Mother For His Children, A

by Drexler, Jan

  “I will consider what you said, Levi Zook.”

  He stood, moving behind her, but before he could take her into his arms, she sidestepped away from him.

  Levi clasped his hands behind his back to keep from reaching out to her. “There isn’t anyone else, is there? Someone back in Pennsylvania waiting for you?”

  She shook her head, her arms crossed in front of her. “Not anymore.”

  Of course she had been courted by another man. A woman as beautiful as Ruth Mummert didn’t remain single without a good reason, but whoever it was had bruised her heart.

  “If there is any possibility of him claiming you...if you still love him...”

  “Ne, he’s in the past. It’s over.” She rubbed at her cheeks with the heel of one hand and took a shuddering breath. “If we did this, if we married, I would want to remain in the Dawdi Haus.” She didn’t look at him as she spoke the words knifing into his heart.

  “Not live as man and wife?”

  She looked at him then, her eyes dark as a lake under stormy skies. “I would do this for the children and for a home, Levi Zook, if you ask me, but God has called me to remain single. I would love your children and be a mother to them, but I don’t think I could be anything more.” She looked at the floor, holding her bottom lip between her teeth. “Let us both take some time to think about this, ja? Make sure it is what we should do.”

  “We’ll think about it.” He wanted to shake some sense into the woman. Did she think he could be content with a wife who lived in another part of the house?

  “Good night, Levi Zook.” Ruth brushed past him to the kitchen.

  “Good night.” But he spoke the words to an empty room.

  * * *

  Ruthy fled to the Dawdi Haus, shutting the door behind her. If there were a lock she would lock herself in.

  What kind of proposal was that? He wanted to marry her so he wouldn’t need to send his children away?

  But he didn’t say he loved her. After last night in the barn, and the look in his eyes this morning, she had thought she saw feelings there...but she had to be mistaken. He had the opportunity to tell her how he felt, but he had only rambled on about Eliza...and the children...and not one word of love.

  Even if he had told her he liked her and love would come later, then perhaps she would consider it. But a marriage only for his convenience? Ach, ne, never!

  Ruthy undressed quickly in the chilly bedroom. The bed would warm quickly after she tucked in the towel-wrapped brick that had been warming on top of the stove since Nathan had started the fire after supper. She slid under the covers, thankful for her long underclothes and thick flannel nightgown.

  As the warmth spread, she relaxed under the quilts, but her mind stayed wide awake. She had slept too long this afternoon. She let her mind play back over the events of the day, lingering on those moments when she had felt so close to Levi Zook. Would marriage to him be so bad?

  She could welcome his love so easily. Elam’s claim that he loved her paled next to what Levi’s love would be like. Elam was a boy, and his love had been a battle that ended in her broken heart. But Levi was a man—honorable, truthful, loyal to his family....

  Too loyal, it seemed. Was he really willing to marry her only to keep his children together?

  Marriage was not a thing to be taken lightly. Once they were married, only death would part them, and there was no doubt he would honor that promise.

  Perhaps that was the reason—perhaps he still loved his first wife and couldn’t love another.

  Ruthy turned in the bed, letting the warmth lull her into sleepiness.

  If he loved her... Her thoughts went to the feel of his arm around her waist, the comfort of her head on his shoulder. A shudder went through her as her mind strayed to what might have happened if Deacon Beachey hadn’t come into the cowshed at just that moment. Would he have tightened his embrace and held her closer? If he loved her, she would have welcomed his protective arms around her.

  Elam’s embraces had always been pressing, pushing for more closeness. He persisted in asking her for kisses, even though she told him she was saving their first kiss for their wedding day. Every buggy ride with him had been a struggle, and she longed for the day when he would have a right to claim her.

  Sleep fled as the memory of their last few rides together rushed into her mind. She had been relieved that he had been content with holding her hand, thinking she had finally convinced him to wait for the wedding they had planned for the fall. But now she knew he had stopped pushing her because Laurette was giving him everything he had been asking Ruthy for. He hadn’t needed her anymore.

  She turned restlessly in the bed, kicking the covers into place.

  Why had she given Levi those conditions, that if they married she would continue living in the Dawdi Haus?

  Ach, she knew. Her long courtship with Elam had shown her what loving a man was like. Marriage left no room for her own wants and needs, but she would spend all her time caring for a selfish man and his children. Elam had never thought of her wishes, but only his own. Could she expect Levi would be any different?

  Her eyes filled with tears. Of course Levi was different. Everything about him was different from Elam...but marriage? Surrender herself to him? Become his alone?

  Could she bear to have children with him if it were only his duty? She had already given up all hope of having her own children when she had resigned herself to being a maidle. Would living in the Dawdi Haus after a wedding ceremony be any different than what she had now?

  Ja, one big difference. She would have a home for the rest of her life. This house, not just the Dawdi Haus, but the main house, too, would be hers. She would have a home, children to love and a man to cook for.

  She would have a purpose, a community, a family. She would belong. No more the solitary note. She pictured the children marrying, having grandchildren, family dinners... She would have a family of her own to share all the joys and sorrows life would bring.

  What more could she want?

  Ruthy kicked at the smothering covers. What more could she expect?

  Chapter Twelve

  Levi slid into the welcome warmth of the cowshed, chilled after the short walk through the frigid evening. The cold was always strongest this time of year, just before they could expect the first thaws in late February. He lit the lantern hanging on the nail just inside the door and started on his nightly round.

  The milk cows, Milly and Kitty, didn’t move as he walked past their pen. They both lay in their straw bed with their legs folded under them, eyes closed and chewing their cud. Moolah was up in the calving pen, standing over her sleeping calf. He stopped to rub the cow’s forehead.

  “You did a good job, giving us a heifer calf, Moolah. Good girl.” He grinned at his own words. Wasn’t it a silly thing to be talking to a cow?

  He went on through the door into the barn cellar, shining the light into each horse’s stall, and then into the pigsty. The animals looked at him with sleepy eyes, used to his nightly visits. All was well.

  He retraced his steps to the cowshed, pausing to give Moolah another pat. Was it just last night that he and Ruth had worked together to help the cow past her crisis? He had held no thought of marriage than beyond a passing whim, but ever since Deacon Beachey’s visit this morning the idea had taken hold of him. His first thought had been that marriage to Ruth would solve his problems, but the more he considered the idea, the less he thought about anything but what a wonderful-gut wife she would be.

  And then she had given him her conditions.

  Could he live with her, knowing that in the eyes of the church they were man and wife, but at home they were no closer than brother and sister? Could he go through the motions of every day knowing he had the right—but restrain himself from even kissing her?
/>   Levi leaned on the top rail of the calving stall, his shoulders slumped.

  He could hope she would change her mind, that her feelings for him would grow, but what if they didn’t? There had been someone else...that nameless man back in Pennsylvania. She claimed she no longer loved him, but why else would she consider a marriage like the one she had proposed? Could he marry her, knowing she loved someone else? Could he love her...?

  Levi rubbed his forehead, willing the tension to leave.

  Did he love her? If he did, it was nothing like the easy camaraderie he and Salome had shared. When he was with Ruth, he wanted much more than friendship, but was that love?

  Levi gave Moolah a last pat, then blew out the lantern and replaced it on its hook. He pulled his coat tighter and braced himself for the cold walk back to the house. He looked up at the dark bedroom windows. The children were all in bed. The only light shone from the lowered lantern he had left in the kitchen. Even the Dawdi Haus windows were dark.

  Was Ruth sleeping, or was she lying awake, thinking of his proposal?

  In the kitchen, he blew out the lamp, ready to go to his own bed, but the door to the Dawdi Haus drew him. Standing in his stockings, the cold seeping through to his feet, he struggled with the temptation to lay his hand on that doorknob.

  If they were married, would he be able to resist the temptation to go through that door?

  If they didn’t marry, even on her terms, would he be able to let her leave, knowing he would never see her again?

  * * *

  Ruthy couldn’t meet Levi’s eyes during breakfast the next morning. She kept her attention on the meal and the children as Levi ate silently at the other end of the table. Elias and Nathan discussed the coming planting season while the girls teased Martha about a boy at school. James and David ate quickly, trying to fill their bottomless stomachs while Sam and Jesse, on either side of Ruthy’s end of the table, had their own discussion about their continuing afternoon game.

  What would the children think if she married Levi? The younger ones would welcome her, she knew that, but Elias still resented her taking his mother’s place in the kitchen. How would he feel if she married his father? Would he and Nathan join together against her? She would hate to be the cause of division in this family.

  On the other hand, isn’t that what would happen if she and Levi didn’t marry? She let her gaze rest on Nellie, sitting on the other side of Sam. She was a sensitive girl, such a contrast to her twin, Nancy. Being separated from her dat would be terrible for her. She looked farther down the bench to Nancy, on the other side of Martha from her twin. Taking these two girls from their family, even to live in their aunt’s loving home, would change them.

  “Ruth,” Levi said, his deep voice carrying through the children’s chatter, “is there more coffee?”

  “Ja, for sure.” They could be alone in the room, for all the attention Levi’s request garnered from the children. Using her apron to protect her hands from the hot handle, Ruthy took the coffeepot from the stove. Levi moved his cup to the edge of the table so she could pour more easily, but as he did his eyes sought hers.

  Ruthy struggled to keep the pot steady, to keep the hot coffee pouring into the cup, but his gaze unnerved her. What was he thinking of? Did he still think it would be good for them to marry?

  The cup full, Ruthy glanced at his face. His eyebrows were raised in a question over his brown eyes, but he only said, “Denki.”

  She took the pot back to the stove, knowing his gaze followed her across the room. Sure enough, as she walked back to her seat, he watched every step.

  After the Bible reading and morning prayers, Levi, Elias and Sam went to work in the barn while the scholars went out to the end of the lane to catch the bus. Waneta cleared the table, humming as she worked.

  Ruthy dipped water into the dishpan from the stove’s reservoir and then took the bar of soap from the shelf above the sink, shaving bits into the hot water with a knife.

  “We’re nearly out of soap,” Waneta said as she set the pile of plates next to Ruthy on the drain board.

  “How much is left?”

  “There are only three bars down cellar....” Waneta stopped and wiped at her eyes with the hem of her apron.

  Ruthy put her arm around the girl’s shoulders. “Waneta, what’s troubling you?”

  “I just remembered, those are from the last batch Mam made....” Waneta sniffed and took out a handkerchief she had tucked in her sleeve. “She made an extra big batch that year. I think she knew she wouldn’t be making any more for us, and wanted us to have enough to last....”

  To last until someone else came who could take over that chore.

  “We’ll ask your dat if there’s enough lard to make more. I saw a bucket of ashes on the back porch, ja?”

  Waneta dried her eyes. “Ja, we always save the ashes. Maybe we can borrow lard from someone until we butcher.”

  “We’ll plan on making the soap after this cold spell passes and we have fine soap-making weather.” Ruthy tried to keep her voice cheerful, to help Waneta look forward rather than back to the loss of her mother.

  She must have been successful, because Waneta gave her a smile. “I’m so glad Dat brought you here, Ruthy. I could never do this alone....”

  Ruthy almost laughed at the thought of Waneta relying on her as a teacher. She had never made soap without her own mam, but she had to start sometime. “When you’re a married woman you will.”

  “Ja, but that won’t be until after I’ve made soap a few times with you.”

  Ruthy gave Waneta’s shoulders a squeeze. “Even when you’re married, we can still do chores like this together. You can bring your little ones and the twins can care for them while you and Martha and I make soap.”

  Waneta laughed at this. “That sounds like a wonderful-gut plan. By then, Martha will be married, too. We’ll make a family frolic out of it.” She turned, taking Ruthy’s hand in her own. “But will you be with us that long?”

  “Perhaps. It’s up to your dat.”

  “I know. I’ve been hoping...”

  “What?”

  “It’s none of my affair, but Martha and I were talking about how wonderful-gut it would be if you and Dat married.” Waneta paused, her eyes on Ruthy’s heated face. “Only if you wanted to, of course, but we’d love to have you for our new mam.”

  “I couldn’t take your mam’s place....”

  “Ne, but we see the way Dat looks at you. He needs to be happy again.”

  “Your daed’s happy. He’s always laughing with you children.”

  “Ja, but he’s still lonely.”

  Lonely in a house full of children? Ruthy swished the soap flakes in the dishpan as Waneta went to bring more dishes from the table. Ja, she could see being lonely even in this full house. Waneta was wonderful-gut to talk to, but Ruthy also enjoyed meeting the other women closer to her own age at Sunday meetings. She could spend more time talking to Levi when the children weren’t around, like they did last night after the children had gone to bed....

  Ne, not like last night. Alone in the front room, they were too close, too intimate.

  But isn’t that what it would be like if she married him?

  Ruthy attacked the pile of dishes. She needed to talk to Levi, to find out what he was thinking. If she hurried, she would have a few minutes before starting dinner.

  * * *

  Levi took a sawhorse into the stall with Badger, the near horse in his team of Percherons, and the gentlest horse he knew. Grooming the gelding was a big job, but if Sam were going to learn, Badger was the horse to learn on.

  “All right, son.” Levi lifted Sam up to stand on the sawhorse. “We’ll start with the curry comb. Take it and make circles through Badger’s hair, like this.” Levi swirled the comb through the horse’
s long winter hair. “There, now you try it.”

  Sam took the curry comb in both hands and pushed it back and forth on Badger’s neck.

  “In circles, son. Try again.”

  Elias opened the gate of the box stall. “Ruthy is in the cowshed, looking for you.”

  “All right. Can you take over here? After he’s done currying this side, show him how to do all the brushing but the feet. You know how ticklish Badger’s feet are if you don’t use the right pressure.”

  “For sure, Dat.” Elias moved into the stall, taking Levi’s place next to Sam.

  Ruthy was leaning over the fence of the calving stall, scratching Moolah’s face. She turned as Levi opened the door from the barn, her face red from the cold. Levi’s pulse quickened at the thought of marrying this beautiful woman, even on her terms.

  “Hallo, Ruthy.”

  “Buttercup is getting so big already, isn’t she?”

  “She’s doing very well. Nice and healthy.”

  They both laughed as the little heifer bobbed her head at the attention and backed under Moolah’s belly. Levi stepped close to Ruthy and reached over to pat Moolah’s neck.

  “Elias said you wanted me. Have you been thinking about what we discussed last night?”

  “Ja, I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’ve been wondering what you’ve been thinking.”

  “Ruth, I need you here....”

  “For the children.”

  “Ja, for the children.” Levi sighed. She would marry him for the children, but would she ever learn to love him? He glanced at her, so young and beautiful. Could she ever come to love an old man like him? But he couldn’t send her away. “For the children, but also because if we didn’t marry, you wouldn’t be able to stay with us, and I don’t want you to go.”

  She turned to face him. “Why not?”

  “Ach, well, you’re a good cook, and the children like you....” She turned away from him and scratched Moolah between the ears. She was disappointed with his answer. Could he tell her he liked the way she smelled as she leaned close to him to fill his coffee cup? How he liked the way she felt when he held her in his arms? His mouth was dry as cotton.