’m proud of you both.’

  Mitch appeared and stuck out his hand. ‘Hey. Time to go in? You ready?’

  Max took his brother’s offered hand and shook it warmly. ‘Looks like I’ve been placed at your table. Is that okay?’

  ‘No problem. Shame you couldn’t have found a plus-one, though.’ Mitch’s voice was playful with gentle teasing, not the goading of the past. ‘I mean, Max Maitland without a date? My, my! What is the world coming to?’

  ‘Flying solo feels good right now.’ Who knew? If he said it enough he might actually believe it. A part of him was missing. The best part.

  ‘You mean she turned you down, right?’ Mitchell laughed. ‘What happened? You stuffed up again?’

  ‘Yeah, well, with you all happied up, someone has to keep the family tradition going.’ They shared a knowing smile. At least some things were improving, his family life if not his love life. That he could even be here with these two meant they’d made huge strides.

  But Jodi wouldn’t let it drop, even when they took their places at the plushly decorated table. She leaned across the crystal and glass and whispered, ‘It’s not healthy to work so hard, Max. You need some down-time. Get out there and play the field like you used to. God help me for saying this, but meet a girl, a different girl, have sex.’ She patted Mitch’s arm and smiled. ‘Have some fun. It works wonders.’

  ‘I don’t want sex,’ Max whispered in a gruff voice. At least, not random sex. He wanted sex with Gabby. And that was not going to happen anytime soon. Or ever. He’d drawn the line under that disaster and moved on.

  He had.

  If only he could stop stupid things reminding him of her. Like the ridiculous Sky Tower that invaded his vision every time he opened his curtains. The Shed. Mojitos. His bedroom. His damned annoying migraine-inducing scarlet sky-garden.

  And right now the empty chair to his left was the most stark reminder of all that was missing from his life.

  One week and it wasn’t getting any easier. Yeah, he missed her.

  Plain and simple. And way too complicated, just like everything that made up Gabby.

  But he missed her.

  Missed her sarcastic comments. The frowns. Her cute laugh. The feel of her. The tight press of her body against his.

  Work had been almost intolerable. At first he’d missed her not being there. But, then, when she’d returned, he’d just ached to touch her.

  But she’d broken his trust and he couldn’t get past what she’d done. Couldn’t fathom it. Given a child away. Hell, was there any worse thing to do?

  She’d dented his stupid fragile heart. And he hated it.

  He glanced around the room at the female guests swishing around in taffeta and silk. Once he’d have welcomed this kind of affair as a challenge: so many women, so little time. But tonight he just wanted to be on his own.

  No matter. It was a temporary blip. In a few weeks or months he’d get back on the dating scene, wouldn’t he? Go back to how things had been before he’d met her.

  Was that possible? He couldn’t remember the person he had been before Gabby had come into his life. He certainly didn’t much like the man he’d been: an empty shell not prepared to feel anything. She’d made him want things: a commitment; a family; to finally fix things with his brother. And had given him the tools and courage to make them happen.

  And now he’d let her go. But it had been the only sane thing to do. He just had to believe it.

  After a passable dinner and a couple glasses of red wine, Max stretched his legs under the table and watched his brother and Jodi chat together.

  The Jodi thing was definitely a pale memory. Just seeing them finish each other’s sentences, the genuine warmth between them convinced him that what they had was forever. With Jamie well on the way to recovery and their relationship on track, he couldn’t help admit that he was jealous. But, then, they’d gone through hell to get here, and Mitch had fought for his family every step of the way. Max didn’t know if he’d have the strength to do that.

  The MC called for silence and a few awards were dished out. Hating the phoney reverence and the limelight, Max cringed at the prospect of having to receive his. Was it too late to leave?

  He didn’t deserve an award for doing a job he loved. He just liked bein
g able to give patients a second chance—surely everyone deserved one of those. He liked the satisfaction from a good day’s work and coming home to… Damn, there was that reminder again. An empty flat.

  ‘I’d now like to call upon the nominator of the award for delivering excellence, Mitchell Maitland, to say a few words.’

  ‘What?’ Max stared at his brother. ‘You nominated me? What the hell?’

  ‘You saved my boy’s life. Got to get my own back somehow.’ Mitch stood and squeezed past, his grin broadening.

  ‘God, no, Mitch—don’t you say anything. They’ll throw rotten tomatoes at me.’

  ‘Ach, so you see through my dastardly plan.’ Mitchell took to the stage, his tie perfectly straight, courtesy of his girlfriend. He cleared his throat and began his speech, his eyes fixed on Max.

  ‘Max Maitland has brought many changes to the transplant service over the years. He’s shaken it up, modernised it and even ruffled a few beaurocratic feathers, in true Maitland style. But now we have a service second to none in the OCD. Full credit to him. And, yes, I admit, we’ve had a few professional differences in our lives and a few personal ones, so some of you may be surprised I’m up here at all.’

  He paused until the laughter died down. Looking around the room, Max realised how much their feuding had resonated across the hospital as a few of his colleagues nodded, but raised their glasses to Max and smiled. Seemed the whole staff body felt the effects of this Maitland thaw.

  Mitch continued, ‘As most of you are aware, things haven’t been easy between us. But despite personal setbacks and challenges, Max has never been afraid to chase a dream, however hard it may seem, to do the right thing, to make countless people’s lives better. Including my son’s. And mine. And for that I can’t thank him enough. In all my life I’ve never known a better man. So there is no more deserving recipient of this award, and I’m proud to call him my brother. I give you Max Maitland, recipient of the Auckland Hospital Delivering Excellence Award.’

  After collecting the award, Max returned to the table and sat next to Mitchell. ‘Whoa. That was unexpected. Thanks. Nice speech—if you can see through the bull.’